the complete works of artemus ward, part 5-第1节

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The　Complete　Works　of　Artemus　Ward；　Part　5

by　Charles　Farrar　Browne



With　a　biographical　sketch　by　Melville　D。　Landon；　〃Eli　Perkins〃




PART　V。

The　London　Punch　Letters。

5。1。　　Arrival　in　London。

5。2。　　Personal　Recollections。

5。3。　　The　Green　Lion　and　Oliver　Cromwell。

5。4。　　At　the　Tomb　of　Shakespeare。

5。5。　　Introduction　to　the　Club。

5。6。　　The　Tower　of　London。

5。7。　　Science　and　Natural　History。

5。8。　　A　Visit　to　the　British　Museum。





PART　V。　　THE　LONDON　PUNCH　LETTERS。

P。S。June　16th。Artemus　Ward　really　arrived　in　London　yesterday。
He　has　come　to　England　at　last；　though；　like　〃La　Belle　Helene　at
the　Adelphi　Theatre；　he　〃has　been　some　time　in　preparation。〃

JOHN　CAMDEN　HOTTEN；　Piccadilly；　W。　　Jan。　30；　1865。

5。1。　　ARRIVAL　IN　LONDON。

MR。　PUNCH：　　My　dear　Sir；You　prob'ly　didn't　meet　my　uncle　Wilyim
when　he　was　on　these　shores。　　I　jedge　so　from　the　fack　that　his
pursoots　wasn't　litrary。　　Commerce；　which　it　has　been　trooly
observed　by　a　statesman；　or　somebody；　is　the　foundation　stone
onto　which　a　nation's　greatness　rests；　glorious　Commerce　was
Uncle　Wilyim's　fort。　　He　sold　soap。　　It　smelt　pretty；　and　redily
commanded　two　pents　a　cake。　　I'm　the　only　litrary　man　in　our
fam'ly。　　It　is　troo；　I　once　had　a　dear　cuzzun　who　wrote　22　verses
onto　〃A　Child　who　nearly　Died　of　the　Measles；　O！〃　but　as　he
injoodiciously　introjudiced　a　chorious　at　the　end　of　each　stansy；
the　parrents　didn't　like　it　at　all。　　The　father　in　particler　wept
afresh；　assaulted　my　cuzzun；　and　said　he　never　felt　so　ridicklus
in　his　intire　life。　　The　onhappy　result　was　that　my　cuzzun
abandined　poetry　forever；　and　went　back　to　shoemakin；　a　shattered
man。

My　Uncle　Wilyim　disposed　of　his　soap；　and　returned　to　his　nativ
land　with　a　very　exolted　opinyon　of　the　British　public。　　〃It　is　a
edycated　community；〃　said　he；　〃they're　a　intellectooal　peple。　　In
one　small　village　alone　I　sold　50　cakes　of　soap；　incloodin
barronial　halls；　where　they　offered　me　a　ducal　coronet；　but　I
said　nogive　it　to　the　poor。〃　　This　was　the　way　Uncle　Wilyim
went　on。　　He　told　us；　however；　some　stories　that　was　rather　too
much　to　be　easily　swallerd。　　In　fack；　my　Uncle　Wilyim　was　not　a
emblem　of　trooth。　　He　retired　some　years　ago　on　a　hansum
comptency　derived　from　the　insurance…money　he　received　on　a
rather　shaky　skooner　he　owned；　and　which　turned　up　while　lyin　at
a　wharf　one　night；　the　cargo　havin　fortnitly　been　removed　the　day
afore　the　disastriss　calamty　occurd。　　Uncle　Wilyim　said　it　was
one　of　the　most　sing'ler　things　he　ever　heard　of；　and；　after
collectin　the　insurance　money；　he　bust　into　a　flood　of　tears；　and
retired　to　his　farm　in　Pennsylvany。　　He　was　my　uncle　by　marriage
only。　　I　do　not　say　that　he　wasn't　a　honest　man。　　I　simply　say
that　if　you　have　a　uncle；　and　bitter　experunce　tells　you　it　is
more　profitable　in　a　pecoonery　pint　of　view　to　put　pewter　spoons
instid　of　silver　ones　onto　the　table　when　that　uncle　dines　with
you　in　a　frenly　wayI　simply　say；　there　is　sumthun　wrong　in　our
social　sistim；　which　calls　loudly　for　reform。

