el.angeleyes-第124节

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g。　〃Ah；〃　he　said　softly。　〃What　a　world。〃
　They　remained　like　that　for　some　time；　father　and　daughter；　near　one　another　yet　in　other；　more　important　ways；　apart。
　Tori　knew　that　her　heart　should　go　out　to　her　father；　yet　she　felt　nothing。　He　was　still　as　closed　off　to　her　as　he　had　ever　been。　She　wondered　what　went　on　in　his　mind。　Other　than　his　quite　obvious　love　for　Greg；　she　could　discover　nothing。
　Into　her　mind　crept　memories　of　Koi。　The　essence　of　that　last　afternoon　with　Koi　glowed　like　a　pearl　in　the　viscera　of　her　memory。　Intense　splashes　of　color；　the　flash　of　the　blade；　the　first　splash　of　blood；　so　shocking。　The　lights　in　the　mountains　glowing。　Opening　the　door；　letting　the　light　in。　Wasn't　that　something　that　Greg　had　said？　Tori　wondered　how　one　person's　death　could　open　the　door；　let　the　light　in。
　And；　yet；　it　was　so。　Koi's　last　moments　had　somehow　changed　Tori　in　the　same　way　they　had　changed　Koi　herself。　I　was　also　wearing　white　that　afternoon；　Tori　thought。　Her　blood　seeped　onto　me；　into　me。　She　was　obsessed　the　way　I　was。　But　being　with　her　allowed　me　to　look　into　the　mirror　of　my　own　soul；　to　see　what　for　so　long　I　had　not　wanted　to　see。
　I　was　addicted　to　violence；　to　the　power　wielding　it　gave　me　in　a　man's　world。　But　in　her　I　saw　how　utterly　corrupting　violence　is。　In　the　end　Koi　understood　that　about　herself。　So　sad　that　she　had　to　die；　so　sad　that　she　could　not　change　as　I　will　make　myself　change。
　Ellis　Nunn　shook　himself。　He　became　aware　of　Tori；　watched　for　a　time　the　look　on　her　face。　He　opened　his　mouth　as　if　to　say　something；　then　closed　it。
　Silence　seeped　in　around　them　like　the　twining　vines　of　the　wisteria。
　Laura　Nunn　arrived　back　in　Diana's　Garden　just　before　midnight。　She　always　seemed　to　have　a　knack　of　knowing　where　Tori　was　in　the　vast　house；　and　so　she　swept　into　the　library　where　Tori　sat　curled　in　a　chair；　reading　Stanley　Karnow's　Vietnam：　A　History。
　〃Darling！　It's　so　wonderful　to　have　you　home　again！〃
　〃Hello；　Mother。〃　Tori　closed　her　book。
　Laura　Nunn　frowned；　arranged　herself　in　the　lotus　position　at　the　foot　of　Tori's　chair。　〃Yoga　keeps　the　body　young　and　supple。''　She　laughed　a　little　at　the　stilted　phrase；　learned　from　her　instructor。
　Tori　knew　she　was　nervous。　She　sat　up。　She　had　never　known　her　mother　to　be　nervous。
　Laura　Nunn　said；　〃I　understand　you　saw　Greg。〃
　〃Why　didn't　you　tell　me　he　was　alive？　Why　did　you　let　me　go　on　grieving　for　him？〃
　〃Oh；　my　darling；　don't　you　think　your　father　and　I　weren't　grieving　for　the　torture　he　was　undergoing？''
　〃You're　avoiding　answering　me。''
　〃I've　never　been　very　good　at　handling　inquisitions。〃
　Tori　moaned。　〃One　question　is　not　an　inquisition；　Mother。〃
　〃It's　the　tone　I'm　talking　about；　not　the　number。〃
　〃All　right；　I'm　sorry。〃　Tori　knew　she'd　never　get　anywhere　unless　she　acquiesced。
　Laura　Nunn　nodded。　〃I　was　told　not　to。〃
　〃By　whom？〃
　〃Why；　your　father；　of　course。〃
　Tori　regarded　her　mother　for　some　time　before　she　said；　〃Was　not　telling　me　his　idea？〃
