the lily of the valley-第45节

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Mortsauf　was　the　wife　of　the　soul。　The　love　which　the　mistress

satisfies　has　its　limits；　matter　is　finite；　its　inherent　qualities

have　an　ascertained　force；　it　is　capable　of　saturation；　often　I　felt　a

void　even　in　Paris；　near　Lady　Dudley。　Infinitude　is　the　region　of　the

heart；　love　had　no　limits　at　Clochegourde。　I　loved　Lady　Dudley

passionately；　and　certainly；　though　the　animal　in　her　was　magnificent；

she　was　also　superior　in　mind；　her　sparkling　and　satirical

conversation　had　a　wide　range。　But　I　adored　Henriette。　At　night　I　wept

with　happiness；　in　the　morning　with　remorse。



Some　women　have　the　art　to　hide　their　jealousy　under　a　tone　of　angelic

kindness；　they　are；　like　Lady　Dudley；　over　thirty　years　of　age。　Such

women　know　how　to　feel　and　how　to　calculate；　they　press　out　the　juices

of　to…day　and　think　of　the　future　also；　they　can　stifle　a　moan；　often

a　natural　one；　with　the　will　of　a　huntsman　who　pays　no　heed　to　a　wound

in　the　ardor　of　the　chase。　Without　ever　speaking　of　Madame　de

Mortsauf；　Arabella　endeavored　to　kill　her　in　my　soul；　where　she　ever

found　her；　her　own　passion　increasing　with　the　consciousness　of　that

invincible　love。　Intending　to　triumph　by　comparisons　which　would　turn

to　her　advantage；　she　was　never　suspicious；　or　complaining；　or

inquisitive；　as　are　most　young　women；　but；　like　a　lioness　who　has

seized　her　prey　and　carries　it　to　her　lair　to　devour；　she　watched　that

nothing　should　disturb　her　feast；　and　guarded　me　like　a　rebellious

captive。　I　wrote　to　Henriette　under　her　very　eyes；　but　she　never　read

a　line　of　my　letters；　she　never　sought　in　any　way　to　know　to　whom　they

were　addressed。　I　had　my　liberty；　she　seemed　to　say　to　herself；　〃If　I

lose　him　it　shall　be　my　own　fault；〃　and　she　proudly　relied　on　a　love

that　would　have　given　me　her　life　had　I　asked　for　it；in　fact　she

often　told　me　that　if　I　left　her　she　would　kill　herself。　I　have　heard

her　praise　the　custom　of　Indian　widows　who　burn　themselves　upon　their

husband's　grave。　〃In　India　that　is　a　distinction　reserved　for　the

higher　classes；〃　she　said；　〃and　is　very　little　understood　by

Europeans；　who　are　incapable　of　understanding　the　grandeur　of　the

privilege；　you　must　admit；　however；　that　on　the　dead　level　of　our

modern　customs　aristocracy　can　rise　to　greatness　only　through

unparalleled　devotions。　How　can　I　prove　to　the　middle　classes　that　the

blood　in　my　veins　is　not　the　same　as　theirs；　unless　I　show　them　that　I

can　die　as　they　cannot？　Women　of　no　birth　can　have　diamonds　and　satins

and　horseseven　coats…of…arms；　which　ought　to　be　sacred　to　us；　for

any　one　can　buy　a　name。　But　to　love；　with　our　heads　up；　in　defiance　of

law；　to　die　for　the　idol　we　have　chosen；　with　the　sheets　of　our　bed

for　a　shroud；　to　lay　earth　and　heaven　at　his　feet；　robbing　the

Almighty　of　his　right　to　make　a　god；　and　never　to　betray　that　man；

never；　never；　even　for　virtue's　sake；for；　to　refuse　him　anything　in

the　name　of　duty　is　to　devote　ourselves　to　something　that　is　not　HE；

and　let　that　something　be　a　man　or　an　idea；　it　is　betrayal　all　the

same；these　are　heights　to　which　common　women　cannot　attain；　they

know　but　two　matter…of…fact　ways；　the　great　high…road　of　virtue；　or

the　muddy　path　of　the　courtesan。〃



Pride；　you　see；　was　her　instrument；　she　flattered　all　vanities　by

deifying　them。　She　put　me　so　high　that　she　might　live　at　my　feet；　in

fact；　the　seductions　of　her　spirit　were　literally　expressed　by　an

attitude　of　subserviency　and　her　complete　submission。　In　what　words

shall　I　describe　those　first　six　months　when　I　was　lost　in　enervating

enjoyments；　in　the　meshes　of　a　love　fertile　in　pleasures　and　knowing

how　to　vary　them　with　a　cleverness　learned　by　long　experience；　yet

hiding　that　knowledge　beneath　the　transports　of　passion。　These

pleasures；　the　sudden　revelation　of　the　poetry　of　the　senses；

constitute　the　powerful　tie　which　binds　young　men　to　women　older　than

they。　It　is　the　chain　of　the　galley…slave；　it　leaves　an　ineffaceable

brand　upon　the　soul；　filling　it　with　disgust　for　pure　and　innocent

love　decked　with　flowers　only；　which　serves　no　alcohol　in　curiously

chased　cups　inlaid　with　jewels　and　sparkling　with　unquenchable　fires。



Recalling　my　early　dreams　of　pleasures　I　knew　nothing　of；　expressed　at

Clochegourde　in　my　〃selams；〃　the　voice　of　my　flowers；　pleasures　which

the　union　of　souls　renders　all　the　more　ardent；　I　found　many

sophistries　by　which　I　excused　to　myself　the　delight　with　which　I

drained　that　jewelled　cup。　Often；　when；　lost　in　infinite　lassitude；　my

soul　disengaged　itself　from　the　body　and　floated　far　from　earth；　I

thought　that　these　pleasures　might　be　the　means　of　abolishing　matter

and　of　rendering　to　the　spirit　its　power　to　soar。　Sometimes　Lady

Dudley；　like　other　women；　profited　by　the　exaltation　in　which　I　was　to

bind　me　by　promises；　under　the　lash　of　a　desire　she　wrung　blasphemies

from　my　lips　against　the　angel　at　Clochegourde。　Once　a　traitor　I

became　a　scoundrel。　I　continued　to　write　to　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　in　the

