da.therestaurantattheendoftheuniverse-第17节

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　　A　large　dairy　animal　approached　Zaphod　Beeblebrox's　table；　a　large　fat　meaty　quadruped　of　the　bovine　type　with　large　watery　eyes；　small　horns　and　what　might　almost　have　been　an　ingratiating　smile　on　its　lips。
　　〃Good　evening；〃　it　lowed　and　sat　back　heavily　on　its　haunches；　〃I　am　the　main　Dish　of　the　Day。　May　I　interest　you　in　parts　of　my　body？〃　It　harrumphed　and　gurgled　a　bit；　wriggled　its　hind　quarters　into　a　more　fortable　position　and　gazed　peacefully　at　them。
　　Its　gaze　was　met　by　looks　of　startled　bewilderment　from　Arthur　and　Trillian；　a　resigned　shrug　from　Ford　Prefect　and　naked　hunger　from　Zaphod　Beeblebrox。
　　〃Something　off　the　shoulder　perhaps？〃　suggested　the　animal；　〃Braised　in　a　white　wine　sauce？〃
　　〃Er；　your　shoulder？〃　said　Arthur　in　a　horrified　whisper。
　　〃But　naturally　my　shoulder；　sir；〃　mooed　the　animal　contentedly；　〃nobody　else's　is　mine　to　offer。〃
　　Zaphod　leapt　to　his　feet　and　started　prodding　and　feeling　the　animal's　shoulder　appreciatively。
　　〃Or　the　rump　is　very　good；〃　murmured　the　animal。　〃I've　been　exercising　it　and　eating　plenty　of　grain；　so　there's　a　lot　of　good　meat　there。〃　It　gave　a　mellow　grunt；　gurgled　again　and　started　to　chew　the　cud。　It　swallowed　the　cud　again。
　　〃Or　a　casserole　of　me　perhaps？〃　it　added。
　　〃You　mean　this　animal　actually　wants　us　to　eat　it？〃　whispered　Trillian　to　Ford。
　　〃Me？〃　said　Ford；　with　a　glazed　look　in　his　eyes；　〃I　don't　mean　anything。〃
　　〃That's　absolutely　horrible；〃　exclaimed　Arthur；　〃the　most　revolting　thing　I've　ever　heard。〃
　　〃What's　the　problem；　Earthman？〃　said　Zaphod；　now　transferring　his　attention　to　the　animal's　enormous　rump。
　　〃I　just　don't　want　to　eat　an　animal　that's　standing　here　inviting　me　to；〃　said　Arthur；　〃it's　heartless。〃
　　〃Better　than　eating　an　animal　that　doesn't　want　to　be　eaten；〃　said　Zaphod。
　　〃That's　not　the　point；〃　Arthur　protested。　Then　he　thought　about　it　for　a　moment。　〃Alright；〃　he　said；　〃maybe　it　is　the　point。　I　don't　care；　I'm　not　going　to　think　about　it　now。　I'll　just。。。　er。。。〃
　　The　Universe　raged　about　him　in　its　death　throes。
　　〃I　think　I'll　just　have　a　green　salad；〃　he　muttered。
　　〃May　I　urge　you　to　consider　my　liver？〃　asked　the　animal；　〃it　must　be　very　rich　and　tender　by　now；　I've　been　force…feeding　myself　for　months。〃
　　〃A　green　salad；〃　said　Arthur　emphatically。
　　〃A　green　salad？〃　said　the　animal；　rolling　his　eyes　disapprovingly　at　Arthur。
　　〃Are　you　going　to　tell　me；〃　said　Arthur；　〃that　I　shouldn't　have　green　salad？〃
　　〃Well；〃　said　the　animal；　〃I　know　many　vegetables　that　are　very　clear　on　that　point。　Which　is　why　it　was　eventually　decided　to　cut　through　the　whole　tangled　problem　and　breed　an　animal　that　actually　wanted　to　be　eaten　and　was　capable　of　saying　so　clearly　and　distinctly。　And　here　I　am。〃
　　It　managed　a　very　slight　bow。
　　〃Glass　of　water　please；〃　said　Arthur。
　　〃Look；〃　said　Zaphod；　〃we　want　to　eat；　we　don't　want　to　make　a　meal　of　the　issues。　Four　rare　steaks　please；　and　hurry。　We　haven't　eaten　in　five　hundred　and　seventy…six　thousand　million　years。〃
