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him　that　my　private　affairs　at　the　beginning　of　the　winter　had

but　a　gloomy　aspect；　for　I　had　not　plundered　the　public　or　the

poor　of　those　sums　which　men；　who　are　always　ready　to　plunder

both　as　much　as　they　can；　have　been　pleased　to　suspect　me　of

taking：　　on　the　contrary；　by　composing；　instead　of　inflaming　the

quarrels　of　porters　and　beggars　（which　I　blush　when　I　say　hath

not　been　universally　practiced）；　and　by　refusing　to　take　a

shilling　from　a　man　who　most　undoubtedly　would　not　have　had

another　left；　I　had　reduced　an　income　of　about　five　hundred

pounds＇13＇　a…year　of　the　dirtiest　money　upon　earth　to　little　more

than　three　hundred　pounds；　a　considerable　proportion　of　which

remained　with　my　clerk；　and；　indeed；　if　the　whole　had　done　so；　as

it　ought；　he　would　be　but　ill　paid　for　sitting　almost　sixteen

hours　in　the　twenty…four　in　the　most　unwholesome；　as　well　as

nauseous　air　in　the　universe；　and　which　hath　in　his　case

corrupted　a　good　constitution　without　contaminating　his　morals。



＇13＇　A　predecessor　of　mine　used　to　boast　that　he　made　one

thousand　pounds　a…year　in　his　office；　but　how　he　did　this　（if

indeed　he　did　it）　is　to　me　a　secret。　　His　clerk；　now　mine；　told

me　I　had　more　business　than　he　had　ever　known　there；　I　am　sure　I

had　as　much　as　any　man　could　do。　　The　truth　is；　the　fees　are　so

very　low；　when　any　are　due；　and　so　much　is　done　for　nothing；

that；　if　a　single　justice　of　peace　had　business　enough　to　employ

twenty　clerks；　neither　he　nor　they　would　get　much　by　their　labor。



The　public　will　not；　therefore；　I　hope；　think　I　betray　a　secret

when　I　inform　them　that　I　received　from　the　Government　a　yearly

pension　out　of　the　public　service　money；　which；　I　believe；

indeed；　would　have　been　larger　had　my　great　patron　been

convinced　of　an　error；　which　I　have　heard　him　utter　more　than

once；　that　he　could　not　indeed　say　that　the　acting　as　a　principal

justice　of　peace　in　Westminster　was　on　all　accounts　very

desirable；　but　that　all　the　world　knew　it　was　a　very　lucrative

office。　　Now；　to　have　shown　him　plainly　that　a　man　must　be　a

rogue　to　make　a　very　little　this　way；　and　that　he　could　not　make

much　by　being　as　great　a　rogue　as　he　could　be；　would　have

required　more　confidence　than；　I　believe；　he　had　in　me；　and　more

of　his　conversation　than　he　chose　to　allow　me；　I　therefore

resigned　the　office　and　the　farther　execution　of　my　plan　to　my

brother；　who　had　long　been　　myassistant。　　And　now；　lest　the　case

between　me　and　the　reader　should　be　the　same　in　both　instances　as

it　was　between　　me　and　the　great　man；　I　will　not　add　another　word

on　the　subject。





But；　not　to　trouble　the　reader　with　anecdotes；　contrary　to　my　own

rule　laid　down　in　my　preface；　I　assure　him　I　thought　my　family

was　very　slenderly　provided　for；　and　that　my　health　began　to

decline　so　fast　that　I　had　very　little　more　of　life　left　to

accomplish　what　I　had　thought　of　too　late。　　I　rejoiced　therefore

greatly　in　seeing　an　opportunity；　as　I　apprehended；　of　gaining

such　merit　in　the　eve　of　the　public；　that；　if　my　life　were　the

sacrifice　to　it；　my　friends　might　think　they　did　a　popular　act　in

putting　my　family　at　least　beyond　the　reach　of　necessity；　which　I

myself　began　to　despair　of　doing。　　And　though　I　disclaim　all

pretense　to　that　Spartan　or　Roman　patriotism　which　loved　the

public　so　well　that　it　was　always　ready　to　become　a　voluntary

sacrifice　to　the　public　good；　I　do　solemnly　declare　I　have　that

love　for　my　family。



After　this　confession　therefore；　that　the　public　was　not　the

principal　deity　to　which　my　life　was　offered　a　sacrifice；　and

when　it　is　farther　considered　what　a　poor　sacrifice　this　was；

being　indeed　no　other　than　the　giving　up　what　I　saw　little

likelihood　of　being　able　to　hold　much　longer；　and　which；　upon　the

terms　I　held　it；　nothing　but　the　weakness　of　human　nature　could

represent　to　me　as　worth　holding　at　all；　the　world　may；　I

believe；　without　envy；　allow　me　all　the　praise　to　which　I　have

any　title。　　My　aim；　in　fact；　was　not　praise；　which　is　the　last

gift　they　care　to　bestow；　at　least；　this　was　not　my　aim　as　an

end；　but　rather　as　a　means　of　purchasing　some　moderate　provision

for　my　family；　which；　though　it　should　exceed　my　merit；　must　fall

infinitely　short　of　my　service；　if　I　succeeded　in　my　attempt。　　To

say　the　truth；　the　public　never　act　more　wisely　than　when　they

act　most　liberally　in　the　distribution　of　their　rewards；　and　here

the　good　they　receive　is　often　more　to　be　considered　than　the

