srdonaldson.theillearthwar-第3节

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　At　times　like　that；　he　found　bitter　consolation　in　psychological　studies　where　a　subject　was　sealed　off　from　all　sensory　input；　made　blind；　deaf；　silent；　and　immobile；　and　as　a　result　began　to　experience　the　most　horrendous　hallucinations。　If　conscious　normal　men　and　women　could　be　placed　so　much　at　the　mercy　of　their　own　inner　chaos；　surely　one　abject　leper　in　a　a　could　have　a　dream　that　was　worse　than　chaos　…a　dream　specifically　self…designed　to　drive　him　mad。　At　least　what　had　happened　to　him　did　not　altogether　surpass　prehension。
　Thus　in　one　way　or　another　he　survived　the　days　for　nearly　three　weeks　after　the　fire。　At　times　he　was　almost　aware　that　the　unresolved　stress　within　him　was　building　toward　a　crisis；　but　repeatedly　he　repressed　the　knowledge；　drove　the　idea　down　with　anger。　He　did　not　believe　he　could　endure　another　ordeal；　he　had　handled　the　first　one　so　badly。
　But　even　the　concentrated　vitriol　of　his　anger　was　not　potent　enough　to　protect　him　indefinitely。　One　Thursday　morning；　when　he　faced　himself　in　the　mirror　to　shave；　the　crisis　abruptly　surged　up　in　him；　and　his　hand　began　to　shake　so　severely　that　he　had　to　drop　the　razor　in　the　sink　in　order　to　avoid　cutting　his　jugular。
　Events　in　the　Land　were　not　plete。　By　regaining　the　Staff　of　Law；　the　Lords　had　done　exactly　what　Lord　Foul　wanted　them　to　do。　That　was　just　the　first　step　in　Foul's　plotting…machinations　which　had　begun　when　he　had　summoned　Covenant's　white　gold　ring　to　the　Land。　He　would　not　be　done　until　he　had　gained　the　power　of　life　and　death　over　that　entire　Earth。　And　to　do　that；　Foul　needed　the　wild　magic　of　the　white　gold。
　Covenant　stared　desperately　at　himself　in　the　mirror；　trying　to　retain　a　grip　on　his　own　actuality。　But　he　saw　nothing　in　his　own　eyes　capable　of　defending　him。
　He　had　been　deluded　once。
　It　could　happen　again。
　Again？　he　cried；　in　a　voice　so　forlorn　that　it　sounded　like　the　wail　of　an　abandoned　child。　Again？　He　could　not　master　what　had　happened　to　him　in　his　first　delusion；　how　could　he　so　much　as　live　through　a　second？
　He　was　on　the　verge　of　calling　the　doctors　at　the　leprosarium…calling　them　to　beg！…when　he　recovered　some　of　his　leper's　intransigence。　He　would　not　have　survived　this　long　if　he　had　not　possessed　some　kind　of　fundamental　capacity　to　refuse　defeat　if　not　despair；　and　that　capacity　stopped　him　now。　What　could　I　tell　them　that　they　would　believe？　he　rasped。　I　don't　believe　it　myself。
　The　people　of　the　Land　had　called　him　the　Unbeliever。　Now　he　found　that　he　would　have　to　earn　that　title　whether　the　Land　actually　existed　or　not。
　And　for　the　next　two　days　he　strove　to　earn　it　with　a　grimness　which　was　as　close　as　he　could　e　to　courage。　He　only　made　one　promise：　since　his　hands　shook　so　badly；　he　shaved　with　an　electric　razor；　pushing　it　roughly　at　his　face　as　if　he　were　trying　to　remold　his　features。　Beyond　that；　he　acknowledged　nothing。　At　night；　his　heart　quivered　so　tangibly　in　his　chest　that　he　could　not　sleep；　but　he　clenched　his　teeth　and　did　without　sleep。　Between　himself　and　delusion　he　placed　a　wall　of　DDS　and　VSEs；　and　whenever　delusion　threatened　to　breach　his　defense；　he　drove　it　back　with　curses。
