the lily of the valley-第42节

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of　a　sob　violently　suppressed；　I　rushed　into　the　salon　and　found　the

countess　sitting　by　the　window　with　her　handkerchief　to　her　face。　She

heard　my　step　and　made　me　an　imperious　gesture；　commanding　me　to　leave

her。　I　went　up　to　her；　my　heart　stabbed　with　fear；　and　tried　to　take

her　handkerchief　away　by　force。　Her　face　was　bathed　in　tears　and　she

fled　into　her　room；　which　she　did　not　leave　again　until　the　hour　for

evening　prayer。　When　that　was　over；　I　led　her　to　the　terrace　and　asked

the　cause　of　her　emotion；　she　affected　a　wild　gaiety　and　explained　it

by　the　news　Monsieur　Origet　had　given　her。



〃Henriette；　Henriette；　you　knew　that　news　when　I　saw　you　weeping。

Between　you　and　me　a　lie　is　monstrous。　Why　did　you　forbid　me　to　dry

your　tears？　were　they　mine？〃



〃I　was　thinking；〃　she　said；　〃that　for　me　this　illness　has　been　a　halt

in　pain。　Now　that　I　no　longer　fear　for　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　I　fear　for

myself。〃



She　was　right。　The　count's　recovery　was　soon　attested　by　the　return　of

his　fantastic　humor。　He　began　by　saying　that　neither　the　countess；　nor

I；　nor　the　doctor　had　known　how　to　take　care　of　him；　we　were　ignorant

of　his　constitution　and　also　of　his　disease；　we　misunderstood　his

sufferings　and　the　necessary　remedies。　Origet；　infatuated　with　his　own

doctrines；　had　mistaken　the　case；　he　ought　to　have　attended　only　to

the　pylorus。　One　day　he　looked　at　us　maliciously；　with　an　air　of

having　guessed　our　thoughts；　and　said　to　his　wife　with　a　smile；　〃Now；

my　dear；　if　I　had　died　you　would　have　regretted　me；　no　doubt；　but　pray

admit　you　would　have　been　quite　resigned。〃



〃Yes；　I　should　have　mourned　you　in　pink　and　black；　court　mourning；〃

she　answered　laughing；　to　change　the　tone　of　his　remarks。



But　it　was　chiefly　about　his　food；　which　the　doctor　insisted　on

regulating；　that　scenes　of　violence　and　wrangling　now　took　place；

unlike　any　that　had　hitherto　occurred；　for　the　character　of　the　count

was　all　the　more　violent　for　having　slumbered。　The　countess；　fortified

by　the　doctor's　orders　and　the　obedience　of　her　servants；　stimulated

too　by　me；　who　thought　this　struggle　a　good　means　to　teach　her　to

exercise　authority　over　the　count；　held　out　against　his　violence。　She

showed　a　calm　front　to　his　demented　cries；　and　even　grew　accustomed　to

his　insulting　epithets；　taking　him　for　what　he　was；　a　child。　I　had　the

happiness　of　at　last　seeing　her　take　the　reins　in　hand　and　govern　that

unsound　mind。　The　count　cried　out；　but　he　obeyed；　and　he　obeyed　all

the　better　when　he　had　made　an　outcry。　But　in　spite　of　the　evidence　of

good　results；　Henriette　often　wept　at　the　spectacle　of　this　emaciated；

feeble　old　man；　with　a　forehead　yellower　than　the　falling　leaves；　his

eyes　wan；　his　hands　trembling。　She　blamed　herself　for　too　much

severity；　and　could　not　resist　the　joy　she　saw　in　his　eyes　when；　in

measuring　out　his　food；　she　gave　him　more　than　the　doctor　allowed。　She

was　even　more　gentle　and　gracious　to　him　than　she　had　been　to　me；　but

there　were　differences　here　which　filled　my　heart　with　joy。　She　was

not　unwearying；　and　she　sometimes　called　her　servants　to　wait　upon　the

count　when　his　caprices　changed　too　rapidly；　and　he　complained　of　not

being　understood。



The　countess　wished　to　return　thanks　to　God　for　the　count's　recovery；

she　directed　a　mass　to　be　said；　and　asked　if　I　would　take　her　to

church。　I　did　so；　but　I　left　her　at　the　door；　and　went　to　see　Monsieur

and　Madame　Chessel。　On　my　return　she　reproached　me。



〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃I　cannot　be　false。　I　will　throw　myself　into　the

