the secret places of the heart-第29节

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a　rather　reserved　girl　at　school；　keen　on　my　dignity。　I　liked　respect。　I　didn't　give　myself　away。　I　suppose　one　would　call　that　personal　pride。　Anyhow　it　was　that　streak　made　me　value　the　position　of　being　a　rich　married　woman　in　New　York。　That　was　why　I　became　engaged　to　Lake。　He　seemed　to　be　as　good　a　man　as　there　was　about。　He　said　he　adored　me　and　wanted　me　to　crown　his　life。　He　wasn't　ill…looking　or　ill…mannered。　The　second　main　streak　in　my　nature　wouldn't　however　fit　in　with　that。〃　She　stopped　short。　〃The　second　streak；　〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃Oh！Love　of　beauty；　love　of　romance。　I　want　to　give　things　their　proper　names；　I　don't　want　to　pretend　to　you。　。　。　。　It　was　more　or　less　than　that。　。　。　。　It　wasimaginative　sensuousness。　Why　should　I　pretend　it　wasn't　in　me？　I　believe　that　streak　is　in　all　women。〃　〃I　believe　so　too。　In　all　properly　constituted　women。〃　〃I　tried　to　devote　that　streak　to　Lake；〃　she　said。　〃I　did　my　best　for　him。　But　Lake　was　much　too　much　of　a　gentleman　or　an　idealist　about　women；　or　what　you　will；　to　know　his　business　as　a　lover。　And　that　side　of　me　fell　in　love；　the　rest　of　me　protesting；　with　a　man　named　Caston。　It　was　a　notorious　affair。　Everybody　in　New　York　couples　my　name　with　Caston。　Except　when　my　father　is　about。　His　jealousy　has　blasted　an　area　of　silencein　that　matterall　round　him。　He　will　not　know　of　that　story。　And　they　dare　not　tell　him。　I　should　pity　anyone　who　tried　to　tell　it　him。〃　〃What　sort　of　man　was　this　Caston？〃　Miss　Grammont　seemed　to　consider。　She　did　not　look　at　Sir　Richmond；　she　kept　her　profile　to　him。　〃He　was；〃　she　said　deliberately；　〃a　very　rotten　sort　of　man。〃　She　spoke　like　one　resolved　to　be　exact　and　judicial。　〃I　believe　I　always　knew　he　wasn't　right。　But　he　was　very　handsome。　And　ten　years　younger　than　Lake。　And　nobody　else　seemed　to　be　all　right；　so　I　swallowed　that。　He　was　an　artist；　a　painter。　Perhaps　you　know　his　work。〃　Sir　Richmond　shook　his　head。　〃He　could　make　American　business　men　look　like　characters　out　of　the　Three　Musketeers；　they　said；　and　he　was　beginning　to　be　popular。　He　made　love　to　me。　In　exactly　the　way　Lake　didn't。　If　I　shut　my　eyes　to　one　or　two　things；　it　was　delightful。　I　liked　it。　But　my　father　would　have　stood　a　painter　as　my　husband　almost　as　cheerfully　as　he　would　a　man　of　colour。　I　made　a　fool　of　myself；　as　people　say；　about　Caston。　Wellwhen　the　war　came；　he　talked　in　a　way　that　irritated　me。　He　talked　like　an　East　Side　Annunzio；　about　art　and　war。　It　made　me　furious　to　know　it　was　all　talk　and　that　he　didn't　mean　business。　。　。　。　I　made　him　go。〃　She　paused　for　a　moment。　〃He　hated　to　go。〃　〃Then　I　relented。　Or　I　missed　him　and　I　wanted　to　be　made　love　to。　Or　I　really　wanted　to　go　on　my　own　account。　I　forget。　I　forget　my　motives　altogether　now。　That　early　war　time　was　a　queer　time　for　everyone。　A　kind　of　wildness　got　into　the　blood。　。　。　。　I　threw　over　Lake。　All　the　time　things　had　been　going　on　in　New　York　I　had　still　been　engaged　to　Lake。　I　went　to　France。　I　did　good　work。　I　did　do　good　work。　