rh.theassassinsapprentice-第54节

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h　a　man。　After　days　of　his　abuse；　to　wring　a　single　grudging　word　of　acknowledgment　from　him　was　like　a　torrent　of　praise　from　any　other　master。　Days　of　his　belittling　should　have　made　me　numb　to　his　mockery。　Instead；　I　came　to　believe　much　of　what　he　said；　and　tried　futilely　to　change。
　　　　　　　We　vied　constantly　with　one　another　to　e　to　his　attention。　Some　emerged　clearly　as　his　favorites。　August　was　one；　and　we　were　often　exhorted　to　imitate　him。　I　was　clearly　his　most　despised。　And　yet　this　did　not　stop　me　from　burning　to　distinguish　myself　before　him。　After　the　first　time　I　was　never　last　on　the　tower　top。　I　never　wavered　from　his　blows。　Nor　did　Serene；　who　shared　my　distinction　of　being　despised。　Serene　became　Galen's　groveling　follower；　never　breathing　a　word　of　criticism　about　him　after　that　first　lashing。　Yet　he　constantly　found　fault　with　her；　berated　and　reviled　her；　and　struck　her　far　more　often　than　he　struck　any　of　the　other　women。　Yet　it　made　her　only　more　determined　to　prove　she　could　withstand　his　abuse；　and　she；　after　Galen；　was　the　most　intolerant　of　any　who　wavered　or　doubted　in　our　teaching。
　　　　　　　Winter　deepened。　It　was　cold　and　dark　on　the　tower　top；　save　for　what　light　came　from　the　stairwell。　It　was　the　most　isolated　place　in　the　world；　and　Galen　was　god　of　it。　He　forged　us　into　a　unit。　We　believed　ourselves　elite；　superior；　and　privileged　to　be　instructed　in　the　Skill。　Even　I；　who　endured　mockery　and　beatings；　believed　this　to　be　so。　Those　of　us　he　broke；　we　despised。　We　saw　only　one　another　for　this　time；　we　heard　only　Galen。　At　first　I　missed　Chade。　I　wondered　what　Burrich　and　Lady　Patience　were　doing。　But　as　months　went　by；　such　lesser　occupations　no　longer　seemed　interesting。　Even　the　Fool　and　Smithy　came　to　be　almost　annoyances　to　me；　so　single…mindedly　did　I　pursue　Galen's　approval。　The　Fool　came　and　went　silently　then。　Though　there　were　times；　when　I　was　sorest　and　weariest；　when　the　touch　of　Smithy's　nose　against　my　cheek　was　the　only　fort　I　had；　and　times　when　I　felt　shamed　by　how　little　time　I　was　giving　to　my　growing　puppy。
　　　　　　　After　three　months　of　cold　and　cruelty；　Galen　had　whittled　us　down　to　eight　candidates。　The　real　training　finally　began　then；　and　also　he　returned　to　us　a　small　measure　of　fort　and　dignity。　These　seemed　by　then　not　only　great　luxuries；　but　gifts　from　Galen　to　be　grateful　for。　A　bit　of　dried　fruit　with　our　meals；　permission　to　wear　shoes；　brief　conversation　allowed　at　the　table…that　was　all；　and　yet　we　were　grovelingly　grateful　for　it。　But　the　changes　were　only　beginning。
　　　　　　　It　es　back　in　crystal　glimpses。　I　remember　the　first　time　he　touched　me　with　the　Skill。　We　were　on　the　tower　top；　spaced　even　farther　now　that　there　were　fewer　of　us。
　　　　　　　And　he　went　from　one　of　us　to　the　next；　pausing　a　moment　before　each；　while　the　rest　of　us　waited　in　reverent　silence。　〃Ready　your　minds　for　the　touch。　Be　open　to　it；　but　do　not　indulge　in　the　pleasure　of　it。　The　purpose　of　the　Skill　is　not　pleasure。〃
