sk.carrie-第13节

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l　the　dirt　under。　Good…bye。
She　opened　her　eyes。　She　looked　at　the　hairbrush　on　her　bureau。
Flex。
She　was　lifting　the　hairbrush。　It　was　heavy。　It　was　like　lifting　a　barbell　with　very　weak　arms。　Oh。　Grunt。
The　hairbrush　slid　to　the　edge　of　the　bureau；　slid　out　past　the　point　where　gravity　should　have　toppled　it；　and　then　dangled；　as　if　on　an　invisible　string。　Carrie's　eyes　had　closed　to　slits。　Veins　pulsed　in　her　temples。　A　doctor　might　have　been　interested　in　what　her　body　was　doing　at　that　instant；　it　made　no　rational　sence。　Respiration　had　fallen　to　sixteen　breaths　per　minute。　Blood　pressure　up　to　190/100。　Heartbeat　up　to　140　…　higher　than　astronauts　under　the　heavy　g…load　of　lift…off。　Temperature　down　to　94。3。　Her　body　was　burning　energy　that　seemed　to　be　ing　from　nowhere　and　seemed　to　be　going　nowhere。　An　electroencephalogram　would　have　shown　alpha　waves　that　were　no　longer　waves　at　all；　but　great；　jagged　spikes。
She　let　the　hairbrush　down　carefully。　Good。　Last　night　she　had　dropped　it。　Lose　all　your　points；　go　to　jail。
She　closed　her　eyes　again　and　rocked。　Physical　functions　began　to　revert　to　the　norm；　her　respiration　speeded　until　she　was　nearly　panting。　The　rocker　had　a　slight　squeak。　Wasn't　annoying；　though。　Was　soothing。　Rock；　rock。　Clear　your　mind。
'Carrie？'　Her　mother's　voice；　slightly　disturbed；　floated　up。
（she's　getting　interference　like　the　radio　when　you　turn　on　the　blender　good　good）
'Have　you　said　your　prayers；　Carrie？'
'I'm　saying　them；'　she　called　back。
Yes。　She　was　saying　them；　all　right。
She　looked　at　her　small　studio　bed。
Flex。
Tremendous　weight。　Huge。　Unbearable。
The　bed　trembled　and　then　the　end　came　up　perhaps　three　inches。
It　dropped　with　a　crash。　She　waited；　a　small　smile　playing　about　her　lips；　for　Momma　to　call　upstairs　angrily。　She　didn't。　So　Carrie　got　up；　went　to　her　bed。　and　slid　between　the　cool　sheets。　Her　head　ached　and　she　felt　giddy；　as　she　always　did　after　these　exercise　sessions。　Her　heart　was　pounding　in　a　fierce；　scary　way。
She　reached　over；　turned　off　the　light；　and　lay　back。　No　pillow。　Momma　didn't　allow　her　a　pillow。
She　thought　of　imps　and　families　and　witches。
（am　i　a　witch　momma　the　devil's　whore）
riding　through　the　night；　souring　milk；　overturning　butter　chums；　blighting　crops　while　They　huddled　inside　their　houses　with　hex　signs　scrawled　on　Their　doors。
She　closed　her　eyes；　slept；　and　dreamed　of　huge；　living　stones　crashing　through　the　night；　seeking　out　Momma；　seeking　out　Them。　They　were　trying　to　run；　trying　to　hide。　But　the　rock　would　not　hide　them；　the　dead　tree　gave　no　shelter。
From　My　Name　is　Susan　Snell；　by　Susan　Snell　（New　York：　Simon　&　Schuster；　1986）；　pp。　i…iv：
There's　one　thing　no　one　has　understood　about　what　happened　in　Chamberlain　on　Prom　Night。　The　press　hasn't　understood　it；　the　scientists　at　Duke　University　haven't　understood　it；　David　Congress　hasn't　understood　it　…　although　his　The　Shadow　Exploded　is　probably　the　only　half…decent　book　written　on　the　subject　…　and　certainly　The　White　mission；　which　used　me　as　a　handy　scapegoat；　did　not　understand　it。
