el.angeleyes-第86节

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　〃Space　is　a　harsh　mistress；〃　Odysseus　said。　Irina　could　feel　his　words　as　well　as　hear　them。　〃It　draws　you　like　a　magnet；　a　siren；　until　you　have　no　choice　but　to　open　up　your　soul　to　it。　And　then　。　。　。〃　He　put　his　head　into　her　neck。　〃And　then　you　step　into　the　black　water…the　silence　between　the　stars…and　find　that　there　is　no　bottom。　You　disappear　into　that　silence；　only　to　find　that　it　isn't　silence　at　all；　but　a　riot　of　munication　you　have　been　too　dull…witted　to　prehend。〃
　She　felt　his　teeth　on　her　flesh；　his　words　in　her　ears　in　exactly　the　same　way。　〃Immersed　in　a　thunder　of　munication；　your　sense　of　humanness　slips　away；　its　importance　diminishing　to　a　point　on　the　new　horizon。　Now　prehension　is　all　that　matters；　understanding　and　being　understood。　An　end　to　isolation；　a　chance　to　bee　one　with　the　angels。〃
　Irina　was　dizzy　with　sensation。　The　sensuality　of　his　body　was　bining　with　that　peculiar　silent　munication　of　his　to　create　a　whirlpool　toward　which　she　was　being　all　too　willingly　drawn。　Concentric　circles　6f　reality/time/energy　seemed　to　surround　her；　pulsing　in　the　darkness　of　the　pool；　heating　the　water　she　swam　in；　the　air　she　breathed。　Oxygen　was　being　forced　into　her　lungs　as　if　through　a　bellows；　there　was　a　singing　in　her　blood　instead　of　a　pulse。
　The　world　disappeared。
　In　its　place　Irina　hung　suspended　like　a　star　in　the　blackest　of　heavens。　And　there　was　Odysseus；　beside　her；　part　of　her；　in　her。
　Sliding　in　as　easily　as　if　he　had　always　been　there。　Irina；　filling　up　with　him；　felt　the　moat　disappear；　the　wall　of　glass　dissolving。　An　end　to　isolation；　a　chance　to　bee　one　with　the　angels。　Her　own　isolation　was　at　an　end；　as　if　her　making　love　to　the　Hero　was　more　than　a　physical　act；　as　if　it　were　emotional；　as　well　as　symbolic。　She　had　at　last　found　the　strength　to　embrace　something　with　every　cell　of　herself；　unequivocally；　unreservedly；　accepting　it　all；　wanting　it　all；　the　good　and　the　bad；　the　light　and　the　darkness；　because　she　was　no　longer　terrified　of　the　darkness　inside　herself；　because　in　embracing　Odysseus；　she　was　also　accepting　all　of　herself；　even　the　part　that　she　had　hated；　feared；　had　tried　for　so　long　to　disown。
　Her　breasts　crushed　against　him；　her　erect　nipples　brushing　his　smooth；　smooth　flesh；　her　arms　surrounding　him；　feeling　the　odd　shape　of　his　curved　back；　but　not　being　afraid；　accepting　that　as　part　of　him。
　Her　eyes　opened　to　watch　his　face　lovingly；　startled　when　his　amazing　eyes　opened　and　she　stared　into　their　pewter　depths；　seeing　behind　them　the　images　in　which　he　had　been　immersed　ever　since　the　event　in　the　nonsilence　between　the　stars。　Irina　saw　what　he　saw；　felt　what　he　felt。　She　was　aware　of　their　two　hearts；　beating　in　unison…surely　an　illusion…the　ticking　of　a　cosmic　clock　in　the　dark　sea　of　reality/time/energy。
　Her　muscles　were　tensed　as　her　hips　moved；　as　her　breath　came　in　hot；　excited　spurts；　but　beneath　that　her　bones　had　turned　to　liquid；　as　if　she　has　been　somehow　transformed　from　human　being　into　a　creature　of　another　design；　as　if　the　places　where　her　bones　were　had　been　turned　into　conduits；　filled　with　an　alien　fluid　pulsing　with　the　beat　of　their　two　hearts。