And　also　things　were　possible　that　would　have　seemed　fantastic　in　America。　You　know　something　of　the　war…time　atmosphere。　There　was　death　everywhere　and　people　snatched　at　gratifications。　Caston　made　'To…morrow　we　die'　his　text。　We　contrived　three　days　in　Paris　togethernot　very　cleverly。　All　sorts　of　people　know　about　it。　。　。　。　We　went　very　far。〃　She　stopped　short。　〃Well？〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃He　did　die。　。　。　。〃　Another　long　pause。　〃They　told　me　Caston　had　been　killed。　But　someone　hintedor　I　guessedthat　there　was　more　in　it　than　an　ordinary　casualty。　〃Nobody；　I　think；　realizes　that　I　know。　This　is　the　first　time　I　have　ever　confessed　that　I　do　know。　He　wasshot。　He　was　shot　for　cowardice。〃　〃That　might　happen　to　any　man；〃　said　Sir　Richmond　presently。　〃No　man　is　a　hero　all　round　the　twenty…four　hours。　Perhaps　he　was　caught　by　circumstances；　unprepared。　He　may　have　been　taken　by　surprise。〃　〃It　was　the　most　calculated；　cold…blooded　cowardice　imaginable。　He　let　three　other　men　go　on　and　get　killed。　。　。〃

〃No。　It　is　no　good　your　inventing　excuses　for　a　man　you　know　nothing　about。　It　was　vile；　contemptible　cowardice　and　meanness。　It　fitted　in　with　a　score　of　ugly　little　things　I　remembered。　It　explained　them　all。　I　know　the　evidence　and　the　judgment　against　him　were　strictly　just　and　true；　because　they　were　exactly　in　character。　。　。　。　And　that；　you　see；　was　my　man。　That　was　the　lover　I　had　chosen。　That　was　the　man　to　whom　I　had　given　myself　with　both　hands。〃　Her　soft　unhurrying　voice　halted　for　a　time；　and　then　resumed　in　the　same　even　tones　of　careful　statement。　〃I　wasn't　disgusted；　not　even　with　myself。　About　him　I　was　chiefly　sorry；　intensely　sorry；　because　I　had　made　him　come　out　of　a　life　that　suited　and　protected　him；　to　the　war。　About　myself；　I　was　stunned　and　perplexed。　I　had　the　clearest　realization　that　what　you　and　I　have　been　calling　the　bright　little　personal　life　had　broken　off　short　and　was　spoilt　and　over　and　done　with。　I　felt　as　though　it　was　my　body　they　had　shot。　And　there　I　was；　with　fifty　years　of　life　left　in　me　and　nothing　particular　to　do　with　them。〃　〃That　was　just　the　prelude　to　life；　said　Sir　Richmond。　〃It　didn't　seem　so　at　the　time。　I　felt　I　had　to　got　hold　of　something　or　go　to　pieces。　I　couldn't　turn　to　religion。　I　had　no　religion。　And　Duty？　What　is　Duty？　I　set　myself　to　that。　I　had　a　kind　of　revelation　one　night。　'Either　I　find　out　what　all　this　world　is　about；　I　said；　or　I　perish。'　I　have　lost　myself　and　I　must　forget　myself　by　getting　hold　of　something　bigger　than　myself。　And　becoming　that。　That's　why　I　have　been　making　a　sort　of　historical　pilgrimage。　。　。　。　That's　my　story；　Sir　Richmond。　That's　my　education。　。　。　。　Somehow　though　your　troubles　are　different；　it　seems　to　me　that　my　little　muddle　makes　me　understand　how　it　is　with　you。　What　you've　got；　this　idea　of　a　scientific　ordering　of　the　world；　is　what　I；　in　my　younger；　less　experienced　way；　have　been　feeling　my　way　towards。　I　want　to　join　on。　I　want　to　got　hold　of　this　idea　of　a　great　fuel　control　in　the　world　and　of　a　still　greater　economic　and　educational　control　of　which　it　is　a　part。　