anner.bloodandgold(v2)-第23节

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ural　in　the　way　I　made　the　colors　so　unusually　bright；　and　added　so　many　fierce　little　details。　I　was　particularly　repelled　by　my　penchant　for　decorative　details。
　　　As　much　as　I　was　driven　to　do　this　work；　I　hated　it。　I　posed　whole　gardens　of　lovely　mythic　creatures　only　to　rub　them　out。　　Sometimes　I　painted　so　fast　that　I　exhausted　myself；　and　fell　down　on　the　floor　of　the　shrine；　spending　the　paralytic　sleep　of　the　whole　day　there；　helpless；　rather　than　going　to　my　secret　resting　place…my　coffin…　which　was　hidden　not　far　from　my　house。
　　　We　are　monsters；　that　is　what　I　thought　whenever　I　painted　or　looked　on　my　own　painting；　and　that's　what　I　think　now。　Never　mind　that　I　want　to　go　on　existing。　We　are　unnatural。　We　are　witnesses　with　both　too　much　and　too　little　feeling。　And　as　I　thought　these　things；　I　had　before　me　the　mute　witnesses；　Akasha　and　Enkil。
　　　What　did　it　matter　to　them　what　I　did？
　　　Perhaps　twice　a　year　I　changed　their　fancy　garments；　arranging　Akasha's　gown　with　fastidious　care。　I　brought　new　bracelets　for　her　more　often　and　put　these　on　her　cold　sluggish　arms　with　slow　tender　movements　so　as　not　to　insult　her　by　what　I　did。　I　fussed　with　the　gold　in　the　black　plaited　hair　of　both　Parents。　I　arranged　a　handsome　necklace　around　the　naked　shoulders　of　the　King。
　　　I　never　spoke　to　either　of　them　idly。　They　were　too　grand　for　that。　I　addressed　them　only　in　prayer。
　　　I　was　silent　in　the　shrine　as　I　worked；　with　my　paint　pots　and　brushes。　I　was　silent　as　I　sat　there　peering　in　frank　disgust　at　what　I'd　done。
　　　Then　one　night；　after　many　years　of　diligence　in　the　shrine；　I　stood　back　and　tried　to　see　the　whole　as　never　before。　My　head　was　swimming。　
　　　I　went　to　the　entrance　to　take　the　stance　of　a　man　who　was　new　the　place；　and　forgetting　utterly　the　Divine　Pair；　I　merely　looked　at　the　walls。
　　　A　truth　came　clear　to　me　in　painful　clarity。　I　had　painted　Pandora。　I　had　painted　her　everywhere。　Each　nymph；　each　goddess；　was　Pandora。　Why　hadn't　I　known？
　　　I　was　amazed　and　defeated。　My　eyes　are　playing　tricks　on　me；　I　thought。　I　wiped　them；　actually　wiped　them　as　a　mortal　might　do；　to　see　all　the　better　and　looked　again。　No。　It　was　Pandora；　rendered　beautifully　everywhere　that　I　looked。　Dresses　changed　and　style　of　hair；　yes；　and　other　adornments　but　these　creatures　were　all　Pandora；　and　I　had　not　seen　it　until　now。
　　　Of　course　the　never　ending　garden　looked　familiar。　Never　mind　that。　Pandora　had　little　or　nothing　to　do　with　those　feelings。　Pandora　was　inescapable　and　came　from　some　different　fount　of　sensations。　Pandora　would　never　leave　me。　That　was　the　curse。
　　　I　concealed　all　my　paints　and　brushes　behind　the　Divine　Parents　as　I　always　did…it　would　have　been　an　insult　to　the　Father　and　Mother　to　leave　them…and　I　went　back　to　Rome。
　　　I　had　before　me　several　hours　before　dawn　in　which　to　suffer；　in　which　to　think　of　Pandora　as　never　before。
