the lily of the valley-第48节

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once　I　longed　to　rise　with　you。　Bless　me　by　a　look；　by　a　sacred　word；

I　forgive　you　for　the　sufferings　you　have　caused　me　the　last　two

months。〃



〃Henriette；　there　are　mysteries　in　the　life　of　men　of　which　you　know

nothing。　I　met　you　at　an　age　when　the　feelings　of　the　heart　stifle　the

desires　implanted　in　our　nature；　but　many　scenes；　the　memory　of　which

will　kindle　my　soul　to　the　hour　of　death；　must　have　told　you　that　this

age　was　drawing　to　a　close；　and　it　was　your　constant　triumph　still　to

prolong　its　mute　delights。　A　love　without　possession　is　maintained　by

the　exasperation　of　desire；　but　there　comes　a　moment　when　all　is

suffering　within　usfor　in　this　we　have　no　resemblance　to　you。　We

possess　a　power　we　cannot　abdicate；　or　we　cease　to　be　men。　Deprived　of

the　nourishment　it　needs；　the　heart　feeds　upon　itself；　feeling　an

exhaustion　which　is　not　death；　but　which　precedes　it。　Nature　cannot

long　be　silenced；　some　trifling　accident　awakens　it　to　a　violence　that

seems　like　madness。　No；　I　have　not　loved；　but　I　have　thirsted　in　the

desert。〃



〃The　desert！〃　she　said　bitterly；　pointing　to　the　valley。　〃Ah！〃　she

exclaimed；　〃how　he　reasons！　what　subtle　distinctions！　Faithful　hearts

are　not　so　learned。〃



〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃do　not　quarrel　with　me　for　a　chance　expression。

No；　my　soul　has　not　vacillated；　but　I　have　not　been　master　of　my

senses。　That　woman　is　not　ignorant　that　you　are　the　only　one　I　ever

loved。　She　plays　a　secondary　part　in　my　life；　she　knows　it　and　is

resigned。　I　have　the　right　to　leave　her　as　men　leave　courtesans。〃



〃And　then？〃



〃She　tells　me　that　she　will　kill　herself；〃　I　answered；　thinking　that

this　resolve　would　startle　Henriette。　But　when　she　heard　it　a

disdainful　smile；　more　expressive　than　the　thoughts　it　conveyed；

flickered　on　her　lips。　〃My　dear　conscience；〃　I　continued；　〃if　you

would　take　into　account　my　resistance　and　the　seductions　that　led　to

my　fall　you　would　understand　the　fatal〃



〃Yes；　fatal！〃　she　cried。　〃I　believed　in　you　too　much。　I　believed　you

capable　of　the　virtue　a　priest　practises。　All　is　over；〃　she　continued；

after　a　pause。　〃I　owe　you　much；　my　friend；　you　have　extinguished　in　me

the　fires　of　earthly　life。　The　worst　of　the　way　is　over；　age　is　coming

on。　I　am　ailing　now；　soon　I　may　be　ill；　I　can　never　be　the　brilliant

fairy　who　showers　you　with　favors。　Be　faithful　to　Lady　Dudley。

Madeleine；　whom　I　was　training　to　be　yours；　ah！　who　will　have　her　now？

Poor　Madeleine；　poor　Madeleine！〃　she　repeated；　like　the　mournful

burden　of　a　song。　〃I　would　you　had　heard　her　say　to　me　when　you　came：

'Mother；　you　are　not　kind　to　Felix！'　Dear　creature！〃



She　looked　at　me　in　the　warm　rays　of　the　setting　sun　as　they　glided

through　the　foliage。　Seized　with　compassion　for　the　shipwreck　of　our

lives　she　turned　back　to　memories　of　our　pure　past；　yielding　to

meditations　which　were　mutual。　We　were　silent；　recalling　past　scenes；

our　eyes　went　from　the　valley　to　the　fields；　from　the　windows　of

Clochegourde　to　those　of　Frapesle；　peopling　the　dream　with　my

bouquets；　the　fragrant　language　of　our　desires。　It　was　her　last　hour

of　pleasure；　enjoyed　with　the　purity　of　her　Catholic　soul。　This　scene；

so　grand　to　each　of　us；　cast　its　melancholy　on　both。　She　believed　my

words；　and　saw　where　I　placed　herin　the　skies。



〃My　friend；〃　she　said；　〃I　obey　God；　for　his　hand　is　in　all　this。〃



I　did　not　know　until　much　later　the　deep　meaning　of　her　words。　We

slowly　returned　up　the　terraces。　She　took　my　arm　and　leaned　upon　it

resignedly；　bleeding　still；　but　with　a　bandage　on　her　wound。



〃Human　life　is　thus；〃　she　said。　〃What　had　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　done　to

