rh.royalassassin-第4节

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found　myself　speaking　of　her　to　Burrich；　and　him　just　nodding　as　I　spilled　out　the　whole　story。
　　　　　　　When　he　did　speak；　he　told　me　only　that　he　had　heard　that　the　Beebalm　Chandlery　closed　when　the　old　drunkard　that　owned　it　had　died　in　debt。　His　daughter　had　been　forced　to　go　to　relatives　in　another　town。　He　did　not　know　what　town；　but　he　was　certain　I　could　find　it　out；　if　I　were　determined。　〃Know　your　heart　before　you　do；　Fitz；〃　he　added。　〃If　you've　nothing　to　offer　her；　let　her　go。　Are　you　crippled？　Only　if　you　decide　so。　But　if　you're　determined　that　you're　a　cripple　now；　then　perhaps　you've　no　right　to　go　and　seek　her　out。　I　don't　think　you'd　want　her　pity。　It's　a　poor　substitute　for　love。〃　And　then　he　rose　and　left　me；　to　stare　into　the　fire　and　think。
　　　　　　　Was　I　a　cripple？　Had　I　lost？　My　body　jangled　like　badly　tuned　harp　strings。　That　was　true。　But　my　will；　not　Regal's；　had　prevailed。　My　prince　Verity　was　still　in　line　for　the　Six　Duchies　throne；　and　the　Mountain　Princess　was　his　wife　now。　Did　I　dread　Regal　smirking　over　my　trembling　hands？　Could　I　not　smirk　back　at　he　who　would　never　be　king？　A　savage　satisfaction　welled　up　in　me。　Burrich　was　right。　I　had　not　lost。　But　I　could　make　sure　that　Regal　knew　I　had　won。
　　　　　　　If　I　had　won　against　Regal；　could　I　not　win　Molly　as　well？　What　stood　between　her　and　me？　Jade？　But　Burrich　had　heard　she　had　left　Buckkeep　Town；　not　wed。　Gone　penniless　to　live　with　relatives。　Shame　upon　him；　had　Jade　let　her　do　so。　I　would　seek　her　out；　I　would　find　her　and　win　her。　Molly；　with　her　hair　loose　and　blowing；　Molly　with　her　bright　red　skirts　and　cloak；　bold　as　a　red…robber　bird；　and　eyes　as　bright。　The　thought　of　her　sent　a　shiver　down　my　spine。　I　smiled　to　myself；　and　then　felt　my　lips　set　like　a　rictus；　and　the　shiver　bee　a　shuddering。　My　body　spasmed　and　the　back　of　my　head　rebounded　sharply　off　the　bedstead。　I　cried　out　involuntarily；　a　gargling　wordless　cry。
　　　　　　　In　an　instant　Jonqui　was　there；　calling　Burrich　back；　and　then　they　were　both　holding　down　my　flailing　limbs。　Burrich's　body　weight　was　flung　atop　me　as　he　strove　to　restrain　my　thrashing。　And　then　I　was　gone。
　　　　　　　I　came　out　of　blackness　into　light；　like　surfacing　from　a　deep　dive　into　warm　waters。　The　deep　down　of　the　feather　bed　cradled　me；　the　blankets　were　soft　and　warm。　I　felt　safe。　For　a　moment　all　was　peaceful。　I　lay　quiescently；　almost　feeling　good。
　　　　　　　〃Fitz？〃　Burrich　asked；　leaning　over　me。
　　　　　　　The　world　came　back。　I　knew　myself　a　mangled；　pitiful　thing；　a　puppet　with　half　its　strings　tangled　or　a　horse　with　a　severed　tendon。　I　would　never　be　as　I　was　before；　there　was　no　place　left　for　me　in　the　world　I　had　once　inhabited。　Burrich　had　said　pity　is　a　poor　substitute　for　love。　I　wanted　pity　from　none　of　them。
　　　　　　　〃Burrich。〃
　　　　　　　He　leaned　closer　over　me。　〃It　wasn't　that　bad；〃　he　lied。　〃Just　rest　now。　Tomorrow…〃
　　　　　　　〃Tomorrow　you　leave　for　Buckkeep；〃　I　told　him。
　　　　　　　He　frowned。　〃Let's　take　it　slowly。　Give　yourself　a　few　days　to　recover；　and　then　we'll…〃
