lmb.shardsofhonor-第36节

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　〃Vorkosigan's　the　bravest　man　I　ever　met。〃
　Gould　took　her　firmly　by　the　upper　arm；　and　guided　her　to　the　shuttle　hatch。　〃We　have　to　go；　now；　to　make　the　holovid　timing。　Maybe　you　can　just　leave　that　line　out；　all　right？　Now；　smile。〃
　〃I　want　to　see　my　mother。〃
　〃She's　with　the　President。　Here　we　go。〃　They　exited　the　tube　from　the　shuttle　hatch　into　a　milling　mob　of　men；　women；　and　equipment。　They　all　began　shouting　questions　at　once。　Cordelia　began　to　shake；　all　over；　in　waves　that　began　in　the　pit　of　her　stomach　and　radiated　outward。　〃I　don't　know　any　of　these　people；〃　she　hissed　to　Gould。
　〃Keep　walking；〃　he　hissed　back　through　a　fixed　smile。　They　mounted　a　reviewing　stand　set　up　on　the　balcony　overlooking　the　shuttleport　concourse。　The　concourse　was　packed　solidly　with　a　colorful　crowd　in　a　holiday　mood。　They　blurred　before　Cordelia's　eyes。　She　saw　a　familiar　face　at　last；　her　mother；　smiling　and　crying；　and　she　fell　into　her　arms；　to　the　delight　of　the　press　who　recorded　it　copiously。　〃Get　me　out　of　this　as　fast　as　you　can；〃　she　whispered　fiercely　into　her　mother's　ear。　〃I'm　about　to　lose　it。〃
　Her　mother　held　her　at　arm's　length；　not　understanding；　still　smiling。　Her　place　was　taken　by　Cordelia's　brother；　his　family　clustered　nervously　and　proudly　behind　him；　looking　at　her；　she　felt；　with　eyes　that　devoured　her。　She　spotted　her　crew；　also　dressed　in　the　new　uniforms；　standing　with　some　government　officials。　Parnell　gave　her　a　thumbs…up；　grinning　dementedly。　She　was　bundled　over　to　stand　behind　a　rostrum　with　the　President　of　Beta　Colony。
　Steady　Freddy　seemed　larger　than　life　to　her　confused　eyes；　big　and　booming。　Perhaps　that　was　why　he　projected　over　the　holovid　so　well。　He　grasped　her　hand　and　held　it　up　in　his；　to　the　cheers　of　the　crowd。　It　made　her　feel　like　an　idiot。
　The　President　gave　a　fine　performance　with　his　speech；　not　even　using　the　prompter。　It　was　full　of　the　jingoistic　patriotism　that　had　so　intoxicated　the　place　when　she'd　left；　and　not　one　word　in　a　dozen　touched　the　real　truth　even　from　the　Betan　point　of　view。　He　worked　up　gradually　and　with　perfect　showmanship　to　the　medal。　Cordelia's　heart　began　to　pound　lumpishly　as　she　caught　the　drift　of　it。　She　tried　desperately　to　evade　the　knowledge；　turning　to　the　Press　Secretary。
　〃Is　this　on　behalf　of　m…my　crew；　for　the　plasma　mirrors？〃
　〃They　have　theirs　already。〃　Was　he　ever　going　to　stop　smiling？　〃This　is　your　very　own。〃
　〃I　s…see。〃
　The　medal；　it　appeared；　was　to　be　awarded　for　her　brave；　one…woman　assassination　of　Admiral　Vorrutyer。　Steady　Freddy　actually　avoided　the　word　assassination；　along　with　blunt　terms　like　murder　and　killing；　favoring　more　liquid　phrases　like　〃freeing　the　universe　of　a　viper　of　iniquity。〃
　The　speech　lumbered　to　its　close；　and　the　glittering　medal　on　its　colorful　ribbon；　Beta　Colony's　highest　honor；　was　lowered　over　her　head　by　the　President's　own　hand。　Gould　positioned　her　in　front　of　the　rostrum；　and　pointed　out　the　glowing　green　words　of　the　prompter　marching　across　thin　air　before　her　eyes。　〃Start　reading；〃　he　whispered。
