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my name is red-我的名字叫红-第63节

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Raising himself slightly; he’d take the glass I’d brought him out of my hand 
and say; “May the water bearer never want for anything;” before kissing me on 
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the cheek and looking into my eyes as he used to do when I was a girl。 I stared 
down at my father’s horrid face and; in short; I was afraid。 I wanted to avoid 
looking at him; while at the same time; goaded by the Devil; I wanted to see 
how gruesome he’d bee。 
I timidly returned to the room with the blue door whereupon Black made 
an advance on me。 I pushed him away; more unthinkingly than out of anger。 
We  struggled  in  the  flickering  light  of  the  candle;  though  it  wasn’t  really  a 
struggle  but  rather  the  imitation  of  a  struggle。  We  were  enjoying  bumping 
into each other; touching one another’s arms; legs and chests。 The confusion I 
felt resembled the emotional state that Nizami had described with regard to 
Hüsrev and Shirin: Could Black; who’d read Nizami so thoroughly; sense that; 
like  Shirin;  I  also  meant  “Continue”  when  I  said;  “Don’t  bruise  my  lips  by 
kissing them so hard”? 
“I  refuse  to  sleep  in  the  same  bed  with  you  until  that  devil…of…a…man  is 
found; until my father’s murderer is caught;” I said。 
As  I  fled  the  room;  I  was  seized  by  embarrassment。  I’d  spoken  in  such  a 
shrill voice it must’ve seemed I wanted the children and Hayriye to hear what 
I’d said—perhaps even my poor father and my late husband; whose body had 
long decayed and turned to dust on who knows what barren patch of earth。 
As soon as I was back with the children; Orhan said; “Mama; Shevket went 
out into the hallway。” 
“Did you go out?” I said; and made as if to slap him。 
“Hayriye;” said Shevket and hugged her。 
“He didn’t go out;” said Hayriye。 “He was in the room the entire time。” 
I  shuddered  and  couldn’t  look  her  in  the  eyes。  I  realized  that  after  my 
father’s death was announced; the children would thenceforth seek refuge in 
Hayriye; tell her all our secrets; and that this lowly servant; taking advantage of 
this opportunity; would try to control me。 She wouldn’t stop there either; but 
would try to place the onus of my father’s murder onto me; then she’d have 
the guardianship of the children passed on to Hasan! Yes; indeed she would! 
All this shameless scheming because she’d slept with my father; may he rest in 
divine light。 Why should I hide all this from you any longer? She was; in fact; 
doing this; of course。 I smiled sweetly at her。 Then; I lifted Shevket onto my lap 
and kissed him。 
“I’m telling you; Shevket went out into the hallway;” Orhan said。 
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“Get into bed; you two。 Let me get between you so I can tell you the story 
of the tailless jackal and the black jinn。” 
“But  you  told  Hayriye  not  to  tell  us  a  story  about  jinns;”  said  Shevket。 
“Why can’t Hayriye tell us the story tonight?” 
“Will they visit the City of the Forsaken?” asked Orhan。 
“Yes they will!” I said。 “None of the children in that city have a mother or a 
father。  Hayriye;  go  downstairs  and  check  the  doors  again。  We’ll  probably  be 
asleep by the middle of the story。” 
“I won’t fall asleep;” said Orhan。 
“Where is Black going to sleep tonight?” said Shevket。 
“In  the  workshop;”  I  said。  “Snuggle  up  tight  to  your  mother  so  we  can 
warm up nicely under the quilt。 Whose icy little feet are these?” 
“Mine;” said Shevket。 “Where will Hayriye sleep?” 
I’d  begun  telling  the  story;  and  as  always;  Orhan  fell  asleep  first;  after 
which I lowered my voice。 
“After I fall asleep; you’re not going to leave the bed; right; Mama?” said 
Shevket。 
“No; I won’t leave。” 
I really didn’t intend to leave。 After Shevket fell asleep; I was musing about 
how pleasurable it was to fall asleep cuddled up with my sons on the night of 
my second wedding—with my handsome; intelligent and desirous husband in 
the next room。 I’d dozed off with such thoughts; but my sleep was fitful。 Later; 
this is what I remembered about that strange restless realm between dreaming 
and  wakefulness:  First  I  settled  accounts  with  my  deceased  father’s  angry 
spirit; then I fled the specter of that disgraceful murderer who wanted to send 
me off to be with my father。 As he pursued me; the unyielding murderer; even 
more terrifying than my father’s spirit; began making a clattering ruckus。 In 
my dream; he tossed stones at our house。 They struck the windows and landed 
on  the  roof。  Later;  he  tossed  a  rock  at  the  door;  at  one  point  even  trying  to 
force  it  open。  Next;  when  this  evil  spirit  began  to  wail  like  some  ungodly 
animal; my heart began to pound。 
I awoke covered in sweat。 Had I heard those sounds in my dream or had I 
been  awakened  by  sounds  from  somewhere  in  the  house?  I  couldn’t  decide; 
and so snuggled up with the children; and without moving; I waited。 I’d nearly 
assured myself that the noises were only in my sleep when I heard the same 
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wail。 Just then; something large landed in the courtyard with a bang。 Was this 
also a rock; perhaps? 
I  was  paralyzed  with  terror。  But  the  situation  immediately  got  worse:  I 
heard noises from within the house。 Where was Hayriye? In which room had 
Black  fallen  asleep?  In  what  state  was  my  father’s  pitiful  corpse?  My  God;  I 
prayed; protect us。 The children were deep asleep。 
Had  this  happened  before  I  was  married;  I’d  have  risen  from  bed;  and 
taking charge of the situation like the man of the house; I’d have suppressed 
my  fears  and  scared  away  the  jinns  and  spirits。  In  my  present  condition; 
however; I cowered and hugged the children。 It was as if there were no one else 
in the world。 Nobody was going to e to the aid of the children and me。 
Expecting something awful to happen; I prayed to Allah for deliverance。 As in 
my dreams; I was alone。 I heard the courtyard gate open。 It was the courtyard 
gate; wasn’t it? Yes; absolutely。 
I  rose  abruptly;  grabbed  my  robe  and  quitted  the  room  without  even 
knowing myself what I was doing。 
“Black!” I hissed from the top of the stairs。 
After hastily donning shoes; I descended the stairs。 The candle I’d lit at the 
brazier blew out as soon as I stepped out onto the courtyard’s stone walkway。 
A  strong  wind  had  begun  to  blow;  though  the  sky  was  clear。  As  soon  as  my 
eyes  adjusted;  I  saw  that  the  half…moon  was  flooding  the  courtyard  with 
moonlight。  My  dearest  Allah!  The  courtyard  gate  was  open。  I  stood  stunned; 
atremble in the cold。 
Why hadn’t I brought a knife with me? Neither did I have a candlestick or 
even a piece of wood。 For a moment; in the blackness; I saw the gate move of 
its  own  accord。  Later;  after  it  appeared  to  have  stilled;  I  heard  it  squeal。  I 
remember thinking; This seems like a dream。 
When  I  heard  a  noise  from  within  the  house;  as  if  from  just  beneath  the 
roof;  I  understood  that  my  father’s  soul  was  struggling  to  leave  his  body。 
Knowing  my  father’s  soul  was  in  such  torment  both  put  me  at  ease  and 
plunged me into agony。 If Father is the cause of these noises; I thought; then 
no  evil  will  befall  me。  On  the  other  hand;  his  tormented  soul;  frantically 
fluttering about; trying to escape and ascend; so troubled me that I prayed to 
Allah to fort him。 But when it occurred to me that his soul would protect 
me  and  the  children;  a  feeling  of  great  relief  washed  over  me。  If  there  were 
truly  some  demon  contemplating  evil  just  beyond  the  gate;  let  him  fear  my 
father’s restless soul。 
232 
 