I　want　to　make　that　idea　a　part　of　myself。　Rather　I　want　to　make　myself　a　part　of　it。　When　you　talk　of　it　I　believe　in　it　altogether。〃　〃And　I　believe　in　it；　when　I　talk　of　it　to　you。〃　Section　9　Sir　Richmond　was　stirred　very　deeply　by　Miss　Grammont's　confidences。　His　dispute　with　Dr。　Martineau　was　present　in　his　mind；　so　that　he　did　not　want　to　make　love　to　her。　But　he　was　extremely　anxious　to　express　his　vivid　sense　of　the　value　of　her　friendship。　And　while　he　hesitated　over　this　difficult　and　unfamiliar　task　she　began　to　talk　again　of　herself；　and　in　such　a　way　as　to　give　a　new　turn　to　Sir　Richmond's　thoughts。　〃Perhaps　I　ought　to　tell　you　a　little　more　about　myself；〃　she　said；　〃now　that　I　have　told　you　so　much。　I　did　a　thing　that　still　puzzles　me。　I　was　filled　with　a　sense　of　hopeless　disaster　in　France　and　I　suppose　I　had　some　sort　of　desperate　idea　of　saving　something　out　of　the　situation。　。　。　。　I　renewed　my　correspondence　with　Gunter　Lake。　He　made　the　suggestion　I　knew　he　would　make；　and　I　renewed　our　engagement。〃　〃To　go　back　to　wealth　and　dignity　in　New　York？〃　〃Yes。〃　〃But　you　don't　love　him？〃　〃That's　always　been　plain　to　me。　But　what　I　didn't　realize；　until　I　had　given　my　promise　over　again；　was　that　I　dislike　him　acutely。〃　〃You　hadn't　realized　that　before？〃　〃I　hadn't　thought　about　him　sufficiently。　But　now　I　had　to　think　about　him　a　lot。　The　other　affair　had　given　me　an　idea　perhaps　of　what　it　means　to　be　married　to　a　man。　And　here　I　am　drifting　back　to　him。　The　horrible　thing　about　him　is　the　steady　ENVELOPING　way　in　which　he　has　always　come　at　me。　Without　fellowship。　Without　any　community　of　ideas。　Ready　to　make　the　most　extraordinary　bargains。　So　long　as　he　can　in　any　way　fix　me　and　get　me。　What　does　it　mean？　What　is　there　behind　those　watching；　soliciting　eyes　of　his？　I　don't　in　the　least　love　him；　and　this　desire　and　service　and　all　the　rest　of　it　he　offers　meit's　not　love。　It's　not　even　such　love　as　Caston　gave　me。　It's　a　game　he　plays　with　his　imagination。〃　She　had　released　a　flood　of　new　ideas　in　Sir　Richmond's　mind。　〃This　is　illuminating；〃　he　said。　〃You　dislike　Lake　acutely。　You　always　have　disliked　him。〃　〃I　suppose　I　have。　But　it's　only　now　I　admit　it　to　myself。〃　〃Yes。　And　you　might；　for　example；　have　married　him　in　New　York　before　the　war。〃　〃It　came　very　near　to　that。〃　〃And　then　probably　you　wouldn't　have　discovered　you　disliked　him。　You　wouldn't　have　admitted　it　to　yourself。〃　〃I　suppose　I　shouldn't。　I　suppose　I　should　have　tried　to　believe　I　loved　him。〃　〃Women　do　this　sort　of　thing。　Odd！　I　never　realized　it　before。　And　there　are　endless　wives　suppressing　an　acute　dislike。　My　wife　does。　I　see　now　quite　clearly　that　she　detests　me。　Reasonably　enough。　From　her　angle　I'm　entirely　detestable。　But　she　won't　admit　it；　won't　know　of　it。　She　never　will。　To　the　end　of　my　life；　always；　she　will　keep　that　detestation　unconfessed。　She　puts　a　face　on　the　matter。　We　both　do。　And　this　affair　of　yours。　。　。　。　Have　you　thought　how　unjust　it　is　to　Lake？〃　〃Not　nearly　so　much　as　I　might　have　done。〃　〃It　is　unfair　to　him。　Atrociously　unfair。　He's　not　my　sort　of　man；　perhaps；　but　it　will　hurt　him　cruelly　accordin