the lily of the valley-第53节
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〃You were out walking early；〃 said the count； 〃I hope you have brought
back a good appetite； you whose stomach is not yet destroyed。〃
This remark； which brought the smile of a sister to Henriette's lips；
completed my sense of the ridicule of my position。 It was impossible
to be at Clochegourde by day and Saint…Cyr by night。 During the day I
felt how difficult it was to become the friend of a woman we have long
loved。 The transition； easy enough when years have brought it about；
is like an illness in youth。 I was ashamed； I cursed the pleasure Lady
Dudley gave me； I wished that Henriette would demand my blood。 I could
not tear her rival in pieces before her； for she avoided speaking of
her； indeed； had I spoken of Arabella； Henriette； noble and sublime to
the inmost recesses of her heart； would have despised my infamy。 After
five years of delightful intercourse we now had nothing to say to each
other； our words had no connection with our thoughts； we were hiding
from each other our intolerable pain；we； whose mutual sufferings had
been our first interpreter。
Henriette assumed a cheerful look for me as for herself； but she was
sad。 She spoke of herself as my sister； and yet found no ground on
which to converse； and we remained for the greater part of the time in
constrained silence。 She increased my inward misery by feigning to
believe that she was the only victim。
〃I suffer more than you；〃 I said to her at a moment when my self…
styled sister was betrayed into a feminine sarcasm。
〃How so？〃 she said haughtily。
〃Because I am the one to blame。〃
At last her manner became so cold and indifferent that I resolved to
leave Clochegourde。 That evening； on the terrace； I said farewell to
the whole family； who were there assembled。 They all followed me to
the lawn where my horse was waiting。 The countess came to me as I took
the bridle in my hand。
〃Let us walk down the avenue together； alone；〃 she said。
I gave her my arm； and we passed through the courtyard with slow and
measured steps； as though our rhythmic movement were consoling to us。
When we reached the grove of trees which forms a corner of the
boundary she stopped。
〃Farewell； my friend；〃 she said； throwing her head upon my breast and
her arms around my neck； 〃Farewell； we shall never meet again。 God has
given me the sad power to look into the future。 Do you remember the
terror that seized me the day you first came back； so young； so
handsome！ and I saw you turn your back on me as you do this day when
you are leaving Clochegourde and going to Saint…Cyr？ Well； once again；
during the past night I have seen into the future。 Friend； we are
speaking together for the last time。 I can hardly now say a few words
to you； for it is but a part of me that speaks at all。 Death has
already seized on something in me。 You have taken the mother from her
children； I now ask you to take her place to them。 You can； Jacques
and Madeleine love youas if you had always made them suffer。〃
〃Death！〃 I cried； frightened as I looked at her and beheld the fire of
her shining eyes； of which I can give no idea to those who have never
known their dear ones struck down by her fatal malady； unless I
compare those eyes to balls of burnished silver。 〃Die！〃 I said。
〃Henriette； I command you to live。 You used to ask an oath of me； I
now ask one of you。 Swear to me that you will send for Origet and obey
him in everything。〃
〃Would you oppose the mercy of God？〃 she said； interrupting me with a
cry of despair at being thus misunderstood。
〃You do not love me enough to obey me blindly； as that miserable Lady
Dudley does？〃
〃Yes； yes； I will do all you ask；〃 she cried； goaded by jealousy。
〃Then I stay；〃 I said； kissing her on the eyelids。
Frightened at the words； she escaped from my arms and leaned against a
tree； then she turned and walked rapidly homeward without looking
back。 But I followed her； she was weeping and praying。 When we reached
the lawn I took her hand and kissed it respectfully。 This submission
touched her。
〃I am yoursforever； and as you will；〃 I said； 〃for I love you as
your aunt loved you。〃
She trembled and wrung my hand。
〃One look；〃 I said； 〃one more； one last of our old looks！ The woman
who gives herself wholly；〃 I cried； my soul illumined by the glance
she gave me； 〃gives less of life and soul than I have now received。
Henriette； thou art my best…belovedmy only love。〃
〃I shall live！〃 she said； 〃but cure yourself as well。〃
That look had effaced the memory of Arabella's sarcasms。 Thus I was
the plaything of the two irreconcilable passions I have now described
to you； I was influenced by each alternately。 I loved an angel and a
demon； two women equally beautiful；one adorned with all the virtues
which we decry through hatred of our own imperfections； the other with
all the vices which we deify through selfishness。 Returning along that
avenue； looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf； as she
leaned against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their
handkerchiefs； I detected in my soul an emotion of pride in finding
myself the arbiter of two such destinies； the glory； in ways so
different； of women so distinguished； proud of inspiring such great
passions that death must come to whichever I abandoned。 Ah！ believe
me； that passing conceit has been doubly punished！
I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await
the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette； for
she would ever love me。 Her harshness； her tears； her remorse； her
Christian resignation； were so many eloquent signs of a sentiment that
could no more be effaced from her heart than from mine。 Walking slowly
down that pretty avenue and making these reflections； I was no longer
twenty…five； I was fifty years old。 A man passes in a moment； even
more quickly than a woman； from youth to middle age。 Though long ago I
drove these evil thoughts away from me； I was then possessed by them；
I must avow it。 Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the
Tuileries； to the king's cabinet。 Who could resist the polluting
spirit of Louis XVIII。？
When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the
twinkling of an eye； seeing that Henriette was still there； and alone！
I went to bid her a last farewell； bathed in repentant tears； the
cause of which she never knew。 Tears sincere indeed； given； although I
knew it not； to noble loves forever lost； to virgin emotionsthose
flowers of our life which cannot bloom again。 Later； a man gives
nothing； he receives； he loves himself in his mistress； but in youth
he loves his mistress in himself。 Later； we inoculate with our tastes；
perhaps our vices； the woman who loves us； but in the dawn of life she
whom we love conveys to us her virtues； her conscience。 She invites us
with a smile to the noble life； from her we learn the self…devotion
which she practises。 Woe to the man who has not had his Henriette。 Woe
to that other one who has never known a Lady Dudley。 The latter； if he
marries； will not be able to keep his wife； the other will be
abandoned by his mistress。 But joy to him who can find the two women
in one woman； happy the man； dear Natalie； whom you love。
After my return to Paris Arabella and I became more intimate than
ever。 Soon we insensibly abandoned all the conventional restrictions I
had carefully imposed； the strict observance of which often makes the
world forgive the false position in which Lady Dudley had placed
herself。 Society； which delights in looking behind appearances；
sanctions much as soon as it knows the secrets they conceal。 Lovers
who live in the great world make a mistake in flinging down these
barriers exacted by the law of salons； they do wrong not to obey
scrupulously all conventions which the manners and customs of a
community impose；less for the sake of others than for their own。
Outward respect to be maintained； comedies to play； concealments to be
managed； all such strategy of love occupies the life； renews desire；
and protects the heart against the palsy of habit。 But all young
passions； being； like youth itself； essentially spendthrift； raze
their forests to the ground instead of merely cutting the timber。
Arabella adopted none of these bourgeois ideas； and yielded to them
only to please me； she wished to exhibit me to the eyes of all Paris
as her 〃sposo。〃 She employed her powers of seduction to keep me under
her roof； for she was not content with a rumored scandal which； for
want of proof； was only whispered behind the fans。 Seeing her so happy
in committing an imprudence which frankly admitted her position； how
could I help believing in her love？
But no sooner was I plunged into the comforts of illegal marriage than
despair seized upon me； I saw my life bound to a course in direct
defiance of the ideas and the advice given me by Henriette