Just then; I worried that perhaps it was Black that was upsetting my father 
so much。 Would my father bring evil upon Black? Where was he? Just then; 
outside  the  courtyard  gate;  on  the  street;  I  noticed  him  and  froze。  He  was 
speaking with somebody。 
A man was talking to Black from the trees in the empty yard on the far side 
of the street。 I was able to infer that the howling I’d heard as I lay in bed had 
e  from  this  man  whom  I  straightaway  knew  to  be  Hasan。  There  was  a 
plaintive  strain;  a  weeping  in  his  voice;  but  also  a  threatening  overtone。  I 
listened  to  them  from  a  distance。  Within  the  silent  night  they’d  given 
themselves over to settling accounts。 
I  understood  that  I  was  all  alone  in  the  world  with  my  children。  I  was 
thinking  that  I  loved  Black;  but  to  tell  the  truth;  what  I  wanted  was  to  love 
only Black—for Hasan’s melancholy voice singed my heart。 
“Tomorrow;  I’ll  return  with  the  judge;  Janissaries  and  witnesses  who’ll 
swear  that  my  older  brother  is  alive  and  still  fighting  in  the  mountains  of 
Persia;” he said。 “Your marriage is illegitimate。 You’re mitting adultery in 
there。” 
“Shekure wasn’t your wife; she was your late brother’s wife;” Black said。 
“My  older  brother’s  still  alive;”  Hasan  said  with  conviction。  “There  are 
wit

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