i and my chimney-第4节

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philosophy；　with　other　new　views；　alike　in　things　natural　and

unnatural；　and　immortally　hopeful；　is　forever　making　new

flower…beds　even　on　the　north　side　of　the　house　where　the　bleak

mountain　wind　would　scarce　allow　the　wiry　weed　called　hard…hack

to　gain　a　thorough　footing；　and　on　the　road…side　sets　out　mere

pipe…stems　of　young　elms；　though　there　is　no　hope　of　any　shade

from　them；　except　over　the　ruins　of　her　great　granddaughter's

gravestones；　and　won't　wear　caps；　but　plaits　her　gray　hair；　and

takes　the　Ladies'　Magazine　for　the　fashions；　and　always　buys　her

new　almanac　a　month　before　the　new　year；　and　rises　at　dawn；　and

to　the　warmest　sunset　turns　a　cold　shoulder；　and　still　goes　on　at

odd　hours　with　her　new　course　of　history；　and　her　French；　and　her

music；　and　likes　a　young　company；　and　offers　to　ride　young　colts；

and　sets　out　young　suckers　in　the　orchard；　and　has　a　spite

against　my　elbowed　old　grape…vine；　and　my　club…footed　old

neighbor；　and　my　claw…footed　old　chair；　and　above　all；　high　above

all；　would　fain　persecute；　until　death；　my　high…mantled　old

chimney。　By　what　perverse　magic；　I　a　thousand　times　think；　does

such　a　very　autumnal　old　lady　have　such　a　very　vernal　young　soul？

When　I　would　remonstrate　at　times；　she　spins　round　on　me　with；

〃Oh；　don't　you　grumble；　old　man　（she　always　calls　me　old　man）；

it's　I；　young　I；　that　keep　you　from　stagnating。〃　Well；　I　suppose

it　is　so。　Yea；　after　all；　these　things　are　well　ordered。　My　wife；

as　one　of　her　poor　relations；　good　soul；　intimates；　is　the　salt

of　the　earth；　and　none　the　less　the　salt　of　my　sea；　which

otherwise　were　unwholesome。　She　is　its　monsoon；　too；　blowing　a

brisk　gale　over　it；　in　the　one　steady　direction　of　my　chimney。　



Not　insensible　of　her　superior　energies；　my　wife　has　frequently

made　me　propositions　to　take　upon　herself　all　the

responsibilities　of　my　affairs。　She　is　desirous　that；

domestically；　I　should　abdicate；　that；　renouncing　further　rule；

like　the　venerable　Charles　V；　I　should　retire　intoo　some　sort　of

monastery。　But　indeed；　the　chimney　excepted；　I　have　little

authority　to　lay　down。　By　my　wife's　ingenious　application　of　the

principle　that　certain　things　belong　of　right　to　female

jurisdiction；　I　find　myself；　through　my　easy　compliances；

insensibly　stripped　by　degrees　of　one　masculine　prerogative　after

another。　In　a　dream　I　go　about　my　fields；　a　sort　of　lazy；

happy…go…lucky；　good…for…nothing；　loafing　old　Lear。　Only　by　some

sudden　revelation　am　I　reminded　who　is　over　me；　as　year　before

last；　one　day　seeing　in　one　corner　of　the　premises　fresh　deposits

of　mysterious　boards　and　timbers；　the　oddity　of　the　incident　at

length　begat　serious　meditation。　〃Wife；〃　said　I；　〃whose　boards

and　timbers　are　those　I　see　near　the　orchard　there？　Do　you　know

anything　about　them；　wife？　Who　put　them　there？　You　know　I　do　not

like　the　neighbors　to　use　my　land　that　way；　they　should　ask

permission　first。〃　



She　regarded　me　with　a　pitying　smile。



〃Why；　old　man；　don't　you　know　I　am　building　a　new　barn？　Didn't

you　know　that；　old　man？〃　



This　is　the　poor　old　lady　who　was　accusing　me　of　tyrannizing　over

her。　



To　return　now　to　the　chimney。　Upon　being　assured　of　the　futility

of　her　proposed　hall；　so　long　as　the　obstacle　remained；　for　a

time　my　wife　was　for　a　modified　project。　But　I　could　never

exactly　comprehend　it。　As　far　as　I　could　see　through　it；　it

seemed　to　involve　the　general　idea　of　a　sort　of　irregular

archway；　or　elbowed　tunnel；　which　was　to　penetrate　the　chimney　at

some　convenient　point　under　the　staircase；　and　carefully　avoiding

dangerous　contact　with　the　　fireplaces；　and　particularly　steering

clear　of　the　great　interior　flue；　was　to　conduct　the　enterprising

traveler　from　the　front　door　all　the　way　into　the　dining…room　in

the　remote　rear　of　the　mansion。　Doubtless　it　was　a　bold　stroke　of

genius；　that　plan　of　hers；　and　so　was　Nero's　when　he　schemed　his

grand　canal　through　the　Isthmus　of　Corinth。　Nor　will　I　take　oath；

that；　had　her　project　been　accomplished；　then；　by　help　of　lights

hung　at　judicious　intervals　through　the　tunnel；　some　Belzoni　or

other　might　have　succeeded　in　future　ages　in　penetrating　through

the　masonry；　and　actually　emerging　into　the　dining…room；　and　once

there；　it　would　have　been　inhospitable　treatment　of　such　a

traveler　to　have　denied　him　a　recruiting　meal。　



But　my　bustling　wife　did　not　restrict　her　objections；　nor　in　the