water　to　save　my　enemy　from　drowning；　and　give　him　my　coat　to　keep　him

warm；　I　will　forgive　him；　but　I　cannot　forget　the　wrong。〃



She　was　silent；　but　she　pressed　my　arm。



〃You　are　an　angel；　and　you　were　sincere　in　your　thanksgiving；〃　I　said；

continuing。　〃The　mother　of　the　Prince　of　the　Peace　was　saved　from　the

hands　of　an　angry　populace　who　sought　to　kill　her；　and　when　the　queen

asked；　'What　did　you　do？'　she　answered；　'I　prayed　for　them。'　Women　are

ever　thus。　I　am　a　man；　and　necessarily　imperfect。〃



〃Don't　calumniate　yourself；〃　she　said；　shaking　my　arm；　〃perhaps　you

are　more　worthy　than　I。〃



〃Yes；〃　I　replied；　〃for　I　would　give　eternity　for　a　day　of　happiness；

and　you〃



〃I！〃　she　said　haughtily。



I　was　silent　and　lowered　my　eyes　to　escape　the　lightning　of　hers。



〃There　is　many　an　I　in　me；〃　she　said。　〃Of　which　do　you　speak？　Those

children；〃　pointing　to　Jacques　and　Madeleine；　〃are　oneFelix；〃　she

cried　in　a　heartrending　voice；　〃do　you　think　me　selfish？　Ought　I　to

sacrifice　eternity　to　reward　him　who　devotes　to　me　his　life？　The

thought　is　dreadful；　it　wounds　every　sentiment　of　religion。　Could　a

woman　so　fallen　rise　again？　Would　her　happiness　absolve　her？　These　are

questions　you　force　me　to　consider。Yes；　I　betray　at　last　the　secret

of　my　conscience；　the　thought　has　traversed　my　heart；　often　do　I

expiate　it　by　penance；　it　caused　the　tears　you　asked　me　to　account　for

yesterday〃



〃Do　you　not　give　too　great　importance　to　certain　things　which　common

women　hold　at　a　high　price；　and〃



〃Oh！〃　she　said；　interrupting　me；　〃do　you　hold　them　at　a　lower？〃



This　logic　stopped　all　argument。



〃Know　this；〃　she　continued。　〃I　might　have　the　baseness　to　abandon　that

poor　old　man　whose　life　I　am；　but；　my　friend；　those　other　feeble

creatures　there　before　us；　Madeleine　and　Jacques；　would　remain　with

their　father。　Do　you　think；　I　ask　you　do　you　think　they　would　be　alive

in　three　months　under　the　insane　dominion　of　that　man？　If　my　failure

of　duty　concerned　only　myself〃　A　noble　smile　crossed　her　face。　〃But

shall　I　kill　my　children！　My　God！〃　she　exclaimed。　〃Why　speak　of　these

things？　Marry；　and　let　me　die！〃



She　said　the　words　in　a　tone　so　bitter；　so　hollow；　that　they　stifled

the　remonstrances　of　my　passion。



〃You　uttered　cries　that　day　beneath　the　walnut…tree；　I　have　uttered　my

cries　here　beneath　these　alders；　that　is　all；〃　I　said；　〃I　will　be

silent　henceforth。〃



〃Your　generosity　shames　me；〃　she　said；　raising　her　eyes　to　heaven。



We　reached　the　terrace　and　found　the　count　sitting　in　a　chair；　in　the

sun。　The　sight　of　that　sunken　face；　scarcely　brightened　by　a　feeble

smile；　extinguished　the　last　flames　that　came　from　the　ashes。　I　leaned

against　the　balustrade　and　considered　the　picture　of　that　poor　wreck；

between　his　sickly　children　and　his　wife；　pale　with　her　vigils；　worn

out　by　extreme　fatigue；　by　the　fears；　perhaps　also　by　the　joys　of

these　terrible　months；　but　whose　cheeks　now　glowed　from　the　emotions

she　had　just　passed　through。　At　the　sight　of　that　suffering　family

beneath　the　trembling　leafage　through　which　the　gray　light　of　a　cloudy

autumn　sky　came　dimly；　I　felt　within　me　a　rupture　of　the　bonds　which

hold　the　body　to　the　spirit。　There　came　upon　me　then　that　moral　spleen

which；　they　say；　the　strongest　wrestlers　know　in　the　crisis　of　their

combats；　a　species　of　cold　madness　which　makes　a　coward　of　the　bravest

man；　a　bigot　of　an　unbeliever；　and　renders　those　it　grasps　indifferent

to　all　things；　even　to　vital　sentiments；　to　honor；　to　lovefor　the

doubt　it　brings　takes　from　us　the　knowledge　of　ourselves　and　disgusts

us　with　life　itself。　Poor；　nervous　creatures；　whom　the　very　richness

of　your　organization　delivers　over　to　this　mysterious；　fatal　power；

who　are　your　peers　and　who　your　judges？　Horrified　by　the　thoughts　that

rose　within　me；　and　demanding；　like　the　wicked　man；　〃Where　is　now　thy

God？〃　I　could　not　restrain　the　tears　that　rolled　down　my　cheeks。



〃What　is　it；　dear　Felix？〃　said　Madeleine　in　her　childish　voice。



Then　Henriette　put　to　flight　these　dark　horrors　of　the　mind　by　a　look

of　tender　solicitude　which　shone　into　my　soul　like　a　sunbeam。　Just

then　the　old　huntsman　brought　me　a　letter　from　Tours；　at　sight　of

which　I　made　a　sudden　cry　of　surprise；　which　made　Madame　de　Mortsauf

tremble。　I　saw　the　king's　signet　and　knew　it　contained　my　recall。　I

gave　her　the　letter　and　she　read　it　at　a　glance。



〃What　will　become　of　me？〃　she　murmured；　beholding　her　desert　sunless。



We　fell　into　a　stupor　of　thought　which　oppressed　us　equally；　never　had

we　felt　more　strongly　how　necessary　we　were　to　one　another。　The

countess；　even　when　she　spoke　indifferently　of　other　things；　seemed　to

have　a　new　voice；　as　if　the　instrument　had　lost　some　chords　and　others

were　out　of　tune。　Her　movements　were　apathetic；　her　eyes　without

light。　I　begged　her　to　tell　me　her　thoughts。



〃Have　I　any？〃　she　replied　in　a　dazed　way。



She　drew　me　into　her　chamber；　made　me　sit　upon　the　sofa；　took　a

package　from　the　drawer　of　her　dressing…table；　and　knelt　before　me；

saying：　〃This　hair　has　fallen　from　my　head　during　the　last　year；　take

it；　it　is　yours；　you　will　some　day　know　how　and　why。〃



Slowly　I　bent　to　meet　her　brow；　and　she　did　not　avoid　my　lips。　I

kissed　her　sacredly；　without　unworthy　passion；　without　one　impure

impulse；　but　solemnly；　with　tenderness。　Was　she　willing　to　make　the