sk.petsematary-第41节

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　　Across　the　street；　all　the　lights　were　on　in　the　Crandall　house。　Cars　were　parked　in　Jud's　driveway　and　up　and　down　the　shoulder　of　the　highway　on　that　side　for　a　hundred　feet　in　either　direction。　The　official　viewing　hours　would　be　tomorrow；　at　the　mortuary；　but　tonight　people　had　e　to　fort　Jud　as　well　as　they　could；　and　to　help　him　remember；　and　to　celebrate　Norma's　passing…what　Jud　had　referred　to　once　that　afternoon　as　〃the　foregoing。〃　Between　that　house　and　this；　a　frigid　February　wind　blew。　The　road　was　patched　with　black　ice。　The　coldest　part　of　the　Maine　winter　was　now　upon　them。
　　〃Well；　I　don't　really　know；　honey；〃　Louis　said；　taking　Ellie　on　his　lap。　On　the　TV；　a　running　gunfight　was　in　progress。　A　man　spun　and　dropped；　unremarked　upon　by　either　of　them。　Louis　was　aware…unfortably　so…that　Ellie　probably　knew　a　hell　of　a　lot　more　about　Ronald　McDonald　and　Spiderman　and　the　Burger　King　than　she　did　about　Moses；　Jesus；　and　St。　Paul。　She　was　the　daughter　of　a　woman　who　was　a　nonpracticing　Jew　and　a　man　who　was　a　lapsed　Methodist；　and　he　supposed　her　ideas　about　the　whole　spiritus　mundi　were　of　the　vaguest　sort…not　myths；　not　dreams；　but　dreams　of　dreams。　It's　late　for　that；　he　thought　randomly。　She's　only　five；　but　it's　late　for　that。　Jesus　Christ；　it　gets　late　so　fast。
　　But　Ellie　was　looking　at　him；　and　he　ought　to　say　something。　〃People　believe　all　sorts　of　things　about　what　happens　to　us　when　we　die；〃　he　said。　〃Some　people　think　we　go　to　heaven　or　hell。　Some　people　believe　we're　born　again　as　little　children…〃
　　〃Sure；　carnation。　Like　what　happened　to　Audrey　Rose　in　that　movie　on　TV。〃
　　〃You　never　saw　that！〃　Rachel；　he　thought；　would　have　her　own　cerebral　accident　if　she　thought　Ellie　had　seen　Audrey　Rose。
　　〃Marie　told　me　at　school；〃　Ellie　said。　Marie　was　Ellie's　self…proclaimed　best　friend；　a　malnourished；　dirty　little　girl　who　always　looked　as　if　she　might　be　on　the　edge　of　impetigo；　or　ringworm；　or　perhaps　even　scurvy。　Both　Louis　and　Rachel　encouraged　the　friendship　as　well　as　they　could；　but　Rachel　had　once　confessed　to　Louis　that　after　Marie　left；　she　always　felt　an　urge　to　check　Ellie's　head　for　flits　and　head　lice。　Louis　had　laughed　and　nodded。
　　〃Marie's　mommy　lets　her　watch　all　the　shows。〃　There　was　an　implied　criticism　in　this　that　Louis　chose　to　ignore。
　　〃Well；　it's　reincarnation；　but　I　guess　you've　got　the　idea。　The　Catholics　believe　in　heaven　and　hell；　but　they　also　believe　there's　a　place　called　limbo　and　one　called　purgatory。　And　the　Hindus　and　Buddhists　believe　in　Nirvana…〃
　　There　was　a　shadow　on　the　dining　room　wall。　Rachel。　Listening。
　　Louis　went　on　more　slowly。
　　〃There　are　probably　lots　more　too。　But　what　it　es　down　to；　Ellie；　is　this：　no　one　knows。　People　say　they　know；　but　when　they　say　that；　what　they　mean　is　that　they　believe　because　of　faith。　Do　you　know　what　faith　is？〃
　　〃Well　。　。
　　〃Here　we　are；　sitting　in　my　chair；〃　Louis　said。　〃Do　you　think　my　chair　will　still　be　here　tomorrow？〃
　　〃Yeah；　sure。〃