　〃Am　I　on？　Oh；　Uh。。。　People　of　Beta　Colony；　my　beloved　home；〃　that　was　all　right　so　far；　〃when　I　left　you　to　meet　the　m…menace　of　Barrayaran　tyranny；　s…succoring　our　friend　and　ally　Escobar；　it　was　with　no　idea　that　fate　was　to　bring　me　face…to…face　with　a　n…nobler　d…destiny。〃
　It　was　here　she　departed　from　the　script；　watching　herself　go　helplessly；　like　a　doomed　sea　ship　sinking　beneath　the　waves。　〃I　don't　see　what's　so　n…noble　about　b…butchering　that　sadistic　ass　Vorrutyer。　And　I　wouldn't　take　a　medal　for　m…murdering　an　unarmed　m…man　even　if　I　had　done　it。〃
　She　pulled　it　off　over　her　head。　The　ribbon　caught　in　her　hair；　and　she　yanked　it　free；　painfully；　angrily。　〃For　the　last　time。　I　did　not　kill　Vorrutyer。　One　of　his　own　men　killed　Vorrutyer。　He　c…caught　him　from　behind　and　cut　his　throat　from　ear　to　ear。　I　was　there；　damn　it。　He　bled　all　over　me。　The　press　from　both　sides　are　stuffing　you　with　lies　about　that　s…stupid　war。　D…damn　voyeurs！　Vorkosigan　was　not　in　charge　of　the　prison　camp　when　the　atrocities　took　place。　As　s…soon　as　he　was　in　charge　he　stopped　them。　Sh…sh…shot　one　of　his　own　officers　just　to　feed　your　l…lust　for　vengeance；　and　it　cost　him　in　his　honor；　too；　I　can　tell　you。〃
　The　sound　going　out　from　the　rostrum　was　cut　off　suddenly。　She　turned　to　Steady　Freddy；　tears　of　fury　blurring　her　view　of　his　astonished　face；　and　flung　the　medal　back　at　him　with　all　the　force　of　her　arm。　It　missed　his　head　and　glittered　down　over　the　balcony　into　the　crowd。
　Her　arms　were　pinned　from　behind。　It　triggered　some　buried　reflex；　and　she　kicked　out　frantically。
　If　only　the　President　hadn't　tried　to　dodge；　he　would　have　been　all　right。　As　it　was；　the　toe　of　her　jackboot　caught　him　in　the　groin　with　perfect　unplanned　accuracy。　His　mouth　made　a　soundless　〃O〃　and　he　went　down　behind　the　rostrum。
　Cordelia；　hyperventilating　uncontrollably；　began　to　cry　as　a　dozen　more　hands　grabbed　her　arms；　waist；　legs。　〃P…please　don't　lock　me　up　again！　I　couldn't　take　it。　I　just　wanted　to　go　home！　Get　that　goddamn　ampule　away　from　me！　No！　No！　No　drugs；　please；　please！　I'm　sorry！〃
　She　was　hustled　out；　and　the　media　event　of　the　year　collapsed　just　like　Steady　Freddy。
　She　was　taken　to　a　quiet　room；　one　of　the　shuttleport's　administrative　offices；　immediately　afterwards。　The　President's　personal　physician　arrived　after　a　time　and　took　charge；　had　everyone　removed　but　himself　and　her　mother；　and　gave　her　some　breathing　space　to　regain　her　self…control。　It　took　her　almost　an　hour　to　stop　crying；　once　she　had　started。　The　embarrassment　and　outrage　stopped　seesawing　at　last；　and　she　was　able　to　sit　up　and　talk　in　a　voice　like　a　bad　cold。
　〃Please　apologize　to　the　President　for　me。　If　only　someone　had　warned　me；　or　asked　me　about　it　first。　I'm…n…not　in　very　good　shape　right　now。〃
　〃We　should　have　realized　it　ourselves；〃　said　the　physician　sorrowfully。　〃Your　ordeal；　after　all；　was　much　more　personal　than　the　usual　soldier's　experience。　It　is　we　who　must　apologize；　for　subjecting　you　to　an　unnecessary　strain。〃
