the lily of the valley-第14节

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principles　or　the　rules　he　had　explained；　if　I　reflected　before　I

played　he　complained　of　my　slowness；　if　I　played　fast　he　was　angry

because　I　hurried　him；　if　I　forgot　to　mark　my　points　he　declared；

making　his　profit　out　of　the　mistake；　that　I　was　always　too　rapid。　It

was　like　the　tyranny　of　a　schoolmaster；　the　despotism　of　the　rod；　of

which　I　can　really　give　you　no　idea　unless　I　compare　myself　to

Epictetus　under　the　yoke　of　a　malicious　child。　When　we　played　for

money　his　winnings　gave　him　the　meanest　and　most　abject　delight。



A　word　from　his　wife　was　enough　to　console　me；　and　it　frequently

recalled　him　to　a　sense　of　politeness　and　good…breeding。　But　before

long　I　fell　into　the　furnace　of　an　unexpected　misery。　My　money　was

disappearing　under　these　losses。　Though　the　count　was　always　present

during　my　visits　until　I　left　the　house；　which　was　sometimes　very

late；　I　cherished　the　hope　of　finding　some　moment　when　I　might　say　a

word　that　would　reach　my　idol's　heart；　but　to　obtain　that　moment；　for

which　I　watched　and　waited　with　a　hunter's　painful　patience；　I　was

forced　to　continue　these　weary　games；　during　which　my　feelings　were

lacerated　and　my　money　lost。　Still；　there　were　moments　when　we　were

silent；　she　and　I；　looking　at　the　sunlight　on　the　meadows；　the　clouds

in　a　gray　sky；　the　misty　hills；　or　the　quivering　of　the　moon　on　the

sandbanks　of　the　river；　saying　only；　〃Night　is　beautiful！〃



〃Night　is　woman；　madame。〃



〃What　tranquillity！〃



〃Yes；　no　one　can　be　absolutely　wretched　here。〃



Then　she　would　return　to　her　embroidery　frame。　I　came　at　last　to　hear

the　inward　beatings　of　an　affection　which　sought　its　object。　But　the

fact　remainedwithout　money；　farewell　to　these　evenings。　I　wrote　to

my　mother　to　send　me　some。　She　scolded　me　and　sent　only　enough　to　last

a　week。　Where　could　I　get　more？　My　life　depended　on　it。　Thus　it

happened　that　in　the　dawn　of　my　first　great　happiness　I　found　the　same

sufferings　that　assailed　me　elsewhere；　but　in　Paris；　at　college；　at

school　I　evaded　them　by　abstinence；　there　my　privations　were　negative；

at　Frapesle　they　were　active；　so　active　that　I　was　possessed　by　the

impulse　to　theft；　by　visions　of　crime；　furious　desperations　which　rend

the　soul　and　must　be　subdued　under　pain　of　losing　our　self…respect。

The　memory　of　what　I　suffered　through　my　mother's　parsimony　taught　me

that　indulgence　for　young　men　which　one　who　has　stood　upon　the　brink

of　the　abyss　and　measured　its　depths；　without　falling　into　them；　must

inevitably　feel。　Though　my　own　rectitude　was　strengthened　by　those

moments　when　life　opened　and　let　me　see　the　rocks　and　quicksands

beneath　the　surface；　I　have　never　known　that　terrible　thing　called

human　justice　draw　its　blade　through　the　throat　of　a　criminal　without

saying　to　myself：　〃Penal　laws　are　made　by　men　who　have　never　known

misery。〃



At　this　crisis　I　happened　to　find　a　treatise　on　backgammon　in　Monsieur

de　Chessel's　library；　and　I　studied　it。　My　host　was　kind　enough　to

give　me　a　few　lessons；　less　harshly　taught　by　the　count　I　made　good

progress　and　applied　the　rules　and　calculations　I　knew　by　heart。

Within　a　few　days　I　was　able　to　beat　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　but　no

