srdonaldson.thepowerthatpreserves-第102节

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obscured　everything　except　the　power　which　blazed　from　the　core　of　the　destruction。
　　　　It　was　green…white…savage；　wild…mounting　hugely　toward　its　apocalypse。
　　　　But　the　white　dominated　and　prevailed。
　
　TWENTY…ONE
　Leper's　End
　
　　　　In　that　way；　Thomas　Covenant　kept　his　promise。
　　　　For　a　long　time　afterward；　he　lay　in　a　fortable　grave　of　oblivion；　buried　in　utter　exhaustion；　he　floated　through　darkness…the　disengaged　no…man's…land　between　life　and　death。　He　felt　that　he　was　effectively　dead；　insensate　as　death。　But　his　heart　went　on　beating　as　if　it　lacked　the　wit　or　wisdom　to　stop　when　it　had　no　more　reason　to　go　on。　Raggedly；　frailly；　it　kept　up　his　life。
　　　　And　deep　within　him…in　a　place　hidden　somewhere；　defended；　inside　the　hard　bone　casque　of　his　skull…he　retained　an　awareness　of　himself。　That　essential　thing　had　not　yet　failed　him；　though　it　seemed　to　be　soaking　slowly　away　into　the　warm　soft　earth　of　his　grave。
　　　　He　wanted　rest；　he　had　earned　rest。　But　the　release　which　had　brought　him　to　his　present　dim　peace　had　been　too　expensive。　He　could　not　approve。
　　　　Foamfollower　is　dead；　he　murmured　silently。
　　　　There　was　no　escape　from　guilt。　No　answer　covered　everything。　For　as　long　as　he　managed　to　live；　he　would　never　be　clean。
　　　　He　did　not　think　that　he　could　manage　to　live　very　long。
　　　　Yet　something　obdurate　argued　with　him。　That　wasn't　your　fault；　it　said。　You　couldn't　make　his　decisions　for　him。　Beyond　a　certain　point；　this　responsibility　of　yours　is　only　a　more　plex　form　of　suicide。
　　　　He　acknowledged　the　argument。　He　knew　from　experience　that　lepers　were　doomed　as　soon　as　they　began　to　feel　that　they　were　to　blame　for　contracting　leprosy；　were　responsible　for　being　ill。　Perhaps　guilt　and　mortality；　physical　limitation；　were　the　same　thing　in　the　end…facts　of　life；　irremediable；　useless　to　protest。　Nevertheless　Foamfollower　was　gone；　and　could　never　be　restored。　Covenant　would　never　hear　him　laugh　again。
　　　　〃Then　take　peace　in　your　other　innocence；〃　said　a　voice　out　of　the　darkness。　〃You　did　not　choose　this　task。　You　did　not　undertake　it　of　your　own　free　will。　It　was　thrust　upon　you。　Blame　belongs　to　the　chooser；　and　this　choice　was　made　by　one　who　elected　you　without　your　knowledge　or　consent。〃
　　　　Covenant　did　not　need　to　ask　who　was　speaking；　he　recognized　the　voice。　It　belonged　to　the　old　beggar　who　had　confronted　him　before　his　first　experience　in　the　Land…the　old　man　who　had　urged　him　to　keep　his　wedding　band；　and　had　made　him　read　a　paper　on　the　fundamental　question　of　ethics。
　　　　Dimly；　he　replied；　〃You　must　have　been　sure　of　yourself。〃
　　　　〃Sure？　Ah；　no。　There　was　great　hazard…risk　for　the　world　which　I　made…risk　even　for　me。　Had　my　enemy　gained　the　white　wild　magic　gold；　he　would　have　unloosed　himself　from　the　Earth…destroyed　it　so　that　he　might　hurl　himself　against　me。　No；　Thomas　Covenant。　I　risked　my　trust　in　you。　My　own　hands　were　bound。　I　could　not　touch　the　Earth　to　defend　it　without　thereby　undoing　what　I　meant　to　preserve。　Only　a　free　man　could　hope　to　stand　against　my　enemy；　hope　to　preserve　the　Earth。〃
