all roads lead to calvary-第36节

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〃No；〃　she　answered　with　a　smile。　　〃But　it　will　hurt　me　if　you　fail。　Remember　that。〃

She　turned　down　the　Embankment　after　leaving　the　house。　　She　always　found　the　river　strong　and　restful。　　So　it　was　not　only　bad　women　that　needed　to　be　afraid　of　themselveseven　to　the　most　high…class　young　woman；　with　letters　after　her　name；　and　altruistic　interests：　even　to　her；　also；　the　longing　for　the　lover's　clasp。　　Flossie　had　been　right。　　Mother　Nature　was　not　to　be　flouted　of　her　children　not　even　of　her　new　daughters；　to　them；　likewise；　the　family　trait。

She　would　have　run　away　if　she　could；　leaving　him　to　guess　at　her　real　reasonif　he　were　smart　enough。　　But　that　would　have　meant　excuses　and　explanations　all　round。　　She　was　writing　a　daily　column　of　notes　for　Greyson　now；　in　addition　to　the　weekly　letter　from　Clorinda；　and　Mrs。　Denton；　having　compromised　with　her　first　dreams；　was　delegating　to　Joan　more　and　more　of　her　work。　　She　wrote　to　Mrs。　Phillips　that　she　was　feeling　unwell　and　would　be　unable　to　lunch　with　them　on　the　Sunday；　as　had　been　arranged。　Mrs。　Phillips；　much　disappointed；　suggested　Wednesday；　but　it　seemed　on　Wednesday　she　was　no　better。　　And　so　it　drifted　on　for　about　a　fortnight；　without　her　finding　the　courage　to　come　to　any　decision；　and　then　one　morning；　turning　the　corner　into　Abingdon　Street；　she　felt　a　slight　pull　at　her　sleeve；　and　Hilda　was　beside　her。　　The　child　had　shown　an　uncanny　intuition　in　not　knocking　at　the　door。　　Joan　had　been　fearing　that；　and　would　have　sent　down　word　that　she　was　out。　　But　it　had　to　be　faced。

〃Are　you　never　coming　again？〃　asked　the　child。

〃Of　course；〃　answered　Joan；　〃when　I'm　better。　　I'm　not　very　well　just　now。　　It's　the　weather；　I　suppose。〃

The　child　turned　her　head　as　they　walked　and　looked　at　her。　　Joan　felt　herself　smarting　under　that　look；　but　persisted。

〃I'm　very　much　run　down；〃　she　said。　　〃I　may　have　to　go　away。〃

〃You　promised　to　help　him；〃　said　the　child。

〃I　can't　if　I'm　ill；〃　retorted　Joan。　　〃Besides；　I　am　helping　him。　There　are　other　ways　of　helping　people　than　by　wasting　their　time　talking　to　them。〃

〃He　wants　you；〃　said　the　child。　　〃It's　your　being　there　that　helps　him。〃

Joan　stopped　and　turned。　　〃Did　he　send　you？〃　she　asked。

〃No；〃　the　child　answered。　　〃Mama　had　a　headache　this　morning；　and　I　slipped　out。　　You're　not　keeping　your　promise。〃

Palace　Yard；　save　for　a　statuesque　policeman；　was　empty。

〃How　do　you　know　that　my　being　with　him　helps　him？〃　asked　Joan。

〃You　know　things　when　you　love　anybody；〃　explained　the　child。　　〃You　feel　them。　　You　will　come　again；　soon？〃

Joan　did　not　answer。

〃You're　frightened；〃　the　child　continued　in　a　passionate；　low　voice。　　〃You　think　that　people　will　talk　about　you　and　look　down　upon　you。　　You　oughtn't　to　think　about　yourself。　　You　ought　to　think　only　about　him　and　his　work。　　Nothing　else　matters。〃

〃I　am　thinking　about　him　and　his　work；〃　Joan　answered。　　Her　hand　sought　Hilda's　and　held　it。　　〃There　are　things　you　don't　understand。　　Men　and　women　can't　help　each　other　in　the　way　you　think。　　They　may　try　to；　and　mean　no　harm　in　the　beginning；　but　the　harm　comes；　and　then　not　only　the　woman　but　the　man　also　suffers；　and　his　work　is　spoilt　and　his　life　ruined。〃

