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i and my chimney-第5节

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it; this chimney will still survivea Bunker Hill monument。 No;

no; wife; I can't abolish my backbone。〃 



So said I then。 But who is sure of himself; especially an old

man; with both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In

time; I was persuaded to think a little better of it; in short;

to take the matter into preliminary consideration。 At length it

came to pass that a master…masona rough sort of architectone

Mr。 Scribe; was summoned to a conference。 I formally introduced

him to my chimney。 A previous introduction from my wife had

introduced him to myself。   He had been not a little employed by

that lady; in preparing plans and estimates for some of her

extensive operations in drainage。 Having; with much ado; exhorted

from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an

unmolested survey; I began by leading Mr。 Scribe down to the root

of the matter; in the cellar。 Lamp in hand; I descended; for

though up…stairs it was noon; below it was night。 



We seemed in the pyramids; and I; with one hand holding my lamp

over head; and with the other pointing out; in the obscurity; the

hoar mass of the chimney; seemed some Arab guide; showing the

cobwebbed mausoleum of the great god Apis。

 

〃This is a most remarkable structure; sir;〃 said the

master…mason; after long contemplating it in silence; 〃a most

remarkable structure; sir。〃 



〃Yes;〃 said I complacently; 〃every one says so。〃 



〃But large as it appears above the roof; I  would not have

inferred the magnitude of this foundation; sir;〃 eyeing it

critically。 



Then taking out his rule; he measured it。



 〃Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty…four square feet!  

Sir; this house would appear to have been built simply for the

accommodation of your chimney。〃 



〃Yes; my chimney and me。 Tell me candidly; now;〃 I added; 〃would

you have such a famous chimney abolished?〃 



〃I wouldn't have it in a house of mine; sir; for a gift;〃 was the

reply。 〃It's a losing affair altogether; sir。 Do you know; sir;

that in retaining this chimney; you are losing; not only one

hundred and forty…four square feet of good ground; but likewise a

considerable interest upon a considerable principal?〃 



〃How?〃



Look; sir!〃 said he; taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket;

and figuring against a whitewashed wall; 〃twenty times eight is

so and so; then forty…two times thirtynine is so and soain't

it;sir? Well; add those together; and subtract this here; then

that makes so and so; 〃 still chalking away。 



To be brief; after no small ciphering;  Mr。 Scribe informed me

that my chimney contained; I am ashamed to say how many thousand

and odd valuable bricks。 



〃No more;〃 said I fidgeting。 〃Pray now; let us have a look

above。〃 



In that upper zone we made two more circumnavigations for the

first and second floors。 That done; we stood together at the foot

of the stairway by the front door; my hand upon the knob; and Mr。

Scribe hat in hand。 



〃Well; sir;〃 said he; a sort of feeling his way; and; to help

himself; fumbling with his hat; 〃well; sir; I think it can be

done。〃 



〃What; pray; Mr。 Scribe; WHAT can be done?〃 



〃Your chimney; sir; it can without rashness be removed; I think。〃



〃I will think of it; too; Mr。 Scribe〃 said I; turning the knob

and bowing him towards the open space without; 〃I will THINK of

it; sir; it demands consideration; much obliged to ye; good

morning; Mr。 Scribe。〃 



〃It is all arranged; then;〃 cried my wife with great glee;

bursting from the nighest room。 



〃When will they begin?〃 demanded my daughter Julia。 

 

