the secret places of the heart-第31节

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　It　was　as　if　Martin　spoke；　it　was　her　voice；　it　was　the　very　quality　of　her　thought。　〃You　belong　to　this　work　of　yours；　which　must　needs　be　interrupted　or　abandoned　if　you　take　her。　Whatever　is　not　mortgaged　to　your　work　is　mortgaged　to　me。　For　the　strange　thing　in　all　this　is　that　you　and　I　love　one　anotherand　have　no　power　to　do　otherwise。　In　spite　of　all　this。　〃You　have　nothing　to　give　her　but　stolen　goods；〃　said　the　shadow　of　Martin。　〃You　have　nothing　to　give　anyone　personally　any　more。　。　。　。　〃Think　of　the　love　that　she　desires　and　think　of　this　love　that　you　can　give。　。　。　。　〃Is　there　any　new　thing　in　you　that　you　can　give　her　that　you　haven't　given　me？　You　and　I　know　each　other　very　well；　perhaps　I　know　YOU　too　well。　Haven't　you　loved　me　as　much　as　you　can　love　anyone？　Think　of　all　that　there　has　been　between　us　that　you　are　ready　now；　eager　now　to　set　aside　and　forget　as　though　it　had　never　been。　For　four　days　you　have　kept　me　out　of　your　mind　in　order　to　worship　her。　Yet　you　have　known　I　was　therefor　all　you　would　not　know。　No　one　else　will　ever　be　so　intimate　with　you　as　I　am。　We　have　quarrelled　together；　wept　together；　jested　happily　and　jested　bitterly。　You　have　spared　me　not　at　all。　Pitiless　and　cruel　you　have　been　to　me。　You　have　reckoned　up　all　my　faults　against　me　as　though　they　were　sins。　You　have　treated　me　at　times　unlovinglynever　was　lover　treated　so　unlovingly　as　you　have　sometimes　treated　me。　And　yet　I　have　your　loveas　no　other　woman　can　ever　have　it。　Even　now　when　you　are　wildly　in　love　with　this　girl's　freshness　and　boldness　and　cleverness　I　come　into　your　mind　by　right　and　necessity。〃　〃She　is　different；〃　argued　Sir　Richmond。　〃But　you　are　the　same；〃　said　the　shadow　of　Martin　with　Martin's　unsparing　return。　〃Your　love　has　never　been　a　steadfast　thing。　It　comes　and　goes　like　the　wind。　You　are　an　extravagantly　imperfect　lover。　But　I　have　learnt　to　accept　you；　as　people　accept　the　English　weather。　。　。　。　Never　in　all　your　life　have　you　loved；　wholly；　fully；　steadfastlyas　people　deserve　to　be　loved；not　your　mother　nor　your　father；　not　your　wife　nor　your　children；　nor　me；　nor　our　child；　nor　any　living　thing。　Pleasant　to　all　of　us　at　timesat　times　bitterly　disappointing。　You　do　not　even　love　this　work　of　yours　steadfastly；　this　work　to　which　you　sacrifice　us　all　in　turn。　You　do　not　love　enough。　That　is　why　you　have　these　moods　and　changes；　that　is　why　you　have　these　lassitudes。　So　it　is　you　are　made。　。　。　。　〃And　that　is　why　you　must　not　take　this　brave　young　life；　so　much　simpler　and　braver　than　your　own；　and　exalt　itas　you　can　doand　then　fail　it；　as　you　will　do。　。　。　。　〃　Sir　Richmond's　mind　and　body　lay　very　still　for　a　time。　〃Should　I　fail　her？　。　。　。〃　For　a　time　Martin　Leeds　passed　from　the　foreground　of　his　mind。　He　was　astonished　to　think　how　planless；　instinctive　and　unforeseeing　his　treatment　of　Miss　Grammont　had　been。　It　had　been　just　a　blind　drive　to　get　hold　of　her　and　possess　her。　。　。　。　Suddenly　his　passion　for　her　became　active　in　its　defence　again。　