all roads lead to calvary-第18节
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wasn't feeling sore and bitter against half the world。 Suppose you tried to run an army with your men half starved while your officers had more than they could eat。 It's been tried and what's been the result？ See that your soldiers have their proper rations； and the General can sit down to his six… course dinner； if he will。 They are not begrudging it to him。
〃A nation works on its stomach。 Underfeed your rank and file； and what sort of a fight are you going to put up against your rivals。 I want to see England going ahead。 I want to see her workers properly fed。 I want to see the corn upon her unused acres； the cattle grazing on her wasted pastures。 I object to the food being thrown into the sealeft to rot upon the ground while men are hungryside…tracked in Chicago； while the children grow up stunted。 I want the commissariat properly organized。〃
He had been staring through her rather than at her； so it had seemed to Joan。 Suddenly their eyes met； and he broke into a smile。
〃I'm so awfully sorry；〃 he said。 〃I've been talking to you as if you were a public meeting。 I'm afraid I'm more used to them than I am to women。 Please forgive me。〃
The whole man had changed。 The eyes had a timid pleading in them。
Joan laughed。 〃I've been feeling as if I were the King of Bavaria；〃 she said。
〃How did he feel？〃 he asked her； leaning forward。
〃He had his own private theatre；〃 Joan explained； 〃where Wagner gave his operas。 And the King was the sole audience。〃
〃I should have hated that；〃 he said； 〃if I had been Wagner。〃
He looked at her； and a flush passed over his boyish face。
〃All right；〃 he said； 〃if it had been a queen。〃
Joan found herself tracing patterns with her spoon upon the tablecloth。 〃But you have won now；〃 she said； still absorbed apparently with her drawing； 〃you are going to get your chance。〃
He gave a short laugh。 〃A trick；〃 he said； 〃to weaken me。 They think to shave my locks； show me to the people bound by their red tape。 To put it another way； a rat among the terriers。〃
Joan laughed。 〃You don't somehow suggest the rat；〃 she said： 〃rather another sort of beast。〃
〃What do you advise me？〃 he asked。 〃I haven't decided yet。〃
They were speaking in whispered tones。 Through the open doors they could see into the other room。 Mrs。 Phillips； under Airlie's instructions； was venturing upon a cigarette。
〃To accept；〃 she answered。 〃They won't influence youthe terriers； as you call them。 You are too strong。 It is you who will sway them。 It isn't as if you were a mere agitator。 Take this opportunity of showing them that you can build； plan； organize； that you were meant to be a ruler。 You can't succeed without them； as things are。 You've got to win them over。 Prove to them that they can trust you。〃
He sat for a minute tattooing with his fingers on the table； before speaking。
〃It's the frills and flummery part of it that frightens me；〃 he said。 〃You wouldn't think that sensitiveness was my weak point。 But it is。 I've stood up to a Birmingham mob that was waiting to lynch me and enjoyed the experience； but I'd run ten miles rather than face a drawing…room of well…dressed people with their masked faces and ironic courtesies。 It leaves me for days feeling like a lobster that has lost its shell。〃
〃I wouldn't say it； if I didn't mean it；〃 answered Joan； 〃but you haven't got to trouble yourself about that 。 。 。 You're quite passable。〃 She smiled。 It seemed to her that most women would find him more than passable。
He shook his head。 〃With you；〃 he said。 〃There's something about you that makes one ashamed of worrying about the little things。 But the others： the sneering women and the men who wink over their shoulder while they talk to you； I shall never be able to get away from them； and； of course； wherever I go〃
He stopped abruptly with a sudden tightening of the lips。 Joan followed his eyes。 Mrs。 Phillips had swallowed the smoke and was giggling and spluttering by turns。 The yellow ostrich feather had worked itself loose and was rocking to and fro as if in a fit of laughter of its own。
He pushed back his chair and rose。 〃Shall we join the others？〃 he said。
He moved so that he was between her and the other room； his back to the open doors。 〃You think I ought to？〃 he said。
〃Yes；〃 she answered firmly； as if she were giving a command。 But he read pity also in her eyes。
〃Well； have you two settled the affairs of the kingdom？ Is it all decided？〃 asked Airlie。
〃Yes；〃 he answered； laughing。 〃We are going to say to the people； 'Eat； drink and be wise。'〃