sooner　had　I　done　so　and　won　his　money　for　the　first　time　than　his

temper　became　intolerable；　his　eyes　glittered　like　those　of　tigers；

his　face　shrivelled；　his　brows　knit　as　I　never　saw　brows　knit　before

or　since。　His　complainings　were　those　of　a　fretful　child。　Sometimes　he

flung　down　the　dice；　quivered　with　rage；　bit　the　dice…box；　and　said

insulting　things　to　me。　Such　violence；　however；　came　to　an　end。　When　I

had　acquired　enough　mastery　of　the　game　I　played　it　to　suit　me；　I　so

managed　that　we　were　nearly　equal　up　to　the　last　moment；　I　allowed　him

to　win　the　first　half　and　made　matters　even　during　the　last　half。　The

end　of　the　world　would　have　surprised　him　less　than　the　rapid

superiority　of　his　pupil；　but　he　never　admitted　it。　The　unvarying

result　of　our　games　was　a　topic　of　discourse　on　which　he　fastened。



〃My　poor　head；〃　he　would　say；　〃is　fatigued；　you　manage　to　win　the　last

of　the　game　because　by　that　time　I　lose　my　skill。〃



The　countess；　who　knew　backgammon；　understood　my　manoeuvres　from　the

first；　and　gave　me　those　mute　thanks　which　swell　the　heart　of　a　young

man；　she　granted　me　the　same　look　she　gave　to　her　children。　From　that

ever…blessed　evening　she　always　looked　at　me　when　she　spoke。　I　cannot

explain　to　you　the　condition　I　was　in　when　I　left　her。　My　soul　had

annihilated　my　body；　it　weighed　nothing；　I　did　not　walk；　I　flew。　That

look　I　carried　within　me；　it　bathed　me　with　light　just　as　her　last

words；　〃Adieu；　monsieur；〃　still　sounded　in　my　soul　with　the　harmonies

of　〃O　filii；　o　filioe〃　in　the　paschal　choir。　I　was　born　into　a　new

life；　I　was　something　to　her！　I　slept　on　purple　and　fine　linen。　Flames

darted　before　my　closed　eyelids；　chasing　each　other　in　the　darkness

like　threads　of　fire　in　the　ashes　of　burned　paper。　In　my　dreams　her

voice　became；　though　I　cannot　describe　it；　palpable；　an　atmosphere　of

light　and　fragrance　wrapping　me；　a　melody　enfolding　my　spirit。　On　the

morrow　her　greeting　expressed　the　fulness　of　feelings　that　remained

unuttered；　and　from　that　moment　I　was　initiated　into　the　secrets　of

her　voice。



That　day　was　to　be　one　of　the　most　decisive　of　my　life。　After　dinner

we　walked　on　the　heights　across　a　barren　plain　where　no　herbage　grew；

the　ground　was　stony；　arid；　and　without　vegetable　soil　of　any　kind；

nevertheless　a　few　scrub　oaks　and　thorny　bushes　straggled　there；　and

in　place　of　grass；　a　carpet　of　crimped　mosses；　illuminated　by　the

setting　sun　and　so　dry　that　our　feet　slipped　upon　it。　I　held　Madeleine

by　the　hand　to　keep　her　up。　Madame　de　Mortsauf　was　leading　Jacques。

The　count；　who　was　in　front；　suddenly　turned　round　and　striking　the

earth　with　his　cane　said　to　me　in　a　dreadful　tone：　〃Such　is　my　life！

but　before　I　knew　you；〃　he　added　with　a　look　of　penitence　at　his　wife。

The　reparation　was　tardy；　for　the　countess　had　turned　pale；　what　woman

would　not　have　staggered　as　she　did　under　the　blow？



〃But　what　delightful　scenes　are　wafted　here；　and　what　a　view　of　the

sunset！〃　I　cried。　〃For　my　part　I　should　like　to　own　this　barren　moor；

I　fancy　there　may　be　treasures　if　we　dig　for　them。　But　its　greatest

wealth　is　that　of　being　near　you。　Who　would　not　pay　a　great　cost　for

such　a　view？all　harmony　to　the　eye；　with　that　winding　river　where

the　soul　may　bathe　among　the　ash…trees　and　the　alders。　See　the

difference　of　taste！　To　you　this　spot　of　earth　is　a　barren　waste；　to

me；　it　is　paradise。〃



She　thanked　me　with　a　look。



〃Bucolics！〃　exclaimed　the　count；　with　a　bitter　look。　〃This　is　no　life

for　a　man　who　bears　your　name。〃　Then　he　suddenly　changed　his　tone

〃The　bells！〃　he　cried；　〃don't　you　hear　the　bells　of　Azay？　I　hear　them

ringing。〃



Madame　de　Mortsauf　gave　me　a　frightened　look。　Madeleine　clung　to　my

hand。



〃Suppose　we　play　a　game　of　backgammon？〃　I　said。　〃Let　us　go　back；　the

rattle　of　the　dice　will　drown　the　sound　of　the　bells。〃



We　returned　to　Clochegourde；　conversing　by　fits　and　starts。　Once　in

the　salon　an　indefinable　uncertainty　and　dread　took　possession　of　us。

The　count　flung　himself　into　an　armchair；　absorbed　in　reverie；　which

his　wife；　who　knew　the　symptoms　of　his　malady　and　could　foresee　an

outbreak；　was　careful　not　to　interrupt。　I　also　kept　silence。　As　she

gave　me　no　hint　to　leave；　perhaps　she　thought　backgammon　might　divert

the　count's　mind　and　quiet　those　fatal　nervous　susceptibilities；　the

excitements　of　which　were　killing　him。　Nothing　was　ever　harder　than　to

make　him　play　that　game；　which；　however；　he　had　a　great　desire　to

play。　Like　a　pretty　woman；　he　always　required　to　be　coaxed；　entreated；

forced；　so　that　he　might　not　seem　the　obliged　person。　If　by　chance；

being　interested　in　the　conversation；　I　forgot　to　propose　it；　he　grew

sulky；　bitter；　insulting；　and　spoiled　the　talk　by　contradicting

everything。　If；　warned　by　his　ill…humor；　I　suggested　a　game；　he　would

dally　and　demur。　〃In　the　first　place；　it　is　too　late；〃　he　would　say；

〃besides；　I　don't　care　for　it。〃　Then　followed　a　series　of　affectations

like　those　of　women；　which　often　leave　you　in　ignorance　of　their　real

wishes。



On　this　occasion　I　pretended　a　wild　gaiety　to　induce　him　to　play。　He

complained　of　giddiness　which　hindered　him　from　calculating；　his

brain；　he　said；　was　squeezed　into　a　vice；　he　heard　noises；　he　was

choking；　and　thereupon　he　sighed　heavily。　At　last；　however；　he

consented　to　the　game。　Madame　de　Mortsauf　left　us　to　put　the　children

to　bed　and　lead　the　household　in　family　prayers。　All　went　well　during

her　absence；　I　allowed　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　to　win；　and　his　delight

seemed　to　put　him　beside　himself。　This　sudden　change　from　a　gloom　that

led　him　to　make　the　darkest　predictions　to　the　wild　joy　of　a　drunken

man；　expressed　in　a　crazy　laugh　and　without　any　adequate　motive；

distressed　and　alarmed　me。　I　had