　And　in　that　shocked　instant；　when　her　hips　speeded　up　but　felt　heavy　with　lust　and　longing；　Irina　saw/knew/sensed　what　it　was　that　Odysseus　had　encountered　in　the　space　between　the　stars；　the　entity　that　had　given　him　the　tantalizing　glimpse　of　its　world/time/reality：　a　double…pumped　engine　like　a　heart；　liquid　〃bones〃　beneath　muscle　as　hard　as　a　carapace；　sense　organs　in　a　star…shaped　cluster　in　what　might　be　called　a　head；　but　with　a　body　shape　that　was　inprehensible　because　it　slipped　back　and　forth　between　two　and　three　dimensions。
　Odysseus　was　not　mad…or　perhaps　he　was　mad；　and　she　was　mad　as　well。　But　if　so；　then　this　madness　was　a　state　of　grace；　and　Irina　was　grateful　that　it　had　e　to　her。
　This　thought　exploded　in　her　mind　like　lightning　as　her　body　spasmed；　as　the　Него　exploded　inside　her；　so　deep　that　she　felt　him　hard　against　her　inner　core；　and　this　set　her　off　again；　moaning　and　thrashing　against　him；　hearing　his　own　deep…felt　groan　in　her　mind　as　well　as　in　her　ears。
　Ripples；　black　in　the　starless　darkness　that　immersed　them；　held　them　fast；　protected　them　from　everyone　and　everything；　purled　outward　from　the　engine　of　their　bodies；　filling　the　water's　surface　with　purpose。
　At　the　other　end　of　the　pool；　Arbat　floated；　still；　silent；　feeling　the　ripples　wash　endlessly　against　her；　happy　because　the　Hero　was　happy；　content　because　the　Него　was　content。
　After　a　very　long　time　Odysseus　slipped　from　Irina's　warmth；　but；　strangely；　she　did　not　feel　the　emptiness；　the　sting　of　sadness　she　usually　did　at　that　moment。　She　was　left　with　the　image　of　what　she　had　been　exposed　to；　what　she　had　bee。　She　reached　out；　touched　him；　wondering　if；　instead　of　calcium；　there　was　fluid　running　in　the　conduits　of　his　bones。
　Odysseus　laughed。　〃Not　yet；〃　he　said；　reading　her　mind。　〃Though　maybe　one　day。〃
　Irina　was　still　trembling。　Waves　of　emotion　rippled　through　her；　but　it　could　not　dissolve　the　dark　undercurrent　that　left　a　bitter　taste　in　her　mouth。　And　she　thought；　I've　lied　to　Valeri；　to　Mars；　even　to　Natasha。　I　cannot　lie　to　him。　She　clamped　down　on　her　dread　of　the　repercussions；　said；　〃Actually；　Mars　did　want　me　to　find　out　something。''
　The　Hero　was　silent。　Arbat　moved　closer；　watched　Irina　with　a　peculiar；　disconcerting　intensity。
　Irina　swallowed　hard。　In　sudden　panic；　she　wanted　to　turn　back　time；　but　instead　she　pressed　on。　〃He　wanted　to　know　where　you　got　some　papers　you　showed　him；　a　top…secret　file。〃　Watching　Odysseus；　she　held　her　breath。　She　could　feel　the　blood　pounding　in　her　temples。　〃Are　you　angry　with　me？〃
　〃On　the　contrary；〃　Odysseus　said；　〃I'm　grateful　you　told　me。〃
　Irina　put　her　hands　on　him。　〃It　was　wicked　of　me　not　to　tell　you　right　away。〃
　〃Was　it？〃
　''I　don't　want　to　ever　lie　to　you。''
　He　smiled。　〃That's　a　wonderful　ambition。〃　He　said　it　as　if　he　meant　〃impossible；〃　instead　of　〃wonderful。〃
