the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第6节

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But　Mr。　G。　succeeded；　and　became　great。　　He　was　slewd　by　Col。
Richmond；　but　he　lives　in　histry；　and　his　equestrian　figger　may
be　seen　daily　for　a　sixpence；　in　conjunction　with　other　em'nent
persons；　and　no　extra　charge　for　the　Warder's　able　and　bootiful
lectur。

There's　one　king　in　the　room　who　is　mounted　onto　a　foamin　steed；
his　right　hand　graspin　a　barber's　pole。　　I　didn't　learn　his　name。

The　room　where　the　daggers　and　pistils　and　other　weppins　is　kept
is　interestin。　　Among　this　collection　of　choice　cutlery　I　notist
the　bow　and　arrer　which　those　hot…heded　old　chaps　used　to　conduct
battles　with。　　It　is　quite　like　the　bow　and　arrer　used　at　this
day　by　certin　tribes　of　American　Injuns；　and　they　shoot　'em　off
with　such　a　excellent　precision　that　I　almost　sigh'd　to　be　a
Injun；　when　I　was　in　the　Rocky　Mountain　regin。　　They　are　a
pleasant　lot　them　Injuns。　　Mr。　Cooper　and　Dr。　Catlin　have　told　us
of　the　red　man's　wonerful　eloquence；　and　I　found　it　so。　　Our
party　was　stopt　on　the　plains　of　Utah　by　a　band　of　Shoshones；
whose　chief　said：

　〃Brothers！　the　pale…face　is　welcome。　　Brothers！　the　sun　is
sinkin　in　the　West；　and　Wa…na…bucky…she　will　soon　cease　speakin。
Brothers！　the　poor　red　man　belongs　to　a　race　which　is　fast
becomin　extink。〃

He　then　whooped　in　a　shrill　manner；　stole　all　our　blankets　and
whisky；　and　fled　to　the　primeval　forest　to　conceal　his　emotions。

I　will　remark　here；　while　on　the　subjeck　of　Injuns；　that　they　are
in　the　main　a　very　shaky　set；　with　even　less　sense　than　the
Fenians；　and　when　I　hear　philanthropists　bewailin　the　fack　that
every　year　〃carries　the　noble　red　man　nearer　the　settin　sun；〃　I
simply　have　to　say　I'm　glad　of　it；　tho'　it　is　rough　on　the　settin
sun。　　They　call　you　by　the　sweet　name　of　Brother　one　minit；　and
the　next　they　scalp　you　with　their　Thomashawks。　　But　I　wander。
Let　us　return　to　the　Tower。

At　one　end　of　the　room　where　the　weppins　is　kept；　is　a　wax　figger
of　Queen　Elizabeth；　mounted　on　a　fiery　stuffed　hoss；　whose　glass
eye　flashes　with　pride；　and　whose　red　morocker　nostril　dilates
hawtily；　as　if　conscious　of　the　royal　burden　he　bears。　　I　have
associated　Elizabeth　with　the　Spanish　Armady。　　She's　mixed　up
with　it　at　the　Surry　Theatre；　where　〃Troo　to　the　Core〃　is　bein
acted；　and　in　which　a　full　bally　core　is　introjooced　on　board　the
Spanish　Admiral's　ship；　givin　the　audiens　the　idee　that　he
intends　openin　a　moosic…hall　in　Plymouth　the　moment　he　conkers
that　town。　　But　a　very　interesting　drammer　is　〃Troo　to　the　Core；〃
notwithstandin　the　eccentric　conduck　of　the　Spanish　Admiral；　and
very　nice　it　is　in　Queen　Elizabeth　to　make　Martin　Truegold　a
baronet。

The　Warder　shows　us　some　instrooments　of　tortur；　such　as
thumbscrews；　throat…collars；　etc。；　statin　that　these　was　conkerd
from　the　Spanish　Armady；　and　addin　what　a　crooil　peple　the
Spaniards　was　in　them　dayswhich　elissited　from　a　bright　eyed
little　girl　of　about　twelve　summers　the　remark　that　she　tho't　it
WAS　rich　to　talk　about　the　crooilty　of　the　Spaniards　usin
thumbscrews；　when　we　was　in　a　Tower　where　so　many　poor　pepl's
heads　had　been　cut　off。　　This　made　the　Warder　stammer　and　turn
red。