　　　　　　　He　wended　his　way　among　us；　in　no　particular　order。　Spaced　as　we　were；　we　could　not　see　one　another's　faces；　nor　did　it　ever　please　Galen　that　our　eyes　follow　his　movements。　And　so　we　heard　only　his　brief；　stern　words；　then　heard　the　indrawn　gasp　of　each　touched　one。　To　Serene　he　said　in　disgust；　〃Be　open　to　it；　I　said。　Not　cower　like　a　beaten　dog。〃
　　　　　　　And　last　he　came　to　me。　I　listened　to　his　words；　and　as　he　had　counseled　us　earlier；　I　tried　to　let　go　of　every　sensory　awareness　I　had　and　be　open　only　to　him。　I　felt　the　brush　of　his　mind　against　mine；　like　a　soft　tickle　on　my　forehead。　I　stood　firm　before　it。　It　grew　stronger；　a　warmth；　a　light；　but　I　refused　to　be　drawn　into　it。　I　felt　Galen　stood　within　my　mind；　sternly　regarding　me；　and　using　the　focusing　techniques　he　had　taught　us　（imagine　a　pail　of　purest　white　wood；　and　pour　yourself　into　it）　I　was　able　to　stand　before　him；　waiting；　aware　of　the　Skill's　elation；　but　not　giving　in　to　it。　Thrice　the　warmth　rushed　through　me；　and　thrice　I　stood　before　it。　And　then　he　withdrew。　He　gave　me　a　grudging　nod；　but　in　his　eyes　I　saw　not　approval　but　a　trace　of　fear。
　　　　　　　That　first　touch　was　like　the　spark　that　finally　kindles　the　tinder。　I　grasped　what　it　was。　I　could　not　do　it　yet；　I　could　not　send　my　thoughts　out　from　me；　but　I　had　a　knowing　that　would　not　fit　into　words。　I　would　be　able　to　Skill。　And　with　that　knowing　my　resolve　hardened；　and　there　was　nothing；　nothing　Galen　could　have　done　that　would　stop　me　learning　it。
　　　　　　　I　think　he　knew　it。　For　some　reason；　it　frightened　him。　For　he　turned　on　me　in　the　days　that　followed　with　a　cruelty　that　I　now　find　incredible。　Hard　words　and　blows　he　dealt　me；　but　none　could　turn　me　aside。　He　struck　me　once　in　the　face　with　his　quirt。　It　left　a　visible　welt；　and　it　chanced　that　when　I　was　ing　into　the　dining　hall；　Burrich　was　also　there。　I　saw　his　eyes　widen。　He　started　up　from　his　place　at　table；　his　jaw　clenched　in　a　way　I　knew　too　well。　But　I　looked　aside　from　him　and　down。　He　stood　a　moment；　glaring　at　Galen；　who　returned　his　look　with　a　supercilious　stare。　Then；　fists　clenched；　Burrich　turned　his　back　and　left　the　room。　I　relaxed；　relieved　there　would　be　no　confrontation。　But　then　Galen　looked　at　me；　and　the　triumph　in　his　face　made　my　heart　cold。　I　was　his　now；　and　he　knew　it。
　　　　　　　Pain　and　victories　mixed　for　me　in　the　next　week。　He　never　lost　an　opportunity　to　belittle　me。　And　yet　I　knew　I　excelled　at　each　exercise　he　gave　us。　I　sensed　the　others　groping　after　his　touch　of　Skill；　but　for　me　it　was　as　simple　as　opening　my　eyes。　I　knew　one　moment　of　intense　fear。　He　had　entered　my　mind　with　the　Skill　and　given　me　a　sentence　to　repeat　aloud。　〃I　am　a　bastard；　and　I　shame　my　father's　name；〃　I　said　aloud；　calmly。　And　then　he　spoke　again　within　my　mind。　You　draw　strength　from　somewhere；　bastard。　This　is　not　your　Skill。　Do　you　think　I　will　not　find　the　source？　And　then　I　quailed　before　him　and　drew　back　from　his　touch；　hiding　Smithy　within　my　mind。　His　smile　showed　all　his　teeth　to　me。
