dk.coldfire-第65节

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ed；　for　what　they　could　bee　together。　
　Even　if　he　had　told　her　she　could　go；　and　even　if　she　had　felt　that　his　release　of　her　was　sincere；　she　would　not　have　abandoned　him。　
　He　was　her　salvation。　And　she　was　his。　
　The　mill　stood　sentinel　against　the　ashen　sky。　Jim　had　not　appeared　at　the　door。　Perhaps　he　had　not　yet　awakened。　
　There　were　still　many　mysteries　within　this　mystery；　but　so　much　was　painfully　obvious　now。　He　sometimes　failed　to　save　people…like　Susie　Jawolski's　father…because　he　was　not　really　operating　on　behalf　of　an　infallible　god　or　a　prescient　alien；　he　was　acting　on　his　own　phenomenal　but　imperfect　visions；　he　was　just　a　man；　special　but　only　a　man；　and　even　the　best　of　men　had　limits。　He　evidently　felt　that　he　had　failed　his　parents　somehow。　Their　deaths　weighed　heavily　on　his　conscience；　and　he　was　trying　to　redeem　himself　by　saving　the　lives　of　others：　HE　LOOKED　LIKE　MY　FATHER；　WHOM　I　FAILED　TO　SAVE。　
　It　was　now　obvious；　as　well；　why　The　Enemy　broke　through　only　when　Jim　was　asleep：　he　was　terrified　of　that　dark　aspect　of　himself；　that　embodiment　of　his　rage；　and　he　strenuously　repressed　it　when　he　was　awake。　At　his　place　in　Laguna；　The　Enemy　had　materialized　in　the　bedroom　while　Jim　was　sleeping　and　actually　had　been　sustained　for　a　while　after　Jim　had　awakened；　but　when　it　had　crashed　through　the　bathroom　ceiling；　it　had　simply　evaporated　like　the　lingering　dream　it　was。　Dreams　are　doorways；　The　Friend　had　warned；　which　had　been　a　warning　from　Jim　himself　Dreams　were　doorways；　yes；　but　not　for　evil；　mind…invading　alien　monsters　；　dreams　were　doorways　to　the　subconscious；　and　what　came　out　of　them　was　all　too　human。　
　She　had　other　pieces　of　the　puzzle；　too。　She　just　didn't　know　how　they　fit　together。　
　Holly　was　angry　with　herself　for　not　having　asked　the　correct　questions　on　Monday；　when　Jim　had　finally　opened　his　patio　door　and　let　her　into　his　life。　He'd　insisted　that　he　was　only　an　instrument；　that　he　had　no　powers　of　his　own。　She'd　bought　it　too　quickly。　She　should　have　probed　harder；　asked　tougher　questions。　She　was　as　guilty　of　amateurish　interviewing　technique　as　Jim　had　been　when　The　Friend　had　first　appeared　to　them。　
　She　had　been　annoyed　by　his　willingness　to　accept　what　The　Friend　said　at　face　value。　Now　she　understood　that　he　had　created　The　Friend　for　the　same　reason　that　other　victims　of　multiple…personality　syndrome　generated　splinter　personalities：　to　cope　in　a　world　that　confused　and　frightened　them。　Alone　and　afraid　at　the　age　of　ten；　he　had　taken　refuge　in　fantasy。　
　He　created　The　Friend；　a　magical　being；　as　a　source　of　solace　and　hope。　
　When　Holly　pressed　The　Friend　to　explain　itself　logically；　Jim　resisted　her　because　her　probing　threatened　a　fantasy　which　he　desperately　needed　to　sustain　himself　For　similar　reasons　of　her　own；　she　had　not　questioned　him　as　toughly　as　she　should　have　on　Monday　evening。　He　was　her　sustaining　dream。　He　had　e　into　her　life　like　a　heroic　figure　in　a　dream；　saving　Billy　Jenkins　with　dreamlike　grace　and　panache。　Until　she　had　seen　him；　she　had　not　realized　how　much　she　needed　someone　like　him。　And　instead　of　probing　deeply　at　him　as　any　good　reporter　would　have　done；　she　had　let　him　be　what　he　wanted　to　pretend　to　be；　for　she　had　been　reluctant　to　lose　him。　