end　confine　her　proposed　alterations　to　the　first　floor。　Her

ambition　was　of　the　mounting　order。　She　ascended　with　her　schemes

to　the　second　floor；　and　so　to　the　attic。　Perhaps　there　was　some

small　ground　for　her　discontent　with　things　as　they　were。　The

truth　is；　there　was　no　regular　passage…way　up…stairs　or　down；

unless　we　again　except　that　little　orchestra…gallery　before

mentioned。　And　all　this　was　owing　to　the　chimney；　which　my

gamesome　spouse　seemed　despitefully　to　regard　as　the　bully　of　the

house。　On　all　its　four　sides；　nearly　all　the　chambers　sidled　up

to　the　chimney　for　the　benefit　of　a　fireplace。　The　chimney　would

not　go　to　them；　they　must　needs　go　to　it。　The　consequence　was；

almost　every　room；　like　a　philosophical　system；　was　in　itself　an

entry；　or　passage…way　to　other　rooms；　and　systems　of　roomsa

whole　suite　of　entries；　in　fact。　Going　through　the　house；　you

seem　to　be　forever　going　somewhere；　and　getting　nowhere。　It　is

like　losing　one's　self　in　the　woods；　round　and　round　the　chimney

you　go；　and　if　you　arrive　at　all；　it　is　just　where　you　started；

and　so　you　begin　again；　and　again　get　nowhere。　Indeedthough　I

say　it　not　in　the　way　of　faultfinding　at　allnever　was　there　so

labyrinthine　an　abode。　Guests　will　tarry　with　me　several　weeks

and　every　now　and　then；　be　anew　astonished　at　some　unforseen

apartment。　

　

The　puzzling　nature　of　the　mansion；　resulting　from　the　chimney；

is　peculiarly　noticeable　in　the　dining…room；　which　has　no　less

than　nine　doors；　opening　in　all　directions；　and　into　all　sorts　of

places。　A　stranger　for　the　first　time　entering　this　dining…room；

and　naturally　taking　no　special　heed　at　which　door　he　entered；

will；　upon　rising　to　depart；　commit　the　strangest　blunders。　Such；

for　instance；　as　opening　the　first　door　that　comes　handy；　and

finding　himself　stealing　up…stairs　by　the　back　passage。　Shutting

that　he　will　proceed　to　another；　and　be　aghast　at　the　cellar

yawning　at　his　feet。　Trying　a　third；　he　surprises　the　housemaid

at　her　work。　In　the　end；　no　more　relying　on　his　own　unaided

efforts；　he　procures　a　trusty　guide　in　some　passing　person；　and

in　good　time　successfully　emerges。　Perhaps　as　curious　a　blunder

as　any；　was　that　of　a　certain　stylish　young　gentleman；　a　great

exquisite；　in　whose　judicious　eyes　my　daughter　Anna　had　found

especial　favor。　He　called　upon　the　young　lady　one　evening；　and

found　her　alone　in　the　dining…room　at　her　needlework。　He　stayed

rather　late；　and　after　abundance　of　superfine　discourse；　all　the

while　retaining　his　hat　and　cane；　made　his　profuse　adieus；　and

with　repeated　graceful　bows　proceeded　to　depart；　after　fashion　of

courtiers　from　the　Queen；　and　by　so　doing；　opening　a　door　at

random；　with　one　hand　placed　behind；　very　effectually　succeeded

in　backing　himself　into　a　dark　pantry；　where　be　carefully　shut

himself　up；　wondering　there　was　no　light　in　the　entry。　After

several　strange　noises　as　of　a　cat　among　the　crockery；　he

reappeared　through　the　same　door；　looking　uncommonly　crestfallen；

and；　with　a　deeply　embarrassed　air；　requested　my　daughter　to

designate　at　which　of　the　nine　he　should　find　exit。　When　the

mischievous　Anna　told　me　the　story；　she　said　it　was　surprising

how　unaffected　and　matter…of…fact　the　young　gentleman's　manner

was　after　his　reappearance。　He　was　more　candid　than　ever；　to　be

sure；　having　inadvertently　thrust　his　white　kids　into　an　open

drawer　of　Havana　sugar；　under　the　impression；　probably；　that

being　what　they　call　〃a　sweet　fellow；〃　his　route　might　possibly

lie　in　that　direction。　



Another　inconvenience　resulting　from　the　chimney　is；　the

bewilderment　of　a　guest　in　gaining　his　chamber；　many　strange

doors　lying　between　him　and　it。　To　direct　him　by　finger…posts

would　look　rather　queer；　and　just　as　queer　in　him　to　be　knocking

at　every　door　on　his　route；　like　London's　city　guest；　the　king；

at　Temple…Bar。　



Now；　of　all　these　things　and　many；　many　more；　my　family

continually　complained。　At　last　my　wife　came　out　with　her

sweeping　propositionin　toto　to　abolish　the　chimney。　



〃What！〃　said　I；　〃abolish　the　chimney？　To　take　out　the　backbone　of

anything；　wife；　is　a　hazardous　affair。　　　Spines　out　of　backs；　and

chimneys　out　of　houses；　are　not　to　be　taken　like　frosted　lead

pipes　from　the　ground。　Besides；〃　added　I；　〃the　chimney　is　the　one

grand　permanence　of　this　abode。　If　undisturbed　by　innovators；

then　in　future　ages；　when　all　the　house　shall　have　crumbled　from

it；　this　chimney　will　still　survivea　Bunker　Hill　monument。　No；

no；　wife；　I　can't　abolish　my　backbone。〃