　　The　animal　staggered　to　its　feet。　It　gave　a　mellow　gurgle。
　　〃A　very　wise　choice；　sir；　if　I　may　say　so。　Very　good；〃　it　said；　〃I'll　just　nip　off　and　shoot　myself。〃
　　He　turned　and　gave　a　friendly　wink　to　Arthur。
　　〃Don't　worry；　sir；〃　he　said；　〃I'll　be　very　humane。〃
　　It　waddled　unhurriedly　off　into　the　kitchen。
　　A　matter　of　minutes　later　the　waiter　arrived　with　four　huge　steaming　steaks。　Zaphod　and　Ford　wolfed　straight　into　them　without　a　second's　hesitation。　Trillian　paused；　then　shrugged　and　started　into　hers。
　　Arthur　stared　at　his　feeling　slightly　ill。
　　〃Hey；　Earthman；〃　said　Zaphod　with　a　malicious　grin　on　the　face　that　wasn't　stuffing　itself；　〃what's　eating　you？〃
　　And　the　band　played　on。
　　All　around　the　Restaurant　people　and　things　relaxed　and　chatted。　The　air　was　filled　with　talk　of　this　and　that；　and　with　the　mingled　scents　of　exotic　plants；　extravagant　foods　and　insidious　wines。　For　an　infinite　number　of　miles　in　every　direction　the　universal　cataclysm　was　gathering　to　a　stupefying　climax。　Glancing　at　his　watch；　Max　returned　to　the　stage　with　a　flourish。
　　〃And　now；　ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　he　beamed；　〃is　everyone　having　one　last　wonderful　time？〃
　　〃Yes；〃　called　out　the　sort　of　people　who　call　out　〃yes〃　when　edians　ask　them　if　they're　having　a　wonderful　time。
　　〃That's　wonderful；〃　enthused　Max；　〃absolutely　wonderful。　And　as　the　photon　storms　gather　in　swirling　crowds　around　us；　preparing　to　tear　apart　the　last　of　the　red　hot　suns；　I　know　you're　all　going　to　settle　back　and　enjoy　with　me　what　I　know　we　will　find　all　an　immensely　exciting　and　terminal　experience。〃
　　He　paused。　He　caught　the　audience　with　a　glittering　eye。
　　〃Believe　me；　ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　he　said；　〃there's　nothing　penultimate　about　this　one。〃
　　He　paused　again。　Tonight　his　timing　was　immaculate。　Time　after　time　he　had　done　this　show；　night　after　night。　Not　that　the　word　night　had　any　meaning　here　at　the　extremity　of　time。　All　there　was　was　the　endless　repetition　of　the　final　moment；　as　the　Restaurant　rocked　slowly　forward　over　the　brink　of　time's　furthest　edge　…　and　back　again。　This　〃night〃　was　good　though；　the　audience　was　writhing　in　the　palm　of　his　sickly　hand。　His　voice　dropped。　They　had　to　strain　to　hear　him。
　　〃This；〃　he　said；　〃really　is　the　absolute　end；　the　final　chilling　desolation；　in　which　the　whole　majestic　sweep　of　creation　bees　extinct。　This；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　is　the　proverbial　'it'。〃
　　He　dropped　his　voice　still　lower。　In　the　stillness；　a　fly　would　not　have　dared　cleat　its　throat。
　　〃After　this；〃　he　said；　〃there　is　nothing。　Void。　Emptiness。　Oblivion。　Absolute　nothing。。。〃
　　His　eyes　glittered　again　…　or　did　they　twinkle？〃
　　〃Nothing。。。　except　of　course　for　the　sweet　trolley；　and　a　fine　selection　of　Aldebaran　liqueurs！〃
　　The　band　gave　him　a　musical　sting。　He　wished　they　wouldn't；　he　didn't　need　it；　not　an　artist　of　his　calibre。　He　could　play　the　audience　like　his　own　musical　instrument。　They　were　laughing　with　relief。　He　followed　on。
