lecture08-第3节

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merriment　or　diversion；　that　I　thought　was　not　debauched　or



openly　vicious；　but　when　I　returned　from　my　carnal　mirth　I　felt



as　guilty　as　ever；　and　could　sometimes　not　close　my　eyes　for　some



hours　after　I　had　gone　to　my　bed。　　I　was　one　of　the　most　unhappy



creatures　on　earth。







〃Sometimes　I　would　leave　the　company　（often　speaking　to　the



fiddler　to　cease　from　playing；　as　if　I　was　tired）；　and　go　out　and



walk　about　crying　and　praying；　as　if　my　very　heart　would　break；



and　beseeching　God　that　he　would　not　cut　me　off；　nor　give　me　up



to　hardness　of　heart。　　Oh；　what　unhappy　hours　and　nights　I　thus



wore　away！　　When　I　met　sometimes　with　merry　companions；　and　my



heart　was　ready　to　sink；　I　would　labor　to　put　on　as　cheerful　a



countenance　as　possible；　that　they　might　not　distrust　anything；



and　sometimes　would　begin　some　discourse　with　young　men　or　young



women　on　purpose；　or　propose　a　merry　song；　lest　the　distress　of



my　soul　would　be　discovered；　or　mistrusted；　when　at　the　same　time



I　would　then　rather　have　been　in　a　wilderness　in　exile；　than　with



them　or　any　of　their　pleasures　or　enjoyments。　　Thus　for　many



months　when　I　was　in　company？　　I　would　act　the　hypocrite　and



feign　a　merry　heart　but　at　the　same　time　would　endeavor　as　much



as　I　could　to　shun　their　company；　oh　wretched　and　unhappy　mortal



that　I　was！　　Everything　I　did；　and　wherever　I　went；　I　was　still



in　a　storm　and　yet　I　continued　to　be　the　chief　contriver　and



ringleader　of　the　frolics　for　many　months　after；　though　it　was　a



toil　and　torment　to　attend　them；　but　the　devil　and　my　own　wicked



heart　drove　me　about　like　a　slave；　telling　me　that　I　must　do　this



and　do　that；　and　bear　this　and　bear　that；　and　turn　here　and　turn



there；　to　keep　my　credit　up；　and　retain　the　esteem　of　my



associates：　　and　all　this　while　I　continued　as　strict　as　possible



in　my　duties；　and　left　no　stone　unturned　to　pacify　my　conscience；



watching　even　against　my　thoughts；　and　praying　continually



wherever　I　went：　　for　I　did　not　think　there　was　any　sin　in　my



conduct；　when　I　was　among　carnal　company；　because　I　did　not　take



any　satisfaction　there；　but　only　followed　it；　I　thought；　for



sufficient　reasons。







〃But　still；　all　that　I　did　or　could　do；　conscience　would　roar



night　and　day。〃







Saint　Augustine　and　Alline　both　emerged　into　the　smooth　waters　of



inner　unity　and　peace；　and　I　shall　next　ask　you　to　consider　more



closely　some　of　the　peculiarities　of　the　process　of　unification；



when　it　occurs。　　It　may　come　gradually；　or　it　may　occur　abruptly；



it　may　come　through　altered　feelings；　or　through　altered　powers



of　action；　or　it　may　come　through　new　intellectual　insights；　or



through　experiences　which　we　shall　later　have　to　designate　as



'mystical。'　　However　it　come；　it　brings　a　characteristic　sort　of



relief；　and　never　such　extreme　relief　as　when　it　is　cast　into　the



religious　mould。　　Happiness！　happiness！　religion　is　only　one　of



the　ways　in　which　men　gain　that　gift。　　Easily；　permanently；　and



successfully；　it　often　transforms　the　most　intolerable　misery



into　the　profoundest　and　most　enduring　happiness。







But　to　find　religion　is　only　one　out　of　many　ways　of　reaching



unity；　and　the　process　of　remedying　inner　incompleteness　and



reducing　inner　discord　is　a　general　psychological　process；　which



may　take　place　with　any　sort　of　mental　material；　and　need　not



necessarily　assume　the　religious　form。　　In　judging　of　the



religious　types　of　regeneration　which　we　are　about　to　study；　it



is　important　to　recognize　that　they　are　only　one　species　of　a



genus　that　contains　other　types　as　well。　　For　example；　the　new



birth　may　be　away　from　religion　into　incredulity；　or　it　may　be



from　moral　scrupulosity　into　freedom　and　license；　or　it　may　be



produced　by　the　irruption　into　the　individual's　life　of　some　new



stimulus　or　passion；　such　as　love；　ambition；　cupidity；　revenge；



or　patriotic　devotion。　　In　all　these　instances　we　have　precisely



the　same　psychological　form　of　event；a　firmness；　stability；　and



equilibrium　　succeeding　a　period　of　storm　and　stress　and



inconsistency。　　In　these　non…religious　cases　the　new　man　may　also



be　born　either　gradually　or　suddenly。