　〃We　thought　it　would　be　a　nice　surprise；〃　added　her　mother。
　〃It　was　a　surprise；　all　right。　I　only　hope　I　don't　get　myself　locked　in　a　padded　cell。　I'm　a　bit　off　cells　at　the　moment。〃　The　thought　tightened　her　throat；　and　she　breathed　carefully　to　calm　back　down。
　She　wondered　where　Vorkosigan　was　now；　what　he　was　doing。　Getting　drunk　sounded　better　all　the　time；　and　she　wished　she　were　with　him；　doing　so。　She　pressed　thumb　and　forefinger　to　the　bridge　of　her　nose；　rubbing　out　the　tension。　〃May　I　be　permitted　to　go　home　now？〃
　〃Is　there　still　a　crowd　out　there？〃　asked　her　mother。
　〃I'm　afraid　so。　We'll　try　to　keep　them　back。〃
　With　the　doctor　on　one　side　and　her　mother　on　the　other；　she　dwelt　in　Vorkosigan's　kiss　all　during　the　long　walk　to　her　mother's　groundcar。　The　crowd　still　pressed　upon　her；　but　in　a　hushed；　respectful；　almost　frightened　way；　a　great　contrast　to　their　earlier　holiday　mood。　She　felt　sorry　to　have　taken　away　their　party。
　There　was　a　crowd　at　her　mothers　apartment　shaft　too；　in　the　foyer　by　the　lift　tubes；　and　even　in　the　hallway　to　her　door。　Cordelia　smiled　and　waved　a　little；　cautiously；　but　just　shook　her　head　at　questions；　not　trusting　herself　to　speak　coherently。　They　made　their　way　through　and　closed　the　door　at　last。
　〃Whew！　I　suppose　they　meant　well；　but　my　Lord…I　felt　like　they　wanted　to　eat　me　alive。〃
　〃There　was　so　much　excitement　about　the　war；　and　the　Expeditionary　Force…anyone　in　a　blue　uniform　is　getting　star　treatment。　And　when　the　prisoners　got　home；　and　your　story　came　out…I'm　glad　I　knew　you　were　safe　by　then。　My　poor　darling！〃　Cordelia　got　another　hug；　and　weled　it。
　〃Well；　that　explains　where　they　got　the　nonsense。　It　was　the　wildest　rumor。　The　Barrayarans　started　it；　and　everyone　just　ate　it　up。　I　couldn't　stop　it。〃
　〃What　did　they　do　to　you？〃
　〃They　kept　following　me　around；　pestering　me　with　these　offers　of　therapy…they　thought　the　Barrayarans　had　been　messing　with　my　memory。。。　Oh；　I　see。　You　mean；　what　did　the　Barrayarans　do　to　me。　Nothing　much。　V…vorrutyer　might　have　liked　to；　but　he　met　with　his　accident　before　he'd　got　half　started。〃　She　decided　not　to　disturb　her　mother　with　the　details。　〃Something　important　did　happen；　though。〃　She　hesitated。　〃I　ran　into　Aral　Vorkosigan　again。〃
　〃That　horrible　man？　I　wondered；　when　I　heard　the　name　in　the　news；　if　it　was　the　same　fellow　who　killed　your　Lieutenant　Rosemont　last　year。〃
　〃No。　Yes。　I　mean；　he　didn't　kill　Rosemont；　one　of　his　people　did。　But　he's　the　same　one。〃
　〃I　don't　understand　why　you're　so　sympathetic　to　him。〃
　〃You　ought　to　appreciate　him　now。　He　saved　my　life。　Hid　me　in　his　cabin；　during　those　missing　two　days　after　Vorrutyer　was　killed。　I'd　have　been　executed　for　it；　if　they'd　caught　me　before　the　change　in　mand。〃
　Her　mother　looked　more　disturbed　than　appreciative。　〃Did　he…do　anything　to　you？〃
　The　question　was　filled　with　unanswerable　irony。　Cordelia　dared　not　tell　even　her　mother　about　the　intolerable　burden　of　truth　he　had　laid　on　her。　Her　mother　misunderstood　the　haunted　look　on　her　face。
　〃Oh；　dear。　I'm　so　sorry。〃
　〃Huh？　No；　damn　it。