This　one　thing　is　the　most　fundamental　fact：　We　were　kids。
Carrie　was　seventeen；　Chris　Hargensen　was　seventeen；　I　was　seventeen；　Tommy　Ross　was　eighteen；　Billy　Nolan　（who　spent　a　year　repeating　the　ninth　grade；　presumably　before　he　learned　how　to　shoot　his　cuffs　during　examinations）　was　nineteen　。。。
Older　kids　react　in　more　socially　acceptable　ways　than　younger　kids；　but　they　still　have　a　way　of　making　bad　decisions；　of　over…reacting；　or　underestimating。
In　the　first　section　which　follows　this　introduction　I　must　show　these　tendencies　in　myself　as　well　as　I　am　able。　Yet　the　matter　which　I　am　going　to　discuss　is　at　the　root　of　my　involvement　in　Prom　Night；　and　if　I　am　to　clear　my　name；　I　must　begin　by　recalling　scenes　which　I　find　particularly　painful　。。。
I　have　told　this　story　before；　most　notoriously　before　The　White　mission；　which　received　it　with　incredulity。　In　the　wake　of　two　hundred　deaths　and　the　destruction　of　an　entire　town；　it　is　so　easy　to　forget　one　thing。　We　were　kids。　We　were　kids。　We　were　kids　trying　to　do　our　best　。。。
'You　must　be　crazy。'
He　blinked　at　her；　not　willing　to　believe　that　he　had　actually　heard　it。　They　were　at　his　house；　and　the　television　was　on　but　forgotten。　His　mother　had　gone　over　to　visit　Mrs　Klein　across　the　street　His　father　was　in　the　cellar　workroom　making　a　bird…house。
Sue　looked　unfortable　but　determined。　'Ifs　the　way　I　want　it；　Tommy。'
'Well；　it's　not　the　way　I　want　it。　I　think　ifs　the　craziest　goddam　thing　I　ever　heard。　Like　something　you　might　do　on　a　bet。'
Her　face　tightened。　'Oh？　I　thought　you　were　the　one　doing　the　big　speeches　the　other　night。　But　when　it　es　to　putting　your　money　where　your　big　fat　mouth
'Wait；　whoa。'　He　was　unoffended；　grinning。　'I　didn't　say　no；　did　I？　Not　yet；　anyway。'
'YOU　…'
'Wait　Just　wait。　Let　me　talk。　You　want　me　to　ask　Carrie　White　to　the　Spring　Ball。　Okay；　I　got　that。　But　there's　a　couple　of　things　I　don't　understand。'
‘Name　them。'　She　leaned　forward。
'First；　what　good　would　it　do？　And　second；　what　makes　YOU　think　shed　say　yes　if　I　asked　her？'
'Not　say　yes！　Why　…　'　She　floundered。　'You're　。。。　everybody　likes　you　and…'
'We　both　know　Carrie's　got　no　reason　to　care　much　for　people　that　everybody　likes。'
'She'd　go　with　you。'
'Why？'
Pressed；　she　looked　defiant　and　proud　at　the　same　time。　'I've　seen　the　way　she　looks　at　you。　She's　got　a　crush。　Like　half　the　girls　at　Ewen。'
He　rolled　his　eyes。
'Well；　I'm　just　telling　you；'　Sue　said　defensively。　'She　won't　be　able　to　say　no。'
'Suppose　I　believe　you；'　he　said。　'What　about　the　other　thing？'
'You　mean　what　good　will　it　do？　Why　it'll；　bring　her　out　of　her　shell；　of　course。　Make　her。。。'　She　trailed　off
'A　part　of　things？　e　on；　Suze。　You　don't　believe　that　bullshit。'
'All　right；'　she　said。　'Maybe　I　don't。　But　maybe　I　still　think　I've　got　something　to　make　up　for。'
'The　shower　room？'