　　〃And　for　once；〃　he　cried　cheerily；　〃you　don't　need　to　worry　about　having　a　hangover　in　the　morning　…　because　there　won't　be　any　more　mornings！〃
　　He　beamed　at　his　happy；　laughing　audience。　He　glanced　up　at　the　sky；　going　through　the　same　dead　routine　every　night；　but　his　glance　was　only　for　a　fraction　of　a　second。　He　trusted　it　to　do　its　job；　as　one　professional　trusts　another。
　　〃And　now；〃　he　said；　strutting　about　the　stage；　〃at　the　risk　of　putting　a　damper　on　the　wonderful　sense　of　doom　and　futility　here　this　evening；　I　would　like　to　wele　a　few　parties。〃
　　He　pulled　a　card　from　his　pocket。
　　〃Do　we　have。。。〃　he　put　up　a　hand　to　hold　back　the　cheers；　〃Do　we　have　a　party　here　from　the　Zansellquasure　Flamarion　Bridge　Club　from　beyond　the　Vortvoid　of　Qvarne？　Are　they　here？〃
　　A　rousing　cheer　came　from　the　back；　but　he　pretended　not　to　hear。　He　peered　around　trying　to　find　them。
　　〃Are　they　here？〃　he　asked　again；　to　elicit　a　louder　cheer。
　　He　got　it；　as　he　always　did。
　　〃Ah；　there　they　are。　Well；　last　bids　lads　…　and　no　cheating；　remember　this　is　a　very　solemn　moment。〃
　　He　lapped　up　the　laughter。
　　〃And　do　we　also　have；　do　we　have。。。　a　party　of　minor　deities　from　the　Halls　of　Asgard？〃
　　Away　to　his　right　came　a　rumble　of　thunder。　Lightning　arced　across　the　stage。　A　small　group　of　hairy　men　with　helmets　sat　looking　very　pleased　with　themselves；　and　raised　their　glasses　to　him。
　　Hasbeens；　he　thought　to　himself。
　　〃Careful　with　that　hammer；　sir；〃　he　said。
　　They　did　their　trick　with　the　lightning　again。　Max　gave　them　a　very　thin　lipped　smile。
　　〃And　thirdly；〃　he　said；　〃thirdly　a　party　of　Young　Conservatives　from　Sirius　B；　are　they　here？〃
　　A　party　of　smartly　dressed　young　dogs　stopped　throwing　rolls　at　each　other　and　started　throwing　rolls　at　the　stage。　They　yapped　and　barked　unintelligibly。
　　〃Yes；〃　said　Max；　〃well　this　is　all　your　fault；　you　realize　that？〃
　　〃And　finally；〃　said　Max；　quieting　the　audience　down　and　putting　on　his　solemn　face；　〃finally　I　believe　we　have　with　us　here　tonight；　a　party　of　believers；　very　devout　believers；　from　the　Church　of　the　Second　ing　of　the　Great　Prophet　Zarquon。〃
　　There　were　about　twenty　of　them；　sitting　right　out　on　the　edge　of　the　floor；　ascetically　dressed；　sipping　mineral　water　nervously；　and　staying　apart　from　the　festivities。　They　blinked　resentfully　as　the　spotlight　was　turned　on　them。
　　〃There　they　are；〃　said　Max；　〃sitting　there；　patiently。　He　said　he'd　e　again；　and　he's　kept　you　waiting　a　long　time；　so　let's　hope　he's　hurrying　fellas；　because　he's　only　got　eight　minutes　left！〃
　　The　party　of　Zarquon's　followers　sat　rigid；　refusing　to　be　buffeted　by　the　waves　of　uncharitable　laughter　which　swept　over　them。
　　Max　restrained　his　audience。
　　〃No；　but　seriously　though　folks；　seriously　though；　no　offence　meant。　No；　I　know　we　shouldn't　make　fun　of　deeply　held　beliefs；　so　I　think　a　big　hand　please　for　the　Great　Prophet　Zarquon。。。〃
　　The　audience　clapped　respectfully。
　　〃。。。　wherever　he's　got　to！〃
　　He　blew　a　kiss　to　the　stony…faced　party　and　returned　to　the　centre　of　the　stage。
　　He　grabbed　a　tall　stool