the lily of the valley-第4节

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not　to　worldly　Jesuitism；　and　the　heart　throbs　as　violently　from

trepidation　as　from　the　generous　impulses　of　young　emotion。



I　need　say　nothing　of　the　journey　I　made　with　my　mother　from　Paris　to

Tours。　The　coldness　of　her　behavior　repressed　me。　At　each　relay　I

tried　to　speak；　but　a　look；　a　word　from　her　frightened　away　the

speeches　I　had　been　meditating。　At　Orleans；　where　we　had　passed　the

night；　my　mother　complained　of　my　silence。　I　threw　myself　at　her　feet

and　clasped　her　knees；　with　tears　I　opened　my　heart。　I　tried　to　touch

hers　by　the　eloquence　of　my　hungry　love　in　accents　that　might　have

moved　a　stepmother。　She　replied　that　I　was　playing　comedy。　I

complained　that　she　had　abandoned　me。　She　called　me　an　unnatural

child。　My　whole　nature　was　so　wrung　that　at　Blois　I　went　upon　the

bridge　to　drown　myself　in　the　Loire。　The　height　of　the　parapet

prevented　my　suicide。



When　I　reached　home；　my　two　sisters；　who　did　not　know　me；　showed　more

surprise　than　tenderness。　Afterwards；　however；　they　seemed；　by

comparison；　to　be　full　of　kindness　towards　me。　I　was　given　a　room　on

the　third　story。　You　will　understand　the　extent　of　my　hardships　when　I

tell　you　that　my　mother　left　me；　a　young　man　of　twenty；　without　other

linen　than　my　miserable　school　outfit；　or　any　other　outside　clothes

than　those　I　had　long　worn　in　Paris。　If　I　ran　from　one　end　of　the　room

to　the　other　to　pick　up　her　handkerchief；　she　took　it　with　the　cold

thanks　a　lady　gives　to　her　footman。　Driven　to　watch　her　to　find　if

there　were　any　soft　spot　where　I　could　fasten　the　rootlets　of

affection；　I　came　to　see　her　as　she　was；a　tall；　spare　woman；　given

to　cards；　egotistical　and　insolent；　like　all　the　Listomeres；　who　count

insolence　as　part　of　their　dowry。　She　saw　nothing　in　life　except

duties　to　be　fulfilled。　All　cold　women　whom　I　have　known　made；　as　she

did；　a　religion　of　duty；　she　received　our　homage　as　a　priest　receives

the　incense　of　the　mass。　My　elder　brother　appeared　to　absorb　the

trifling　sentiment　of　maternity　which　was　in　her　nature。　She　stabbed

us　constantly　with　her　sharp　irony；the　weapon　of　those　who　have　no

heart；and　which　she　used　against　us；　who　could　make　her　no　reply。



Notwithstanding　these　thorny　hindrances；　the　instinctive　sentiments

have　so　many　roots；　the　religious　fear　inspired　by　a　mother　whom　it　is

dangerous　to　displease　holds　by　so　many　threads；　that　the　sublime

mistakeif　I　may　so　call　itof　our　love　for　our　mother　lasted　until

the　day；　much　later　in　our　lives；　when　we　judged　her　finally。　This

terrible　despotism　drove　from　my　mind　all　thoughts　of　the　voluptuous

enjoyments　I　had　dreamed　of　finding　at　Tours。　In　despair　I　took　refuge

in　my　father's　library；　where　I　set　myself　to　read　every　book　I　did

not　know。　These　long　periods　of　hard　study　saved　me　from　contact　with

my　mother；　but　they　aggravated　the　dangers　of　my　moral　condition。

Sometimes　my　eldest　sistershe　who　afterwards　married　our　cousin；　the

Marquis　de　Listomeretried　to　comfort　me；　without；　however；　being

able　to　calm　the　irritation　to　which　I　was　a　victim。　I　desired　to　die。



Great　events；　of　which　I　knew　nothing；　were　then　in　preparation。　The

Duc　d'Angouleme；　who　had　left　Bordeaux　to　join　Louis　XVIII。　in　Paris；

was　received　in　every　town　through　which　he　passed　with　ovations

inspired　by　the　enthusiasm　felt　throughout　old　France　at　the　return　of

the　Bourbons。　Touraine　was　aroused　for　its　legitimate　princes；　the

town　itself　was　in　a　flutter；　every　window　decorated；　the　inhabitants

in　their　Sunday　clothes；　a　festival　in　preparation；　and　that　nameless

excitement　in　the　air　which　intoxicates；　and　which　gave　me　a　strong

desire　to　be　present　at　the　ball　given　by　the　duke。　When　I　summoned

courage　to　make　this　request　of　my　mother；　who　was　too　ill　to　go

herself；　she　became　extremely　angry。　〃Had　I　come　from　Congo？〃　she

inquired。　〃How　could　I　suppose　that　our　family　would　not　be

represented　at　the　ball？　In　the　absence　of　my　father　and　brother；　of

course　it　was　my　duty　to　be　present。　Had　I　no　mother？　Was　she　not

always　thinking　of　the　welfare　of　her　children？〃



In　a　moment　the　semi…disinherited　son　had　become　a　personage！　I　was

more　dumfounded　by　my　importance　than　by　the　deluge　of　ironical

reasoning　with　which　my　mother　received　my　request。　I　questioned　my

sisters；　and　then　discovered　that　my　mother；　who　liked　such　theatrical

plots；　was　already　attending　to　my　clothes。　The　tailors　in　Tours　were