tone　of　the　lad　she　had　first　known　in　his　strange　blue　coat；　but；　I

admit　it；　her　gift　of　second…sight　terrified　me　when　I　thought　what

ruin　the　indiscretion　of　a　word　might　bring　to　the　dear　castle　of　my

hopes。　Often；　in　the　midst　of　my　pleasure　a　sudden　horror　seized　me；　I

heard　the　name　of　Henriette　uttered　by　a　voice　above　me；　like　that　in

the　Scriptures；　demanding：　〃Cain；　where　is　thy　brother　Abel？〃



At　last　my　letters　remained　unanswered。　I　was　seized　with　horrible

anxiety　and　wished　to　leave　for　Clochegourde。　Arabella　did　not　oppose

it；　but　she　talked　of　accompanying　me　to　Touraine。　Her　woman's　wit

told　her　that　the　journey　might　be　a　means　of　finally　detaching　me

from　her　rival；　while　I；　blind　with　fear　and　guilelessly　unsuspicious；

did　not　see　the　trap　she　set　for　me。　Lady　Dudley　herself　proposed　the

humblest　concessions。　She　would　stay　near　Tours；　at　a　little　country…

place；　alone；　disguised；　she　would　refrain　from　going　out　in　the　day…

time；　and　only　meet　me　in　the　evening　when　people　were　not　likely　to

be　about。　I　left　Tours　on　horseback。　I　had　my　reasons　for　this；　my

evening　excursions　to　meet　her　would　require　a　horse；　and　mine　was　an

Arab　which　Lady　Hester　Stanhope　had　sent　to　the　marchioness；　and　which

she　had　lately　exchanged　with　me　for　that　famous　picture　of　Rembrandt

which　I　obtained　in　so　singular　a　way；　and　which　now　hangs　in　her

drawing…room　in　London。　I　took　the　road　I　had　traversed　on　foot　six

years　earlier　and　stopped　beneath　my　walnut…tree。　From　there　I　saw

Madame　de　Mortsauf　in　a　white　dress　standing　at　the　edge　of　the

terrace。　Instantly　I　rode　towards　her　with　the　speed　of　lightning；　in

a　straight　line　and　across　country。　She　heard　the　stride　of　the

swallow　of　the　desert　and　when　I　pulled　him　up　suddenly　at　the

terrace；　she　said　to　me：　〃Oh；　you　here！〃



Those　three　words　blasted　me。　She　knew　my　treachery。　Who　had　told　her？

her　mother；　whose　hateful　letter　she　afterwards　showed　me。　The　feeble；

indifferent　voice；　once　so　full　of　life；　the　dull　pallor　of　its　tones

revealed　a　settled　grief；　exhaling　the　breath　of　flowers　cut　and　left

to　wither。　The　tempest　of　infidelity；　like　those　freshets　of　the　Loire

which　bury　the　meadows　for　all　time　in　sand；　had　torn　its　way　through

her　soul；　leaving　a　desert　where　once　the　verdure　clothed　the　fields。

I　led　my　horse　through　the　little　gate；　he　lay　down　on　the　grass　at　my

command　and　the　countess；　who　came　forward　slowly；　exclaimed；　〃What　a

fine　animal！〃　She　stood　with　folded　arms　lest　I　should　try　to　take　her

hand；　I　guessed　her　meaning。



〃I　will　let　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　know　you　are　here；〃　she　said；　leaving

me。



I　stood　still；　confounded；　letting　her　go；　watching　her；　always　noble；

slow；　and　proud；whiter　than　I　had　ever　seen　her；　on　her　brow　the

yellow　imprint　of　bitterest　melancholy；　her　head　bent　like　a　lily

heavy　with　rain。



〃Henriette！〃　I　cried　in　the　agony　of　a　man　about　to　die。



She　did　not　turn　or　pause；　she　disdained　to　say　that　she　withdrew　from

me　that　name；　but　she　did　not　answer　to　it　and　continued　on。　I　may

feel　paltry　and　small　in　this　dreadful　vale　of　life　where　myriads　of

human　beings　now　dust　make　the　surface　of　the　globe；　small　indeed

among　that　crowd；　hurrying　beneath　the　luminous　spaces　which　light

them；　but　what　sense　of　humiliation　could　equal　that　with　which　I

watched　her　calm　white　figure　inflexibly　mounting　with　even　steps　the

terraces　of　her　chateau　of　Clochegourde；　the　pride　and　the　torture　of

that　Christian　Dido？　I　cursed　Arabella　in　a　single　imprecation　which

might　have　killed　her　had　she　heard　it；　she　who　had　left　all　for　me　as

some　leave　all　for　God。　I　remained　lost　in　a　world　of　thought；

conscious　of　utter　misery　on　all　sides。　Presently　I　saw　the　whole

family　coming　down；　Jacques；　running　with　the　eagerness　of　his　age。

Madeleine；　a　gazelle　with　mournful　eyes；　walked　with　her　mother。

Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　came　to　me　with　open　arms；　pressed　me　to　him　and

kissed