sense and sensibility(理智与情感)-第92节
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the daughter’s wishes and the mother’s confidence； and Marianne；
leaning on Elinor’s arm； was authorised to walk as long as she
could without fatigue； in the lane before the house。
The sisters set out at a pace； slow as the feebleness of Marianne
in an exercise hitherto untried since her illness required；—and
they had advanced only so far beyond the house as to admit a full
view of the hill； the important hill behind； when pausing with her
eyes turned towards it； Marianne calmly said；
“There； exactly there；”—pointing with one hand； “on that
projecting mound；—there I fell； and there I first saw Willoughby。”
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Her voice sunk with the word； but presently reviving she added；
“I am thankful to find that I can look with so little pain on the
spot！—shall we ever talk on that subject； Elinor？”—hesitatingly it
was said。—“Or will it be wrong？—I can talk of it now； I hope； as I
ought to do。”—
Elinor tenderly invited her to be open。
“As for regret；” said Marianne； “I have done with that； as far as
he is concerned。 I do not mean to talk to you of what my feelings
have been for him； but what they are now。—At present； if I could
be satisfied on one point； if I could be allowed to think that he was
not always acting a part； not always deceiving me；—but above all；
if I could be assured that he never was so very wicked as my fears
have sometimes fancied him； since the story of that unfortunate
girl”—
She stopt。 Elinor joyfully treasured her words as she answered；
“If you could be assured of that； you think you should be easy。”
“Yes。 My peace of mind is doubly involved in it；—for not only is
it horrible to suspect a person； who has been what he has been to
me； of such designs；—but what must it make me appear to
myself？—What in a situation like mine； but a most shamefully
unguarded affection could expose me to”—
“How then；” asked her sister； “would you account for his
behaviour？”
“I would suppose him；—Oh！ how gladly would I suppose him；
only fickle； very； very fickle。”
Elinor said no more。 She was debating within herself on the
eligibility of beginning her story directly； or postponing it till
Marianne were in stronger health；—and they crept on for a few
minutes in silence。
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“I am not wishing him too much good；” said Marianne at last
with a sigh； “when I wish his secret reflections may be no more
unpleasant than my own。 He will suffer enough in them。”
“Do you compare your conduct with his？”
“No。 I compare it with what it ought to have been； I compare it
with yours。”
“Our situations have borne little resemblance。”
“They have borne more than our conduct。—Do not； my dearest
Elinor； let your kindness defend what I know your judgment must
censure。 My illness has made me think—It has given me leisure
and calmness for serious recollection。 Long before I was enough
recovered to talk； I was perfectly able to reflect。 I considered the
past； I saw in my own behaviour； since the beginning of our
acquaintance with him last autumn； nothing but a series of
imprudence towards myself； and want of kindness to others。 I saw
that my own feelings had prepared my sufferings； and that my
want of fortitude under them had almost led me to the grave。 My
illness； I well knew； had been entirely brought on by myself by
such negligence of my own health； as I had felt even at the time to
be wrong。 Had I died；—it would have been self…destruction。 I did
not know my danger till the danger was removed； but with such
feelings as these reflections gave me； I wonder at my recovery；—
wonder that the very eagerness of my desire to live； to have time
for atonement to my God； and to you all； did not kill me at once。
Had I died；—in what peculiar misery should I have left you； my
nurse； my friend； my sister！—You； who had seen all the fretful
selfishness of my latter days； who had known all the murmurings
of my heart！—How should I have lived in your remembrance！—My
mother too！ How could you have consoled her！—I cannot express
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my own abhorrence of myself。 Whenever I looked towards the
past； I saw some duty neglected； or some failing indulged。 Every
body seemed injured by me。 The kindness； the unceasing kindness
of Mrs。 Jennings； I had repaid with ungrateful contempt。 To the
Middletons； to the Palmers； the Steeles； to every common
acquaintance even； I had been insolent and unjust； with a heart
hardened against their merits； and a temper irritated by their very
attention。—To John； to Fanny；—yes； even to them； little as they
deserve； I had given less than their due。 But you；—you above all；
above my mother； had been wronged by me。 I； and only I； knew
your heart and its sorrows； yet to what did it influence me？—not
to any compassion that could benefit you or myself。—Your
example was before me； but to what avail？—Was I more
considerate of you and your comfort？ Did I imitate your
forbearance； or lessen your restraints； by taking any part in those
offices of general complaisance or particular gratitude which you
had hitherto been left to discharge alone？—No；—not less when I
knew you to be unhappy； than when I had believed you at ease；
did I turn away from every exertion of duty or friendship； scarcely
allowing sorrow to exist but with me； regretting only that heart
which had deserted and wronged me； and leaving you； for whom I
professed an unbounded affection； to be miserable for my sake。”
Here ceased the rapid flow of her self…reproving spirit； and
Elinor； impatient to soothe； though too honest to flatter； gave her
instantly that praise and support which her frankness and her
contrition so well deserved。 Marianne pressed her hand and
replied；
“You are very good。—The future must be my proof。 I have laid
down my plan； and if I am capable of adhering to it—my feelings
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shall be governed and my temper improved。 They shall no longer
worry others； nor torture myself。 I shall now live solely for my
family。 You； my mother； and Margaret； must henceforth be all the
world to me； you will share my affections entirely between you。
From you； from my home； I shall never again have the smallest
incitement to move； and if I do mix in other society； it will be only
to shew that my spirit is humbled； my heart amended； and that I
can practise the civilities； the lesser duties of life； with gentleness
and forbearance。 As for Willoughby—to say that I shall soon or
that I shall ever forget him； would be idle。 His remembrance can
be overcome by no change of circumstances or opinions。 But it
shall be regulated； it shall be checked by religion； by reason； by
constant employment。”
She paused—and added in a low voice； “If I could but know his
heart； everything would become easy。”
Elinor； who had now been for some time reflecting on the
propriety or impropriety of speedily hazarding her narration；
without feeling at all nearer decision than at first； heard this； and
perceiving that as reflection did nothing； resolution must do all；
soon found herself leading to the fac
