the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第5节

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clever　fam'ly　I　come　of；　and　looking　at　the　gay　shop…winders。
I've　got　some　new　close　since　you　last　saw　me。　　I　saw　them　others
wouldn't　do。　　They　carrid　the　observer　too　far　back　into　the　dim
vister　of　the　past；　and　I　gave　'em　to　a　Orfun　Asylum。　　The　close
I　wear　now　I　bo't　of　Mr。　Moses；　in　the　Commercial　Road。　　They　was
expressly　made；　Mr。　Moses　inforemd　me；　for　a　nobleman；　but　as
they　fitted　him　too　muchly；　partic'ly　the　trows'rs　（which　is
blue；　with　large　red　and　white　checks）　he　had　said：

〃My　dear　feller；　make　me　some　more；　only　mindbe　sure　you　sell
these　to　some　genteel　old　feller。〃

I　like　to　saunter　thro'　Regent　Street。　　The　shops　are　pretty；　and
it　does　the　old　man's　hart　good　to　see　the　troops　of　fine　healthy
girls　which　one　may　always　see　there　at　certain　hours　in　the
afternoon；　who　don't　spile　their　beauty　by　devourin　cakes　and
sugar　things；　as　too　many　of　the　American　and　French　lasses　do。
It's　a　mistake　about　everybody　being　out　of　town；　I　guess。
Regent　Street　is　full。　　I'm　here；　and　as　I　said　before；　I　come　of
a　very　clever　fam'ly。

As　I　was　walkin　along；　amoosin　myself　by　stickin　my　penknife　into
the　calves　of　the　footmen　who　stood　waitin　by　the　swell…coaches
（not　one　of　whom　howled　with　angwish）；　I　was　accosted　by　a　man　of
about　thirty…five　summers；　who　said；　〃I　have　seen　that　face
somewheres　afore！〃

He　was　a　little　shabby　in　his　wearin　apparil。　　His　coat　was　one
of　those　black；　shiny　garments；　which　you　can　always　tell　have
been　burnished　by　adversity；　but　he　was　very　gentlemanly。

〃Was　it　in　the　Crimea；　comrade？　　Yes；　it　was。　　It　was　at　the
stormin　of　Sebastopol；　where　I　had　a　narrow　escape　from　death；
that　we　met。〃

I　said；　〃No；　I　wasn't　at　Sebastopol；　I　escaped　a　fatal　wound　by
not　bein　there。　　It　was　a　healthy　old　fortress；〃　I　added。

〃It　was。　　But　it　fell。　　It　came　down　with　a　crash。〃

〃And　plucky　boys　they　was　who　brought　her　down；〃　I　added；　〃and
hurrah　for　'em！〃

The　man　graspt　me　warmly　by　the　hand；　and　said　he　had　been　in
America；　Upper　Canada；　Africa；　Asia　Minor；　and　other　towns；　and
he'd　never　met　a　man　he　liked　as　much　as　he　did　me。

〃Let　us；〃　he　added；　〃let　us　to　the　shrine　of　Bachus！〃

And　he　dragged　me　into　a　public　house。　　I　was　determined　to　pay；
so　I　said；　〃Mr。　Bachus；　giv　this　gen'l'man　what　he　calls　for。〃

We　conversed　there　in　a　very　pleasant　manner　till　my　dinner…time
arrove；　when　the　agreeable　gentleman　insisted　that　I　should　dine
with　him。　　〃We'll　have　a　banquet；　Sir；　fit　for　the　gods！〃

I　told　him　good　plain　vittles　would　soot　me。　　If　the　gods　wanted
to　have　the　dispepsy；　they　was　welcome　to　it。

We　had　soop　and　fish；　and　a　hot　jint；　and　growsis；　and　wines　of
rare　and　costly　vintige。　　We　had　ices；　and　we　had　froots　from
Greenland's　icy　mountins　and　Injy's　coral　strands；　and　when　the
sumptoous　reparst　was　over；　the　agree'ble　man　said　he'd
unfortnitly　left　his　pocket…book　at　home　on　the　marble　centre…
table。

〃But；　by　Jove！〃　he　said；　〃it　was　a　feast　fit　for　the　gods！〃

I　said；　〃Oh；　never　mind；〃　and　drew　out　my　puss；　tho'　I　in'ardly
wished　the　gods；　as　the　dinner　was　fit　for　'em；　was　there　to　pay
for　it。