　But　Saturday　morning　came；　and　still　he　could　not　silence　the　dread　which　made　his　hands　shake。
　Then　at　last　he　decided　to　risk　going　among　his　fellow　human　beings　once　more。　He　needed　their　actuality；　their　affirmation　of　the　reality　he　understood；　even　their　revulsion　toward　his　illness。　He　knew　of　no　other　antidote　to　delusion；　he　could　no　longer　face　his　dilemma　alone。
　
　
　TWO：　Halfhand
　
　BUT　that　decision　itself　was　full　of　fear；　and　he　did　not　act　on　it　until　evening。　He　spent　most　of　the　day　cleaning　his　house　as　if　he　did　not　expect　to　return　to　it。　Then；　late　in　the　afternoon；　he　shaved　with　the　electric　razor　and　showered　meticulously。　For　the　sake　of　prudence；　he　put　on　a　tough　pair　of　jeans；　and　laced　his　feet　into　heavy　boots；　but　over　his　T…shirt　he　wore　a　dress　shirt；　tie；　and　sports　coat；　so　that　the　informality　of　his　jeans　and　boots　would　not　be　held　against　him。　His　wallet…generally　so　useless　to　him　that　he　did　not　carry　it…he　placed　in　his　coat　pocket。　And　into　a　pocket　of　his　trousers　he　stuffed　a　small；　sharp　penknife…a　knife　which　he　habitually　took　with　him　in　case　he　lost　control　of　his　defensive　concentration；　and　needed　something　dangerous　to　help　him　refocus　himself。　Finally；　as　the　sun　was　setting；　he　walked　down　his　long　driveway　to　the　road；　where　he　extended　his　thumb　to　hitch　a　ride　away　from　town。
　The　next　place　down　the　road　was　ten　miles　from　Haven　Farm；　and　it　was　bigger　than　the　town　where　he　had　had　his　accident。　He　headed　for　it　because　he　was　less　likely　to　be　recognized　there。　But　his　first　problem　was　to　find　a　safe　ride。　If　any　of　the　local　motorists　spotted　him；　he　was　in　trouble　from　the　beginning。
　In　the　first　few　minutes；　three　cars　went　by　without　stopping。　The　occupants　stared　at　him　in　passing　as　if　he　were　some　kind　of　minor　freak；　but　none　of　the　drivers　slowed　down。　Then；　as　the　last　sunlight　faded　into　dusk；　a　large　truck　came　toward　him。　He　waved　his　thumb；　and　the　truck　rode　to　a　halt　just　past　him　on　the　loud　hissing　of　air　brakes。　He　climbed　up　to　the　door；　and　was　gestured　into　the　cab　by　the　driver。
　The　man　was　chewing　over　a　black　stubby　cigar；　and　the　air　in　the　cab　was　thick　with　smoke。　But　through　the　dull　haze；　Covenant　could　see　that　he　was　big　and　burly；　with　a　distended　paunch；　and　one　heavy　arm　that　moved　over　the　steering　wheel　like　a　piston；　turning　the　truck　easily。　He　had　only　that　one　arm；　his　right　sleeve　was　empty；　and　pinned　to　his　shoulder。　Covenant　understood　dismemberment；　and　he　felt　a　pang　of　sympathy　for　the　driver。
　〃Where　to；　buddy？〃　the　big　man　asked　fortably。
　Covenant　told　him。
　〃No　problem；〃　he　responded　to　a　tentative　inflection　in　Covenant's　tone。　〃I'm　going　right　through　there。〃　As　the　automatic　transmission　whined　upward　through。　its　gears；　he　spat　his　cigar　out　the　window；　then　let　go　of　the　wheel　to　unwrap　and　light　a　new　smoke。　While　his　hand　was　busy；　he　braced　the　wheel　with　his　belly。　The　green　light　of　the　instrument　panel　did　not　reach　his　face；　but　the　glow　of　the　cigar　coal　illuminated　massive　features　whenever　he　inhaled。　In　the　surging　red；　his　face　looked　like　a　pile　of　boulders。
