the lily of the valley-第61节

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yellowing　oaks；　the　stern　summits；　the　bronzed　foothills。　I　asked

myself　if　Henriette's　virtue　were　not；　after　all；　that　of　ignorance；

and　if　I　were　indeed　guilty　of　her　death。　I　fought　against　remorse。　At

last；　in　the　sweetness　of　an　autumn　midday；　one　of　those　last　smiles

of　heaven　which　are　so　beautiful　in　Touraine；　I　read　the　letter　which

at　her　request　I　was　not　to　open　before　her　death。　Judge　of　my

feelings　as　I　read　it。



　　Madame　de　Mortsauf　to　the　Vicomte　Felix　de　Vandenesse：



　　Felix；　friend；　loved　too　well；　I　must　now　lay　bare　my　heart　to

　　you；not　so　much　to　prove　my　love　as　to　show　you　the　weight　of

　　obligation　you　have　incurred　by　the　depth　and　gravity　of　the

　　wounds　you　have　inflicted　on　it。　At　this　moment；　when　I　sink

　　exhausted　by　the　toils　of　life；　worn　out　by　the　shocks　of　its

　　battle；　the　woman　within　me　is；　mercifully；　dead；　the　mother　alone

　　survives。　Dear；　you　are　now　to　see　how　it　was　that　you　were　the

　　original　cause　of　all　my　sufferings。　Later；　I　willingly　received

　　your　blows；　to…day　I　am　dying　of　the　final　wound　your　hand　has

　　given；but　there　is　joy；　excessive　joy　in　feeling　myself

　　destroyed　by　him　I　love。



　　My　physical　sufferings　will　soon　put　an　end　to　my　mental　strength；

　　I　therefore　use　the　last　clear　gleams　of　intelligence　to　implore

　　you　to　befriend　my　children　and　replace　the　heart　of　which　you

　　have　deprived　them。　I　would　solemnly　impose　this　duty　upon　you　if

　　I　loved　you　less；　but　I　prefer　to　let　you　choose　it　for　yourself

　　as　an　act　of　sacred　repentance；　and　also　in　faithful　continuance

　　of　your　lovelove；　for　us；　was　ever　mingled　with　repentant

　　thoughts　and　expiatory　fears！　butI　know　it　wellwe　shall

　　forever　love　each　other。　Your　wrong　to　me　was　not　so　fatal　an　act

　　in　itself　as　the　power　which　I　let　it　have　within　me。　Did　I　not

　　tell　you　I　was　jealous；　jealous　unto　death？　Well；　I　die　of　it。

　　But；　be　comforted；　we　have　kept　all　human　laws。　The　Church　has

　　told　me；　by　one　of　her　purest　voices；　that　God　will　be　forgiving

　　to　those　who　subdue　their　natural　desires　to　His　commandments。　My

　　beloved；　you　are　now　to　know　all；　for　I　would　not　leave　you　in

　　ignorance　of　any　thought　of　mine。　What　I　confide　to　God　in　my　last

　　hour　you；　too；　must　know；you；　king　of　my　heart　as　He　is　King　of

　　Heaven。



　　Until　the　ball　given　to　the　Duc　d'Angouleme　（the　only　ball　at

　　which　I　was　ever　present）；　marriage　had　left　me　in　that　ignorance

　　which　gives　to　the　soul　of　a　young　girl　the　beauty　of　the　angels。

　　True；　I　was　a　mother；　but　love　had　never　surrounded　me　with　its

　　permitted　pleasures。　How　did　this　happen？　I　do　not　know；　neither

　　do　I　know　by　what　law　everything　within　me　changed　in　a　moment。

　　You　remember　your　kisses？　they　have　mastered　my　life；　they　have

　　furrowed　my　soul；　the　ardor　of　your　blood　awoke　the　ardor　of　mine；

　　your　youth　entered　my　youth；　your　desires　my　soul。　When　I　rose　and