The　small；　hot　hand　clasped　Joan's　convulsively。

〃But　he　won't　be　able　to　do　his　work　if　you　keep　away　and　never　come　back　to　him；〃　she　persisted。　　〃Oh；　I　know　it。　　It　all　depends　upon　you。　　He　wants　you。〃

〃And　I　want　him；　if　that's　any　consolation　to　you；〃　Joan　answered　with　a　short　laugh。　　It　wasn't　much　of　a　confession。　　The　child　was　cute　enough　to　have　found　that　out　for　herself。　　〃Only　you　see　I　can't　have　him。　　And　there's　an　end　of　it。〃

They　had　reached　the　Abbey。　　Joan　turned　and　they　retraced　their　steps　slowly。

〃I　shall　be　going　away　soon；　for　a　little　while；〃　she　said。　　The　talk　had　helped　her　to　decision。　　〃When　I　come　back　I　will　come　and　see　you　all。　　And　you　must　all　come　and　see　me；　now　and　then。　　I　expect　I　shall　have　a　flat　of　my　own。　　My　father　may　be　coming　to　live　with　me。　　Good…bye。　　Do　all　you　can　to　help　him。〃

She　stooped　and　kissed　the　child；　straining　her　to　her　almost　fiercely。　　But　the　child's　lips　were　cold。　　She　did　not　look　back。

Miss　Greyson　was　sympathetic　towards　her　desire　for　a　longish　holiday　and　wonderfully　helpful；　and　Mrs。　Denton　also　approved；　and；　to　Joan's　surprise；　kissed　her；　Mrs。　Denton　was　not　given　to　kissing。　　She　wired　to　her　father；　and　got　his　reply　the　same　evening。　　He　would　be　at　her　rooms　on　the　day　she　had　fixed　with　his　travelling　bag；　and　at　her　Ladyship's　orders。　　〃With　love　and　many　thanks；〃　he　had　added。　　She　waited　till　the　day　before　starting　to　run　round　and　say　good…bye　to　the　Phillipses。　　She　felt　it　would　be　unwise　to　try　and　get　out　of　doing　that。　　Both　Phillips　and　Hilda；　she　was　thankful；　were　out；　and　she　and　Mrs。　Phillips　had　tea　alone　together。　　The　talk　was　difficult；　so　far　as　Joan　was　concerned。　　If　the　woman　had　been　possessed　of　ordinary　intuition；　she　might　have　arrived　at　the　truth。　　Joan　almost　wished　she　would。　It　would　make　her　own　future　task　the　easier。　　But　Mrs。　Phillips；　it　was　clear；　was　going　to　be　no　help　to　her。

For　her　father's　sake；　she　made　pretence　of　eagerness；　but　as　the　sea　widened　between　her　and　the　harbour　lights　it　seemed　as　if　a　part　of　herself　were　being　torn　away　from　her。

They　travelled　leisurely　through　Holland　and　the　Rhine　land；　and　that　helped　a　little：　　the　new　scenes　and　interests；　and　in　Switzerland　they　discovered　a　delightful　little　village　in　an　upland　valley　with　just　one　small　hotel；　and　decided　to　stay　there　for　a　while；　so　as　to　give　themselves　time　to　get　their　letters。　They　took　long　walks　and　climbs；　returning　tired　and　hungry；　looking　forward　to　their　dinner　and　the　evening　talk　with　the　few　other　guests　on　the　veranda。　　The　days　passed　restfully　in　that　hidden　valley。　　The　great　white　mountains　closed　her　in。　　They　seemed　so　strong　and　clean。

It　was　on　the　morning　they　were　leaving　that　a　telegram　was　put　into　her　hands。　　Mrs。　Phillips　was　ill　at　lodgings　in　Folkestone。　She　hoped　that　Joan；　on　her　way　back；　would　come　to　see　her。

She　showed　the　telegram　to　her　father。　　〃Do　you　mind；　Dad；　if　we　go　straight　back？〃　she　asked。