　　　　　　　〃No。〃　I　dragged　myself　up　to　a　sitting　position。　I　put　every　bit　of　strength　I　had　into　the　words。　〃I've　made　a　decision。　Tomorrow　you　will　go　back　to　Buckkeep。　There　are　people　and　animals　waiting　for　you　there。　You're　needed。　It's　your　home　and　your　world。　But　it's　not　mine。　Not　anymore。〃
　　　　　　　He　was　silent　for　a　long　moment。　〃And　what　will　you　do？〃
　　　　　　　I　shook　my　head。　〃That's　no　longer　your　concern。　Or　anyone's；　save　mine。〃
　　　　　　　〃The　girl？〃
　　　　　　　I　shook　my　head　again；　more　violently。　〃She's　taken　care　of　one　cripple　already；　and　spent　her　youth　doing　so；　only　to　find　that　he　left　her　a　debtor。　Shall　I　go　back　and　seek　her　out；　like　this？　Shall　I　ask　her　to　love　me　so　I　can　be　a　burden　to　her　like　her　father　was？　No。　Alone　or　wed　to　another；　she's　better　off　now　as　she　is。〃
　　　　　　　The　silence　stretched　long　between　us。　Jonqui　was　busy　in　a　corner　of　the　room；　concocting　yet　another　herbal　draft　that　would　do　nothing　for　me。　Burrich　stood　over　me；　black　and　towering　as　a　thundercloud。　I　knew　how　badly　he　wanted　to　shake　me；　how　he　longed　to　cuff　the　stubbornness　from　me。　But　he　did　not。　Burrich　did　not　hit　cripples。
　　　　　　　〃So；〃　he　said　at　last。　〃That　leaves　only　your　king。　Or　do　you　forget　you　are　sworn　as　a　King's　Man？〃
　　　　　　　〃I　do　not　forget；〃　I　said　quietly。　〃And　did　I　believe　myself　a　man　still；　I　would　go　back。　But　I　am　not；　Burrich。　I　am　a　liability。　On　the　game　board；　I　have　bee　but　one　of　those　tokens　that　must　be　protected。　A　hostage　for　the　taking；　powerless　to　defend　myself　or　anyone　else。　No。　The　last　act　I　can　make　as　a　King's　Man　is　to　remove　myself；　before　someone　else　does　and　injures　my　king　in　the　doing。〃
　　　　　　　Burrich　turned　aside　from　me。　He　was　a　silhouette　in　the　dim　room；　his　face　unreadable　by　the　firelight。　〃Tomorrow　we　will　talk；〃　he　began。
　　　　　　　〃Only　to　say　farewell；〃　I　interrupted。　〃My　heart　is　firm　on　this；　Burrich。〃　I　reached　up　to　touch　the　earring　in　my　ear。
　　　　　　　〃If　you　stay；　then　so　must　I。〃　There　was　a　fierceness　in　his　low　voice。
　　　　　　　〃That　isn't　how　it　works；〃　I　told　him。　〃Once；　my　father　told　you　to　stay　behind；　and　raise　a　bastard　for　him。　Now　I　tell　you　to　leave；　to　go　to　serve　a　King　who　still　needs　you。〃
　　　　　　　〃FitzChivalry；　I　don't…〃
　　　　　　　〃Please。〃　I　don't　know　what　he　heard　in　my　voice。　Only　that　he　was　suddenly　still。　〃I　am　so　tired。　So　damnably　tired。　The　only　thing　I　know　is　that　I　can't　live　up　to　what　everyone　else　thinks　I　should　do。　I　just　can't　do　it。〃　My　voice　quavered　like　an　old　man's。　〃No　matter　what　I　ought　to　do。　No　matter　what　I　am　pledged　to　do。　There　isn't　enough　of　me　left　to　keep　my　word。　Maybe　that's　not　right；　but　that's　how　it　is。　Everyone　else's　plans。　Everyone　else's　goals。　Never　mine。　I　tried；　but　。。。〃　The　room　rocked　around　me　as　if　someone　else　were　speaking；　and　I　was　shocked　at　what　he　was　saying。　But　I　couldn't　deny　the　truth　of　his　words。　〃I　need　to　be　alone　now。　To　rest；〃　I　said　simply。
　　　　　　　Both　of　them　just　looked　at　me。　Neither　one　of　them　spoke。　They　left　the　room；　slowly；　as　if　hoping　I　would　relent　and　call　them　back。　I　did　not。
