i and my chimney-第5节

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it；　this　chimney　will　still　survivea　Bunker　Hill　monument。　No；

no；　wife；　I　can't　abolish　my　backbone。〃　



So　said　I　then。　But　who　is　sure　of　himself；　especially　an　old

man；　with　both　wife　and　daughters　ever　at　his　elbow　and　ear？　In

time；　I　was　persuaded　to　think　a　little　better　of　it；　in　short；

to　take　the　matter　into　preliminary　consideration。　At　length　it

came　to　pass　that　a　master…masona　rough　sort　of　architectone

Mr。　Scribe；　was　summoned　to　a　conference。　I　formally　introduced

him　to　my　chimney。　A　previous　introduction　from　my　wife　had

introduced　him　to　myself。　　　He　had　been　not　a　little　employed　by

that　lady；　in　preparing　plans　and　estimates　for　some　of　her

extensive　operations　in　drainage。　Having；　with　much　ado；　exhorted

from　my　spouse　the　promise　that　she　would　leave　us　to　an

unmolested　survey；　I　began　by　leading　Mr。　Scribe　down　to　the　root

of　the　matter；　in　the　cellar。　Lamp　in　hand；　I　descended；　for

though　up…stairs　it　was　noon；　below　it　was　night。　



We　seemed　in　the　pyramids；　and　I；　with　one　hand　holding　my　lamp

over　head；　and　with　the　other　pointing　out；　in　the　obscurity；　the

hoar　mass　of　the　chimney；　seemed　some　Arab　guide；　showing　the

cobwebbed　mausoleum　of　the　great　god　Apis。

　

〃This　is　a　most　remarkable　structure；　sir；〃　said　the

master…mason；　after　long　contemplating　it　in　silence；　〃a　most

remarkable　structure；　sir。〃　



〃Yes；〃　said　I　complacently；　〃every　one　says　so。〃　



〃But　large　as　it　appears　above　the　roof；　I　　would　not　have

inferred　the　magnitude　of　this　foundation；　sir；〃　eyeing　it

critically。　



Then　taking　out　his　rule；　he　measured　it。



　〃Twelve　feet　square；　one　hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet！　　

Sir；　this　house　would　appear　to　have　been　built　simply　for　the

accommodation　of　your　chimney。〃　



〃Yes；　my　chimney　and　me。　Tell　me　candidly；　now；〃　I　added；　〃would

you　have　such　a　famous　chimney　abolished？〃　



〃I　wouldn't　have　it　in　a　house　of　mine；　sir；　for　a　gift；〃　was　the

reply。　〃It's　a　losing　affair　altogether；　sir。　Do　you　know；　sir；

that　in　retaining　this　chimney；　you　are　losing；　not　only　one

hundred　and　forty…four　square　feet　of　good　ground；　but　likewise　a

considerable　interest　upon　a　considerable　principal？〃　



〃How？〃



Look；　sir！〃　said　he；　taking　a　bit　of　red　chalk　from　his　pocket；

and　figuring　against　a　whitewashed　wall；　〃twenty　times　eight　is

so　and　so；　then　forty…two　times　thirtynine　is　so　and　soain't

it；sir？　Well；　add　those　together；　and　subtract　this　here；　then

that　makes　so　and　so；　〃　still　chalking　away。　



To　be　brief；　after　no　small　ciphering；　　Mr。　Scribe　informed　me

that　my　chimney　contained；　I　am　ashamed　to　say　how　many　thousand

and　odd　valuable　bricks。　



〃No　more；〃　said　I　fidgeting。　〃Pray　now；　let　us　have　a　look

above。〃　



In　that　upper　zone　we　made　two　more　circumnavigations　for　the

first　and　second　floors。　That　done；　we　stood　together　at　the　foot

of　the　stairway　by　the　front　door；　my　hand　upon　the　knob；　and　Mr。

Scribe　hat　in　hand。　



〃Well；　sir；〃　said　he；　a　sort　of　feeling　his　way；　and；　to　help

himself；　fumbling　with　his　hat；　〃well；　sir；　I　think　it　can　be

done。〃　



〃What；　pray；　Mr。　Scribe；　WHAT　can　be　done？〃　



〃Your　chimney；　sir；　it　can　without　rashness　be　removed；　I　think。〃



〃I　will　think　of　it；　too；　Mr。　Scribe〃　said　I；　turning　the　knob

and　bowing　him　towards　the　open　space　without；　〃I　will　THINK　of

it；　sir；　it　demands　consideration；　much　obliged　to　ye；　good

morning；　Mr。　Scribe。〃　



〃It　is　all　arranged；　then；〃　cried　my　wife　with　great　glee；

bursting　from　the　nighest　room。　



〃When　will　they　begin？〃　demanded　my　daughter　Julia。　

　