　　left　you　proudly　I　was　filled　with　an　emotion　for　which　I　know　no

　　name　in　any　languagefor　children　have　not　yet　found　a　word　to

　　express　the　marriage　of　their　eyes　with　light；　nor　the　kiss　of

　　life　laid　upon　their　lips。　Yes；　it　was　sound　coming　in　the　echo；

　　light　flashing　through　the　darkness；　motion　shaking　the　universe；

　　at　least；　it　was　rapid　like　all　these　things；　but　far　more　

　　beautiful；　for　it　was　the　birth　of　the　soul！　I　comprehended　then

　　that　something；　I　knew　not　what；　existed　for　me　in　the　world；a

　　force　nobler　than　thought；　for　it　was　all　thoughts；　all　forces；　it

　　was　the　future　itself　in　a　shared　emotion。　I　felt　I　was　but　half　a

　　mother。　Falling　thus　upon　my　heart　this　thunderbolt　awoke　desires

　　which　slumbered　there　without　my　knowledge；　suddenly　I　divined　all

　　that　my　aunt　had　meant　when　she　kissed　my　forehead；　murmuring；

　　〃Poor　Henriette！〃



　　When　I　returned　to　Clochegourde；　the　springtime；　the　first　leaves；

　　the　fragrance　of　the　flowers；　the　white　and　fleecy　clouds；　the

　　Indre；　the　sky；　all　spoke　to　me　in　a　language　till　then　unknown。

　　If　you　have　forgotten　those　terrible　kisses；　I　have　never　been

　　able　to　efface　them　from　my　memory；I　am　dying　of　them！　Yes；　each

　　time　that　I　have　met　you　since；　their　impress　is　revived。　I　was

　　shaken　from　head　to　foot　when　I　first　saw　you；　the　mere

　　presentiment　of　your　coming　overcame　me。　Neither　time　nor　my　firm

　　will　has　enabled　me　to　conquer　that　imperious　sense　of　pleasure。　I

　　asked　myself　involuntarily；　〃What　must　be　such　joys？〃　Our　mutual

　　looks；　the　respectful　kisses　you　laid　upon　my　hand；　the　pressure

　　of　my　arm　on　yours；　your　voice　with　its　tender　tones；all；　even

　　the　slightest　things；　shook　me　so　violently　that　clouds　obscured

　　my　sight；　the　murmur　of　rebellious　senses　filled　my　ears。　Ah！　if

　　in　those　moments　when　outwardly　I　increased　my　coldness　you　had

　　taken　me　in　your　arms　I　should　have　died　of　happiness。　Sometimes　I

　　desired　it；　but　prayer　subdued　the　evil　thought。　Your　name　uttered

　　by　my　children　filled　my　heart　with　warmer　blood；　which　gave　color

　　to　my　cheeks；　I　laid　snares　for　my　poor　Madeleine　to　induce　her　to

　　say　it；　so　much　did　I　love　the　tumults　of　that　sensation。　Ah！　what

　　shall　I　say　to　you？　Your　writing　had　a　charm；　I　gazed　at　your

　　letters　as　we　look　at　a　portrait。



　　If　on　that　first　day　you　obtained　some　fatal　power　over　me；

　　conceive；　dear　friend；　how　infinite　that　power　became　when　it　was

　　given　to　me　to　read　your　soul。　What　delights　filled　me　when　I

　　found　you　so　pure；　so　absolutely　truthful；　gifted　with　noble

　　qualities；　capable　of　noblest　things；　and　already　so　tried！　Man

　　and　child；　timid　yet　brave！　What　joy　to　find　we　both　were

　　consecrated　by　a　common　grief！　Ever　since　that　evening　when　we

　　confided　our　childhoods　to　each　other；　I　have　known　that　to　lose

　　you　would　be　death；yes；　I　have　kept　you　by　me　selfishly。　The

　　certainty　felt　by　Monsieur　de　la　Berge　that　I　should　die　if　I　lost

　　you　touched　him　deeply；　for　he　read　my　soul。　He　knew　how　necessary

