the grey room(灰房间)-第33节
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household as she had done。 She told him her argument； and he accepted
it as a revelation。
〃Thank God you could keep your senses and see that； ma'am！ Tell
the master the same； and make him drink a drop of spirits and get into his
clothes。 He's shook cruel！〃
He had already brought the brandy； which was his panacea for all ills；
and now left Mary and her father together。 She found him collapsed； and
forgot the cause for a few moments in her present concern for him。
Indeed； she always thought； and often said afterwards； that but for the
minor needs for action that intervened in this series of terrible moments
she must herself have gone out of her mind。 But something always
happened； as in this case； to demand her full attention； and so arrest and
deflect the strain almost at the moment of its impact。
She found that the ideas she had just employed to pacify the servants'
hall were also in her father's thoughts。 From them； however； he won no
consolation； though he stood convinced。 But the fact that Septimus May
should have failed； and paid for his failure with his life； now assumed its
true significance for Sir Walter。 He was self…absorbed； prostrate； and
desperate。 In such a condition one is not master of oneself； and may say
and do anything。 The old man's armor was off； and in the course of his
next few speeches； by a selfish forgetfulness that he would have been the
first to condemn in another； he revealed a thing that was destined to cause
the young widow bitter and needless pain。 First； however； he pointed out
what she already grasped and made clear to others。
〃This upsets all May's theories and gives the lie to me as well。 Why
did I believe him！ Why did I let him convince me against my better
judgment？〃
〃Do not fret about that now。〃
〃You might say； 'I told you so！' but you will not do that。 Nevertheless；
you were right to seek to stop this unfortunate man last night； and he was
terribly mistaken。 No being from another world had anything to do with
his death。 If we granted that； there is an end of religious faith。〃
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〃We can be sure of it； father。 Evil spirits would have had no power
over Mr。 May； if there is a just God in heaven。〃
〃Then it is something else。 If not a spirit； then a living man … a
human devil … and the police will discover him。 In this house； one we
have known and trusted； for all are known and trusted。 They will blame
me； with good reason； for sacrificing another life。 The irony of fate that I；
of all men； one so much alive to the meaning of mercy … that I； out of
superstitious folly … But how will it look in the eyes of justice？ Black …
black！ I am well prepared to suffer what I have deserved； Mary。
Nothing that man can do to me equals the shame and dismay I feel when I
consider what I have done to myself！〃
〃You must not talk so； it is unworthy of you。 You know it； father；
while you speak。 Nobody has a right to question you or your opinions。
Many would have been convinced by Mr。 May last night。 They may still
think that he was right； and that； far from receiving evil treatment； he was
blessed by being taken away into the next world without pain or shock。
We must feel for him as we try to feel for dear Tom。 And I do not mean
that I am sorry for him； I am only sorry for us； because of the difficulty of
explaining。 Yet to tell the truth will not be difficult。 They must do the
best they can。 It doesn't matter as much as you think。 Indeed； how should
they blame you at all until they themselves find out the truth？〃
〃They will … they must！ They will discover the reason。 They will
hunt down the murderer； and they will inevitably attach utmost blame to
me for listening to a man possessed。 May was possessed； I tell you！〃
〃He was exceedingly convincing。 When I listened to him he shook
me； too。〃
〃I should have supported you； instead of going over to him。〃
〃He knows the truth now。 He is with Tom now。 We must remember
that。 We know they are happy； and that makes the opinion of living
people matter very little。〃
Then； out of his weakness； he smote her； and thrust upon her some
hours of agony； very horrible in their nature； which there was no good
reason that Mary should have suffered。
〃Who is alive and who is dead？〃 he asked。 〃We don't even know that。
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The police demanded to make their own inquiries； and Peter Hardcastle
may at this moment be a living and breathing man； if they are right。〃
She stared at him and feared for his reason。
〃What do you mean？〃
〃I mean that they were not prepared to grant that he was dead。 Henry
and Mannering took him up on that assumption。 He may have been
restored to animation and his vital forces recovered。 Why not？ There
was nothing visible to indicate dissolution。 We have heard of trances；
catalepsies； which simulate death so closely that even physicians are
deceived。 Have not men been buried alive？ Tom's father at this moment
might be restored to life； if we only knew how to act。〃
〃Then … 〃 she said； with horrified eyes； and stopped。
He saw what he had done。
〃God forgive me！ No； no； not that； Mary！ It's all madness and
moonshine！ This is delirium； it will kill me！ Don't think I believe them；
any more than Mannering did； or Henry did。 Henry has seen much death；
he could not have been deceived。 Tom was dead； and your heart told you
he was dead。 One cannot truly make any mistake in the presence of
death； I know that。〃
Mary was marvellously restrained； despite the fact that she had
received this appalling blow and vividly suffered all that it implied。
〃I will try to put it out of my mind； father；〃 she said quietly。 〃But if Mr。
Hardcastle is alive； I shall go mad！〃
〃He is not。 Mannering was positive。〃
〃Nevertheless； he may be。 And if he is； then Mr。 May probably is。〃
〃Grotesque； horrible； worse than death even！ Keep your mind away
from it； my darling； for the love of God！〃
〃Who knows what we can suffer till we are called to find out？ No； I
shall not go mad。 But I must know to…day。 I cannot eat or sleep until I
know。 I shall not live long if they don't tell me quickly。〃
Her father trembled and grew very white。
〃This is the worst of all；〃 he said。 〃These things will leave a burning
brand。 I am ruined by them； and my life thrown down。 I； that thought I
was strong； prove so weak that I can forget my own daughter； and out of
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cowardly misery speak of a thing she should never have known。 You
have your revenge； Mary； for I shall go a broken man from this hour。
Nothing can ever be the same again。 My self…respect is gone。 I could
have endured everything else … the things that I dreaded。 All I could have
suffered and survived； but to have forgotten and stabbed you … 〃
〃Don't； don't … come … we have got each other； father … we have still got
each other。 The dead understand everything。 Who else matters？ Go
to your room； and let your dear mind rest。 I am not suffering。 We
cannot alter the past； and who would wish it； if they believe in eternal life？
I would not call Tom back if I had the power to do so。 Be sure of that。〃
She spoke comfortable words to him； and supported him to his room。
She knew the police would soon arrive； and though they could not report
concerning the life； or death； of Peter Hardcastle； she doubted not that
definite inform