　〃Well；　no；〃　Laura　Nunn　said。　〃As　I　remember　it；　Bernard　Godwin　might　have　mentioned　it。〃
　〃Do　you　know　why？〃　One　had　to　be　patient；　like　dealing　with　a　recalcitrant　six…year…old。
　〃Of　course　I　do；〃　Laura　Nunn　said；　angry。　〃He　wanted　to　spare　you。〃　She　nodded。　〃Yes；　those　were　his　words　exactly。　'I　want　to　spare　Tori　any　unnecessary　anxiety。'　''
　〃I　think　I'm　going　to　need　a　better　explanation　than　that。〃
　〃You　must　ask　your　father；　then。〃
　Tori　leaned　forward。　〃I'm　asking　you。〃
　〃Don't　do　this　to　me；　Tori。　It's　not　my　place…〃
　〃You're　my　mother；〃　Tori　said　heatedly。　〃It　is　your　place。〃
　Laura　Nunn　put　her　head　in　her　hands；　began　to　sob。　Tori　watched　her；　uncertain　whether　this　scene　was　real；　planned；　or　was　simply　another　of　her　mother's　ad…libbed　〃actor's　exercises。〃
　〃I　suppose　you　think　I'm　a　foolish　woman；〃　Laura　Nunn　said　when　her　sobbing　subsided　sufficiently。　〃Always　involved　in　the　latest　fashions；　always　throwing　lavish　parties。　No；　don't　bother　to　deny　it。　There's　no　point　anymore。〃　She　wiped　her　eyes；　sighed。　〃The　truth　is；　I　detest　all　that。　The　truth　is；　I'm　a　simple　country　girl　who　is；　at　heart；　far　too　insecure　to　risk　being　herself。〃
　She　tossed　her　head；　sniffled。　〃Anyway；　I'm　in　the　wrong　city；　the　wrong　profession　for　that。　No　one　seems　interested　in　finding　out　what's　below　the　careful　facade。　In　this　town；　when　anyone　bothers　to　scratch　the　surface；　they　do　it　to　draw　blood；　not　to　discover　what's　underneath。〃
　〃Sort　of　like　my　profession；''　Tori　said；　seeing　it　for　the　first　time。
　Laura　Nunn　cocked　her　head　thoughtfully。　〃Yes；　now　that　you　mention　it；　perhaps　that's　true。　But　only　in　a　way。〃　She　reached　out；　put　her　hand　gently；　almost　shyly；　on　her　daughter's　knee。　〃But　you're　so　much　more；　Tori。　I　mean；　you're　the　Zen　Policeman；　aren't　you？〃
　Tori；　her　heart　thudding　heavily；　could　hear　Greg　saying；　Remember　the　Zen　Policeman；　and　his　small　smile　that　had　stayed　with　her　all　the　way　home。
　〃What　do　you　mean？〃
　〃Well；　I　shouldn't　tell　you　this；　I　suppose；　but　。。。　Well；　that's　how　your　father　thinks　of　you；　as　the　Zen　Policeman。〃　She　took　Tori's　hand　in　hers；　squeezed　it。　〃Oh；　I　know　you　think　he's　hard　and　uncaring。　I　know　it　hurts　you　to　think　that　he　loves　Greg　and　not　you。　But　that's　so　far　from　the　truth　it's　laughable。
　〃The　truth　is　that　Greg　was　always　the　difficult　one。　He　drove　your　father　to　distraction。　He　was　a　weak　child；　and　always　afraid；　of　the　dark；　of　being　alone；　and　especially　of　being　in　the　water。　I　took　to　protecting　him　which；　I'm　afraid；　angered　your　father　farther。　'A　boy　should　look　up　to　his　father；'　Ellis　once　told　me　sternly。　'Not　his　mother。'
　〃Anyway；　Ellis　fell　madly　in　love　with　you　from　the　moment　I　gave　birth　to　you。　You　were　such　a　happy　baby。　And　you　were　strong　and　so　very　smart　when　he　played　with　you。　You　so　delighted　him！　You　were　going　to　fulfill　his　every　dream。
　''And　then；　inexplicably；　you　left　him。　You　ran　away…all　the　way　to　Japan；　the　other　side　of　the　world。　You　abandoned　him；　and　he　was　utterly　devastated。〃