　　　　Covenant　heard　sympathy；　respect；　even　gratitude　in　the　voice。　But　he　was　unconvinced。　〃I　wasn't　free。　It　wasn't　my　choice。〃
　　　　〃Ah；　but　you　were…free　of　my　suasion；　my　power；　my　wish　to　make　you　my　tool。　Have　I　not　said　that　the　risk　was　great？　Choiceless；　you　were　given　the　power　of　choice。　I　elected　you　for　the　Land　but　did　not　pel　you　to　serve　my　purpose　in　the　Land。　You　were　free　to　damn　Land　and　Earth　and　Time　and　all；　if　you　chose。　Only　through　such　a　risk　could　I　hope　to　preserve　the　rectitude　of　my　creation。〃
　　　　In　his　darkness；　Covenant　shrugged。　〃I　still　wasn't　free。　That　singer　…who　called　me　Berek。　That　revival。　The　kid　who　got　herself　snakebit。　Maybe　you　left　me　free　in　the　Land；　but　you　didn't　leave　me　alone　in　my　own　life。〃
　　　　〃No；〃　the　voice　responded　softly。　〃I　had　no　hand　in　those　chances。　Had　I　done　anything　at　all　to　shape　you；　you　would　have　been　my　tool…effectless。　Without　freedom；　you　could　not　have　mastered　my　enemy…without　independence…without　the　sovereignty　of　your　own　allegiance。　No；　I　risked　too　much　when　I　spoke　to　you　once。　I　interfered　in　no　other　way。〃
　　　　Covenant　did　not　like　to　think　that　he　had　been　so　pletely　free　to　ruin　the　Land。　He　had　e　so　close！　For　a　while；　he　mused　numbly　to　himself；　measuring　the　Creator's　risk。　Then　he　asked；　〃What　made　you　think　I　wouldn't　just　collapse…wouldn't　give　up　in　despair？〃
　　　　The　voice　replied　promptly。　〃Despair　is　an　emotion　like　any　other。　It　is　the　habit　of　despair　which　damns；　not　the　despair　itself。　You　were　a　man　already　acquainted　with　habit　and　despair…with　the　Law　which　both　saves　and　damns。　Your　knowledge　of　your　illness　made　you　wise。〃
　　　　Wise；　Covenant　murmured　to　himself。　Wisdom。　He　could　not　understand　why　his　witless　heart　went　on　beating。
　　　　〃Further；　you　were　in　your　own　way　a　creator。　You　had　already　tasted　the　way　in　which　a　creator　may　be　impotent　to　heal　his　creation。　It　is　ofttimes　this　impotence　which　teaches　a　creation　to　despair；〃
　　　　〃What　about　the　creator？　Why　doesn't　he　despair？〃
　　　　〃Why　should　he　despair？　If　he　cannot　bear　the　world　he　has　made；　he　can　make　another。　No；　Thomas　Covenant。〃　The　voice　laughed　softly；　sadly。　〃Gods　and　creators　are　too　powerful　and　powerless　for　despair。〃
　　　　Yes；　Covenant　said　with　his　own　sadness。　But　then　he　added　almost　out　of　habit；　It's　not　that　easy。　He　wanted　the　voice　to　go　away；　leave　him　alone　with　his　oblivion。　But　though　it　was　silent；　he　knew　it　had　not　left　him。　He　drifted　along　beside　it　for　a　time；　then　gathered　himself　to　ask；　〃What　do　you　want？〃
　　　　〃Thomas　Covenant〃…the　voice　was　gentle…〃my　unwilling　son；　I　wish　to　give　you　a　gift…a　guerdon　to　speak　my　wordless　gratitude。　Your　world　runs　by　Law；　as　does　mine。　And　by　any　Law　I　am　in　your　debt。　You　have　retrieved　my　Earth　from　the　brink　of　dissolution。　I　could　give　you　precious　gifts　a　dozen　times　over；　and　still　not　call　the　matter　paid。〃