　　〃Then　you　have　faith　it　will　be　here。　As　it　so　happens；　I　do；　too。　Faith　is　believing　a　thing　will　be；　or　is。　Get　it？〃
　　〃Yes。〃　Ellie　nodded　positively。
　　〃But　we　don't　know　it'll　be　here。　After　all；　some　crazed　chair　burglar　might　break　in　and　take　it；　right？〃
　　Ellie　giggled。　Louis　smiled。
　　〃We　just　have　faith　that　won't　happen。　Faith　is　a　great　thing；　and　really　religious　people　would　like　us　to　believe　that　faith　and　knowing　are　the　same　thing；　but　I　don't　believe　that　myself。　Because　there　are　too　many　different　ideas　on　the　subject。　What　we　know　is　this：　When　we　die；　one　of　two　things　happens。　Either　our　souls　and　thoughts　somehow　survive　the　experience　of　dying　or　they　don't。　If　they　do；　that　opens　up　every　possibility　you　could　think　of。　If　we　don't；　it's　just　blotto。　The　end。〃
　　〃Like　going　to　sleep？〃
　　He　considered　this　and　then　said；　〃More　like　having　ether；　I　think。〃
　　〃Which　do　you　have　faith　in；　Daddy？〃
　　The　shadow　on　the　wall　moved　and　came　to　rest　again。
　　For　most　of　his　adult　life…since　college　days；　he　supposed…he　had　believed　that　death　was　the　end。　He　had　been　present　at　many　deathbeds　and　had　never　felt　a　soul　bullet　past　him　on　its　way　to　。　。　。　wherever；　hadn't　this　very　thought　occurred　to　him　upon　the　death　of　Victor　Pascow？　He　had　agreed　with　his　Psychology　I　teacher　that　the　life…after…life　experiences　reported　in　scholarly　journals　and　then　vulgarized　in　the　popular　press　probably　indicated　a　last…ditch　mental　stand　against　the　onrush　of　death…the　endlessly　inventive　human　mind；　staving　off　insanity　to　the　very　end　by　constructing　a　hallucination　of　immortality。
　　He　had　likewise　agreed　with　an　acquaintance　in　the　dorm　who　had　said；　during　an　all…night　bull　session　during　Louis's　sophomore　year　at　Chicago；　that　the　Bible　was　suspiciously　full　of　miracles　which　had　ceased　almost　pletely　during　the　age　of　rationality　（〃totally　ceased；〃　he　had　said　at　first　but　had　been　forced　backward　at　least　one　step　by　others　who　claimed　with　some　authority　that　there　were　still　plenty　of　weird　things　going　on；　little　pockets　of　perplexity　in　a　world　that　had　bee　by　and　large　a　clean；　well…lighted　place…there　was；　for　instance；　the　Shroud　of　Turin；　which　had　survived　every　effort　to　debunk　it）。　〃So　Christ　brought　Lazarus　back　from　the　dead；〃　this　acquaintance…who　had　gone　on　to　bee　a　highly　thought…of　o。b。　man　in　Dearborn；　Michigan…had　said。　〃That's　fine　with　me。　If　I　have　to　swallow　it；　I　will。　I　mean；　I　had　to　buy　the　concept　that　the　fetus　of　one　twin　can　sometimes　swallow　the　fetus　of　the　other　in　utero；　like　some　kind　of　unborn　cannibal；　and　then　show　up　with　teeth　in　his　testes　or　in　his　lungs　twenty　or　thirty　years　later　to　prove　that　he　did　it；　and　I　suppose　if　I　can　buy　that　I　can　buy　anything。　But　I　wanna　see　the　death　certificate…you　dig　what　I'm　saying？　I'm　not　questioning　that　he　came　out　of　the　tomb。　But　I　wanna　see　the　original　death　certificate。　I'm　like　Thomas　saying　he'd　only　believe　Jesus　had　risen　when　he　could　look　through　the　nail　holes　and　stick　his　hands　in　the　guy's　side。　As　far　as　I'm　concerned；　he　was　the　real　physician　of　the　bunch；　not　Luke。〃