fully　occupied　by　the　sudden　demands　of　their　regular　customers；　and

my　mother　was　forced　to　employ　her　usual　seamstress；　whoaccording　to

provincial　customcould　do　all　kinds　of　sewing。　A　bottle…blue　coat

had　been　secretly　made　for　me；　after　a　fashion；　and　silk　stockings　and

pumps　provided；　waistcoats　were　then　worn　short；　so　that　I　could　wear

one　of　my　father's；　and　for　the　first　time　in　my　life　I　had　a　shirt

with　a　frill；　the　pleatings　of　which　puffed　out　my　chest　and　were

gathered　in　to　the　knot　of　my　cravat。　When　dressed　in　this　apparel　I

looked　so　little　like　myself　that　my　sister's　compliments　nerved　me　to

face　all　Touraine　at　the　ball。　But　it　was　a　bold　enterprise。　Thanks　to

my　slimness　I　slipped　into　a　tent　set　up　in　the　gardens　of　the　Papion

house；　and　found　a　place　close　to　the　armchair　in　which　the　duke　was

seated。　Instantly　I　was　suffocated　by　the　heat；　and　dazzled　by　the

lights；　the　scarlet　draperies；　the　gilded　ornaments；　the　dresses；　and

the　diamonds　of　the　first　public　ball　I　had　ever　witnessed。　I　was

pushed　hither　and　thither　by　a　mass　of　men　and　women；　who　hustled　each

other　in　a　cloud　of　dust。　The　brazen　clash　of　military　music　was

drowned　in　the　hurrahs　and　acclamations　of　〃Long　live　the　Duc

d'Angouleme！　Long　live　the　King！　Long　live　the　Bourbons！〃　The　ball　was

an　outburst　of　pent…up　enthusiasm；　where　each　man　endeavored　to　outdo

the　rest　in　his　fierce　haste　to　worship　the　rising　sun；an　exhibition

of　partisan　greed　which　left　me　unmoved；　or　rather；　it　disgusted　me

and　drove　me　back　within　myself。



Swept　onward　like　a　straw　in　the　whirlwind；　I　was　seized　with　a

childish　desire　to　be　the　Duc　d'Angouleme　himself；　to　be　one　of　these

princes　parading　before　an　awed　assemblage。　This　silly　fancy　of　a

Tourangean　lad　roused　an　ambition　to　which　my　nature　and　the

surrounding　circumstances　lent　dignity。　Who　would　not　envy　such

worship？a　magnificent　repetition　of　which　I　saw　a　few　months　later；

when　all　Paris　rushed　to　the　feet　of　the　Emperor　on　his　return　from

Elba。　The　sense　of　this　dominion　exercised　over　the　masses；　whose

feelings　and　whose　very　life　are　thus　merged　into　one　soul；　dedicated

me　then　and　thenceforth　to　glory；　that　priestess　who　slaughters　the

Frenchmen　of　to…day　as　the　Druidess　once　sacrificed　the　Gauls。



Suddenly　I　met　the　woman　who　was　destined　to　spur　these　ambitious

desires　and　to　crown　them　by　sending　me　into　the　heart　of　royalty。　Too

timid　to　ask　any　one　to　dance；fearing；　moreover；　to　confuse　the

figures；I　naturally　became　very　awkward；　and　did　not　know　what　to　do

with　my　arms　and　legs。　Just　as　I　was　suffering　severely　from　the

pressure　of　the　crowd　an　officer　stepped　on　my　feet；　swollen　by　the

new　leather　of　my　shoes　as　well　as　by　the　heat。　This　disgusted　me　with

the　whole　affair。　It　was　impossible　to　get　away；　but　I　took　refuge　in

a　corner　of　a　room　at　the　end　of　an　empty　bench；　where　I　sat　with

fixed　eyes；　motionless　and　sullen。　Misled　by　my　puny　appearance；　a

womantaking　me　for　a　sleepy　childslid　softly　into　the　place　beside

me；　with　the　motion　of　a　bird　as　she　drops　upon　her　nest。　Instantly　I

breathed　the　woman…atmosphere；　which　irradiated　my　soul　as；　in　after

days；　oriental　poesy　has　shone　there。　I　looked　at　my　neighbor；　and　was

more　dazzled　by　that　vision　than　I　had　been　by　the　scene　of　the　fete。



If　you　have　understood　this　history　of　my　early　life　you　will　guess

the　feelings　which　now　welled　up　within　me。　My　eyes　rested　suddenly　on

white；　rounded　shoulders　where　I　would　fain　have　laid　my　head；

shoulders　faintly　rosy；　which　seemed　to　blush　as　if　uncovered　for　the

first　time；　modest　shoulders；　that　possessed　a　soul；　and　reflected

light　from　their　satin　surface　as　from　a　silken　texture。　These

shoulders　were　parted　by　a　line　along　which　my　eyes　wandered。　I　raised

myself　to　see　the　bust　and　was　spell…bound　by　the　beauty　of　the　bosom；

chastely　covered　with　gauze；　where　blue…veined　globes　of　perfect

outline　were　softly　hidden　in　waves　of　lace。　The　slightest　details　of

the　head　were　each　and　all　enchantments　which　awakened　infinite

delights　within　me；　the　brilliancy　of　the　hair　laid　smoothly　above　a

neck　as　soft　and　velvety　as　a　child's；　the　white　lines　drawn　by　the

comb　where　my　imagination　ran　as　along　a　dewy　path；all　these　things

put　me；　as　it　were；　beside　myself。　Glancing　round　to　be　sure　that　no

one　saw　me；　I　threw　myself　upon　those　shoulders　as　a　child　upon　the

breast　of　its　mother；　kissing　them　as　I　laid　my　head　there。　The　woman

uttered　a　piercing　cry；　which　the　noise　of　the　musi