　　　　　　　But　after　they　had　gone；　and　I　was　alone；　I　permitted　myself　to　breathe　out。　I　felt　dizzy　with　the　decision　I　had　made。　I　wasn't　going　back　to　Buckkeep。　What　I　was　going　to　do；　I　had　no　idea。　I　had　swept　my　broken　bits　of　life　from　the　game　table。　Now　there　was　room　to　set　out　anew　what　pieces　I　still　had；　to　plot　a　new　strategy　for　living。　Slowly；　I　realized　I　had　no　doubts。　Regrets　warred　with　relief；　but　I　had　no　doubts。　Somehow　it　was　much　more　bearable　to　move　forward　into　a　life　where　no　one　would　recall　who　I　had　once　been。　A　life　not　pledged　to　someone　else's　will。　Not　even　my　king's。　It　was　done。　I　lay　back　in　my　bed；　and　for　the　first　time　in　weeks；　I　relaxed　pletely。　Farewell；　I　thought　wearily。　I　would　have　liked　to　wish　them　all　farewell；　to　stand　one　last　time　before　my　king　and　see　his　brief　nod　that　I　had　done　well。　Perhaps　I　could　have　made　him　understand　why　I　did　not　wish　to　go　back。　It　was　not　to　be。　It　was　done　now；　all　done。　〃I　am　sorry；　my　king；〃　I　muttered。　I　stared　into　the　dancing　flames　in　the　hearth　until　sleep　claimed　me。
　　　　　　　
　　　　　　　CHAPTER　ONE
　　　　　　　Siltbay
　　　　　　　
　　　　　　　To　be　King…in…　Waiting；　or　the　Queen…in…　Waiting；　is　to　firmly　straddle　the　fence　between　responsibility　and　authority。　It　is　said　the　position　was　created　to　satisfy　the　ambitions　of　an　heir　for　power；　while　schooling　him　in　the　exercising　of　it。　The　eldest　child　in　the　royal　family　assumes　this　position　upon　the　sixteenth　birthday。　From　that　day　on；　the　King…　or　Queen…in…Waiting　assumes　a　full　share　of　responsibility　for　the　running　of　the　Six　Duchies。　Generally；　he　immediately　assumes　such　duties　as　the　ruling　monarch　cares　least　for；　and　these　have　varied　greatly　from　reign　to　reign。
　　　　　　　Under　King　Shrewd；　Prince　Chivalry　first　became　king…in…waiting。　To　him；　King　Shrewd　ceded　over　all　that　had　to　do　with　the　borders　and　frontiers：　warfare；　negotiations　and　diplomacy；　the　disforts　of　extended　travel　and　the　miserable　conditions　often　encountered　on　the　campaigns。　When　Chivalry　abdicated　and　Prince　Verity　became　king…in…waiting；　he　inherited　all　the　uncertainties　of　the　war　with　the　Outislanders；　and　the　civil　unrest　this　situation　created　between　the　Inland　and　Coastal　Duchies。　All　of　these　tasks　were　rendered　more　difficult　in　that；　at　any　time；　his　decisions　could　be　overridden　by　the　King。　Often　he　was　left　to　cope　with　a　situation　not　of　his　creating；　armed　only　with　options　not　of　his　choosing。
　　　　　　　Even　less　tenable；　perhaps；　was　the　position　of　Queen…in…Waiting　Kettricken。　Her　Mountain　ways　marked　her　as　a　foreigner　in　the　Six　Duchies　court。　In　peaceful　times；　perhaps　she　would　have　been　received　with　more　tolerance。　But　the　court　at　Buckkeep　seethed　with　the　general　unrest　of　the　Six　Duchies。　The　Red…Ships　from　the　Outislands　harried　our　shoreline　as　they　had　not　for　generations；　destroying　far　more　than　they　stole。　The　first　winter　of　Kettricken　's　reign　as　queen…in…waiting　saw　also　the　first　winter　raiding　we　had　ever　experienced。　The　constant　threat　of　raids；　and　the　lingering　torment　of　Forged　ones　in　our　midst　rocked　the　foundations　of　the　Six　Duchies。