〃To…morrow？〃　asked　Anna。　



〃Patience；　patience；　my　dears；〃　said　I；　〃such　a　big　chimney　is

not　to　be　abolished　in　a　minute。〃　



Next　morning　it　began　again。　



〃You　remember　the　chimney；〃　said　my　wife。　〃Wife；〃　said　I；　〃it　is

never　out　of　my　house　and　never　out　of　my　mind。〃　



〃But　when　is　Mr。　Scribe　to　begin　to　pull　it　down？〃　asked　Anna。



　〃Not　to…day；　Anna；〃　said　I。　



〃WHEN；　then？〃　demanded　Julia；　in　alarm。



Now；　if　this　chimney　of　mine　was；　for　size；　a　sort　of　belfry；　for

ding…donging　at　me　about　it；　my　wife　and　daughters　were　a　sort　of

bells；　always　chiming　together；　or　taking　up　each　other's

melodies　at　every　pause；　my　wife　the　key…clapper　of　all。　A　very

sweet　ringing；　and　pealing；　and　chiming；　I　confess；　but　then；　the

most　silvery　of　bells　may；　sometimes；　dismally　toll；　as　well　as

merrily　play。　And　as　touching　the　subject　in　question；　it　became

so　now。　Perceiving　a　strange　relapse　of　opposition　in　me；　wife

and　daughters　began　a　soft　and　dirge…like；　melancholy　tolling

over　it。　



At　length　my　wife；　getting　much　excited；　declared　to　me；　with

pointed　finger；　that　so　long　as　that　chimney　stood；　she　should

regard　it　as　the　monument　of　what　she　called　my　broken　pledge。

But　finding　this　did　not　answer；　the　next　day；　she　gave　me　to

understand　that　either　she　or　the　chimney　must　quit　the　house。　



Finding　matters　coming　to　such　a　pass；　I　and　my　pipe

philosophized　over　them　awhile；　and　finally　concluded　between　us；

that　little　as　our　hearts　went　with　the　plan；　yet　for　peace'

sake；　I　might　write　out　the　chimney's　death…warrant；　and；　while

my　hand　was　in；　scratch　a　note　to　Mr。　Scribe。　



Considering　that　I；　and　my　chimney；　and　my　pipe；　from　having　been

so　much　together；　were　three　great　cronies；　the　facility　with

which　my　pipe　consented　to　a　project　so　fatal　to　the　goodliest　of

our　trio；　or　rather；　the　way　in　　which　I　and　my　pipe；　in　secret；

conspired　togetber；　as　it　were；　against　our　unsuspicious　old

comradethis　may　seem　rather　strange；　if　not　suggestive　of　sad

reflections　upon　us　two。　But；　indeed；　we；　sons　of　clay；　that　is

my　pipe　and　I；　are　no　wbit　better　than　the　rest。　Far　from　us；

indeed；　to　have　volunteered　the　betrayal　of　our　crony。　We　are　of

a　peaceable　nature；　too。　But　that　love　of　peace　it　was　which　made

us　false　to　a　mutual　friend；　as　soon　as　his　cause　demanded　a

vigorous　vindication。　But；　I　rejoice　to　add；　that　better　and

braver　thoughts　soon　returned；　as　will　now　briefly　be　set　forth。　



To　my　note；　Mr。　Scribe　replied　in　person。



Once　more　we　made　a　survey；　mainly　now　with　a　view　to　a　pecuniary

estimate。　



〃I　will　do　it　for　five　hundred　dollars；〃　said　Mr。　Scribe　at　last；

again　hat　in　hand。　



〃Very　well；　Mr。　Scribe；　I　will　think　of　it；〃　replied　I；　again

bowing　him　to　the　door。



Not　unvexed　by　this；　for　the　second　time；　unexpected　response；

again　he　withdrew；　and　from　my　wife；　and　daughters　again　burst

the　old　exclamations。　



The　truth　is；　resolved　how　I　would；　at　the　last　pinch　I　and　my

chimney　could　not　be　parted。　



So　Holofernes　will　have　his　way；　never　mind　whose　heart　breaks

for　it〃　said　my　wife　next　morning；　at　breakfast；　in　that

half…didactic；　half…reproachful　way　of　hers；　which　is　harder　to

bear　than　her　most　energetic　assault。　Holofernes；　too；　is　with

her　a　pet　name　for　any　fell　domestic　despot。　So；　whenever；

against　her　most　ambitious　innovations；　those　which　saw　me　quite

across　the　grain；　I；　as　in　the　present　instance；　stand　with

however　little　steadfastness　on　the　defence；　she　is　sure　to　call

me　Holofernes；　and　ten　to　one　takes　the　first　opportunity　to　read

aloud；　with　a　suppressed　emphasis；　of　an　evening；　the　first

newspaper　paragraph　about　some　tyrannic　day…laborer；　who；　after

being　for　many　years　the　Caligula　of　his　family；　ends　by　beating

his　long…suffering　spouse　to　death；　with　a　garret　door　wrenched

off　its　hinges；　and　then；　pitching　his　little　innocents　out　of

the　window；　suicidally　turns　inward　towards　the　broken　wall

scored　with　the　butcher's　and　baker's　bills；　and　so　rushes

headlong　to　his　dreadful　account。　



Nevertheless；　for　a　few　days；　not　a　little　to　my　surprise；　I

heard　no　further　reproaches。　An　intense　calm　pervaded　my　wife；

but　beneath　which；　as　in　the　sea；　there　was　no　knowing　what

portentous　movements　might　be　going　on。　She　frequently　went

abroad；　and　in　a　direction　which　I　thought　not　unsuspicious；

namely；　in　the　direction　of　New　Petra；　a　griffin…like　house　of

wood　and　stucco；　in　the　highest　style　of　ornamental　art；　graced

with　four　chimneys　in　the　form　of　erect　dragons　spouting　smoke

from　their　nostrils；　the　elegant　modern　residence　of　Mr。　Scribe；

which　he　had　built　for　the　purpose　of　a　standing　advertisement；

not　more　of　his　taste　as　an　architect；　than　his　solidity　as　a

master…mason。　



At　last；　smoking　my　pipe　one　morning；　I　heard　a　rap　at　the　door；

and　my　wife；　with　an　air　unusually　quiet　for　her　brought　me　a

note。　　As　I　have　no　correspondents　except　Solomon；　with　whom　in

his　sentiments；　at　least；　I　entirely　correspond；　the　note

occasioned　me　some　little　surprise；　which　was　not　dismissed　upon

reading　the　following：　



NEW　PETRA；　April　1st。　

SirDuring　my　last　examination　of　your　chimney；　possibly　you　may

have　noted　that　I　frequently　applied　my　rule　to　it　in　a　manner

apparently　un