　Once　again　Tori　heard　Bernard　Godwin's　voice；　saying。　Well；　if　life　has　taught　me　anything　it's　this：　truth　is　a　plex　animal。　Every　time　you　think　you've　caught　it　by　the　tail；　it　turns　around　and　bites　you　on　the　ass。
　〃But　my　leaving　wasn't　inexplicable；〃　Tori　said。
　〃Oh；　I　know　that；　my　dear。　But　your　father　couldn't…or　wouldn't…understand。　You　were　his　universe；　and　you　left　him　flat。　That's　all　he　could　see。〃
　〃And　he's　been　punishing　me　ever　since？〃
　〃No；　no。〃　Laura's　eyes　widened。　〃Oh；　how　could　you　ever　think　such　a　thing？　Who　do　you　think　roused　Maria　out　of　bed　this　morning　to　make　sure　everything　you　liked　to　eat　was　ready　for　you　when　you　awoke？　He'd　never　admit　it；　of　course。　
　〃No；　Ellis　has　been　punishing　himself。　He's　convinced　he　failed　you　in　some　way。　Otherwise；　he　reasons；　why　would　you　have　left　so　suddenly；　so　utterly。〃
　She　rose　up；　kissed　Tori　warmly　on　the　lips。　〃We're　so　proud　of　what　you　do。〃　She　smiled　a　little。　〃Do　you　see　now　why　he　became　involved　with　Bernard？　It　was　only　partially　for　Greg's　sake；　and　for　the　sake　of　his　own　Soviet　heritage。
　〃Bernard　gave　us　no　guarantees　that　what　we　would　do　would　help　Greg　in　any　way。　But　your　father　saw　a　way　to　bee；　if　only　peripherally；　a　part　of　your　life　again。　He　never　admitted　that　to　me；　but　I　can　assure　you；　darling；　that　this　was　his　main　reason　for　accepting　Bernard's　offer。〃
　Laura　Nunn　stroked　Tori's　hair；　wiped　away　her　daughter's　tears；　and　smiled。　〃You　know；　in　the　beginning　Bernard　said　he　could　give　us　no　assurances　that　Greg　would　be　protected。　He　said　he　had　no　agents　whom　he　could　trust　enough；　and　do　you　know　what　your　father　said？　'Bernard；　you're　wrong。　You　have　the　Zen　Policeman。'　〃
　Tori　found　her　father　taking　his　laps　in　the　pool。　He　had　e　home　early　from　work；　but　had　not　sought　her　out。　It　was　late　in　the　afternoon　of　the　following　day。　The　light　slanted　in　through　the　palms　and　the　cropped　Norfolk　pines；　illuminating　the　surface　of　the　water；　Ellis　Nunn's　powerful　shoulder　muscles　as　he　worked　up　and　down　the　length　of　the　pool。
　Tori；　in　a　one…piece　bathing　suit；　slipped　silently　into　the　water。　She　was　immediately　reminded　of　Greg；　and　felt　a　pang　of　mingled　joy　and　sadness。
　For　a　while　she　did　nothing　but　parallel　her　father；　and　he；　intent　on　his　exercise；　did　not　let　up　his　pace；　though　surely　he　was　aware　of　her　presence。
　When；　finally；　he　broke　off；　he　said；　〃It's　nice　having　you　in　the　pool　with　me　again。〃
　They　hung　in　the　water　with　the　California　sun　burnishing　their　faces。　The　leaves　rustled　briefly　as　the　ghost　of　a　breeze　came　up。
　〃Dad；〃　Tori　began；　〃I'm　sorry　I　left　you。〃
　Ellis　Nunn　turned　away；　but　Tori　swam　in　front　of　him。　〃You　know；　sooner　or　later；　I　had　to　leave。〃　She　searched　his　face。　〃Dad？〃　She　took　a　deep　breath。　〃It　wasn't　anything　you　did。〃
　〃Your　mother's　been　talking　to　you；〃　he　said　tightly。
　''Don't　be　angry　with　her。　It　was　time　for　me　to　know。　I　think　she　understood　that。〃
　〃You　shouldn't　know　these　things。〃
　She　moved　closer　to　him。　〃Why　not？〃
　〃You'll　think　I'm　weak。〃　He　lifted　his　head　up。　The　sunlight　struck　him。　〃I'm　not　weak；　you　know。〃　
　〃I　know。　Dad。〃　She　watched　hi