the secret places of the heart-第32节

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nd；　exhausted　by　moral　effort；　lay　staring　at　the　darkness。　〃It　has　to　be　done。　I　believe　I　can　carry　her　through　with　it　if　I　can　carry　myself。　She's　a　finer　thing　than　I　am。　。　。　。　On　the　whole　I　am　glad　it's　only　one　more　day。　Belinda　will　be　about。　。　。　。　Afterwards　we　can　write　to　each　other。　。　。　。　If　we　can　get　over　the　next　day　it　will　be　all　right。　Then　we　can　write　about　fuel　and　politicsand　there　won't　be　her　voice　and　her　presence。　We　shall　really　SUBLIMATE。　。　。　。　First　class　idea　sublimate！　。　。　。　。　And　I　will　go　back　to　dear　old　Martin　who's　all　alone　there　and　miserable；　I'll　be　kind　to　her　and　play　my　part　and　tell　her　her　Carbuncle　scar　rather　becomes　her。　。　。　。　And　in　a　little　while　I　shall　be　altogether　in　love　with　her　again。　〃Queer　what　a　brute　I've　always　been　to　Martin。〃　〃Queer　that　Martin　can　come　in　a　dream　to　me　and　take　the　upper　hand　with　me。　〃Queer　that　NOWI　love　Martin。〃　He　thought　still　more　profoundly。　〃By　the　time　the　Committee　meets　again　I　shall　have　been　tremendously　refreshed。〃　He　repeated：〃Put　things　on　the　Higher　Plane　and　keep　them　there。　Then　go　back　to　Martin。　And　so　to　the　work。　That's　it。　。　。　。〃　Nothing　so　pacifies　the　mind　as　a　clear…cut　purpose。　Sir　Richmond　fell　asleep　during　the　fourth　recapitulation　of　this　programme。　Section　3　When　Miss　Grammont　appeared　at　breakfast　Sir　Richmond　saw　at　once　that　she　too　had　had　a　restless　night。　When　she　came　into　the　little　long　breakfast　room　of　the　inn　with　its　brown　screens　and　its　neat　white　tables　it　seemed　to　him　that　the　Miss　Grammont　of　his　nocturnal　speculations；　the　beautiful　young　lady　who　had　to　be　protected　and　managed　and　loved　unselfishly；　vanished　like　some　exorcised　intruder。　Instead　was　this　real　dear　young　woman；　who　had　been　completely　forgotten　during　the　reign　of　her　simulacrum　and　who　now　returned　completely　remembered；　familiar；　friendly；　intimate。　She　touched　his　hand　for　a　moment；　she　met　his　eyes　with　the　shadow　of　a　smile　in　her　own。　〃Oranges！〃　said　Belinda　from　the　table　by　the　window。　〃Beautiful　oranges。〃　She　had　been　preparing　them；　poor　Trans…atlantic　exile；　after　the　fashion　in　which　grape　fruits　are　prepared　upon　liners　and　in　the　civilized　world　of　the　west。　〃He's　getting　us　tea　spoons；〃　said　Belinda；　as　they　sat　down。　〃This　is　realler　England　than　ever；〃　she　said。　〃I've　been　up　an　hour。　I　found　a　little　path　down　to　the　river　bank。　It's　the　greenest　morning　world　and　full　of　wild　flowers。　Look　at　these。〃　〃That's　lady's　smock；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃It's　not　really　a　flower；　it's　a　quotation　from　Shakespeare。〃　〃And　there　are　cowslips！〃　〃CUCKOO　BUDS　OF　YELLOW　HUE。　DO　PAINT　THE　MEADOWS　WITH　DELIGHT。　All　the　English　flowers　come　out　of　Shakespeare。　I　don't　know　what　we　did　before　his　time。〃　The　waiter　arrived　with　the　tea　spoons　for　the　oranges。　Belinda；　having　distributed　these；　resumed　her　discourse　of　enthusiasm　for　England。　She　asked　a　score　of　questions　about　Gloucester　and　Chepstow；　the　Severn　and　the　Romans　and　the　Welsh；　and　did　not　wait　for　the　answers。　