motive　from　which　they　receive　it。　　Example　alone　is　the　end　of

all　public　punishments　and　rewards。　　Laws　never　inflict　disgrace

in　resentment；　nor　confer　honor　from　gratitude。　　〃For　it　is　very

hard；　my　lord；〃　said　a　convicted　felon　at　the　bar　to　the　late

excellent　judge　Burnet；　〃to　hang　a　poor　man　for　stealing　a

horse。〃　　〃You　are　not　to　be　hanged　sir；〃　answered　my　ever…honored

and　beloved　friend；　〃for　stealing　a　horse；　but　you　are　to　be

hanged　that　horses　may　not　be　stolen。〃　　In　like　manner　it　might

have　been　said　to　the　late　duke　of　Marlborough；　when　the

parliament　was　so　deservedly　liberal　to　him；　after　the　battle　of

Blenheim；　〃You　receive　not　these　honors　and　bounties　on　account

of　a　victory　past；　but　that　other　victories　may　be　obtained。〃



I　was　now；　in　the　opinion　of　all　men；　dying　of　a　complication　of

disorders；　and；　were　I　desirous　of　playing　the　advocate；　I　have

an　occasion　fair　enough；　but　I　disdain　such　an　attempt。　　I　relate

facts　plainly　and　simply　as　they　are；　and　let　the　world　draw　from

them　what　conclusions　they　please；　taking　with　them　the　following

facts　for　their　instruction：　　the　one　is；　that　the　proclamation

offering　one　hundred　pounds　for　the　apprehending　felons　for

certain　felonies　committed　in　certain　places；　which　I　prevented

from　being　revived；　had　formerly　cost　the　government　several

thousand　pounds　within　a　single　year。　　Secondly；　that　all　such

proclamations；　instead　of　curing　the　evil；　had　actually　increased

it；　had　multiplied　the　number　of　robberies；　had　propagated　the

worst　and　wickedest　of　perjuries；　had　laid　snares　for　youth　and

ignorance；　which；　by　the　temptation　of　these　rewards；　had　been

sometimes　drawn　into　guilt；　and　sometimes；　which　cannot　be

thought　on　without　the　highest　horror；　had　destroyed　them　without

it。　　Thirdly；　that　my　plan　had　not　put　the　government　to　more

than　three　hundred　pound　expense；　and　had　produced　none　of　the

ill　consequences　above　mentioned；　but；　lastly；　had　actually

suppressed　the　evil　for　a　time；　and　had　plainly　pointed　out　the

means　of　suppressing　it　for　ever。　　This　I　would　myself　have

undertaken；　had　my　health　permitted；　at　the　annual　expense　of　the

above…mentioned　sum。



After　having　stood　the　terrible　six　weeks　which　succeeded　last

Christmas；　and　put　a　lucky　end；　if　they　had　known　their　own

interests；　to　such　numbers　of　aged　and　infirm　valetudinarians；

who　might　have　gasped　through　two　or　three　mild　winters　more；　I

returned　to　town　in　February；　in　a　condition　less　despaired　of　by

myself　than　by　any　of　my　friends。　　I　now　became　the　patient　of

Dr。　Ward；　who　wished　I　had　taken　his　advice　earlier。　　By　his

advice　I　was　tapped；　and　fourteen　quarts　of　water　drawn　from　my

belly。　　The　sudden　relaxation　which　this　caused；　added　to　my

enervate；　emaciated　habit　of　body；　so　weakened　me　that　within　two

days　I　was　thought　to　be　falling　into　the　agonies　of　death。　　I

was　at　the　worst　on　that　memorable　day　when　the　public　lost　Mr。

Pelham。　　From　that　day　I　began　slowly；　as　it　were；　to　draw　my

feet　out　of　the　grave；　till　in　two　months'　time　I　had　again

acquired　some　little　degree　of　strength；　but　was　again　full　of

water。　　During　this　whole　time　I　took　Mr。　Ward's　medicines；　which

had　seldom　any　perceptible　operation。　　Those　in　particular　of　the

diaphoretic　kind；　the　working　of　which　is　thought　to　require　a

great　strength　of　constitution　to　support；　had　so　little　effect

on　me；　that　Mr。　Ward　declared　it　was　as　vain　to　attempt　sweating

me　as　a　deal　board。　　In　this　situation　I　was　tapped　a　second

time。　　I　had　one　quart　of　water　less　taken　from　me　now　than

before；　but　I　bore　all　the　consequences　of　the　operation　much

better。　　This　I　attributed　greatly　to　a　dose　of　laudanum

prescribed　by　my　surgeon。　　It　first　gave　me　the　most　delicious

flow　of　spirits；　and　afterwards　as　comfortable　a　nap。



The　month　of　May；　which　was　now　begun；　it　seemed　reasonable　to

expect　would　introduce　the　spring；　and　drive　of　that　winter　which

yet　maintained　its　footing　on　the　stage。　　I　resolved　therefore　to

visit　a　little　house　of　mine　in　the　country；　which　stands　at

Ealing；　in　the　county　of　Middlesex；　in　the　best　air；　I　believe；

in　the　whole　kingdom；　and　far　superior　to　that　of　Kensington

Gravel…pits；　for　the　gravel　is　here　much　wider　and　deeper；　the

place　higher　and　more　open　towards　the　south；　whilst　it　is

guarded　from　the　north　wind　by　a　ridge　of　hills；　and　from　the

smells　and　smoke　of　London　by　its　distance；　which　last　is　not　the

fate