pgw.uneasymoney-第37节

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　'When　we　had　quarrelswhich　we　should；　as　we　are　both　humanthey　wouldn't　be　over　and　done　with　in　an　hour。　They　would　stick　in　your　mind　and　rankle；　because；　you　see；　they　might　be　proofs　that　I　didn't　really　love　you。　And　then　when　I　seemed　happy　with　you；　you　would　wonder　if　I　was　acting。　I　know　all　this　sounds　morbid　and　exaggerated；　but　it　isn't。　What　have　you　got　to　go　on；　as　regards　me？　What　do　you　really　know　of　me？　If　something　like　this　had　happened　after　we　had　been　married　half　a　dozen　years　and　really　knew　each　other；　we　could　laugh　at　it。　But　we　are　strangers。　We　came　together　and　loved　each　other　because　there　was　something　in　each　of　us　which　attracted　the　other。　We　took　that　little　something　as　a　foundation　and　built　on　it。　But　what　has　happened　has　knocked　away　our　poor　little　foundation。　That's　all。　We　don't　really　know　anything　at　all　about　each　other　for　certain。　It's　just　guesswork。'
　She　broke　off　and　looked　at　the　clock。
　'I　had　better　be　packing　if　you're　to　catch　the　train。'
　He　gave　a　rueful　laugh。
　'You're　throwing　me　out！'
　'Yes；　I　am。　I　want　you　to　go　while　I　am　strong　enough　to　let　you　go。'
　'If　you　really　feel　like　that；　why　send　me　away？'
　'How　do　you　know　I　really　feel　like　that？　How　do　you　know　that　I　am　not　pretending　to　feel　like　that　as　part　of　a　carefully…prepared　plan？'
　He　made　an　impatient　gesture。
　'Yes；　I　know；'　she　said。　'You　think　I　am　going　out　of　my　way　to　manufacture　unnecessary　plications。　I'm　not；　I'm　simply　looking　ahead。　If　I　were　trying　to　trap　you　for　the　sake　of　your　money；　could　I　play　a　stronger　card　than　by　seeming　anxious　to　give　you　up？　If　I　were　to　give　in　now；　sooner　or　later　that　suspicion　would　e　to　you。　You　would　drive　it　away。　You　might　drive　it　away　a　hundred　times。　But　you　couldn't　kill　it。　In　the　end　it　would　beat　you。'
　He　shrugged　his　shoulders　helplessly。
　'I　can't　argue。'
　'Nor　can　I。　I　can　only　put　very　badly　things　which　I　know　are　true。　e　and　pack。'
　'I'll　do　it。　Don't　you　bother。'
　'Nonsense！　No　man　knows　how　to　pack　properly。'
　He　followed　her　to　his　room；　pulled　out　his　suitcase；　the　symbol　of　the　end　of　all　things；　watched　her　as　she　flitted　about；　the　sun　shining　on　her　hair　as　she　passed　and　repassed　the　window。　She　was　picking　things　up；　folding　them；　packing　them。　Bill　looked　on　with　an　aching　sense　of　desolation。　It　was　all　so　friendly；　so　intimate；　so　exactly　as　it　would　have　been　if　she　were　his　wife。　It　seemed　to　him　needlessly　cruel　that　she　should　be　playing　on　this　note　of　domesticity　at　the　moment　when　she　was　barring　for　ever　the　door　between　him　and　happiness。　He　rebelled　helplessly　against　the　attitude　she　had　taken。　He　had　not　thought　it　all　out；　as　she　had　done。　It　was　folly；　insanity；　ruining　their　two　lives　like　this　for　a　scruple。
　Once　again　he　was　to　encounter　that　practical　strain　in　the　feminine　mind　which　jars　upon　a　man　in　trouble。　She　was　holding　something　in　her　hand　and　looking　at　it　with　concern。
　'Why　didn't　you　tell　me？'　she　said。　'Your　socks　are　in　an　awful　state；　poor　boy！'