　　　The　drunken　party　was　winding　down　a　bit　as　it　always　did　in　the　small　hours；　with　a　few　guests　asleep　in　the　grass　outside；　and　others　singing　together　in　a　small　group；　and　no　one　took　notice　of　me　as　I　went　into　my　library；　and　sat　at　my　desk。
　　　Through　the　open　doors　I　looked　out　at　the　dark　trees　and　wished　that　my　life　were　at　an　end。
　　　It　seemed　I　lacked　the　courage　to　go　on　in　the　existence　which　I'd　made　for　myself；　and　then　I　turned　and　decided…simply　out　of　desperation…to　look　at　the　paintings　on　the　walls　of　the　room。　I　had　of　course　approved　these　paintings　and　paid　to　have　them　refreshed　and　changed　many　a　time。
　　　But　now　I　took　stock　of　them　from　my　point　of　view　not　as　Marius　the　rich　man　who　can　have　whatever　he　wishes；　but　as　Marius　the　monster　painter　who　had　rendered　Pandora　twenty…one　times　on　the　four　walls　of　Akasha's　shrine。
　　　I　saw　suddenly　how　inferior　were　these　paintings；　how　rigid　and　pallid　the　goddesses　and　nymphs　who　peopled　this　world　of　my　study；　and　quickly　I　woke　my　day　slaves　and　told　them　that　they　must　have　everything　covered　over　with　fresh　paint　the　following　day。　Also　an　entire　supply　of　the　best　paints　must　be　purchased　and　brought　to　the　house。　Never　mind　how　the　walls　were　to　be　redecorated。　Leave　that　to　me。　Cover　up　all　that　was　there。
　　　
　　　
　　　They　were　used　to　my　eccentricities；　and　after　making　certain　that　they　understood　me；　they　went　back　to　their　sleep。
　　　I　didn't　know　what　I　meant　to　do；　except　I　felt　driven　to　make　pictures；　and　I　felt　if　I　can　cling　to　that；　if　I　can　do　that；　then　I　can　go　on。
　　　My　misery　deepened。
　　　I　laid　out　vellum　for　an　entry　in　my　erstwhile　journal　and　began　to　describe　the　experience　of　discovering　my　beloved　everywhere　around　me；　and　how　it　seemed　to　contain　an　element　of　sorcery　when　suddenly　I　heard　an　unmistakable　sound。
　　　Avicus　was　at　my　gate。　Indeed　he　was　asking　me　with　a　strong　current　of　the　Mind　Gift　whether　or　not　he　might　e　over　the　wall　and　in　to　visit　me。
　　　He　was　leery　of　the　mortals　in　my　banquet　room　and　in　my　garden。　But　might　he　e　in？
　　　At　once　I　gave　my　silent　answer　that　he　could。
　　　It　had　been　years　since　I　had　so　much　as　glimpsed　him　in　the　back　streets；　and　I　was　not　entirely　surprised　to　see　him　dressed　as　a　Roman　soldier；　and　to　see　that　he　had　taken　to　carrying　a　dagger　and　a　sword。
　　　He　glanced　fretfully　at　the　door　to　the　banquet　room；　but　I　gestured　that　he　must　pay　the　guests　no　attention　at　all。
　　　His　rich　curling　dark　hair　was　well　groomed　and　clean　and　he　had　about　him　an　attitude　of　prosperity　and　well…being；　except　that　his　clothes　were　dreadfully　stained　with　blood。　It　was　not　human　blood。　I　would　have　smelled　human　blood。　He　soon　gave　me　to　know　by　a　simple　facial　expression　that　he　was　in　dire　distress。
　　　〃What　is　it？　What　can　I　do　for　you？〃　I　asked。　I　tried　to　cloak　my　pure　loneliness；　my　pure　need　to　touch　his　hand。
　　　You　are　a　creature　like　me；　I　wanted　to　say。　We　are　monsters　and　we　can　put　our　arms　around　each　other。　What　are　they；　my　guests；　but　tender　things？　But　I　said　nothing　at　all。
　　　It　was　Avicus　who　spoke。
　　　〃Something　dreadful　has　happened。　I　don't　know　how　to　correct　it；　or　even　if　it　can　be　corrected。　I　beg　you　to　e。〃