　　I　was　to　my　children　and　the　count；　he　did　not　command　me　to

　　forbid　you　my　house；　for　I　promised　to　continue　pure　in　deed　and

　　thought。　〃Thought；〃　he　said　to　me；　〃is　involuntary；　but　it　can　be

　　watched　even　in　the　midst　of　anguish。〃　〃If　I　think；〃　I　replied；　

　　〃all　will　be　lost；　save　me　from　myself。　Let　him　remain　beside　me

　　and　keep　me　pure！〃　The　good　old　man；　though　stern；　was　moved　by　my

　　sincerity。　〃Love　him　as　you　would　a　son；　and　give　him　your　

　　daughter；〃　he　said。　I　accepted　bravely　that　life　of　suffering　that

　　I　might　not　lose　you；　and　I　suffered　joyfully；　seeing　that　we　were

　　called　to　bear　the　same　yokeMy　God！　I　have　been　firm；　faithful

　　to　my　husband；　I　have　given　you　no　foothold；　Felix；　in　your

　　kingdom。　The　grandeur　of　my　passion　has　reacted　on　my　character；　I

　　have　regarded　the　tortures　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　has　inflicted　on

　　me　as　expiations；　I　bore　them　proudly　in　condemnation　of　my　faulty

　　desires。　Formerly　I　was　disposed　to　murmur　at　my　life；　but　since

　　you　entered　it　I　have　recovered　some　gaiety；　and　this　has　been　the

　　better　for　the　count。　Without　this　strength；　which　I　derived

　　through　you；　I　should　long　since　have　succumbed　to　the　inward　life

　　of　which　I　told　you。



　　If　you　have　counted　for　much　in　the　exercise　of　my　duty　so　have　my

　　children　also。　I　felt　I　had　deprived　them　of　something；　and　I

　　feared　I　could　never　do　enough　to　make　amends　to　them；　my　life　was

　　thus　a　continual　struggle　which　I　loved。　Feeling　that　I　was　less　a

　　mother；　less　an　honest　wife；　remorse　entered　my　heart；　fearing　to

　　fail　in　my　obligations；　I　constantly　went　beyond　them。　Often　have

　　I　put　Madeleine　between　you　and　me；　giving　you　to　each　other；

　　raising　barriers　between　us；barriers　that　were　powerless！　for

　　what　could　stifle　the　emotions　which　you　caused　me？　Absent　or

　　present；　you　had　the　same　power。　I　preferred　Madeleine　to　Jacques

　　because　Madeleine　was　sometime　to　be　yours。　But　I　did　not　yield

　　you　to　my　daughter　without　a　struggle。　I　told　myself　that　I　was

　　only　twenty…eight　when　I　first　met　you；　and　you　were　nearly

　　twenty…two；　I　shortened　the　distance　between　us；　I　gave　myself　up

　　to　delusive　hopes。　Oh；　Felix！　I　tell　you　these　things　to　save　you

　　from　remorse；　also；　perhaps；　to　show　you　that　I　was　not　cold　and

　　insensible；　that　our　sufferings　were　cruelly　mutual；　that　Arabella

　　had　no　superiority　of　love　over　mine。　I　too　am　the　daughter　of　a

　　fallen　race；　such　as　men　love　well。



　　There　came　a　moment　when　the　struggle　was　so　terrible　that　I　wept

　　the　long　nights　through；　my　hair　fell　off；you　have　it！　Do　you

　　remember　the　count's　illness？　Your　nobility　of　soul　far　from

　　raising　my　soul　belittled　it。　Alas！　I　dreamed　of　giving　myself　to

　　you　some　day　as　the　reward　of　so　much　heroism；　but　the　folly　was　a

　　brief　one。　I　laid　it　at　the　feet　of　God　during　the　mass　that　day

　　when　you　refused　to　be　with　me。　Jacques'　illness　and　Madeleine's

　　suffer