　He　had　the　feeling　of　having　been　hit　by　something。　A　man　has　not　a　woman's　gift　of　being　able　to　transfer　his　mind　at　will　from　sorrow　to　socks。
　'Like　sieves！'　She　sighed。　A　troubled　frown　wrinkled　her　forehead。　'Men　are　so　helpless！　Oh；　dear；　I'm　sure　you　don't　pay　any　attention　to　anything　important。　I　don't　believe　you　ever　bother　your　head　about　keeping　warm　in　winter　and　not　getting　your　feet　wet。　And　now　I　shan't　be　able　to　look　after　you！'
　Bill's　voice　broke。　He　felt　himself　trembling。
　'Elizabeth！'
　She　was　kneeling　on　the　floor；　her　head　bent　over　the　suitcase。　She　looked　up　and　met　his　eyes。
　'It's　no　use；　Bill；　dear。　I　must。　It's　the　only　way。'
　The　sense　of　the　nearness　of　the　end　broke　down　the　numbness　which　held　him。
　'Elizabeth！　It's　so　utterly　absurd。　It's　justchucking　everything　away！'
　She　was　silent　for　a　moment。
　'Bill；　dear；　I　haven't　said　anything　about　it　before　but　don't　you　see　that　there's　my　side　to　be　considered　too？　I　only　showed　you　that　you　could　never　possibly　know　that　I　loved　you。　How　am　I　to　know　that　you　really　love　me？'
　He　had　moved　a　step　towards　her。　He　drew　back；　chilled。
　'I　can't　do　more　than　tell　you；'　he　said。
　'You　can't。　And　there　you　have　put　in　two　words　just　what　I've　been　trying　to　make　clear　all　the　time。　Don't　you　see　that　that's　the　terrible　thing　about　life；　that　nobody　can　do　more　than　tell　anybody　anything？　Life's　nothing　but　words；　words；　words；　and　how　are　we　to　know　when　words　are　true？　How　am　I　to　know　that　you　didn't　ask　me　to　marry　you　out　of　sheer　pity　and　an　exaggerated　sense　of　justice？'
　He　stared　at　her。
　'That；'　he　said；　'is　absolutely　ridiculous！'
　'Why？　Look　at　it　as　I　should　look　at　it　later　on；　when　whatever　it　is　inside　me　that　tell　me　it's　ridiculous　now　had　died。　Just　at　this　moment；　while　we're　talking　here；　there's　something　stronger　than　reason　which　tells　me　you　really　do　love　me。　But　can't　you　understand　that　that　won't　last？　It's　like　a　candle　burning　on　a　rock　with　the　tide　ing　up　all　round　it。　It's　burning　brightly　enough　now；　and　we　can　see　the　truth　by　the　light　of　it。　But　the　tide　will　put　it　out；　and　then　we　shall　have　nothing　left　to　see　by。　There's　a　great　black　sea　of　suspicion　and　doubt　creeping　up　to　swamp　the　little　spark　of　intuition　inside　us。
　'I　will　tell　you　what　would　happen　to　me　if　I　didn't　send　you　away。　Remember　I　heard　what　that　girl　was　saying　last　night。　Remember　that　you　hated　the　thought　of　depriving　me　of　Uncle　Ira's　money　so　much　that　your　first　act　was　to　try　to　get　me　to　accept　half　of　it。　The　quixotic　thing　is　the　first　that　it　occurs　to　you　to　do；　because　you're　like　that；　because　you're　the　straightest；　whitest　man　I've　ever　known　or　shall　know。　Could　anything　be　more　likely；　looking　at　it　as　I　should　later　on；　than　that　you　should　have　hit　on　the　idea　of　marrying　me　as　the　only　way　of　undoing　the　wrong　you　thought　you　had　done　me？　I've　been　foolish　about　obligations　all　my　life。　I've　a　sort　of　morbid　pride　that　hates　the　thought　of　owing　anything　to　anybody；　of　getting　anything　that　I　have　not　earned。　By　and　by；　if　I　were　to　marry　you；　a　little　rotten　speck　of　doubt　would　begin　to　eat　its　way　farther　and　farther　into　me。　It　would　be　the　same　with　you。　We　should　react　on　each　other。　We　should　be　watching　each　other；　testing　each　other；　trying　each　other　out　all　the　time。　It　would　be　horrible；　horrible！'