She　did　not　want　answers；　she　talked　to　keep　things　going。　Her　talk　masked　a　certain　constraint　that　came　upon　her　companions　after　the　first　morning's　greetings　were　over。　Sir　Richmond　as　he　had　planned　upstairs　produced　two　Michelin　maps。　〃To…day；〃　he　said；〃　we　will　run　back　to　Bathfrom　which　it　will　be　easy　for　you　to　train　to　Falmouth。　We　will　go　by　Monmouth　and　then　turn　back　through　the　Forest　of　Dean；　where　you　will　get　glimpses　of　primitive　coal　mines　still　worked　by　two　men　and　a　boy　with　a　windlass　and　a　pail。　Perhaps　we　will　go　through　Cirencester。　I　don't　know。　Perhaps　it　is　better　to　go　straight　to　Bath。　In　the　very　heart　of　Bath　you　will　find　yourselves　in　just　the　same　world　you　visited　at　Pompeii。　Bath　is　Pompeii　overlaid　by　Jane　Austen's　England。〃　He　paused　for　a　moment。　〃We　can　wire　to　your　agents　from　here　before　we　start　and　we　can　pick　up　their　reply　at　Gloucester　or　Nailsworth　or　even　Bath　itself。　So　that　if　your　father　is　nearer　than　we　supposeBut　I　think　to…morrow　afternoon　will　be　soon　enough　for　Falmouth；　anyhow。〃　He　stopped　interrogatively。　Miss　Grammont's　face　was　white。　〃That　will　do　very　well；〃　she　said。　Section　4；　They　started；　but　presently　they　came　to　high　banks　that　showed　such　masses　of　bluebells；　ragged　Robin；　great　stitchwort　and　the　like　that　Belinda　was　not　to　be　restrained。　She　clamoured　to　stop　the　car　and　go　up　the　bank　and　pick　her　hands　full；　and　so　they　drew　up　by　the　roadside　and　Sir　Richmond　and　Miss　Grammont　sat　down　near　the　car　while　Belinda　carried　her　enthusiastic　onslaught　on　the　flowers　up　the　steep　bank　and　presently　out　of　earshot。　The　two　lovers　said　unheeded　things　about　the　flowers　to　each　other　and　then　fell　silent。　Then　Miss　Grammont　turned　her　head　and　seemed　deliberately　to　measure　her　companion's　distance。　Evidently　she　judged　her　out　of　earshot。　〃Well；　said　Miss　Grammont　in　her　soft　even　voice。　〃We　love　one　another。　Is　that　so　still？〃　〃I　could　not　love　you　more。〃　〃It　wasn't　a　dream？〃　〃No。〃　〃And　to…morrow　we　part？〃　He　looked　her　in　the　eyes。　〃I　have　been　thinking　of　that　all　night；〃　he　said　at　last。　〃I　too。〃　〃And　you　think？〃　〃That　we　must　part。　Just　as　we　arranged　it　when　was　it？　Three　days　or　three　ages　ago？　There　is　nothing　else　in　the　world　to　do　except　for　us　to　go　our　ways。　。　。　。　I　love　you。　That　means　for　a　womanIt　means　that　I　want　to　be　with　you。　But　that　is　impossible。　。　。　。　Don't　doubt　whether　I　love　you　because　I　sayimpossible。　。　。　。　〃　Sir　Richmond；　faced　with　his　own　nocturnal　decision；　was　now　moved　to　oppose　it　flatly。　〃Nothing　that　one　can　do　is　impossible。〃　She　glanced　again　at　Belinda　and　bent　down　towards　him。〃　Suppose；〃　she　said；　〃you　got　back　into　that　car　with　me；　suppose　that　instead　of　going　on　as　we　have　planned；　you　took　me　away。　How　much　of　us　would　go？〃　〃You　would　go；〃　said　Sir　Richmond；　〃and　my　heart。〃　〃And　this　work　of　yours？　And　your　honour？　For　the　honour　of　a　man　in　this　New　Age　of　yours　will　be　first　of　all　in　the　work　he　does　for　the　world。　And　you　will　leave　your　work　to　be　just　a　lover。　And　the　work　that　I　might　do　because　of　my　father's　wealth；　all　that　would　vanish　too。　