〃To…morrow?〃 asked Anna。 



〃Patience; patience; my dears;〃 said I; 〃such a big chimney is

not to be abolished in a minute。〃 



Next morning it began again。 



〃You remember the chimney;〃 said my wife。 〃Wife;〃 said I; 〃it is

never out of my house and never out of my mind。〃 



〃But when is Mr。 Scribe to begin to pull it down?〃 asked Anna。



 〃Not to…day; Anna;〃 said I。 



〃WHEN; then?〃 demanded Julia; in alarm。



Now; if this chimney of mine was; for size; a sort of belfry; for

ding…donging at me about it; my wife and daughters were a sort of

bells; always chiming together; or taking up each other's

melodies at every pause; my wife the key…clapper of all。 A very

sweet ringing; and pealing; and chiming; I confess; but then; the

most silvery of bells may; sometimes; dismally toll; as well as

merrily play。 And as touching the subject in question; it became

so now。 Perceiving a strange relapse of opposition in me; wife

and daughters began a soft and dirge…like; melancholy tolling

over it。 



At length my wife; getting much excited; declared to me; with

pointed finger; that so long as that chimney stood; she should

regard it as the monument of what she called my broken pledge。

But finding this did not answer; the next day; she gave me to

understand that either she or the chimney must quit the house。 



Finding matters coming to such a pass; I and my pipe

philosophized over them awhile; and finally concluded between us;

that little as our hearts went with the plan; yet for peace'

sake; I might write out the chimney's death…warrant; and; while

my hand was in; scratch a note to Mr。 Scribe。 



Considering that I; and my chimney; and my pipe; from having been

so much together; were three great cronies; the facility with

which my pipe consented to a project so fatal to the goodliest of

our trio; or rather; the way in  which I and my pipe; in secret;

conspired togetber; as it were; against our unsuspicious old

comradethis may seem rather strange; if not suggestive of sad

reflections upon us two。 But; indeed; we; sons of clay; that is

my pipe and I; are no wbit better than the rest。 Far from us;

indeed; to have volunteered the betrayal of our crony。 We are of

a peaceable nature; too。 But that love of peace it was which made

us false to a mutual friend; as soon as his cause demanded a

vigorous vindication。 But; I rejoice to add; that better and

braver thoughts soon returned; as will now briefly be set forth。 



To my note; Mr。 Scribe replied in person。



Once more we made a survey; mainly now with a view to a pecuniary

estimate。 



〃I will do it for five hundred dollars;〃 said Mr。 Scribe at last;

again hat in hand。 



〃Very well; Mr。 Scribe; I will think of it;〃 replied I; again

bowing him to the door。



Not unvexed by this; for the second time; unexpected response;

again he withdrew; and from my wife; and daughters again burst

the old exclamations。 



The truth is; resolved how I would; at the last pinch I and my

chimney could not be parted。 



So Holofernes will have his way; never mind whose heart breaks

for it〃 said my wife next morning; at breakfast; in that

half…didactic; half…reproachful way of hers; which is harder to

bear than her most energetic assault。 Holofernes; too; is with

her a pet name for any fell domestic despot。 So; whenever;

against her most ambitious innovations; those which saw me quite

across the grain; I; as in the present instance; stand with

however little steadfastness on the defence; she is sure to call

me Holofernes; and ten to one takes the first opportunity to read

aloud; with a suppressed emphasis; of an evening; the first

newspaper paragraph about some tyrannic day…laborer; who; after

being for many years the Caligula of his family; ends by beating

his long…suffering spouse to death; with a garret door wrenched

off its hinges; and then; pitching his little innocents out of

the window; suicidally turns inward towards the broken wall

scored with the butcher's and baker's bills; and so rushes

headlong to his dreadful account。 



Nevertheless; for a few days; not a little to my surprise; I

heard no further reproaches。 An intense calm pervaded my wife;

but beneath which; as in the sea; there was no knowing what

portentous movements might be going on。 She frequently went

abroad; and in a direction which I thought not unsuspicious;

namely; in the direction of New Petra; a griffin…like house of

wood and stucco; in the highest style of ornamental art; graced

with four chimneys in the form of erect dragons spouting smoke

from their nostrils; the elegant modern residence of Mr。 Scribe;

which he had built for the purpose of a standing advertisement;

not more of his taste as an architect; than his solidity as a

master…mason。 



At last; smoking my pipe one morning; I heard a rap at the door;

and my wife; with an air unusually quiet for her brought me a

note。  As I have no correspondents except Solomon; with whom in

his sentiments; at least; I entirely correspond; the note

occasioned me some little surprise; which was not dismissed upon

reading the following: 



NEW PETRA; April 1st。 

SirDuring my last examination of your chimney; possibly you may

have noted that I frequently applied my rule to it in a manner

apparently un

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