tw.theburningman-第5节
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tepfather had reason to be cautious； as the delegation that arrived that day was to prove。
It was actually Tellarin's friend Avalles who was called master of these because Avalles was an equestrian knight； one of the Sulean family nephews； but it was not hard to see which of the two truly held the soldiers' loyalty。 My Tellarin was barely twenty years old on the first day I saw him。 He was not handsome … his face was too long and his nose too impudent to grace one of the angels painted in my stepfather's books … but I thought him quite； quite beautiful。 He had taken off his helmet to feel the morning sun as he rode； and his golden hair streamed in the wind off the lake。 Even my inexperienced eye could see that he was still young for a fighting man； but I could also see that the men who rode with him admired him too。
His eyes found me in the crowd around my father and he smiled as though he recognized me； although we had never seen each other before。 My blood went hot inside me； but I knew so little of the world； I did not recognize the fever of love。
My stepfather embraced Avalles； then allowed Tellarin and the others to kneel before him as each swore his fealty in turn； although I am sure Sulis wanted only to be finished with ceremony so he could return to his books。
The pany had been sent by my stepfather's family council in Nabban。 A letter from the council； carried by Avalles； reported that there had been a resurgence of talk against Sulis in the imperatorial court at Nabban； much of it fanned by the Aedonite priests。 A poor man who held odd； perhaps irreligious beliefs was one thing； the council wrote； but when the same beliefs belonged to a nobleman with money； land； and a famous name； many powerful people would consider him a threat。 In fear for my stepfather's life； his family had thus sent this carefully picked troop and warnings to Sulis to be more cautious than ever。
Despite the pany's grim purpose； news from home was always wele； and many of the new troop had fought beside other members of my stepfather's army。 There were many glad reunions。
When Lord Sulis had at last been allowed to retreat to his reading； but before Ulca could hurry me back indoors； Tellarin asked Avalles if he could be introduced to me。 Avalles himself was a dark； heavy…faced youth with a fledgling beard； only a few years Tellarin's elder； but with so much of the Sulean family's gravity in him that he seemed a sort of foolish old uncle。 He gripped my hand too tightly and mumbled several clumsy pliments about how fair the flowers grew in the north； then introduced me to his friend。 Tellarin did not kiss my hand； but held me far more firmly with just his bright eyes。 He said； 'I will remember this day always； my lady；' then bowed。 Ulca caught my elbow and dragged me away。
Even in the midst of love's fever； which was to spread all through my fifteenth year； I could not help but notice that the changes which had begun in my stepfather when my mother died were growing worse。
Lord Sulis now hardly left his chambers at all； closeting himself with his books and his writings； being drawn out only to attend to the most pressing of affairs。 His only regular conversations were with Father Ganaris； the plain…spoken military chaplain who was the sole priest to have acpanied Lord Sulis out of Nabban。 Sulis had installed his old battlefield rade in the castle's newly…built chapel； and it was one of the few places the master of the High Keep would still go。 His visits did not seem to bring the old chaplain much pleasure； though。 Once I watched them bidding each other farewell； and as Sulis turned and shouldered his way through the wind； heading back across the courtyard to our residence； Ganaris sent a look after him that was grim and sad … the expression； I thought； of a man whose old friend has a mortal illness。
Perhaps if I had tried； I could have done something to help my stepfather。 Perhaps there could have been some other path than the one that led us to the base of the tree that grows in darkness。 But the truth is that although I saw all these signs； I gave them little attention。 Tellarin； my soldier； had begun to court me … at first only with glances and greetings； later with small gifts … and all else in my life shrank to insignificance by parison。
In fact； so changed was everything that a newer； larger sun might have risen into the sky above the High Keep； warming every corner with its light。 Even the most workaday tasks took fresh meaning because of my feelings for bright…eyed Tellarin。 My catechisms and my reading lessons I now pursued diligently； so that my beloved might not find me lacking in conversation。。。 except on those days when I could scarcely attend to them at all for dreaming about him。 My walks in the castle grounds became excuses to look for him； to hope for a shared glance across a courtyard or down a hallway。 Even the folktales Ulca told me over our stitchery； which before had been only a means to make the time pass pleasantly； now seemed pletely new。 The princes and princesses who fell in love were Tellarin and me。 Their every moment of suffering burned me like fire； their ultimate triumphs thrilled me so deeply that some days I feared I might actually faint。
After a time； Ulca； who guessed but did not know； refused to tell me any tale that had kissing in it。
But I had my own story by then； and I was living it fully。 My own first kiss came as we were walking in the sparse； windy garden that lay in the shadow of the Northmen's tower。 That ugly building was ever after beautiful to me； and even on the coldest of days； if I could see that tower； it would warm me。
'Your stepfather could have my head；' my soldier told me； his cheek touching lightly against mine。 'I have betrayed both his trust and my station。'
'Then if you are a condemned man；' I whispered； 'you may as well steal again。' And I pulled him back farther into the shadows and kissed him until my mouth was sore。 I was alive in a way I had never been； and almost mad with it。 I was hungry for him； for his kisses； his breath； the sound of his voice。
He gifted me with small things that could not be found in Lord Sulis' drab and careful household … flowers； sweetmeats； small baubles he found at the markets in the new town of Erkynchester； outside the castle gates。 I could hardly bring myself to eat the honeyed figs he bought for me； not because they were too rich for his purse； although they were … he was not wealthy like his friend Avalles … but because they were gifts from him； and thus precious。 To do something as destructive as eat them seemed unimaginably wasteful。
'Eat them slowly； then；' he told me。 They will kiss your lips when I cannot。'
I gave myself to him； of course； pletely and utterly。 Ulca's dark hints about soiled women drowning themselves in the Kingslake； about brides sent back to their families in disgrace； even about bastardy as the root of a dozen dreadful wars； were all ignored。 I offered Tellarin my body as well as my heart。 Who would not？ And if I were that young girl once more； ing out of the shadows of her sorrowful childhood into that bright day； I would do it again； with equal joy。 Even now that I see the foolishness； I cannot fault the girl I was。 When you are young and your life stretches so far ahead of you； you are also without patience … you cannot understand that there will be other days； other times； other chances。 God has made us this way。 Who knows why He chose it so？
As for me； I knew nothing in those days but the fever in my blood。
When Tellarin rapped at my door in the dark hours； I brought him to my bed。 When he left me； I wept； but not from shame。 He came to me again and again as autumn turned to winter； and as winter crept past we built a warm； secret world all our own。 I could not imagine a life without him in it every moment。
Again； youth was foolish； for I have now managed to live without him for many years。 There has even been much that was pleasing in my life since 1 lost him； although I would never have been able to believe such a thing then。 But I do not think I have ever again lived as deeply； as truly； as in that first year of reckless discovery。 It was as though I somehow knew that our time together would be short。
Whether it is called fate； or our weird； or the will of Heaven； I can look back now and see how each of us was set on to the track； how we were all made ready to travel in deep； dark places。
It was a night in late Feyever…month of that year when I began to realize that something more than simple distraction had overtaken my stepfather。 I was reeling back down the corridor to my chamber … I had just kissed Tellarin farewell in the great hall； and was mad with the excitement of it … I nearly stumbled into Lord Sulis。 I was first startled； then terrified。 My crime； I felt sure； must be as plain as blood on a white sheet。 I waited trembling for him to denounce me。 Instead he only blinked and held his candle higher。
'Breda？' he said。 'What are you doing； girl？'
He had not called me 'girl' since before my mother died。 His fringe of