We　should　leave　all　of　that；　all　of　our　usefulness；　all　that　much　of　ourselves。　But　what　has　made　me　love　you？　Just　your　breadth　of　vision；　just　the　sense　that　you　mattered。　What　has　made　you　love　me？　Just　that　I　have　understood　the　dream　of　your　work。　All　that　we　should　have　to　leave　behind。　We　should　specialize；　in　our　own　scandal。　We　should　run　away　just　for　one　thing。　To　think；　by　sharing　the　oldest；　simplest；　dearest　indulgences　in　the　world；　that　we　had　got　each　other。　When　really　we　had　lost　each　other；　lost　all　that　mattered。　。　。　。〃　Her　face　was　flushed　with　the　earnestness　of　her　conviction。　Her　eyes　were　bright　with　tears。　〃Don't　think　I　don't　love　you。　It's　so　hard　to　say　all　this。　Somehow　it　seems　like　going　back　on　somethingsomething　supreme。　Our　instincts　have　got　us。　。　。　。　Don't　think　I'd　hold　myself　from　you；　dear。　I'd　give　myself　to　you　with　both　hands。　I　love　you　When　a　woman　lovesI　at　any　rateshe　loves　altogether。　But　this　thingI　am　convincedcannot　be。　I　must　go　my　own　way；　the　way　I　have　to　go。　My　father　is　the　man；　obstinate；　more　than　half　a　savage。　For　meI　know　ithe　has　the　jealousy　of　ten　husbands。　If　you　take　meIf　our　secret　becomes　manifestIf　you　are　to　take　me　and　keep　me；　then　his　life　and　your　life　will　become　wholly　this　Feud；　nothing　but　this　Feud。　You　have　to　fight　him　anyhowthat　is　why　I　of　all　people　must　keep　out　of　the　quarrel。　For　him；　it　would　be　an　immense　excitement；　full　of　the　possibility　of　fierce　satisfactions；　for　you；　whether　you　won　me　or　lost　me；　it　would　be　utter　waste　and　ruin。〃　She　paused　and　then　went　on：〃And　for　me　too；　waste　and　ruin。　I　shall　be　a　woman　fought　over。　I　shall　be　fought　over　as　dogs　fight　over　a　bone。　I　shall　sink　back　to　the　level　of　Helen　of　Troy。　I　shall　cease　to　be　a　free　citizen；　a　responsible　free　person。　Whether　you　win　me　or　lose　me　it　will　be　waste　and　ruin　for　us　both。　Your　Fuel　Commission　will　go　to　pieces；　all　the　wide；　enduring　work　you　have　set　me　dreaming　about　will　go　the　same　way。　We　shall　just　be　another　romantic　story。　。　。　。　No！〃　Sir　Richmond　sat　still；　a　little　like　a　sullen　child；　she　thought。　〃I　hate　all　this；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃I　didn't　think　of　your　father　before；　and　now　I　think　of　him　it　sets　me　bristling　for　a　fight。　It　makes　all　this　harder　to　give　up。　And　yet；　do　you　know；　in　the　night　I　was　thinking；　I　was　coming　to　conclusions；　very　like　yours。　For　quite　other　reasons。　I　thought　we　ought　not　toWe　have　to　keep　friends　anyhow　and　hear　of　each　other？〃　〃That　goes　without　saying。〃　〃I　thought　we　ought　not　to　go　on　to　be　lovers　in　any　way　that　Would　affect　you；　touch　you　too　closely。　。　。　。　I　was　sorryI　had　kissed　you。〃　〃Not　I。　No。　Don't　be　sorry　for　that。　I　am　glad　we　have　fallen　in　love；　more　glad　than　I　have　been　of　anything　else　in　my　life；　and　glad　we　have　spoken　plainly。　。　。　。　Though　we　have　to　part。　And〃　Her　whisper　came　close　to　him。　〃For　a　whole　day　yet；　all　round　the　clock　twice；　you　and　I　have　one　another。〃　Miss　Seyffert　began　speaking　as　soon　as　she　was　well　within　earshot。　〃I　don't　know　the　name　of　a　single　one　of　these　flowers〃　she　cried；　〃except　the　bluebells。　Look　at　this　great　handful　I've　gotten！　S