I　'rived　on　these　shores　at　Liverpool；　and　proceeded　at　once　to
London。　　I　stopt　at　the　Washington　Hotel　in　Liverpool；　because　it
was　named　after　a　countryman　of　mine　who　didn't　get　his　living　by
makin'　mistakes；　and　whose　mem'ry　is　dear　to　civilized　peple　all
over　the　world；　because　he　was　gentle　and　good　as　well　as　trooly
great。　　We　read　in　Histry　of　any　number　of　great　individooals；
but　how　few　of　'em；　alars！　should　we　want　to　take　home　to　supper
with　us！　　Among　others；　I　would　call　your　attention　to　Alexander
the　Great；　who　conkerd　the　world；　and　wept　because　he　couldn't　do
it　sum　more；　and　then　took　to　gin…and…seltzer；　gettin'　tight
every　day　afore　dinner　with　the　most　disgustin'　reg'larity；
causin'　his　parunts　to　regret　they　hadn't　'prenticed　him　in　his
early　youth　to　a　biskit…baker；　or　some　other　occupation　of　a
peaceful　and　quiet　character。　　I　say；　therefore；　to　the　great　men
now　livin；　（you　could　put　'em　all　into　Hyde　Park；　by　the　way；　and
still　leave　room　for　a　large　and　respectable　concourse　of
rioters）be　good。　　I　say　to　that　gifted　but　bald…heded　Prooshun；
Bismarck；　be　good　and　gentle　in　your　hour　of　triump。　　_I_　always
am。　　I　admit　that　our　lines　is　different；　Bismarck's　and　mine；
but　the　same　glo'rus　principle　is　involved；　I　am　a　exhibiter　of
startlin'　curiositys；　wax　works；　snaix；　etsetry　（〃either　of
whom；〃　as　a　American　statesman　whose　name　I　ain't　at　liberty　to
mention　for　perlitical　resins；　as　he　expecks　to　be　a　candidate
for　a　prom'nent　offiss；　and　hence　doesn't　wish　to　excite　the　rage
and　jelisy　of　other　showmen〃either　of　whom　is　wuth　dubble　the
price　of　admission〃）；　I　say　I　am　an　exhibiter　of　startlin
curiositys；　and　I　also　have　my　hours　of　triump；　but　I　try　to　be
good　in　'em。　　If　you　say；　〃Ah；　yes；　but　also　your　hours　of　grief
and　misfortin；〃　I　answer；　it　is　troo；　and　you　prob'ly　refer　to
the　circumstans　of　my　hirin'　a　young　man　of　dissypated　habits　to
fix　hisself　up　as　A　real　Cannibal　from　New　Zeelan；　and　when　I　was
simply　tellin　the　audience　that　he　was　the　most　feroshos　Cannibal
of　his　tribe；　and　that；　alone　and　unassisted；　he　had　et　sev'ril
of　our　fellow　countrymen；　and　that　he　had　at　one　time　even
contemplated　eatin　his　Uncle　Thomas　on　his　mother's　side；　as　well
as　other　near　and　dear　relatives；when　I　was　makin'　these　simple
statements　the　mis'ble　young　man　said　I　was　a　lyer；　and　knockt　me
off　the　platform。　　Not　quite　satisfied　with　this；　he　cum　and　trod
hevly　on　me；　and　as　he　was　a　very　muscular　person　and　wore
remarkable　thick　boots；　I　knew　at　once　that　a　canary　bird　wasn't
walkin'　over　me。

I　admit　that　my　ambition　overlept　herself　in　this　instuns；　and
I've　been　very　careful　ever　since　to　deal　square　with　the　public。
If　I　was　the　public　I　should　insist　on　squareness；　tho'　I
shouldn't　do　as　a　portion　of　my　audience　did　on　the　occasion　jest
mentioned；　which　they　was　employed　in　sum　naberin'　coal　mines。

