太子爷小说网 > 英语电子书 > i and my chimney >

第7节

i and my chimney-第7节

小说: i and my chimney 字数: 每页4000字

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页,按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页,按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部!
————未阅读完?加入书签已便下次继续阅读!




do。 But supposing there be a secret closet; what then?〃 



〃What then? why what should be in a secret closet but〃 



〃Dry bones; wife;〃 broke in I with a puff; while the sociable old

chimney broke in with another。



〃There again! Oh; how this wretched old chimney smokes;〃 wiping

her eyes with her handkerchief。 〃I've no doubt the reason it

smokes so is; because that secret closet interferes with the

flue。 Do see; too; how the jambs here keep settling; and it's

down hill all the way from the door to this hearth。 This horrid

old chimney will fall on our heads yet; depend upon it; old man。〃



〃Yes; wife; I do depend on it; yes indeed; I place every

dependence on my chimney。 As for its settling; I like it。 I; too;

am settling; you know; in my gait。 I and my chimney are settling

together; and shall keep settling; too; till; as in a great

feather…bed; we shall both have settled away clean out of sight。

But this secret oven; I mean; secret closet of yours; wife; where

exactly do you suppose that secret closet is? 〃 



〃That is for Mr。 Scribe to say。〃 



〃But suppose he cannot say exactly; what; then?〃 



〃Why then he can prove; I am sure; that it must be somewhere or

other in this horrid old chimney。〃 



〃And if he can't prove that; what; then?〃



〃Why then; old man;〃 with a stately air; 〃I shall say little more

about it。〃 



〃Agreed; wife;〃 returned I; knocking my pipe…bowl against the

jamb; 〃and now; to…morrow; I will for a third time send for Mr。

Scribe。 Wife; the sciatica takes me; be so good as to put this

pipe on the mantel。〃 



〃If you get the step…ladder for me; I will。 This shocking old

chimney; this abominable old…fashioned old chimney's mantels are

so high; I can't reach them。〃 



No opportunity; however trivial; was overlooked for a subordinate

fling at the pile。



Here; by way of introduction; it should be mentioned; that

besides the fireplaces all round it; the chimney was; in the most

haphazard way; excavated on each floor for certain curious

out…of…the…way cupboards and closets; of all sorts and sizes;

clinging here and there; like nests in the crotches of some old

oak。 On the second floor these closets were by far the most

irregular and numerous。 And yet this should hardly have been so;

since the theory of the chimney was; that it pyramidically

diminished as it ascended。 The abridgment of its square on the

roof was obvious enough; and it was supposed that the reduction

must be methodically graduated from bottom to top。 



〃Mr。 Scribe;〃 said I when; the next day; with an eager aspect;

that individual again came; 〃my object in sending for you this

morning is; not to arrange for the demolition of my chimney; nor

to have any particular conversation about it; but simply to allow

you every reasonable facility for verifying; if you can; the

conjecture communicated in your note。〃 



Though in secret not a little crestfallen; it may be; by my

phlegmatic reception; so different from what he had looked for;

with much apparent alacrity he commenced the survey; throwing

open the cupboards on the first floor; and peering into the

closets on the second; measuring one within; and then comparing

that measurement with the measurement without。 Removing the

fireboards; he would gaze up the flues。 But no sign of the hidden

work yet。 



Now; on the second floor the rooms were the most rambling

conceivable。 They; as it were; dovetailed into each other。 They

were of all shapes; not one mathematically square room among them

alla peculiarity which by the master…mason had not been

unobserved。 With a significant; not to say portentous expression;

he took a circuit of the chimney; measuring the area of each room

around it; then going down stairs; and out of doors; he measured

the entire ground area; then compared the sum total of the areas

of all the rooms on the second floor with the ground area; then;

returning to me in no small excitement; announced that there was

a difference of no less than two hundred and odd square

feetroom enough; in all conscience; for a secret closet。



〃But; Mr。 Scribe;〃 said I; stroking my chin; 〃have you allowed

for the walls; both main and sectional? They take up some space;

you know。〃 



〃Ah; I had forgotten that;〃 tapping his forehead; 〃but;〃 still

ciphering on his paper; 〃that will not make up the deficiency。〃



 〃But; Mr。 Scribe; have you allowed for the recesses of so many

fireplaces on a floor; and for the fire…walls; and the flues; in

short; Mr。 Scribe; have you allowed for the legitimate chimney

itselfsome one hundred and forty…four square feet or

thereabouts; Mr。 Scribe?〃 



〃How unaccountable。 That slipped my mind; too。〃 



〃Did it; indeed; Mr。 Scribe?〃



He faltered a little; and burst forth with; 〃But we must now

allow one hundred and forty…four square feet for the legitimate

chimney。 My position is; that within those undue limits the

secret closet is contained。〃 



I eyed him in silence a moment; then spoke:



 〃Your survey is concluded; Mr。 Scribe; be so good now as to lay

your finger upon the exact part of the chimney wall where you

believe this secret closet to be; or would a witch…hazel wand

assist you; Mr。 Scribe?〃 

 

〃No; Sir; but a crowbar would;〃 he; with temper; rejoined。 



Here; now; thought I to myself; the cat leaps out of the bag。  I

looked at him with a calm glance; under which he seemed somewhat

uneasy。  More than ever now I suspected a plot。 I remembered what

my wife had said about abiding by the decision of Mr。 Scribe。 In

a bland way; I resolved to buy up the decision of Mr。 Scribe。 



〃Sir;〃 said I; 〃really; I am much obliged to you for this survey。

It has quite set my mind at rest。 And no doubt you; too; Mr。

Scribe; must feel much relieved。 Sir;〃 I added; 〃you have made

three visits to the chimney。 With a business man; time is money。

Here are fifty dollars; Mr。 Scribe。 Nay; take it。 You have earned

it。 Your opinion is worth it。 And by the way;〃as he modestly

received the money…〃have you any objections to give me

aalittle certificatesomething; say; like a steamboat

certificate; certifying that you; a competent surveyor; have

surveyed my chimney; and found no reason to believe any

unsoundness; in short; anyany secret closet in it。 Would you be

so kind; Mr。 Scribe?〃 

 

〃But; but; sir;〃 stammered he with honest hesitation。 



〃Here; here are pen and paper;〃 said I; with entire assurance。 



Enough。 



That evening I had the certificate framed and hung over the

dining…room fireplace; trusting that the continual sight of it

would forever put at rest at once the dreams and stratagems of my

household。 



But; no。 Inveterately bent upon the extirpation of that noble old

chimney; still to this day my wife goes about it; with my

daughter Anna's geological hammer; tapping the wall all over; and

then holding her ear against it; as I have seen the physicians of

life insurance companies tap a man's chest; and then incline over

for the echo。 Sometimes of nights she almost frightens one; going

about on this phantom errand; and still following the sepulchral

response of the chimney; round and round; as if it were leading

her to the threshold of the secret closet。 



〃How hollow it sounds;〃 she will hollowly cry。 〃Yes; I declare;〃

with an emphatic tap; 〃there is a secret closet here。 Here; in

this very spot。  Hark!  How hollow!〃 



〃Psha! wife; of course it is hollow。 Who ever heard of a solid

chimney?〃 But nothing avails。 And my daughters take after; not

me; but their mother。 



Sometimes all three abandon the theory of the secret closet and

return to the genuine ground of attackthe unsightliness of so

cumbrous a pile; with comments upon the great addition of room to

be gained by its demolition; and the fine effect of the projected

grand hall; and the convenience resulting from the collateral

running in one direction and another of their various partitions。

Not more ruthlessly did the Three Powers partition away poor

Poland; than my wife and daughters would fain partition away my

chimney。 



But seeing that; despite all; I and my chimney still smoke our

pipes; my wife reoccupies the ground of the secret closet;

enlarging upon what wonders are there; and what a shame it is;

not to seek it out and explore it。 



〃Wife;〃 said I; upon one of these occasions; 〃why speak more of

that secret closet; when there before you hangs contrary

testimony of a master mason; elected by yourself to decide。

Besides; even if there were a secret closet; secret it should

remain; and secret it shall。 Yes; wife; here for once I must say

my say。 Infinite sad mischief has resulted from the profane

bursting open of secret recesses。 Though standing in the heart of

this house; though hitherto we have all nestled about it;

unsuspicious of aught hidden within; this chimney may or may not

have a secret closet。 But if i

返回目录 上一页 下一页 回到顶部 0 0

你可能喜欢的