'A　lot　more　than　that。　Maybe　if　that　was　all　I　could　let　it　go；　but　the　mean　tricks　have　been　going　on　ever　since　grammar　school。　I　wasn't　in　on　many　of　them；　but　I　was　on　some。　If　I'd　been　in　Chris's　group；　I　bet　I　would　have　been　in　on　even　more。　It　seemed　like。　。　oh；　a　big　laugh。　Girls　can　be　cat…mean　about　that　sort　of　thing；　and　boys　don't　really　understand。　The　boys　would　tease　Carrie　for　a　little　while　and　then　forget；　but　the　girls　。。。　it　went　on　and　on　and　on　and　I　can't　even　remember　where　it　started　any　more。　If　I　were　Carrie；　I　couldn't　even　face　showing　myself　to　the　world。　I'd　just　find　a　big　rock　and　hide　under　it。'
'You　were　kids；'　he　said。　'Kids　don't　know　what　they're　doing。　Kids　don't　even　know　their　reactions　really；　actually；　hurt　other　people。　They　have　no；　uh；　empathy。　Dig？'
She　found　herself　struggling　to　express　the　thought　this　called　up　in　her；　for　it　suddenly　seemed　basic；　bulking　over　the　shower…room　incident　the　way　sky　bulks　over　mountains。
'But　hardly　anybody　ever　finds　out　that　their　actions　really；　actually　hurt　other　people！　People　don't　get　better；　they　just　get　smarter。　When　you　get　smarter　you　don't　stop　pulling　the　wings　off　flies　you　just　think　of　better　reasons　for　doing　it。　Lots　of　kids　say　they　feel　sorry　for　Carrie　White…mostly　girls；　and　that's　a　laugh…but　I　bet　none　of　them　understand　what　it's　like　to　be　Carrie　White；　every　second　of　every　day。　And　they　don't　really　care。'
'Do　you？'
'I　don't　know！'　she　cried。　'But　someone　ought　to　try　and　be　sorry　in　a　way　that　counts　。。。　in　a　way　that　means　something。'。
'All　right。　I'll　ask　her。'
'You　will？'　The　statement　came　out　in　a　flat；　surprised　way。　She　had　not　thought　he　actually　would。
'Yea。　But　I　think　she'll　say　no。　You've　overestimated　my　box…office　appeal。　That　popularity　stuff　is　bullshit。　You've　got　a　bee　in　your　bonnet　about　that。'
'Thank　you；'　she　said；　and　it　sounded　odd；　as　if　she　had　thanked　an　Inquisitor　for　torture。
'I　love　you；'　he　said。
She　looked　at　him；　startled。　It　was　the　first　time　he　had　said　it。
From　My　Name　is　Susan　Snell　（p。　6）：
There　are　lots　of　people…mostly　men…who　aren't　surprised　that　I　asked　Tommy　to　take　Carrie　to　the　Spring　Ball。　They　are　surprised　that　he　did　it；　though；　which　shows　you　that　the　male　mind　expects　very　little　in　the　way　of　altruism　from　its　fellows。
Tommy　took　her　because　he　loved　me　and　because　it　was　what　I　wanted。　How；　asks　the　sceptic　from　the　balcony；　did　you　know　he　loved　you？　Because　he　told　me　so；　mister。　And　if　you'd　known　him；　that　would　have　been　good　enough　for　you；　too　。。。
He　asked　her　on　Thursday；　after　lunch；　and　found　himself　as　nervous　as　a　kid　going　to　his　first　ice…cream　party。
She　sat　four　rows　over　from　him　in　Period　Five　study　hall；　and　when　it　was　over　he　cut　across　to　her　through　the　mass　of　rushing　bodies。　At　the　teacher's　desk　Mr　Stephens；　a　tall　man　just　beginning　to　run　to　fat；　was　folding　papers　abstractedly　back　into　his　ratty　brown　briefcase。
'Carrie？'
'Ohuh？'
She　looked　up　from　her　books　with　a　startled　wince；　as　if　expecting　a　blow。　The　day　was　overcast　and　the　bank　of　fluorescents　embedded　in　the　ceiling　was　not　particularly　kind　to　her　pale　plexion。　But　he　saw　for　the　first　time　（because　it　was　the　first　time　he　had　really　looked）　that　she　was　far　from　repulsive。　Her　face　was　round　rather　than　o