I　come　of　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

The　agree'ble　gentleman　then　said；　〃Now；　I　will　show　you　our
Club。　　It　dates　back　to　the　time　of　William　the　Conquerer。〃

〃Did　Bill　belong　to　it？〃　I　inquired。

〃He　did。〃

〃Wall；〃　I　said；　〃if　Billy　was　one　of　'em；　I　need　no　other
endorsement　as　to　its　respectfulness；　and　I'll　go　with　you；　my
gay　trooper　boy！〃　　And　we　went　off　arm…in…arm。

On　the　way　the　agree'ble　man　told　me　that　the　Club　was　called　the
Sloshers。　　He　said　I　would　notice　that　none　of　'em　appeared　in
evenin　dress。　　He　said　it　was　agin　the　rools　of　the　club。　　In
fack；　if　any　member　appeared　there　in　evenin　dress　he'd　be
instantly　expeld。　　〃And　yit；〃　he　added；　〃there's　geneyus　there；
and　lorfty　emotions；　and　intelleck。　　You'll　be　surprised　at　the
quantities　of　intelleck　you'll　see　there。〃

We　reached　the　Sloshers　in　due　time；　and　I　must　say　they　was　a
shaky…looking　lot；　and　the　public　house　where　they　convened　was
certingly　none　of　the　best。

The　Sloshers　crowded　round　me；　and　said　I　was　welcome。

〃What　a　beautiful　brest…pin　you've　got；〃　said　one　of　'em。
〃Permit　me；〃　and　he　took　it　out　of　my　neckercher。　　〃Isn't　it
luvly；〃　he　said；　parsin　it　to　another；　who　parsed　it　to　another。

It　was　given　me　by　my　Aunt；　on　my　promisin　her　I'd　never　swear
profanely；　and　I　never　have；　except　on　very　special　occasions。　　I
see　that　beautiful　boosum　pin　a　parsin　from　one　Slosher　to
another；　and　I'm　reminded　of　them　sad　words　of　the　poit；　〃parsin
away！　parsin　away！〃　　I　never　saw　it　no　more。

Then　in　comes　a　athletic　female；　who　no　sooner　sees　me　than　she
utters　a　wild　yell；　and　cries：

〃At　larst！　at　larst！　　My　Wilyim；　from　the　seas！〃

I　said；　〃not　at　all；　Marm。　　Not　on　no　account。　　I　have　heard　the
boatswain　pipe　to　quartersbut　a　voice　in　my　heart　didn't
whisper　Seu…zan！　　I've　belayed　the　marlin…spikes　on　the　upper
jibpoop；　but　Seu…zan's　eye　wasn't　on　me；　much。　　Young　woman；　I
am　not　you're　Saler　boy。　　Far　different。〃

〃Oh　yes；　you　are！〃　she　howled；　seizin　me　round　the　neck。　　〃Oh；
how　I've　lookt　forwards　to　this　meetin！〃

〃And　you'll　presently；〃　I　said；　〃have　a　opportunity　of　lookin
backwards　to　it；　because　I'm　on　the　point　of　leavin　this
institution。〃

I　will　here　observe　that　I　come　of　a　very　clever　family。　　A　very
clever　fam'ly；　indeed。

〃Where；〃　I　cried；　as　I　struggled　in　vain　to　release　myself　from
the　eccentric　female's　claws；　〃where　is　the　Captingthe　man　who
was　into　the　Crimea；　amidst　the　cannon's　thunder？　　I　want　him。〃

He　came　forward；　and　cried；　〃What　do　I　see？　　Me　Sister！　me　sweet
Adulaide！　and　in　teers！　　Willin！〃　he　screamed；　〃and　you're　the
serpent　I　took　to　my　boosum；　and　borrowed　money　of；　and　went
round　with；　and　was　cheerful　with；　are　you？You　ought　to　be
ashamed　of　yourself。〃

Somehow　my　coat　was　jerked　off；　the　brest…pocket　of　which
contained　my　pocket…book；　and　it　parsed　away　like　the　brest　pin。
Then　they　sorter　quietly　hustled　me　into　the　street。