　〃I　want…〃　She　stopped　abruptly；　marshalling　her　thoughts。　〃I　need　someone　I　can　trust；　someone　I　can　confide　in。〃。
　〃You　mean　rade　Volkov　isn't　the　one？〃
　This　is　it；　Irina　thought。　I　want　to…I　must　tell　him。　I　know　he　will　understand。　And；　taking　a　deep　breath；　she　stepped　off　the　edge　of　her　world。
　〃I　have　spent　some　time　in　America；　Boston；〃　she　said。　〃The　Cambridge　area　is　filled　with　students　from　many　wonderful　universities。　I　got　drunk　on　the　atmosphere　and　the　variety　of　opinions。　At　least　I　thought　I　was　drunk。　But　when　I　came　home；　and　sobered　up；　I　realized　that　I　had　left　a　piece　of　myself　in　Cambridge。　I　had　fallen　hopelessly　in　love。　Can　one　fall　in　love　with　a　place？　Why　not？　But　ever　since；　that　love　has　been　like　a　stone　in　my　heart。〃　Drifting。　Arbat　close；　listening　it　seemed；　too。　〃Now　I　know　just　how　Shakespeare's　Juliet　must　have　felt。　Love　and　pain　are　sometimes　inseparable。〃
　〃Yes；〃　Odysseus　said。　〃It　is　true　that　sometimes　memories　hurt。　Memories　of　paths　not　taken；　memories　of　what　might　have　been。''
　Irina　watched　the　play　of　light　across　his　face；　tiny　crescent　reflections　off　the　surface　of　the　water。　She　could　not　decide　whether　she　saw　the　sadness　in　his　face　or　felt　it　emanating　from　him。　After　a　time　she　said；　〃Are　you　here　of　your　own　free　will？〃
　〃That　sounds　like　a　metaphysical　question；〃　he　said。　〃I　don't　know　if　I　'm　qualified　to　answer　it。〃
　She　cocked　her　head　inquisitively；　she　was　getting　the　knack　of　manipulating　silences。
　〃The　question　of　free　will　is　an　important　one；〃　Odysseus　said　carefully。　〃We　all　may　believe　that　there　is　free　will；　but　I　doubt　now　that　it's　the　case。　We　are…have　bee…what　we　have　been　made　into；　what　has　been　implanted　in　us　in　an　unconscious；　a　subliminal　sense　at　a　very　early　age。　And；　as　adults；　the　way　in　which　we　respond　to　people　and　to　situations　is　determined　by　the　nature　of　that　subliminal　information　we　may　not　even　know　is　there。''
　As　he　spoke；　Irina　felt　a　tiny　shiver　race　down　her；　and　she　sought　to　be　closer　to　him；　as　if　so　near　his　presence　she　could　beat　back　the　unpleasant　truth　that　seemed　so　unfortably　near　now。　She　had　seemed　so　close　to　freedom　when　he　was　inside　her；　but　now　the　old　sad　Irina　was　trying　to　reassert　herself。　Don't　think　about　it；　she　told　herself。
　〃I　wonder；〃　Odysseus　said；　〃whether　you　hold　me　as　you　hold　all　your　men？''
　〃Are　you　jealous　of　Mars　already？〃　Irina　said。　She　had　meant　it　humorously；　a　light　touch　to　a　conversation　pulling　her　ever　deeper　into　the　heart　of　her　own　darkness。
　〃Jealousy　has　nothing　to　do　with　it；〃　Odysseus　said。
　〃Of　course。　One　of　my　men　is　KGB。''
　〃Yes。〃
　〃You　know？〃　Irina　was　startled。
　''The　KGB　knows　many　things；''　Odysseus　said。　''But　I　know　more。''　　His　eyes　were　light；　she　could　see　pinpoints　dancing　in　their　depths。　''I　know　how　we　are　joined。　There　can　be　no　deceit　in　such　openness；　just　as　there　can　be　no　duplication　of　it　with　another。　No；　Irina；　I　am　not　threatened。　But　I　am　concerned　by　your　dependence　on　men。〃
　''What　are　you　talking　about？''　But　her　heartbeat；　out　of　sync　with　his；　accelerated　painfully；　as　if　she　already　knew　what　he　would　say。