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i and my chimney-第4节

小说: i and my chimney 字数: 每页4000字

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philosophy; with other new views; alike in things natural and

unnatural; and immortally hopeful; is forever making new

flower…beds even on the north side of the house where the bleak

mountain wind would scarce allow the wiry weed called hard…hack

to gain a thorough footing; and on the road…side sets out mere

pipe…stems of young elms; though there is no hope of any shade

from them; except over the ruins of her great granddaughter's

gravestones; and won't wear caps; but plaits her gray hair; and

takes the Ladies' Magazine for the fashions; and always buys her

new almanac a month before the new year; and rises at dawn; and

to the warmest sunset turns a cold shoulder; and still goes on at

odd hours with her new course of history; and her French; and her

music; and likes a young company; and offers to ride young colts;

and sets out young suckers in the orchard; and has a spite

against my elbowed old grape…vine; and my club…footed old

neighbor; and my claw…footed old chair; and above all; high above

all; would fain persecute; until death; my high…mantled old

chimney。 By what perverse magic; I a thousand times think; does

such a very autumnal old lady have such a very vernal young soul?

When I would remonstrate at times; she spins round on me with;

〃Oh; don't you grumble; old man (she always calls me old man);

it's I; young I; that keep you from stagnating。〃 Well; I suppose

it is so。 Yea; after all; these things are well ordered。 My wife;

as one of her poor relations; good soul; intimates; is the salt

of the earth; and none the less the salt of my sea; which

otherwise were unwholesome。 She is its monsoon; too; blowing a

brisk gale over it; in the one steady direction of my chimney。 



Not insensible of her superior energies; my wife has frequently

made me propositions to take upon herself all the

responsibilities of my affairs。 She is desirous that;

domestically; I should abdicate; that; renouncing further rule;

like the venerable Charles V; I should retire intoo some sort of

monastery。 But indeed; the chimney excepted; I have little

authority to lay down。 By my wife's ingenious application of the

principle that certain things belong of right to female

jurisdiction; I find myself; through my easy compliances;

insensibly stripped by degrees of one masculine prerogative after

another。 In a dream I go about my fields; a sort of lazy;

happy…go…lucky; good…for…nothing; loafing old Lear。 Only by some

sudden revelation am I reminded who is over me; as year before

last; one day seeing in one corner of the premises fresh deposits

of mysterious boards and timbers; the oddity of the incident at

length begat serious meditation。 〃Wife;〃 said I; 〃whose boards

and timbers are those I see near the orchard there? Do you know

anything about them; wife? Who put them there? You know I do not

like the neighbors to use my land that way; they should ask

permission first。〃 



She regarded me with a pitying smile。



〃Why; old man; don't you know I am building a new barn? Didn't

you know that; old man?〃 



This is the poor old lady who was accusing me of tyrannizing over

her。 



To return now to the chimney。 Upon being assured of the futility

of her proposed hall; so long as the obstacle remained; for a

time my wife was for a modified project。 But I could never

exactly comprehend it。 As far as I could see through it; it

seemed to involve the general idea of a sort of irregular

archway; or elbowed tunnel; which was to penetrate the chimney at

some convenient point under the staircase; and carefully avoiding

dangerous contact with the  fireplaces; and particularly steering

clear of the great interior flue; was to conduct the enterprising

traveler from the front door all the way into the dining…room in

the remote rear of the mansion。 Doubtless it was a bold stroke of

genius; that plan of hers; and so was Nero's when he schemed his

grand canal through the Isthmus of Corinth。 Nor will I take oath;

that; had her project been accomplished; then; by help of lights

hung at judicious intervals through the tunnel; some Belzoni or

other might have succeeded in future ages in penetrating through

the masonry; and actually emerging into the dining…room; and once

there; it would have been inhospitable treatment of such a

traveler to have denied him a recruiting meal。 



But my bustling wife did not restrict her objections; nor in the

end confine her proposed alterations to the first floor。 Her

ambition was of the mounting order。 She ascended with her schemes

to the second floor; and so to the attic。 Perhaps there was some

small ground for her discontent with things as they were。 The

truth is; there was no regular passage…way up…stairs or down;

unless we again except that little orchestra…gallery before

mentioned。 And all this was owing to the chimney; which my

gamesome spouse seemed despitefully to regard as the bully of the

house。 On all its four sides; nearly all the chambers sidled up

to the chimney for the benefit of a fireplace。 The chimney would

not go to them; they must needs go to it。 The consequence was;

almost every room; like a philosophical system; was in itself an

entry; or passage…way to other rooms; and systems of roomsa

whole suite of entries; in fact。 Going through the house; you

seem to be forever going somewhere; and getting nowhere。 It is

like losing one's self in the woods; round and round the chimney

you go; and if you arrive at all; it is just where you started;

and so you begin again; and again get nowhere。 Indeedthough I

say it not in the way of faultfinding at allnever was there so

labyrinthine an abode。 Guests will tarry with me several weeks

and every now and then; be anew astonished at some unforseen

apartment。 

 

The puzzling nature of the mansion; resulting from the chimney;

is peculiarly noticeable in the dining…room; which has no less

than nine doors; opening in all directions; and into all sorts of

places。 A stranger for the first time entering this dining…room;

and naturally taking no special heed at which door he entered;

will; upon rising to depart; commit the strangest blunders。 Such;

for instance; as opening the first door that comes handy; and

finding himself stealing up…stairs by the back passage。 Shutting

that he will proceed to another; and be aghast at the cellar

yawning at his feet。 Trying a third; he surprises the housemaid

at her work。 In the end; no more relying on his own unaided

efforts; he procures a trusty guide in some passing person; and

in good time successfully emerges。 Perhaps as curious a blunder

as any; was that of a certain stylish young gentleman; a great

exquisite; in whose judicious eyes my daughter Anna had found

especial favor。 He called upon the young lady one evening; and

found her alone in the dining…room at her needlework。 He stayed

rather late; and after abundance of superfine discourse; all the

while retaining his hat and cane; made his profuse adieus; and

with repeated graceful bows proceeded to depart; after fashion of

courtiers from the Queen; and by so doing; opening a door at

random; with one hand placed behind; very effectually succeeded

in backing himself into a dark pantry; where be carefully shut

himself up; wondering there was no light in the entry。 After

several strange noises as of a cat among the crockery; he

reappeared through the same door; looking uncommonly crestfallen;

and; with a deeply embarrassed air; requested my daughter to

designate at which of the nine he should find exit。 When the

mischievous Anna told me the story; she said it was surprising

how unaffected and matter…of…fact the young gentleman's manner

was after his reappearance。 He was more candid than ever; to be

sure; having inadvertently thrust his white kids into an open

drawer of Havana sugar; under the impression; probably; that

being what they call 〃a sweet fellow;〃 his route might possibly

lie in that direction。 



Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is; the

bewilderment of a guest in gaining his chamber; many strange

doors lying between him and it。 To direct him by finger…posts

would look rather queer; and just as queer in him to be knocking

at every door on his route; like London's city guest; the king;

at Temple…Bar。 



Now; of all these things and many; many more; my family

continually complained。 At last my wife came out with her

sweeping propositionin toto to abolish the chimney。 



〃What!〃 said I; 〃abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone of

anything; wife; is a hazardous affair。   Spines out of backs; and

chimneys out of houses; are not to be taken like frosted lead

pipes from the ground。 Besides;〃 added I; 〃the chimney is the one

grand permanence of this abode。 If undisturbed by innovators;

then in future ages; when all the house shall have crumbled from

it; this chimney will still survivea Bunker Hill monument。 No;

no; wife; I can't abolish my backbone。〃

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