　He　started　to　speak；　then；　borne　down　by　the　hopelessness　of　it；　stopped。　Elizabeth　stood　up。　They　did　not　look　at　each　other。　He　strapped　the　suitcase　and　picked　it　up。　The　end　of　all　things　was　at　hand。
　'Better　to　end　it　all　cleanly；　Bill；'　she　said；　in　a　low　voice。　'It　will　hurt　less。'
　He　did　not　speak。
　'I'll　e　down　to　the　gate　with　you。'
　They　walked　in　silence　down　the　drive。　The　air　was　heavy　with　contentment。　He　hummed　a　tune。
　'Good…bye；　Bill；　dear。'
　He　took　her　hand　dully。
　'Good…bye；'　he　said。
　Elizabeth　stood　at　the　gate；　watching。　He　swung　down　the　road　with　long　strides。　At　the　bend　he　turned　and　for　a　moment　stood　there；　as　if　waiting　for　her　to　make　some　sign。　Then　he　fell　into　his　stride　again　and　was　gone。　Elizabeth　leaned　on　the　gate。　Her　face　was　twisted；　and　she　clutched　the　warm　wood　as　if　it　gave　her　strength。
　The　grounds　were　very　empty。　The　spirit　of　loneliness　brooded　on　them。　Elizabeth　walked　slowly　back　to　the　house。　Nutty　was　ing　towards　her　from　the　orchard。
　'Halloa！'　said　Nutty。　　He　was　cheerful　and　debonair。　His　little　eyes　were　alight　with　contentment。　He　hummed　a　tune。
　'Where's　Dawlish？'　he　said。
　'He　has　gone。'
　Nutty's　tune　failed　in　the　middle　of　a　bar。　Something　in　his　sister's　voice　startled　him。　The　glow　of　contentment　gave　way　to　a　look　of　alarm。
　'Gone？　How　do　you　meangone？　You　don't　meangone？'
　'Yes。'
　'Gone　away？'
　'Gone　away。'
　They　had　reached　the　house　before　he　spoke　again。
　'You　don't　meangone　away？'
　'Yes。'
　'Do　you　meangone　away？'
　'Yes。'
　'You　aren't　going　to　marry　him？'
　'No。'
　The　world　stood　still。　The　noise　of　the　crickets　and　all　the　little　sounds　of　summer　smote　on　Nutty's　ear　in　one　discordant　shriek。
　'Oh；　gosh！'　he　exclaimed；　faintly；　and　collapsed　on　the　front　steps　like　a　jelly…fish。
　
　23
　The　spectacle　of　Nutty　in　his　anguish　did　not　touch　Elizabeth。　Normally　a　kind…hearted　girl；　she　was　not　in　the　least　sorry　for　him。　She　had　even　taken　a　bitter　pleasure　and　found　a　momentary　relief　in　loosing　the　thunderbolt　which　had　smitten　him　down。　Even　if　it　has　to　manufacture　it；　misery　loves　pany。　She　watched　Nutty　with　a　cold　and　uninterested　eye　as　he　opened　his　mouth　feebly；　shut　it　again　and　reopened　it；　and　then　when　it　became　apparent　that　these　manoeuvres　were　about　to　result　in　speech；　she　left　him　and　walked　quickly　down　the　drive　again。　She　had　the　feeling　that　if　Nutty　were　to　begin　to　ask　her　questionsand　he　had　the　aspect　of　one　who　is　about　to　ask　a　thousandshe　would　break　down。　She　wanted　solitude　and　movement；　so　she　left　Nutty　sitting　and　started　for　the　gate。　Presently　she　would　go　and　do　things　among　the　beehives；　and　after　that；　if　that　brought　no　solace；　she　would　go　in　and　turn　the　house　upside　down　and　get　dusty　and　tired。　Anyt