He rearranged his wife's feather and smoothed her tumbled hair。 She looked up at him and smiled。
Joan set herself to make McKean talk； and after a time succeeded。 They had a mutual friend； a raw…boned youth she had met at Cambridge。 He was engaged to McKean's sister。 His eyes lighted up when he spoke of his sister Jenny。 The Little Mother； he called her。
〃She's the most beautiful body in all the world；〃 he said。 〃Though merely seeing her you mightn't know it。〃
He saw her 〃home〃； and went on up the stairs to his own floor。
Joan stood for a while in front of the glass before undressing； but felt less satisfied with herself。 She replaced the star in its case； and took off the regal…looking dress with the golden girdle and laid it carelessly aside。 She seemed to be growing smaller。
In her white night dress； with her hair in two long plaits； she looked at herself once more。 She seemed to be no one of any importance at all： just a long little girl going to bed。 With no one to kiss her good night。
She blew out the candle and climbed into the big bed； feeling very lonesome as she used to when a child。 It had not troubled her until to…night。 Suddenly she sat up again。 She needn't be back in London before Tuesday evening； and to…day was only Friday。 She would run down home and burst in upon her father。 He would be so pleased to see her。
She would make him put his arms around her。
CHAPTER VIII
She reached home in the evening。 She thought to find her father in his study。 But they told her that； now； he usually sat alone in the great drawing…room。 She opened the door softly。 The room was dark save for a flicker of firelight； she could see nothing。 Nor was there any sound。
〃Dad；〃 she cried； 〃are you here？〃
He rose slowly from a high…backed chair beside the fire。
〃It is you；〃 he said。 He seemed a little dazed。
She ran to him and； seizing his listless arms； put them round her。
〃Give me a hug； Dad；〃 she commanded。 〃A real hug。〃
He held her to him for what seemed a long while。 There was strength in his arms； in spite of the bowed shoulders and white hair。
〃I was afraid you had forgotten how to do it；〃 she laughed； when at last he released her。 〃Do you know； you haven't hugged me； Dad； since I was five years old。 That's nineteen years ago。 You do love me； don't you？〃
〃Yes；〃 he answered。 〃I have always loved you。〃
She would not let him light the gas。 〃I have dinedin the train；〃 she explained。 〃Let us talk by the firelight。〃
She forced him gently back into his chair； and seated herself upon the floor between his knees。 〃What were you thinking of when I came in？〃 she asked。 〃You weren't asleep； were you？〃
〃No；〃 he answered。 〃Not that sort of sleep。〃 She could not see his face。 But she guessed his meaning。
〃Am I very like her？〃 she asked。
〃Yes；〃 he answered。 〃Marvellously like her as she used to be： except for just one thing。 Perhaps that will come to you later。 I thought； for the moment； as you stood there by the door 。 。 。 〃 He did not finish the sentence。
〃Tell me about her；〃 she said。 〃I never knew she had been an actress。〃
He did not ask her how she had learnt it。 〃She gave it up when we were married；〃 he said。 〃The people she would have to live among would have looked askance at her if they had known。 There seemed no reason why they should。〃
〃How did it all happen？〃 she persisted。 〃Was it very beautiful； in the beginning？〃 She wished she had not added that last。 The words had slipped from her before she knew。
〃Very beautiful；〃 he answered； 〃in the beginning。〃
〃It was my fault；〃 he went on； 〃that it was not beautiful all through。 I ought to have let her take up her work again； as she wished to； when she found what giving it up meant to her。 The world was narrower then than it is now； and I listened to the world。 I thought it another voice。〃
〃It's difficult to tell； isn't it？〃 she said。 〃I wonder how one can？〃
He did not answer； and they sat for a time in silence。
〃Did you ever see her act？〃 asked Joan。
〃Every evening for about six months；〃 he answered。 A little flame shot up and showed a smile upon his face。
〃I owe to her all the charity and tenderness I know。 She taught it to me in those months。 I might have learned more if I had let her go on teaching。 It was the only way she knew。〃
Joan watched her as gradually she shaped herself out of the shadows： the poor； thin； fretful lady of the ever restless hands； with her bursts of jealous passion； her long moods of sullen indifference： all her music turned to waste。
〃How did she come to fall in love with