I　was　so　blessed　with　the　little　girl's　brightness　that　I　could
have　kissed　the　dear　child；　and　I　would　if　she'd　been　six　years
older。

I　think　my　companions　intended　makin　a　day　of　it；　for　they　all
had　sandwiches；　sassiges；　etc。　　The　sad…lookin　man；　who　had
wanted　us　to　drop　a　tear　afore　we　started　to　go　round；　fling'd
such　quantities　of　sassige　into　his　mouth；　that　I　expected　to　see
him　choke　hisself　to　death。　　He　said　to　me；　in　the　Beauchamp
Tower；　where　the　poor　prisoners　writ　their　onhappy　names　on　the
cold　walls；　〃This　is　a　sad　sight。〃

〃It　is；　indeed；〃　I　anserd。　　〃You're　black　in　the　face。　　You
shouldn't　eat　sassige　in　public　without　some　rehearsals
beforehand。　　You　manage　it　orkwardly。〃

〃No；〃　he　said；　〃I　mean　this　sad　room。〃

Indeed；　he　was　quite　right。　　Tho'　so　long　ago　all　these　drefful
things　happened；　I　was　very　glad　to　git　away　from　this　gloomy
room；　and　go　where　the　rich　and　sparklin　Crown　Jewils　is　kept。　　I
was　so　pleased　with　the　Queen's　Crown；　that　it　occurd　to　me　what
a　agree'ble　surprise　it　would　be　to　send　a　sim'lar　one　home　to　my
wife；　and　I　asked　the　Warder　what　was　the　vally　of　a　good；
well…constructed　Crown　like　that。　　He　told　me；　but　on　cypherin　up
with　a　pencil　the　amount　of　funs　I　have　in　the　Jint　Stock　Bank；　I
conclooded　I'd　send　her　a　genteel　silver　watch　instid。

And　so　I　left　the　Tower。　　It　is　a　solid　and　commandin　edifis；　but
I　deny　that　it　is　cheerful。　　I　bid　it　adoo　without　a　pang。

I　was　droven　to　my　hotel　by　the　most　melancholly　driver　of　a
four…wheeler　that　I　ever　saw。　　He　heaved　a　deep　sigh　as　I　gave
him　two　shillings。

〃I'll　give　you　six　d。's　more；〃　I　said；　〃if　it　hurts　you　so。〃

〃It　isn't　that；〃　he　said；　with　a　hart…rendin　groan；　〃it's　only　a
way　I　have。　　My　mind's　upset　to…day。　　I　at　one　time　tho't　I'd
drive　you　into　the　Thames。　　I've　been　readin　in　all　the　daily
papers　to　try　and　understand　about　Governor　Ayre；　and　my　mind　is
totterin。　　It's　really　wonderful　I　didn't　drive　you　into　the
Thames。〃

I　asked　the　onhappy　man　what　his　number　was；　so　I　could　redily
find　him　in　case　I　should　want　him　agin；　and　bad　him　good…bye。
And　then　I　tho't　what　a　frollicksome　day　I'd　made　of　it。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Respectably；　&c。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。7。　　SCIENCE　AND　NATURAL　HISTORY。

MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；I　was　a　little　disapinted　in　not
receivin　a　invitation　to　jine　in　the　meetins　of　the　Social
Science　Congress。

I　don't　exackly　see　how　they　go　on　without　me。

I　hope　it　wasn't　the　intentions　of　the　Sciencers　to　exclood　me
from　their　deliberations。

Let　it　pars。　　I　do　not　repine。　　Let　us　remember　Homer。　　Twenty
cities　claim　Homer　dead；　thro'　which　the　livin　Mr。　Homer　couldn't
have　got　trusted　for　a　sandwich　and　a　glass　of　bitter　beer；　or
words　to　that　effect。