The　French　philosopher　Jouffroy　has　left　an　eloquent　memorial　of



his　own　〃counter…conversion；〃　as　the　transition　from　orthodoxy　to



infidelity　has　been　well　styled　by　Mr。　Starbuck。　　Jouffroy's



doubts　had　long　harassed　him；　but　he　dates　his　final　crisis　from



a　certain　night　when　his　disbelief　grew　fixed　and　stable；　and



where　the　immediate　result　was　sadness　at　the　illusions　he　had



lost。







〃I　shall　never　forget　that　night　of　December；〃　writes　Jouffroy；



〃in　which　the　veil　that　concealed　from　me　my　own　incredulity　was



torn。　　I　hear　again　my　steps　in　that　narrow　naked　chamber　where



long　after　the　hour　of　sleep　had　come　I　had　the　habit　of　walking



up　and　down。　　I　see　again　that　moon；　half…veiled　by　clouds；



which　now　and　again　illuminated　the　frigid　window…panes。　　The



hours　of　the　night　flowed　on　and　I　did　not　note　their　passage。　



Anxiously　I　followed　my　thoughts；　as　from　layer　to　layer　they



descended　towards　the　foundation　of　my　consciousness；　and；



scattering　one　by　one　all　the　illusions　which　until　then　had



screened　its　windings　from　my　view；　made　them　every　moment　more



clearly　visible。







〃Vainly　I　clung　to　these　last　beliefs　as　a　shipwrecked　sailor



clings　to　the　fragments　of　his　vessel；　vainly；　frightened　at　the



unknown　void　in　which　I　was　about　to　float；　I　turned　with　them



towards　my　childhood；　my　family；　my　country；　all　that　was　dear



and　sacred　to　me：　　the　inflexible　current　of　my　thought　was　too



strongparents；　family；　memory；　beliefs；　it　forced　me　to　let　go



of　everything。　　The　investigation　went　on　more　obstinate　and　more



severe　as　it　drew　near　its　term；　and　did　not　stop　until　the　end



was　reached。　　I　knew　then　that　in　the　depth　of　my　mind　nothing



was　left　that　stood　erect。







〃This　moment　was　a　frightful　one；　and　when　towards　morning　I



threw　myself　exhausted　on　my　bed；　I　seemed　to　feel　my　earlier



life；　so　smiling　and　so　full；　go　out　like　a　fire；　and　before　me



another　life　opened；　sombre　and　unpeopled；　where　in　future　I　must



live　alone；　alone　with　my　fatal　thought　which　had　exiled　me



thither；　and　which　I　was　tempted　to　curse。　　The　days　which



followed　this　discovery　were　the　saddest　of　my　life。〃＇93＇











＇93＇　Th。　Jouffroy：　　Nouveaux　Melanges　philosophiques；　2me



edition；　p。　83。　　I　add　two　other　cases　of　counter…conversion



dating　from　a　certain　moment。　　The　first　is　from　Professor



Starbuck's　manuscript　collection；　and　the　narrator　is　a　woman。







〃Away　down　in　the　bottom　of　my　heart；　I　believe　I　was　always　more



or　less　skeptical　about　'God；'　skepticism　grew　as　an



undercurrent；　all　through　my　early　youth；　but　it　was　controlled



and　covered　by　the　emotional　elements　in　my　religious　growth。　



When　I　was　sixteen　I　joined　the　church　and　was　asked　if　I　loved



God。　　I　replied　'Yes；'　as　was　customary　and　expected。　　But



instantly　with　a　flash　something　spoke　within　me；　'No；　you　do



not。'　　I　was　haunted　for　a　long　time　with　shame　and　remorse　for



my　falsehood　and　for　my　wickedness　in　not　loving　God；　mingled



with　fear　that　there　might　be　an　avenging　God　who　would　punish　me



in　some　terrible　way。　。　。　。　At　nineteen；　I　had　an　attack　of



tonsilitis。　　Before　I　had　quite　recovered；　I　heard　told　a　story



of　a　brute　who　had　kicked　his　wife　down…stairs；　and　then



continued　the　operation　until　she　became　insensible。　　I　felt　the



horror　of　the　thing　keenly。　　Instantly　this　thought　flashed



through　my　mind：　　'I　have　no　use　for　a　God　who　permits　such



things。'　　This　experience　was　followed　by　months　of　stoical



indifference　to　the　God　of　my　previous　life；　mingled　with



feelings　of　positive　dislike　and　a　somewhat　proud　defiance　of



him。　　I　still　thought　there　might　be　a　God。　　If　so　he　would



probably　damn　me；　but　I　should　have　to　stand　it。　　I　felt　very



little　fear　and　no　desire　to　propitiate　him。　　I　have　never　had



any　personal　relations　with　him　since　this　painful　experience。〃







The　second　case　exemplifies　how　small　an　additional　stimulus　will



overthrow　the　mind　into　a　new　state　of　equilibrium　when　the



process　of　preparation　and　incubation　has　proceeded　far　enough。　



It　is　like　the　proverbial　last　straw　added　to　the　camel's　burden；



or　that　touch　of　a　needle　which　makes　the　salt　in　a



supersaturated　fluid　suddenly　begin　to　crystallize　out。







Tolstoy　writes：　　〃S。