〃But　is　there　such　a　thing　as　a　perfect　love？　Is　YOURS　a　perfect　love；　my　dear　Martin；　with　its　insatiable　jealousy；　its　ruthless　criticism？　Has　the　world　ever　seen　a　perfect　lover　yet？　Isn't　it　our　imperfection　that　brings　us　together　in　a　common　need？　Is　Miss　Grammont；　after　all；　likely　to　get　a　more　perfect　love　in　all　her　life　than　this　poor　love　of　mine？　And　isn't　it　good　for　her　that　she　should　love？〃　〃Perfect　love　cherishes。　Perfect　love　foregoes。〃　Sir　Richmond　found　his　mind　wandering　far　away　from　the　immediate　question。　〃Perfect　love；〃　the　phrase　was　his　point　of　departure。　Was　it　true　that　he　could　not　love　passionately　and　completely？　Was　that　fundamentally　what　was　the　matter　with　him？　Was　that　perhaps　what　was　the　matter　with　the　whole　world　of　mankind？　It　had　not　yet　come　to　that　power　of　loving　which　makes　action　full　and　simple　and　direct　and　unhesitating。　Man　upon　his　planet　has　not　grown　up　to　love；　is　still　an　eager；　egotistical　and　fluctuating　adolescent。　He　lacks　the　courage　to　love　and　the　wisdom　to　love。　Love　is　here。　But　it　comes　and　goes；　it　is　mixed　with　greeds　and　jealousies　and　cowardice　and　cowardly　reservations。　One　hears　it　only　in　snatches　and　single　notes。　It　is　like　something　tuning　up　before　the　Music　begins。　。　。　。　The　metaphor　altogether　ran　away　with　Sir　Richmond's　half　dreaming　mind。　Some　day　perhaps　all　life　would　go　to　music。　Love　was　music　and　power。　If　he　had　loved。　enough　he　need　never　have　drifted　away　from　his　wife。　Love　would　have　created　love；　would　have　tolerated　and　taught　and　inspired。　Where　there　is　perfect　love　there　is　neither　greed　nor　impatience。　He　would　have　done　his　work　calmly。　He　would　have　won　his　way　with　his　Committee　instead　of　fighting　and　quarrelling　with　it　perpetually。　。　。　。　〃Flimsy　creatures；〃　he　whispered。　〃Uncertain　health。　Uncertain　strength。　A　will　that　comes　and　goes。　Moods　of　baseness。　Moods　of　utter　beastliness。　。　。　。　Love　like　April　sunshine。　April？　。　。。〃　He　dozed　and　dreamt　for　a　time　of　spring　passing　into　a　high　summer　sunshine；　into　a　continuing　music；　of　love。　He　thought　of　a　world　like　some　great　playhouse　in　which　players　and　orchestra　and　audience　all　co…operate　in　a　noble　production　without　dissent　or　conflict。　He　thought　he　was　the　savage　of　thirty　thousand　years　ago　dreaming　of　the　great　world　that　is　still　perhaps　thirty　thousand　years　ahead。　His　effort　to　see　more　of　that　coming　world　than　indistinct　and　cloudy　pinnacles　and　to　hear　more　than　a　vague　music；　dissolved　his　dream　and　left　him　awake　again　and　wrestling　with　the　problem　of　Miss　Grammont。　Section　2　The　shadow　of　Martin　stood　over　him；　inexorable。　He　had　to　release　Miss　Grammont　from　the　adventure　into　which　he　had　drawn　her。　This　decision　stood　out　stern…and　inevitable　in　his　mind　with　no　conceivable　alternative。　As　he　looked　at　the　task　before　him　he　began　to　realize　its　difficulty。　He　was　profoundly　in　love　with　her；　he　was　still　only　learning　how　deeply；　and　she　was　not　going　to　play　a　merely　passive　part　in　this　affair。　She　was　perhaps　as　deeply　in　love　with　him。　。　。　。　He　could　not　bring　himself　to　the　idea　of　confessions　and　disavowals。　