i and my chimney-第8节

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unsuspicious　of　aught　hidden　within；　this　chimney　may　or　may　not

have　a　secret　closet。　But　if　it　have；　it　is　my　kinsman's。　To

break　into　that　wall；　would　be　to　break　into　his　breast。　　　And

that　wall…breaking　wish　of　Momus　I　account　the　wish　of　a

churchrobbing　gossip　and　knave。　Yes；　wife；　a　vile　eavesdropping

varlet　was　Momus。〃　



〃Moses？　Mumps？　Stuff　with　your　mumps　and　Moses？〃



The　truth　is；　my　wife；　like　all　the　rest　of　the　world；　cares　not

a　fig　for　philosophical　jabber。　In　dearth　of　other　philosophical

companionship；　I　and　my　chimney　have　to　smoke　and　philosophize

together。　And　sitting　up　so　late　as　we　do　at　it；　a　mighty　smoke

it　is　that　we　two　smoky　old　philosophers　make。　



But　my　spouse；　who　likes　the　smoke　of　my　tobacco　as　little　as　she

does　that　of　the　soot；　carries　on　her　war　against　both。　I　live　in

continual　dread　lest；　like　the　golden　bowl；　the　pipes　of　me　and

my　chimney　shall　yet　be　broken。　To　stay　that　mad　project　of　my

wife's；　naught　answers。　Or；　rather；　she　herself　is　incessantly

answering；　incessantly　besetting　me　with　her　terrible　alacrity

for　improvement；　which　is　a　softer　name　for　destruction。　　Scarce

a　day　I　do　not　find　her　with　her　tape…measure；　measuring　for　her

grand　hall；　while　Anna　holds　a　yardstick　on　one　side；　and　Julia

looks　approvingly　on　from　the　other。　Mysterious　intimations

appear　in　the　nearest　village　paper；　signed　〃Claude；〃　to　the

effect　that　a　certain　structure；　standing　on　a　certain　hill；　is　a

sad　blemish　to　an　otherwise　lovely　landscape。　Anonymous　letters

arrive；　threatening　me　with　I　know　not　what；　unless　I　remove　my

chimney。　Is　it　my　wife；　too；　or　who；　that　sets　up　the　neighbors

to　badgering　me　on　the　same　subject；　and　hinting　to　me　that　my

chimney；　like　a　huge　elm；　absorbs　all　moisture　from　my　garden？　At

night；　also；　my　wife　will　start　as　from　sleep；　professing　to　hear

ghostly　noises　from　the　secret　closet。　Assailed　on　all　sides；　and

in　all　ways；　small　peace　have　I　and　my　chimney。　

　

Were　it　not　for　the　baggage；　we　would　together　pack　up　and　remove

from　the　country。　



What　narrow　escapes　have　been　ours！　Once　I　found　in　a　drawer　a

whole　portfolio　of　plans　and　estimates。　Another　time；　upon

returning　after　a　day's　absence；　I　discovered　my　wife　standing

before　the　chimney　in　earnest　conversation　with　a　person　whom　I

at　once　recognized　as　a　meddlesome　architectural　reformer；　who；

because　he　had　no　gift　for　putting　up　anything　was　ever　intent

upon　pulling　them　down；　in　various　parts　of　the　country　having

prevailed　upon　half…witted　old　folks　to　destroy　their

old…fashioned　houses；　particularly　the　chimneys。　



But　worst　of　all　was；　that　time　I　unexpectedly　returned　at　early

morning　from　a　visit　to　the　city；　and　upon　approaching　the　house；

narrowly　escaped　three　brickbats　which　fell；　from　high　aloft；　at

my　feet。　Glancing　up；　what　was　my　horror　to　see　three　savages；　in

blue　jean　overalls　in　the　very　act　of　commencing　the

long…threatened　attack。　　Aye；　indeed；　thinking　of　those　three

brickbats；　I　and　my　chimney　have　had　narrow　escapes。　



It　is　now　some　seven　years　since　I　have　stirred　from　my　home。　　My

city　friends　all　wonder　why　I　don't　come　to　see　them；　as　in

former　times。　They　think　I　am　getting　sour　and　unsocial。　Some　say

that　I　have　become　a　sort　of　mossy　old　misanthrope；　while　all　the

time　the　fact　is；　I　am　simply　standing　guard　over　my　mossy　old

chimney；　for　it　is　resolved　between　me　and　my　chimney；　that　I　and

my　chimney　will　never　surrender。　











The　End