〃As　you　hain't　got　no　more　Cannybals　to　show　us；　old　man；〃　said
one　of　'em；　who　seemed　to　be　a　kind　of　leader　among　'ema　tall
dis'greeble　skoundril〃as　you　seem　to　be　out　of　Cannybals；　we'll
sorter　look　round　here　and　fix　things。　　Them　wax　figgers　of　yours
want　washin'。　　There's　Napoleon　Bonyparte　and　Julius　Caesarthey
must　have　a　bath；〃　with　which　coarse　and　brutal　remark　he
imitated　the　shrill　war…hoop　of　the　western　savige；　and；　assisted
by　his　infamus　coal…heavin　companyins；　he　threw　all　my　wax…work
into　the　river；　and　let　my　wild　bears　loose　to　pray　on　a　peaceful
and　inoffensive　agricultooral　community。

Leavin　Liverpool　（I'm　goin'　back　there；　thoI　want　to　see　the
Docks；　which　I　heard　spoken　of　at　least　once　while　I　was　there）　I
cum　to　London　in　a　1st　class　car；　passin'　the　time　very　agreeable
in　discussin；　with　a　countryman　of　mine；　the　celebrated
Schleswig…Holstein　question。　　We　took　that　int'resting　question
up　and　carefully　traced　it　from　the　time　it　commenced　being　so；
down　to　the　present　day；　when　my　countryman；　at　the　close　of　a
four　hours'　annymated　debate；　said　he　didn't　know　anything　about
it　himself；　and　he　wanted　to　know　if　I　did。　　I　told　him　that　I
did　not。　　He's　at　Ramsgate　now；　and　I　am　to　write　him　when　I　feel
like　givin　him　two　days　in　which　to　discuss　the　question　of　negro
slavery　in　America。　　But　now　I　do　not　feel　like　it。

London　at　last；　and　I'm　stoppin　at　the　Greenlion　tavern。　　I　like
the　lan'lord　very　much　indeed。　　He　had　fallen　into　a　few　triflin
errers　in　regard　to　Americahe　was　under　the　impression；　for
instance；　that　we　et　hay　over　there；　and　had　horns　growin　out　of
the　back　part　of　our　headsbut　his　chops　and　beer　is　ekal　to　any
I　ever　pertook。　　You　must　cum　and　see　me　and　bring　the　boys。　　I'm
told　that　Garrick　used　to　cum　here；　but　I'm　growin　skeptycal
about　Garrick's　favorit　taverns。　　I've　had　over　500　public…houses
pinted　out　to　me　where　Garrick　went。　　I　was　indooced　one　night；
by　a　seleck　comp'ny　of　Britons；　to　visit　sum　25　public…houses；
and　they　confidentially　told　me　that　Garrick　used　to　go　to　each
one　of　'em。　　Also；　Dr。　Johnson。　　This　won't　do；　you　know。

May　be　I've　rambled　a　bit　in　this　communycation。　　I'll　try　and　be
more　collected　in　my　next；　and　meanwhile；　b'lieve　me；

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Trooly　Yours；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Artemus　Ward。

5。2。　　PERSONAL　RECOLLECTIONS。

You'll　be　glad　to　learn　that　I've　made　a　good　impression　onto　the
mind　of　the　lan'lord　of　the　Green　Lion　tavern。　　He　made　a　speech
about　me　last　night。　　Risin'　in　the　bar　he　spoke　as　follers；
there　bein　over　20　individooals　present：

〃This　North　American　has　been　a　inmate　of　my　'ouse　over　two
weeks；　yit　he　hasn't　made　no　attempt　to　scalp　any　member　of　my
fam'ly。　　He　hasn't　broke　no　cups　or　sassers；　or　furnitur　of　any
kind。　　（〃Hear；　hear。〃）　　I　find　I　can　trust　him　with　lited
candles。　　He　eats　his　wittles　with　a　knife　and　a　fork。　　People　of
this　kind　should　be　encurridged。　　I　purpose　'is　'elth！〃　　（〃Loud
'plaws。〃）

What　could　I　do　but　modestly　get　up　and　express　a　fervint　hope
that　the　Atlantic　Cable　would　bind　the　two　countries　still　more
closely　together？　　The　lan'lord　said　my　speech　was　full　of
orig'nality；