〃No；　dear；〃　he　answered；　〃if　you　wish　it。〃

〃I　would　like　to　go　back；〃　she　said。



CHAPTER　XIII



Mrs。　Phillips　was　sitting　up　in　an　easy　chair　near　the　heavily…　curtained　windows　when　Joan　arrived。　　It　was　a　pleasant　little　house　in　the　old　part　of　the　town；　and　looked　out　upon　the　harbour。　She　was　startlingly　thin　by　comparison　with　what　she　had　been；　but　her　face　was　still　painted。　　Phillips　would　run　down　by　the　afternoon　train　whenever　he　could　get　away。　　She　never　knew　when　he　was　coming；　so　she　explained；　and　she　could　not　bear　the　idea　of　his　finding　her　〃old　and　ugly。〃　　She　had　fought　against　his　wish　that　she　should　go　into　a　nursing　home；　and　Joan；　who　in　the　course　of　her　work　upon　the　Nursing　Times　had　acquired　some　knowledge　of　them　as　a　whole；　was　inclined　to　agree　with　her。　　She　was　quite　comfortable　where　she　was。　　The　landlady；　according　to　her　account；　was　a　dear。　　She　had　sent　the　nurse　out　for　a　walk　on　getting　Joan's　wire；　so　that　they　could　have　a　cosy　chat。　　She　didn't　really　want　much　attendance。　　It　was　her　heart。　　It　got　feeble　now　and　then；　and　she　had　to　keep　very　still；　that　was　all。　　Joan　told　how　her　father　had　suffered　for　years　from　much　the　same　complaint。　So　long　as　you　were　careful　there　was　no　danger。　　She　must　take　things　easily　and　not　excite　herself。

Mrs。　Phillips　acquiesced。　　〃It's　turning　me　into　a　lazy…bones；〃　she　said　with　a　smile。　　〃I　can　sit　here　by　the　hour；　just　watching　the　bustle。　　I　was　always　one　for　a　bit　of　life。〃

The　landlady　entered　with　Joan's　tea。　　Joan　took　an　instinctive　dislike　to　her。　　She　was　a　large；　flashy　woman；　wearing　a　quantity　of　cheap　jewellery。　　Her　familiarity　had　about　it　something　almost　threatening。　　Joan　waited　till　she　heard　the　woman's　heavy　tread　descending　the　stairs；　before　she　expressed　her　opinion。

〃I　think　she　only　means　to　be　cheerful；〃　explained　Mrs。　Phillips。　〃She's　quite　a　good　sort；　when　you　know　her。〃　　The　subject　seemed　in　some　way　to　trouble　her；　and　Joan　dropped　it。

They　watched　the　loading　of　a　steamer　while　Joan　drank　her　tea。

〃He　will　come　this　afternoon；　I　fancy；〃　said　Mrs。　Phillips。　　〃I　seem　to　feel　it。　　He　will　be　able　to　see　you　home。〃

Joan　started。　　She　had　been　thinking　about　Phillips；　wondering　what　she　should　say　to　him　when　they　met。

〃What　does　he　think；〃　she　asked；　〃about　your　illness？〃

〃Oh；　it　worries　him；　of　course；　poor　dear；〃　Mrs。　Phillips　answered。　〃You　see；　I've　always　been　such　a　go…ahead；　as　a　rule。　　But　I　think　he's　getting　more　hopeful。　　As　I　tell　him；　I'll　be　all　right　by　the　autumn。　　It　was　that　spell　of　hot　weather　that　knocked　me　over。〃

Joan　was　still　looking　out　of　the　window。　　She　didn't　quite　know　what　to　say。　　The　woman's　altered　appearance　had　shocked　her。　Suddenly　she　felt　a　touch　upon　her　hand。

〃You'll　look　after　him　if　anything　does　happen；　won't　you？〃　　The　woman's　eyes　were　pleading　with　her。　　They　seemed　to　have　grown　larger。　　〃You　know　what　I　mean；　dear；　don't　you？〃　she　continued。　〃It　will　be　s