He　could　not　bear　to　think　of　her　disillusionment。　He　felt　that　he　owed　it　to　her　not　to　disillusion　her；　to　spoil　things　for　her　in　that　fashion。　〃To　turn　into　something　mean　and　ugly　after　she　has　believed　in　me。　。　。　。　It　would　be　like　playing　a　practical　joke　upon　her。　It　would　be　like　taking　her　into　my　arms　and　suddenly　making　a　grimace　at　her。　。　。　。　It　would　scar　her　with　a　second　humiliation。　。　。　。〃　Should　he　take　her　on　to　Bath　or　Exeter　to…morrow　and　contrive　by　some　sudden　arrival　of　telegrams　that　he　had　to　go　from　her　suddenly？　But　a　mere　sudden　parting　would　not　end　things　between　them　now　unless　he　went　off　abruptly　without　explanations　or　any　arrangements　for　further　communications。　At　the　outset　of　this　escapade　there　had　been　a　tacit　but　evident　assumption　that　it　was　to　end　when　she　joined　her　father　at　Falmouth。　It　was　with　an　effect　of　discovery　that　Sir　Richmond　realized　that　now　it　could　not　end　in　that　fashion；　that　with　the　whisper　of　love　and　the　touching　of　lips；　something　had　been　started　that　would　go　on；　that　would　develop。　To　break　off　now　and　go　away　without　a　word　would　leave　a　raw　and　torn　end；　would　leave　her　perplexed　and　perhaps　even　more　humiliated　with　an　aching　mystery　to　distress　her。　〃Why　did　he　go？　Was　it　something　I　said？　something　he　found　out　or　imagined？　〃　Parting　had　disappeared　as　a　possible　solution　of　this　problem。　She　and　he　had　got　into　each　other's　lives　to　stay：　the　real　problem　was　the　terms　upon　which　they　were　to　stay　in　each　other's　lives。　Close　association　had　brought　them　to　the　point　of　being；　in　the　completest　sense；　lovers；　that　could　not　be；　and　the　real　problem　was　the　transmutation　of　their　relationship　to　some　form　compatible　with　his　honour　and　her　happiness。　A　word；　an　idea；　from　some　recent　reading　floated　into　Sir　Richmond's　head。　〃Sublimate；〃　he　whispered。　〃We　have　to　sublimate　this　affair。　We　have　to　put　this　relationship　upon　a　Higher　Plane。　His　mind　stopped　short　at　that。　Presently　his　voice　sounded　out　of　the　depths　of　his　heart。　〃God！　How　I　loathe　the　Higher　Plane！　。　。　。　。　〃God　has　put　me　into　this　Higher　Plane　business　like　some　poor　little　kid　who　has　to　wear　irons　on　its　legs。　〃I　WANT　her。　。　。　。　Do　you　hear；　Martin？　I　want　her。　〃　As　if　by　a　lightning　flash　he　saw　his　car　with　himself　and　Miss　GrammontMiss　Seyffert　had　probably　fallen　out　traversing　Europe　and　Asia　in　headlong　flight。　To　a　sunlit　beach　in　the　South　Seas。　。　。　。　His　thoughts　presently　resumed　as　though　these　unmannerly　and　fantastic　interruptions　had　not　occurred。　〃We　have　to　carry　the　whole　affair　on　to　a　Higher　Planeand　keep　it　there。　We　two　love　one　anotherthat　has　to　be　admitted　now。　（I　ought　never　to　have　touched　her。　I　ought　never　to　have　thought　of　touching　her。）　But　we　two　are　too　high；　our　aims　and　work　and　obligations　are　too　high　for　any　ordinary　love　making。　That　sort　of　thing　would　embarrass　us；　would　spoil　everything。　〃Spoil　everything；〃　he　repeated；　rather　like　a　small　boy　who　learns　an　unpalatable　lesson。　For　a　time　Sir　Richmond；　exhausted　by　moral　effort；　lay　staring　at　the　darkness。　〃It　has　to　be　done。　I　believe　I　can　carr