i and my chimney-第7节

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do。　But　supposing　there　be　a　secret　closet；　what　then？〃　



〃What　then？　why　what　should　be　in　a　secret　closet　but〃　



〃Dry　bones；　wife；〃　broke　in　I　with　a　puff；　while　the　sociable　old

chimney　broke　in　with　another。



〃There　again！　Oh；　how　this　wretched　old　chimney　smokes；〃　wiping

her　eyes　with　her　handkerchief。　〃I've　no　doubt　the　reason　it

smokes　so　is；　because　that　secret　closet　interferes　with　the

flue。　Do　see；　too；　how　the　jambs　here　keep　settling；　and　it's

down　hill　all　the　way　from　the　door　to　this　hearth。　This　horrid

old　chimney　will　fall　on　our　heads　yet；　depend　upon　it；　old　man。〃



〃Yes；　wife；　I　do　depend　on　it；　yes　indeed；　I　place　every

dependence　on　my　chimney。　As　for　its　settling；　I　like　it。　I；　too；

am　settling；　you　know；　in　my　gait。　I　and　my　chimney　are　settling

together；　and　shall　keep　settling；　too；　till；　as　in　a　great

feather…bed；　we　shall　both　have　settled　away　clean　out　of　sight。

But　this　secret　oven；　I　mean；　secret　closet　of　yours；　wife；　where

exactly　do　you　suppose　that　secret　closet　is？　〃　



〃That　is　for　Mr。　Scribe　to　say。〃　



〃But　suppose　he　cannot　say　exactly；　what；　then？〃　



〃Why　then　he　can　prove；　I　am　sure；　that　it　must　be　somewhere　or

other　in　this　horrid　old　chimney。〃　



〃And　if　he　can't　prove　that；　what；　then？〃



〃Why　then；　old　man；〃　with　a　stately　air；　〃I　shall　say　little　more

about　it。〃　



〃Agreed；　wife；〃　returned　I；　knocking　my　pipe…bowl　against　the

jamb；　〃and　now；　to…morrow；　I　will　for　a　third　time　send　for　Mr。

Scribe。　Wife；　the　sciatica　takes　me；　be　so　good　as　to　put　this

pipe　on　the　mantel。〃　



〃If　you　get　the　step…ladder　for　me；　I　will。　This　shocking　old

chimney；　this　abominable　old…fashioned　old　chimney's　mantels　are

so　high；　I　can't　reach　them。〃　



No　opportunity；　however　trivial；　was　overlooked　for　a　subordinate

fling　at　the　pile。



Here；　by　way　of　introduction；　it　should　be　mentioned；　that

besides　the　fireplaces　all　round　it；　the　chimney　was；　in　the　most

haphazard　way；　excavated　on　each　floor　for　certain　curious

out…of…the…way　cupboards　and　closets；　of　all　sorts　and　sizes；

clinging　here　and　there；　like　nests　in　the　crotches　of　some　old

oak。　On　the　second　floor　these　closets　were　by　far　the　most

irregular　and　numerous。　And　yet　this　should　hardly　have　been　so；

since　the　theory　of　the　chimney　was；　that　it　pyramidically

diminished　as　it　ascended。　The　abridgment　of　its　square　on　the

roof　was　obvious　enough；　and　it　was　supposed　that　the　reduction

must　be　methodically　graduated　from　bottom　to　top。　



〃Mr。　Scribe；〃　said　I　when；　the　next　day；　with　an　eager　aspect；

that　individual　again　came；　〃my　object　in　sending　for　you　this

morning　is；　not　to　arrange　for　the　demolition　of　my　chimney；　nor

to　have　any　particular　conversation　about　it；　but　simply　to　allow

you　every　reasonable　facility　for　verifying；　if　you　can；　the

conjecture　communicated　in　your　note。〃　



Though　in　secret　not　a　little　crestfallen；　it　may　be；　by　my

phlegmatic　reception；　so　different　from　what　he　had　looked　for；

with　much　apparent　alacrity　he　commenced　the　survey；　throwing

open　the　cupboards　on　the　first　floor；　and　peering　into　the

closets　on　the　second；　measuring　one　within；　and　then　comparing

that　measurement　with　the　measurement　without。　Removing　the

fireboards；　he　would　gaze　up　the　flues。　But　no　sign　of　the　hidden

work　yet。　



Now；　on　the　second　floor　the　rooms　were　the　most　rambling

conceivable。　They；　as　it　were；　dovetailed　into　each　other。　They

were　of　all　shapes；　not　one　mathematically　square　room　among　them

alla　peculiarity　which　by　the　master…mason　had　not　been

unobserved。　With　a　significant；　not　to　say　portentous　expression；

he　took　a　circuit　of　the　chimney；　measuring　the　area　of　each　room

around　it；　then　going　down　stairs；　and　out　of　doors；　he　measured

the　entire　ground　area；　then　compared　the　sum　total　of　the　areas

of　all　the　rooms　on　the　second　floor　with　the　ground　area；　then；

returning　to　me　in　no　small　excitement；　announced　that　there　was

a　difference　of　no　less　than　two　hundred　and　odd　square

feetroom　enough；　in　all　conscience；　for　a　secret　closet。



〃But；　Mr。　Scribe；〃　said　I；　stroking　my　chin；　〃have　you　allowed

for　the　walls；　both　main　and　sectional？　They　take　up　some　space；

you　know。〃　



〃Ah；　I　had　forgotten　that；〃　tapping　his　forehead；　〃but；〃　still

ciphering　on　his　paper；　〃that　will　not　make　up　the　deficiency。〃



　〃But；　Mr。　Scribe；　have　you　allowed　for　the　recesses　of　so　many