　Now　their　only　hope　was　to　press　hard　for　the　whole　truth。　He　could　not　be　healed　until　they　understood　why　this　particular　and　bizarre　fantasy　of　his　had　evolved　and　how　in　the　name　of　God　he　had　developed　the　superhuman　powers　to　support　it。　
　She　sat　with　her　hands　on　the　steering　wheel；　prepared　to　act　but　with　no　idea　what　to　do。　There　seemed　to　be　no　one　to　whom　she　could　turn　for　help。　She　needed　answers　that　were　to　be　found　only　in　the　past　or　in　Jim's　subconscious　mind；　two　terrains　that　at　the　moment　were　equally　inaccessible。　
　Then；　hit　by　a　thunderbolt　of　insight；　she　realized　Jim　already　had　given　her　a　set　of　keys　to　unlock　his　remaining　mysteries。　When　they　had　driven　into　New　Svenborg；　he　had　taken　her　on　a　tour　of　the　town　which；　at　the　time；　seemed　like　a　tactic　to　delay　their　arrival　at　the　farm。　But　she　realized　now　that　the　tour　had　contained　the　most　important　revelations　he　had　made　to　her。　Each　nostalgic　landmark　was　a　key　to　the　past　and　to　the　remaining　mysteries　that；　once　unlocked；　would　make　it　possible　for　her　to　help　him。　
　He　wanted　help。　A　part　of　him　understood　that　he　was　sick；　trapped　in　a　schizophrenic　fantasy；　and　he　wanted　out。　She　just　hoped　that　he　would　suppress　The　Enemy　until　they　had　time　to　learn　what　they　needed　to　know。　That　darkest　splinter　of　his　mind　did　not　want　her　to　succeed；　her　success　would　be　its　death；　and　to　save　itself；　it　would　destroy　her　if　it　got　the　chance。　
　If　she　and　Jim　were　to　have　a　life　together；　or　any　life　at　all；　their　future　lay　in　the　past；　and　the　past　lay　in　New　Svenborg。　
　She　swung　the　wheel　hard　right；　began　to　turn　around　to　head　out　of　the　driveway　to　the　county　road…then　stopped。　She　looked　at　the　windmill　again。　
　Jim　had　to　be　part　of　his　own　cure。　She　could　not　track　down　the　truth　and　make　him　believe　it。　He　had　to　see　it　himself。　
　She　loved　him。　
　She　was　afraid　of　him。　
　She　couldn't　do　anything　about　the　love；　that　was　just　part　of　her　now；　like　blood　or　bone　or　sinew。　But　almost　any　fear　could　be　overe　by　confronting　the　cause　of　it。　
　Wondering　at　her　own　courage；　she　drove　back　along　the　graveled　path　to　the　foot　of　the　windmill。　She　pumped　three　long　blasts　from　the　horn；　then　three　more；　waited；a　few　seconds　and　hit　it　again；　again。　
　Jim　appeared　in　the　doorway。　He　came　out　into　the　gray　morning　light；　squinting　at　her。　
　Holly　opened　her　door　and　stepped　out　of　the　car。　〃You　awake？〃　〃Do　I　look　like　I'm　sleepwalking？〃　he　asked　as　he　approached　her。　
　〃What's　going　on？〃　〃I　want　to　be　damn　sure　you're　awake；　fully　awake。〃　
　He　stopped　a　few　feet　away。　〃Why　don't　we　open　the　hood；　I'll　put　my　head　under　it；　then　you　can　let　out　maybe　a　two…minute　blast；　just　to　be　sure。　Holly；　what's　going　on？〃　〃We　have　to　talk。　Get　in。〃　
　Frowning；　he　went　around　to　the　passenger's　side　and　got　into　the　Ford　with　her。　