It　was　about　12　at　night　when　I　reached　the　Green　Lion。

〃Ha！　ha！　you　sly　old　rascal；　you've　been　up　to　larks！〃　said　the
lan'lord；　larfin　loudly；　and　digging　his　fist　into　my　ribs。

I　said；　〃Bigsby；　if　you　do　that　agin；　I　shall　hit　you！　　Much　as　I
respect　you　and　your　excellent　faml'y；　I　shall　disfiger　your
beneverlent　countenance　for　life！〃

〃What　has　ruffled　your　spirits；　friend？〃　said　the　lan'lord。

〃My　spirits　has　been　ruffled；〃　I　ansered　in　a　bittur　voice；　〃by　a
viper　who　was　into　the　Crimea。　　What　good　was　it；〃　I　cried；　〃for
Sebastopol　to　fall　down　without　enwelopin　in　its　ruins　that
viper？〃

I　then　went　to　bed。　　I　come　of　a　very　clever　fam'ly。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。6。　　THE　TOWER　OF　LONDON。

MR。　PUNCH；　My　dear　Sir；I　skurcely　need　inform　you　that　your
excellent　Tower　is　very　pop'lar　with　peple　from　the　agricultooral
districks；　and　it　was　chiefly　them　class　which　I　found　waitin　at
the　gates　the　other　mornin。

I　saw　at　once　that　the　Tower　was　established　on　a　firm　basis。　　In
the　entire　history　of　firm　basisis　I　don't　find　a　basis　more
firmer　than　this　one。

〃You　have　no　Tower　in　America？〃　said　a　man　in　the　crowd；　who　had
somehow　detected　my　denomination。

〃Alars！　no；〃　I　ansered；　〃we　boste　of　our　enterprise　and
improvements；　and　yit　we　are　devoid　of　a　Tower。　　America；　oh　my
onhappy　country！　thou　hast　not　got　no　Tower！　　It's　a　sweet　Boon。〃

The　gates　was　opened　after　awhile；　and　we　all　purchist　tickets
and　went　into　a　waitin…room。

〃My　frens；〃　said　a　pale…faced　little　man；　in　black　close；　〃this
is　a　sad　day。〃

〃Inasmuch　as　to　how？〃　I　said。

〃I　mean　it　is　sad　to　think　that　so　many　peple　have　been　killed
within　these　gloomy　walls。　　My　frens；　let　us　drop　a　tear！〃

〃No；〃　I　said；　〃you　must　excuse　me。　　Others　may　drop　one　if　they
feel　like　it；　but　as　for　me；　I　decline。　　The　early　managers　of
this　institootion　were　a　bad　lot；　and　their　crimes　were　trooly
orful；　but　I　can't　sob　for　those　who　died　four　or　five　hundred
years　ago。　　If　they　was　my　own　relations　I　couldn't。　　It's　absurd
to　shed　sobs　over　things　which　occurd　during　the　rain　of　Henry
the　Three。　　Let　us　be　cheerful；〃　I　continnerd　〃Look　at　the　festiv
Warders；　in　their　red　flannil　jackets。　　They　are　cheerful；　and
why　should　it　not　be　thusly　with　us？〃

A　Warder　now　took　us　in　charge；　and　showed　us　the　Trater's　Gate；
the　armers；　and　things。　　The　Trater's　Gate　is　wide　enuff　to　admit
about　twenty　trater's　abrest；　I　should　jedge；　but　beyond　this；　I
couldn't　see　that　it　was　superior　to　gates　in　gen'ral。

Traters；　I　will　here　remark；　are　a　onfortnit　class　of　peple。　　If
they　wasn't；　they　wouldn't　be　traters。　　They　conspire　to　bust　up
a　countrythey　fail；　and　they're　traters。　　They　bust　her；　and
they　become　statesmen　and　heroes。

Take　the　case　of　Gloster；　afterwards　Old　Dick　the　Three；　who　may
be　seen　at　the　Tower；　on　horseback；　in　a　heavy　tin　overcoattake
Mr。　Gloster's　case。　Mr。　G。　was　a　conspirater　of　the　basist　dye；
and　if　he'd　failed；　he　would　have　been　hung　on　a　sour　apple　tree。
But　Mr。　G。　succeeded；　and　became　great。　　He　was　slewd　by　Col。
Richmond；　but