deserve　his　fate？　It　proves　the　existence　of　a　better　world。　Alas；　for

those　who　walk　in　happier　ways！〃



She　went　on；　estimating　life　so　truly；　considering　its　diverse　aspects

so　profoundly　that　these　cold　judgments　revealed　to　me　the　disgust

that　had　come　upon　her　for　all　things　here　below。　When　we　reached　the

portico　she　dropped　my　arm　and　said　these　last　words：　〃If　God　has

given　us　the　sentiment　and　the　desire　for　happiness　ought　he　not　to

take　charge　himself　of　innocent　souls　who　have　found　sorrow　only　in

this　low　world？　Either　that　must　be　so；　or　God　is　not；　and　our　life　is

no　more　than　a　cruel　jest。〃



She　entered　and　turned　the　house　quickly；　I　found　her　on　the　sofa；

crouching；　as　though　blasted　by　the　voice　which　flung　Saul　to　the

ground。



〃What　is　the　matter？〃　I　asked。



〃I　no　longer　know　what　is　virtue；〃　she　replied；　〃I　have　no

consciousness　of　my　own。〃



We　were　silent；　petrified；　listening　to　the　echo　of　those　words　which

fell　like　a　stone　cast　into　a　gulf。



〃If　I　am　mistaken　in　my　life　SHE　is　right　in　HERS；〃　Henriette　said　at

last。



Thus　her　last　struggle　followed　her　last　happiness。　When　the　count

came　in　she　complained　of　illness；　she　who　never　complained。　I

conjured　her　to　tell　me　exactly　where　she　suffered；　but　she　refused　to

explain　and　went　to　bed；　leaving　me　a　prey　to　unending　remorse。

Madeleine　went　with　her　mother；　and　the　next　day　I　heard　that　the

countess　had　been　seized　with　nausea；　caused；　she　said；　by　the　violent

excitements　of　that　day。　Thus　I；　who　longed　to　give　my　life　for　hers；

I　was　killing　her。



〃Dear　count；〃　I　said　to　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　who　obliged　me　to　play

backgammon；　〃I　think　the　countess　very　seriously　ill。　There　is　still

time　to　save　her；　pray　send　for　Origet；　and　persuade　her　to　follow　his

advice。〃



〃Origet；　who　half　killed　me？〃　cried　the　count。　〃No；　no；　I'll　consult

Carbonneau。〃



During　this　week；　especially　the　first　days　of　it；　everything　was

anguish　to　methe　beginning　of　paralysis　of　the　heartmy　vanity　was

mortified；　my　soul　rent。　One　must　needs　have　been　the　centre　of　all

looks　and　aspirations；　the　mainspring　of　the　life　about　him；　the　torch

from　which　all　others　drew　their　light；　to　understand　the　horror　of

the　void　that　was　now　about　me。　All　things　were　there；　the　same；　but

the　spirit　that　gave　life　to　them　was　extinct；　like　a　blown…out　flame。

I　now　understood　the　desperate　desire　of　lovers　never　to　see　each

other　again　when　love　has　flown。　To　be　nothing　where　we　were　once　so

much！　To　find　the　chilling　silence　of　the　grave　where　life　so　lately

sparkled！　Such　comparisons　are　overwhelming。　I　came　at　last　to　envy

the　dismal　ignorance　of　all　happiness　which　had　darkened　my　youth。　My

despair　became　so　great　that　the　countess；　I　thought；　felt　pity　for

it。　One　day　after　dinner　as　we　were　walking　on　the　meadows　beside　the

river　I　made　a　last　effort　to　obtain　forgiveness。　I　told　Jacques　to　go

on　with　his　sister；　and　leaving　the　count　to　walk　alone；　I　took

Henriette　to　the　punt。



〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃one　word　of　forgiveness；　or　I　fling　myself　into

the　Indre！　I　have　sinned；yes；　it　is　true；　but　am　I　not　like　a　dog　in

his　faithful　attachments？　I　return　like　him；　like　him　ashamed。　If　he

does　wrong　he　is　struck；　but　he　loves　the　hand　that　strikes　him；

strike　me；　bruise　me；　but　give　me　back　your　heart。〃



〃Poor　child；〃　she　said；　〃are　you　not　always　my　son？〃



She　took　my　arm　and　silently　rejoined　her　children；　with　whom　she

returned　to　Clochegourde；　leaving　me　to　the　count；　who　began　to　talk

politics　apropos　of　his　neighbors。



〃Let　us　go　in；〃　I　said；　〃you　are　bare…headed；　and　the　dew　may　do　you

an　injury。〃



〃You　pity　me；　my　dear　Felix；〃　he　answered；　〃you　understand　me；　but　my

wife　never　tries　to　comfort　me；on　principle；　perhaps。〃



Never　would　she　have　left　me　to　walk　home　with　her　husband；　it　was　now

I　who　had　to　find　excuses　to　join　her。　I　found　her　with　her　children；

explaining　the　rules　of　backgammon　to　Jacques。



〃See　there；〃　said　the　count；　who　was　always　jealous　of　the　affection

she　showed　for　her　children；　〃it　is　for　them　that　I　am　neglected。

Husbands；　my　dear　Felix；　are　always　suppressed。　The　most　virtuous

woman　in　the　world　has　ways　of　satisfying　her　desire　to　rob　conjugal

affection。〃



She　said　nothing　and　continued　as　before。



〃Jacques；〃　he　said；　〃come　here。〃



Jacques　objected　slightly。



〃Your　father　wants　you；　go　at　once；　my　son；〃　said　his　mother；　pushing

him。



〃They　love　me　by　order；〃　said　the　old　man；　who　sometimes　perceived　his

situation。



〃Monsieur；〃　she　answered；　passing　her　hand　over　Madeleine's　smooth

tresses；　which　were　dressed　that　day　〃a　la　belle　Ferronniere〃；　〃do　not

be　unjust　to　us　poor　women；　life　is　not　so　easy　for　us　to　bear。

Perhaps　the　children　are　the　virtues　of　a　mother。〃



〃My　dear；〃　said　the　count；　who　took　it　into　his　head　to　be　logical；

〃what　you　say　signifies　that　women　who　have　no　children　would　have　no

virtue；　and　would　leave　their　husbands　in　the　lurch。〃



The　countess　rose　hastily　and　took　Madeleine　to　the　portico。



〃That's　marriage；　my　dear　fellow；〃　remarked　the　count　to　me。　〃Do　you

mean　to　imply　by　going　off　in　that　manner　that　I　am　talking　nonsense？〃

he　cried　to　his　wife；　taking　his　son　by　the　hand　and　going