fireplaces　on　a　floor；　and　for　the　fire…walls；　and　the　flues；　in

short；　Mr。　Scribe；　have　you　allowed　for　the　legitimate　chimney

itselfsome　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　or

thereabouts；　Mr。　Scribe？〃　



〃How　unaccountable。　That　slipped　my　mind；　too。〃　



〃Did　it；　indeed；　Mr。　Scribe？〃



He　faltered　a　little；　and　burst　forth　with；　〃But　we　must　now

allow　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　for　the　legitimate

chimney。　My　position　is；　that　within　those　undue　limits　the

secret　closet　is　contained。〃　



I　eyed　him　in　silence　a　moment；　then　spoke：



　〃Your　survey　is　concluded；　Mr。　Scribe；　be　so　good　now　as　to　lay

your　finger　upon　the　exact　part　of　the　chimney　wall　where　you

believe　this　secret　closet　to　be；　or　would　a　witch…hazel　wand

assist　you；　Mr。　Scribe？〃　

　

〃No；　Sir；　but　a　crowbar　would；〃　he；　with　temper；　rejoined。　



Here；　now；　thought　I　to　myself；　the　cat　leaps　out　of　the　bag。　　I

looked　at　him　with　a　calm　glance；　under　which　he　seemed　somewhat

uneasy。　　More　than　ever　now　I　suspected　a　plot。　I　remembered　what

my　wife　had　said　about　abiding　by　the　decision　of　Mr。　Scribe。　In

a　bland　way；　I　resolved　to　buy　up　the　decision　of　Mr。　Scribe。　



〃Sir；〃　said　I；　〃really；　I　am　much　obliged　to　you　for　this　survey。

It　has　quite　set　my　mind　at　rest。　And　no　doubt　you；　too；　Mr。

Scribe；　must　feel　much　relieved。　Sir；〃　I　added；　〃you　have　made

three　visits　to　the　chimney。　With　a　business　man；　time　is　money。

Here　are　fifty　dollars；　Mr。　Scribe。　Nay；　take　it。　You　have　earned

it。　Your　opinion　is　worth　it。　And　by　the　way；〃as　he　modestly

received　the　money…〃have　you　any　objections　to　give　me

aalittle　certificatesomething；　say；　like　a　steamboat

certificate；　certifying　that　you；　a　competent　surveyor；　have

surveyed　my　chimney；　and　found　no　reason　to　believe　any

unsoundness；　in　short；　anyany　secret　closet　in　it。　Would　you　be

so　kind；　Mr。　Scribe？〃　

　

〃But；　but；　sir；〃　stammered　he　with　honest　hesitation。　



〃Here；　here　are　pen　and　paper；〃　said　I；　with　entire　assurance。　



Enough。　



That　evening　I　had　the　certificate　framed　and　hung　over　the

dining…room　fireplace；　trusting　that　the　continual　sight　of　it

would　forever　put　at　rest　at　once　the　dreams　and　stratagems　of　my

household。　



But；　no。　Inveterately　bent　upon　the　extirpation　of　that　noble　old

chimney；　still　to　this　day　my　wife　goes　about　it；　with　my

daughter　Anna's　geological　hammer；　tapping　the　wall　all　over；　and

then　holding　her　ear　against　it；　as　I　have　seen　the　physicians　of

life　insurance　companies　tap　a　man's　chest；　and　then　incline　over

for　the　echo。　Sometimes　of　nights　she　almost　frightens　one；　going

about　on　this　phantom　errand；　and　still　following　the　sepulchral

response　of　the　chimney；　round　and　round；　as　if　it　were　leading

her　to　the　threshold　of　the　secret　closet。　



〃How　hollow　it　sounds；〃　she　will　hollowly　cry。　〃Yes；　I　declare；〃

with　an　emphatic　tap；　〃there　is　a　secret　closet　here。　Here；　in

this　very　spot。　　Hark！　　How　hollow！〃　



〃Psha！　wife；　of　course　it　is　hollow。　Who　ever　heard　of　a　solid

chimney？〃　But　nothing　avails。　And　my　daughters　take　after；　not

me；　but　their　mother。　



Sometimes　all　three　abandon　the　theory　of　the　secret　closet　and

return　to　the　genuine　ground　of　attackthe　unsightliness　of　so

cumbrous　a　pile；　with　comments　upon　the　great　addition　of　room　to

be　gained　by　its　demolition；　and　the　fine　effect　of　the　projected

grand　hall；　and　the　convenience　resulting　from　the　collateral

running　in　one　direction　and　another　of　their　various　partitions。

Not　more　ruthlessly　did　the　Three　Powers　partition　away　poor

Poland；　than　my　wife　and　daughters　would　fain　partition　away　my

chimney。　



But　seeing　that；　despite　all；　I　and　my　chimney　still　smoke　our

pipes；　my　wife　reoccupies　the　ground　of　the　secret　closet；

enlarging　upon　what　wonders　are　there；　and　what　a　shame　it　is；

not　to　seek　it　out　and　explore　it。　



〃Wife；〃　said　I；　upon　one　of　these　occasions；　〃why　speak　more　of

that　secret　closet；　when　there　before　you　hangs　contrary

testimony　of　a　master　mason；　elected　by　yourself　to　decide。

Besides；　even　if　there　were　a　secret　closet；　secret　it　should

remain；　and　secret　it　shall。　Yes；　wife；　here　for　once　I　must　say

my　say。　Infinite　sad　mischief　has　resulted　from　the　profane

bursting　open　of　secret　recesses。　Though　standing　in　the　heart　of

this　house；　though　hitherto　we　have　all　nestled　about　it；

unsuspicious　of　aught　hidden　within；　this　chimney　may　or　may　not

have　a　secret　closet。　But　if　i