　　　　　　　In　the　days　that　followed；　we　played　a　game　of　hide…and…seek。　I　must　let　him　into　my　mind；　to　learn　the　Skill。　Once　there；　I　danced　on　coals　to　keep　my　secrets　from　him。　Not　just　Smithy；　but　Chade　and　the　Fool　did　I　hide；　and　Molly　and　Kerry　and　Dirk；　and　other；　older　secrets　I　would　not　reveal　even　to　myself。　He　sought　them　all；　and　I　juggled　them　desperately　out　of　his　reach。　But　despite　all　that；　or　perhaps　because　of　it；　I　felt　myself　growing　stronger　in　the　Skill。　〃Don't　mock　me！〃　he　roared　after　one　session；　and　then　grew　infuriated　as　the　other　students　exchanged　shocked　glances。　〃Attend　to　your　own　exercises！〃　he　roared　at　them。　He　paced　away　from　me；　then　spun　suddenly　and　flung　himself　at　me。　Fist　and　boot；　he　attacked　me　and　as　Molly　once　had；　I　had　no　more　thought　than　to　shield　my　face　and　belly。　The　blows　he　rained　on　me　were　more　like　a　child's　tantrum　than　a　man's　attack。　I　felt　their　ineffectiveness　and　then　realized　with　a　chill　that　I　was　repelling　at　him。　Not　so　much　that　he　would　sense　it；　just　enough　that　not　one　of　his　blows　fell　exactly　as　he　had　intended。　I　knew；　more；　that　he　had　no　idea　what　I　was　doing。　When　at　last　he　dropped　his　fists　and　I　dared　to　lift　my　eyes；　I　felt　momentarily　I　had　won。　For　all　the　others　on　the　tower　top　were　looking　at　him　with　gazes　mingled　of　disgust　and　fear。　He　had　gone　too　far　for　even　Serene　to　stomach。　White…faced；　he　turned　aside　from　me。　In　that　moment　I　felt　him　reach　a　decision。
　　　　　　　That　evening　in　my　room；　I　was　horribly　tired；　but　too　enervated　to　sleep。　The　Fool　had　left　food　for　Smithy；　and　I　was　teasing　him　with　a　large　beef　knuckle。　He　had　set　his　teeth　in　my　sleeve　and　was　worrying　it　while　I　held　the　bone　just　out　of　his　reach。　It　was　the　sort　of　game　he　loved；　and　he　snarled　with　mock　ferocity　as　he　shook　my　arm。　He　was　near　as　big　as　he　would　get；　and　I　felt　with　pride　the　muscles　in　his　thick　little　neck。　With　my　free　hand；　I　pinched　his　tail　and　he　spun　snarling　to　this　new　attack。　From　hand　to　hand　I　juggled　his　bone；　and　his　eyes　darted　back　and　forth　as　he　snapped　after　it。　〃No　brain；〃　I　teased　him。　〃All　you　can　think　of　is　what　you　want。　No　brain；　no　brain。〃
　　　　　　　〃Just　like　his　owner。〃
　　　　　　　I　startled；　and　in　that　second　Smithy　had　his　bone。　He　flopped　down　with　it；　giving　the　Fool　no　more　than　a　perfunctory　wag　of　his　tail。　I　sat　down；　out　of　breath。　〃I　never　even　heard　the　door　open。　Or　shut。〃
　　　　　　　He　ignored　that　and　went　straight　to　his　topic。　〃Do　you　think　Galen　will　allow　you　to　succeed？〃
　　　　　　　I　grinned　smugly。　〃Do　you　think　he　can　prevent　it？〃
　　　　　　　The　Fool　sat　down　beside　me　with　a　sigh。　〃I　know　he　can。　So　does　he。　What　I　cannot　decide　is　if　he　is　ruthless　enough。　But　I　suspect　he　is。〃
　　　　　　　〃So　let　him　try；〃　I　said　flippantly。
　　　　　　　〃I　have　no　choice　in　that。〃　The　Fool　was　adamantly　serious。　〃What　I　had　hoped　to　do　was　dissuade　you　from　trying。〃
　　　　　　　〃You'd　ask　me　to　give　up？　Now？〃　I　was　incredulous。
　　　　　　　〃I　would。〃
　　　　　　　〃Why？〃　I　demanded。
　　　　　　　〃Because；〃　he　began；　and　then　stopped　in　frustration。　〃I　don't　know。　Too　many　things　converge。　Perhaps　if　I　pluck　one　thread　loose；　the　knot　will　not　form。〃
　　　　　　　I　was　suddenly　tired；　and　the　earlier　elation　o