　　　〃e　where；　tell　me；〃　I　said　sympathetically。
　　　〃It's　Mael。　He's　been　grievously　wounded　and　I　don't　know　if　the　damage　can　be　repaired。〃
　　　We　went　out　at　once。
　　　　　I　followed　him　into　a　very　crowded　quarter　of　Rome　where　the　newer　buildings　faced　one　another　sometimes　with　no　more　than　two　feet　in　between。　At　last　we　came　to　a　substantial　new　house　on　the　outskirts；　a　rich　dwelling；　with　a　heavy　gate；　and　he　took　me　inside；　through　the　entranceway　and　into　the　broad　beautiful　atrium　or　courtyard　within　the　house。
　　　Let　me　note　here　that　he　was　not　using　his　full　strength　during　this　little　journey；　but　I　did　not　want　to　point　this　out　to　him；　and　so　at　his　slow　pace；　I　had　followed　his　lead。
　　　Now；　through　the　atrium；　we　passed　into　the　main　room　of　the　house；　the　room　where　mortals　would　have　dined；　and　there　by　the　light　of　one　lamp；　I　saw　Mael　lying　in　seeming　helplessness　on　the　tiled　floor。
　　　The　light　was　glinting　in　his　eyes。　I　knelt　beside　him　at　once。
　　　His　head　was　twisted　awkwardly　to　one　side；　and　one　of　his　arms　was　turned　as　though　the　shoulder　were　out　of　joint。　His　entire　body　was　hideously　gaunt；　and　his　skin　had　a　dreadful　pallor　to　it。　Yet　his　eyes　fixed　on　me　with　neither　malice　nor　supplication。
　　　His　clothes；　very　much　like　those　of　Avicus；　hung　loose　on　his　starved　frame；　and　were　deeply　soaked　with　blood。　As　for　his　long　blond　hair　it　was　clotted　with　blood　also；　and　his　lips　shivered　as　if　he　were　trying　to　speak　but　could　not。
　　　Avicus　gestured　to　me　helplessly　with　both　hands。　I　bent　closer　to　have　a　better　look　at　Mael；　while　Avicus　brought　the　oil　lamp　near　and　held　it　so　that　it　cast　a　warm　bright　light。
　　　Mael　made　a　low；　harsh　sound；　and　I　saw　gradually　that　there　were　horrid　red　wounds　on　his　throat；　and　on　his　naked　shoulder　where　the　cloth　of　his　tunic　had　been　pushed　out　of　the　way。　His　arm　was　at　the　wrong　angle　to　his　body；　most　definitely；　and　his　neck　had　been　horribly　twisted　so　that　his　head　was　not　right。
　　　In　a　moment　of　exquisite　horror；　I　realized　that　these　parts　of　him…　head　and　arm…had　been　shifted　from　their　natural　place。
　　　〃How　did　this　happen？〃　I　asked。　I　looked　up　at　Avicus。　〃Do　you　know？〃
　　　〃They　cut　off　his　head　and　his　arm；〃　said　Avicus。　〃It　was　a　band　of　soldiers；　drunk　and　looking　for　trouble。　We　made　to　go　around　them；　but　they　turned　on　us。　We　should　have　gone　up　over　the　roofs。　We　were　too　sure　of　ourselves。　We　thought　ourselves　so　superior；　so　invincibly　strong。〃
　　　〃I　see；〃　I　answered。　I　clasped　the　hand　of　Mael's　good　arm。　At　once；　he　pressed　my　hand　in　return。　In　truth　I　was　deeply　shocked。　But　I　could　not　let　either　of　them　see　this；　for　it　would　only　have　made　them　more　afraid。
　　　I　had　often　wondered　if　we　could　be　destroyed　by　dismemberment；　and　now　the　awful　truth　was　plain　to　me。　It　was　not　sufficient　alone　to　release　our　souls　from　this　world。
　　　〃They　surrounded　him　before　I　knew　what　to　do；〃　said　Avicus。　〃I　fought　off　those　who　tried　to　harm　me；　but　look　what　they　have　done　to　him。〃
　　　〃And　you　brought　him　back　here；〃　I　said