　With　his　new　smoke　going；　he　rested　his　arm　on　the　wheel　like　a　sphinx；　and　abruptly　began　talking。　He　had　something　on　his　mind。
　〃You　live　around　here？〃
　Covenant　said　nonmittally；　〃Yes〃
　〃How　long？　You　know　the　people？〃
　〃After　a　fashion。〃
　〃You　know　this　leper…this　Thomas　something…or…other　Thomas　Covenant？〃
　Covenant　flinched　in　the　gloom　of　the　cab。　To　disguise　his　distress；　he　shifted　his　position　on　the　seat。　Awkwardly；　he　asked；　〃What's　your　interest？〃
　〃Me？　I　got　no　interest。　Just　passing　through…hauling　my　ass　where　they　give　me　a　load　to　go。　I　never　even　been　around　here　before。　But　where　I　et　at　back　in　town　I　heard　talk　about　this　guy。　So　I　ask　the　broad　at　the　counter；　and　she　damn　near　yaks　my　ear　off。　One　question…and　I　get　instant　mouth　with　everything　I　eat。　You　know　what　a　leper　is？〃
　Covenant　squirmed。　〃After　a　fashion。〃
　〃Well；　it's　a　mess；　let　me　tell　you。　My　old　lady　reads　about　this　stuff　all　the　time　in　the　Bible。　Dirty　beggars。　Unclean。　I　didn't　know　there　was　creeps　like　that　in　America。　But　that's　what　we're　ing　to。　You　know　what　I　think？〃
　〃What　do　you　think？〃　Covenant　asked　dimly。
　〃I　think　them　lepers　ought　to　leave　decent　folks　alone。　Like　that　broad　at　the　counter。　She's　okay；　even　with　that　motor　mouth；　but　there　she　is；　juiced　to　the　gills　on　account　of　some　sick　bastard。　That　Covenant　guy　ought　to　stop　thinking　of　his　self。　Other　folks　don't　need　that　aggravation。　He　ought　to　go　away　with　every　other　leper　and　stick　to　his　self；　leave　decent　folks　alone。　It's　just　selfishness；　expecting　ordinary　guys　like　you　and　me　to　put　up　with　that。　You　know　what　I　mean？〃
　The　cigar　smoke　in　the　cab　was　as　thick　as　incense；　and　it　made　Covenant　feel　light…headed。　He　kept　shifting　his　weight；　as　if　the　falseness　of　his　position　gave　him　an　unfortable　seat。　But　the　talk　and　his　vague　vertigo　made　him　feel　vengeful。　For　a　moment；　he　forgot　his　sympathy。　He　turned　his　wedding　ring　forcefully　around　his　finger。　As　they　neared　the　city　limits；　he　said；　〃I'm　going　to　a　nightclub　just　up　the　road　here。　How　about　joining　me　for　a　drink？〃
　Without　hesitation；　the　trucker　said；　〃Buddy；　you're　on。　I　never　pass　up　a　free　drink。〃
　But　they　were　still　several　stoplights　from　the　club。　To　fill　the　silence；　and　satisfy　his　curiosity；　Covenant　asked　the　driver　what　had　happened　to　his　arm。
　〃Lost　it　in　the　war。〃　He　brought　the　truck　to　a　stop　at　a　light　while　adjusting　his　cigar　in　his　lips　and　steering　with　his　paunch。　〃We　was　on　patrol；　and　walked　right　into　one　of　them　antipersonnel　mines。　Blew　the　squad　to　hell。　I　had　to　crawl　back　to　camp。　Took　me　two　days…I　sort　of　got　unhinged；　you　know　what　I　mean？　Didn't　always　know　what　I　was　doing。　Time　I　got　to　the　doc；　it　was　too　late　to　save　the　arm。
　〃What　the　hell；　I　don't　need　it。　Least　my　old　lady　says　I　don't…and　she　ought　to　know　by　now。〃　He　chuckled。　〃Don't　need　no　two　arms　for　th