　　No；　he　had　never　really　believed　in　survival。　At　least；　not　until　Church。
　　〃I　believe　that　we　go　on；〃　he　told　his　daughter　slowly。　〃But　as　to　what　it's　like；　I　have　no　opinion。　It　may　be　that　it's　different　for　different　people。　It　may　be　that　you　get　what　you　believed　all　your　life。　But　I　believe　we　go　on；　and　I　believe　that　Mrs。　Crandall　is　probably　someplace　where　she　can　be　happy。〃
　　〃You　have　faith　in　that；〃　Ellie　said。　It　was　not　a　question。　She　sounded　awed。
　　Louis　smiled；　a　little　pleased　and　a　little　embarrassed。　〃I　suppose　so。　And　I　have　faith　that　it's　time　for　you　to　go　to　bed。　Like　ten　minutes　ago。〃
　　He　kissed　her　twice；　once　on　the　lips　and　once　on　the　nose。
　　〃Do　you　think　animals　go　on？〃
　　〃Yes；〃　he　said；　without　thinking；　and　for　a　moment　he　almost　added；　Especially　cats。　The　words　had　actually　trembled　on　his　lips　for　a　moment；　and　his　skin　felt　gray　and　cold。
　　〃Okay；〃　she　said　and　slid　down。　〃Gotta　go　kiss　Mommy。〃
　　〃Right　on。〃
　　He　watched　her　go。　At　the　dining　room　doorway；　she　turned　back　and　said；　〃I　was　really　silly　about　Church　that　day；　wasn't　I？　Crying　like　that。〃
　　〃No；　hon；〃　he　said。　〃I　don't　think　you　were　silly。〃
　　〃If　he　died　now；　I　could　take　it；〃　she　said　and　then　seemed　to　consider　the　thought　she　had　just　spoken　aloud；　as　if　mildly　startled。　Then　she　said；　as　if　agreeing　with　herself：　〃Sure　I　could。〃　And　went　to　find　Rachel。
　　Later；　in　bed；　Rachel　said；　〃I　heard　what　you　were　talking　about　with　her。〃
　　〃And　you　don't　approve？〃　Louis　asked。　He　had　decided　that　maybe　it　would　be　best　to　have　this　out；　if　that　was　what　Rachel　wanted。
　　〃No；〃　Rachel　said；　with　a　hesitance　that　was　not　much　like　her。　〃No；　Louis；　it's　not　like　that。　I　just　get。　。　。　scared。　And　you　know　me。　When　I　get　scared；　I　get　defensive。〃
　　Louis　could　not　remember　ever　hearing　Rachel　speak　with　such　effort；　and　suddenly　he　felt　more　cautious　than　he　had　with　Ellie　earlier。　He　felt　that　he　was　in　a　mine　field。
　　〃Scared　of　what？　Dying？〃
　　〃Not　myself；〃　she　said。　〃I　hardly　even　think　of　that　。　。　。　anymore。　But　when　I　was　a　kid；　I　thought　of　it　a　lot。　Lost　a　lot　of　sleep。　Dreamed　of　monsters　ing　to　eat　me　up　in　my　bed；　and　all　of　the　monsters　looked　like　my　sister　Zelda。〃
　　Yes；　Louis　thought。　Here　it　is；　at　last；　after　all　the　time　we've　been　married；　here　it　is。
　　〃You　don't　talk　about　her　much；〃　he　said。
　　Rachel　smiled　and　touched　his　face。　〃You're　sweet；　Louis。　I　never　talk　about　her。　I　try　never　to　think　about　her。〃
　　〃I　always　assumed　you　had　your　reasons。〃
　　〃I　did。　I　do。〃
　　She　paused；　thinking。
　　〃I　know　she　died。　。　。　spinal　meningitis。　。　。〃
　　〃Spinal　meningitis；〃　she　repeated。　〃There　are　no　pictures　of　her　in　the　house　anymore。〃
　　〃There's　a　picture　of　a　young　girl　in　your　father's…〃
　　〃In　his　study。　Yes；　I　forgot　that　one。　And　my　mother　carries　one　in　her　wallet　still；　I　think。　She　was　two　years　older　than　I　was。　She　caught　it。　。　。　and　she　was　in　the　back　bedroom。　。　。　she　was　in　the　back　bedroom　like　a　dirty　secret；　Louis；　she　was　dying　in　there；