　When　he　settled　into　the　passenger's　seat；　he　said；　〃This　isn't　going　to　be　pleasant；　is　it？〃　〃No。　Not　especially。〃　
　In　front　of　them；　the　sails　of　the　windmill　stuttered。　They　began　to　turn　slowly；　with　much　clattering　and　creaking；　shedding　chunks　and　splinters　of　rotten　vanes。　
　〃Stop　it；〃　she　said　to　Jim；　afraid　that　the　turning　sails　were　only　a　prelude　to　a　manifestation　of　The　Enemy。　〃I　know　you　don't　want　to　hear　what　I　have　to　say；　but　don't　try　to　distract　me；　don't　try　to　stop　me。〃　
　He　did　not　respond。　He　stared　with　fascination　at　the　mill；　as　if　he　had　not　heard　her。　
　The　speed　of　the　sails　increased。　
　〃Jim；　damn　it！〃　At　last　he　looked　at　her；　genuinely　baffled　by　the　anger　underlying　her　fear。　〃What？〃　Around；　around；　around…around…around；　aroundaroundaround。　It　turned　like　a　haunted　Ferris　wheel　in　a　carnival　of　the　damned。　
　〃Shit！〃　she　said；　her　fear　accelerating　with　the　pace　of　the　windmill　sails。　
　She　put　the　car　in　reverse；　looked　over　her　shoulder；　and　backed　at　high　speed　around　the　pond。　
　〃Where　are　we　going？〃　he　asked。　
　〃Not　far。〃　
　Since　the　windmill　lay　at　the　center　of　Jim's　delusion；　Holly　thought　it　was　a　good　idea　to　put　it　out　of　sight　while　they　talked。　
　She　swung　the　car　around；　drove　to　the　end　of　the　driveway；　and　parked　facing　out　toward　the　county　road。　
　She　cranked　down　her　window；　and　he　followed　suit。　
　Switching　off　the　engine；　she　turned　more　directly　toward　him。　In　spite　of　everything　she　now　knew…or　suspected…about　him；　she　wanted　to　touch　his　face；　smooth　his　hair；　hold　him。　He　elicited　a　mothering　urge　from　her　of　which　she　hadn't　even　known　she'd　been　capable…just　as　he　engendered　in　her　an　erotic　response　and　passion　that　were　beyond　anything　she　had　experienced　before。　
　Yeah；　she　thought；　and　evidently　he　engenders　in　you　a　suicidal　tendency。　Jesus；　Thorne；　the　guy　as　much　as　said　he'll　kill　you！　But　he　also　had　said　he　loved　her。　
　Why　wasn't　anything　easy？　She　said；　〃Before　I　get　into　it。　。　。　I　want　you　to　understand　that　I　love　you；　Jim。〃　It　was　the　dumbest　line　in　the　world。　It　sounded　so　insincere。　
　Words　were　inadequate　to　describe　the　real　thing；　partly　because　the　feeling　ran　deeper　than　she　had　ever　imagined　it　would；　and　partly　because　it　was　not　a　single　emotion　but　was　mixed　up　with　other　things　like　anxiety　and　hope。　She　said　it　again　anyway：　〃I　really　do　love　you。〃　
　He　reached　for　her　hand；　smiling　at　her　with　obvious　pleasure。　
　You're　wonderful；　Holly。〃　
　Which　was　not　exactly　I…love…you…too…Holly；　but　that　was　okay。　She　didn't　harbor　romance…novel　expectations。　It　was　not　going　to　be　that　simple。　Being　in　love　with　Jim　Ironheart　was　like　being　in　love　simultaneously　with　the　tortured　Max　de　Winter　from　Rebecca；　Superman；　and　jack　Nicholson　in　any　role　he'd　ever　played。　Though　it　wasn't　easy；　it　wasn't　dull　either。　
　〃The　thing　is；　when　I　was　paying　my　motel　bill　yesterday　morning　and　you　were　sitting　in　the　car　watching　me；　I　realized　you　hadn't　said　you　loved　me。　I　was　going　off　with　you；　putting　myself　in　your　hands；　and　you　hadn't　said