　　　　A　gift？　Covenant　sighed　to　himself。　No。　He　could　not　demean　himself　or　the　Creator　by　asking　for　a　cure　to　leprosy。　He　was　about　to　refuse　the　offer　when　a　sudden　excitement　flashed　across　him。　〃Save　the　Giant；〃　he　said。　〃Save　Foamfollower。〃
　　　　In　a　tone　of　ineffable　rue；　the　voice　answered；　〃No；　Thomas　Covenant…I　cannot。　Have　I　not　told　you　that　I　would　break　the　arch　of　Time　if　I　were　to　put　my　hand　through　it　to　touch　the　Earth？　No　matter　how　great　my　gratitude；　I　can　do　nothing　for　you　in　the　Land　or　upon　that　Earth。　If　I　could；　I　would　never　have　permitted　my　enemy　to　do　so　much　harm。''
　　　　Covenant　nodded；　he　recognized　the　validity　of　the　answer。　After　a　moment　of　emptiness；　he　said；　〃Then　there's　nothing　you　can　do　for　me。　I　told　Foul　I　don't　believe　in　him。　I　don't　believe　in　you　either。　I've　had　the　chance　to　make　an　important　choice。　That's　enough。　I　don't　need　any　gifts。　Gifts　are　too　easy…I　can't　afford　them。〃
　　　　〃Ah！　but　you　have　earned…〃
　　　　〃I　didn't　earn　anything。''　Faint　anger　stirred　in　him。　〃You　didn't　give　me　a　chance　to　earn　anything。　You　put　me　in　the　Land　without　my　approval　or　consent…even　without　my　knowledge。　All　I　did　was　see　the　difference　between　health　and…disease。　Well；　it's　enough　for　me。　But　there's　no　particular　virtue　in　it。〃
　　　　Slowly；　the　voice　breathed。　〃Do　not　be　too　quick　to　judge　the　makers　of　worlds。　Will　you　ever　write　a　story　for　which　no　character　will　have　cause　to　reproach　you？〃
　　　　〃I'll　try；〃　said　Covenant。　〃I'll　try。〃
　　　　〃Yes；〃　the　voice　whispered。　〃Perhaps　for　you　it　is　enough。　Yet　for　my　own　sake　I　wish　to　give　you　a　gift。　Please　permit　me。〃
　　　　〃No。〃　Covenant's　refusal　was　weary　rather　than　belligerent。　He　could　not　think　of　anything　he　would　be　able　to　accept。
　　　　〃I　can　return　you　to　the　Land。　You　could　live　out　the　rest　of　your　life　in　health　and　honor；　as　befits　a　great　hero。〃
　　　　〃No。〃　Have　mercy　on　me。　I　couldn't　bear　it。　〃That's　not　my　world。　I　don'　t　belong　there。〃
　　　　〃I　can　teach　you　to　believe　that　your　experiences　in　the　Land　have　been　real。〃
　　　　〃No。〃　It's　not　that　easy。　〃You'll　drive　me　insane。〃
　　　　Again　the　voice　was　silent　for　a　while　before　it　said　in　a　tone　made　sharp　by　grief；　〃Very　well。　Then　hear　me；　Thomas　Covenant；　before　you　refuse　me　once　more。　This　I　must　tell　you。
　　　　〃When　the　parents　of　the　child　whom　you　saved　prehended　what　you　had　done；　they　sought　to　aid　you。　You　were　injured　and　weak　from　hunger。　Your　exertions　to　save　the　child　had　hastened　the　poison　in　your　lip。　Your　condition　was　grave。　They　bore　you　to　the　hospital　for　treatment。　This　treatment　employs　a　thing　which　the　Healers　of　your　world　name　'antivenin。'　Thomas　Covenant；　this　antivenin　is　made　from　the　blood　of　horses。　Your　body　loathes…you　are　allergic　to　the　horse　serum。　It　is　a　violent　reaction。　In　your　weak　state；　you　cannot　survive　it。　At　this　moment；　you　stand　on　the　threshold　of　your　own　death。
　　　　〃Thomas　Covenant…hear　me。〃　The　voice　breathed　passion　at　him。　〃I　can　give　you　life。　In　this　time　of　need；　I　can　provide　to　your　stricken　flesh　the　strength　it　requires　to　endure。〃
　　　　Covenant　did　not　answer　for　some　time。　Somewhere　in　his　half…forgotten　past；　he　had　heard　that　some　people　were　allergic