But　perhaps　it　was　a　oversight。　　Certinly　I　have　been　hospitably
rec'd　in　this　country。　　Hospitality　has　been　pored　all　over　me。
At　Liverpool　I　was　asked　to　walk　all　over　the　docks；　which　are
nine　miles　along；　and　I　don't　remember　a　instance　since　my　'rival
in　London　of　my　gettin　into　a　cab　without　a　Briton　comin　and
perlitly　shuttin　the　door　for　me；　and　then　extendin　his　open　hand
to'ards　me；　in　the　most　frenly　manner　possible。　　Does　he　not；　by
this　simple　yit　tuchin　gesture；　welcum　me　to　England？　　Doesn't
he？　　Oh　yesI　guess　he　doesn't　he。　　And　it's　quite　right　among
two　great　countries　which　speak　the　same　langwidge；　except　as
regards　H's。　　And　I've　been　allowed　to　walk　round　all　the
streets。　　Even　at　Buckinham　Pallis；　I　told　a　guard　I　wanted　to
walk　round　there；　and　he　said　I　could　walk　round　there。　　I
ascertained　subsequent　that　he　referd　to　the　sidewalk　instid　of
the　Pallisbut　I　couldn't　doubt　his　hospital　feelins。

I　prepared　a　Essy　on　Animals　to　read　before　the　Social　Science
meetins。　　It　is　a　subjeck　I　may　troothfully　say　I　have
successfully　wrastled　with。　　I　tackled　it　when　only　nineteen
years　old。　　At　that　tender　age　I　writ　a　Essy　for　a　lit'ry
Institoot　entitled；　〃Is　Cats　to　be　Trusted？〃　　Of　the　merits　of
that　Essy　it　doesn't　becum　me　to　speak；　but　I　may　be　excoos'd　for
mentionin　that　the　Institoot　parsed　a　resolution　that　〃whether　we
look　upon　the　length　of　this　Essy；　or　the　manner　in　which　it　is
written；　we　feel　that　we　will　not　express　any　opinion　of　it；　and
we　hope　it　will　be　read　in　other　towns。〃

Of　course　the　Essy　I　writ　for　the　Social　Science　Society　is　a
more　finisheder　production　than　the　one　on　Cats；　which　was　wroten
when　my　mind　was　crood；　and　afore　I　had　masterd　a　graceful　and
ellygant　stile　of　composition。　　I　could　not　even　punctooate　my
sentences　proper　at　that　time；　and　I　observe　with　pane；　on　lookin
over　this　effort　of　my　yooth；　that　its　beauty　is　in　one　or　two
instances　mar'd　by　ingrammaticisms。　　This　was　unexcusable；　and
I'm　surprised　I　did　it。　　A　writer　who　can't　write　in　a　grammerly
manner　better　shut　up　shop。

You　shall　hear　this　Essy　on　Animals。　　Some　day　when　you　have　four
hours　to　spare；　I'll　read　it　to　you。　　I　think　you'll　enjoy　it。
Or；　what　will　be　much　better；　if　I　may　suggestomit　all　picturs
in　next　week's　〃Punch；〃　and　do　not　let　your　contributors　write
enything　whatever　（let　them　have　a　holiday；　they　can　go　to　the
British　Mooseum；）　and　publish　my　Essy　intire。　　It　will　fill　all
your　collumes　full；　and　create　comment。　　Does　this　proposition
strike　you？　　Is　it　a　go？〃

In　case　I　had　read　the　Essy　to　the　Social　Sciencers；　I　had
intended　it　should　be　the　closin　attraction。　　I　had　intended　it
should　finish　the　proceedins。　　I　think　it　would　have　finished
them。　　I　understand　animals　better　than　any　other　class　of　human
creatures。　　I　have　a　very　animal　mind；　and　I've　been　identified
with　'em　doorin　my　entire　professional　career　as　a　showman；　more
especial　bears；　wolves；　leopards　and　serpunts。

The　leopard　is　as　lively　a　animal　as　I　ever　came　into　contack
with。　　It　is　troo　he　cannot　change　his　spots；　but　you　can　change
'em　for　him　with　a　paint…brush；　as　I　once　did　in　the　case　of　a
leopard　who　wasn't　nat'rally　spotted　in　a　attractive　m