the use and need of the life of carrie a. nation-第18节

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hearts　of　the　children　of　men。　I　have　been　greatly　edified　by　conversing
with　Catholic　priests。　When　I　lived　in　Texas　my　spiritual　condition　was
such　that　I　wanted　some　explanation。　I　went　to　see　Father　Hennesy；　of
Houston；　I　explained　to　him　my　strange　leadings；　he　said　a　wise　and
good　thing；　told　me　to　〃read　the　scriptures　and　pray　and　God　would　lead
me　right。〃

I　was　at　church　in　Medicine　Lodge　one　night；　during　a　protracted
meeting　held　by　Bro。　Parker　and　Hodges。　Two　sisters　came　to　me　and
complained　that　I　made　so　much　noise；　said　they　could　not　enjoy　the　service。
I　said：　〃To　please　you　I　will　try　to　keep　quiet；　but　remember
it　is　my　God　and　YOUR　God　I　am　praising。　I　would　rejoice　to　hear
you　praise　Him。〃　Next　night　something　was　said　that　was　good　to
me。　I　said：　〃Praise　God！〃　caught　myself　when　I　saw　one　of　the　sisters
near；　and　from　that　time　I　felt　little　impulse　and　at　last　none。　I　went
to　every　meeting　but　lost　my　liberty　and　became　so　bound；　I　could　not
testify　or　pray。　I　was　very　miserable；　would　weep　from　a　desolation　of
spirit。　This　continued　for　three　weeks。　The　meeting　was　still　going　on。
My　spiritual　darkness　became　so　great；　I　went　up　one　afternoon　to　the　altar。
I　rose　and　told　of　how　I　had　〃lost　my　liberty　and　peace　by　withholding
praise　to　God　by　trying　to　please　two　sisters。〃　While　I　was　confessing；
the　spirit　fell　in　great　power　and　I　acted　like　I　was　beside　myself；　was
almost　wild　with　delight。　I　seemed　to　fly　home　and　back　in　the　evening。
One　in　this　state　appears　crazy　to　the　world；　even　disgusting。　No　one
sees　a　reason　for　this　unnatural　overflow　of　feeling。　At　the　beginning
of　the　service；　opportunity　was　given　for　testimony。　I　rose　eager　to　tell
of　my　returned　joy；　told　of　praying　for；　and　getting　what　I　prayed　for；
then　losing　it；　by　compromise；　closed　by　saying：　〃That　never　again
would　I　refuse　to　do　the　will　of　God　even　if　it　offended　all　and　made　me
appear　a　fool。〃　My　testimony　seemed　to　be　fanatical；　for　my　manner
indicated　one　greatly　moved。　When　I　took　my　seat　a　〃still　small　voice〃
said。　〃You　must　sing　a　song。〃　Bro。　Osburn　was　sitting　near。　He　had
the　song　book　〃Finest　of　the　Wheat；〃　in　his　hands。　I　took　it　then　handed
it　back。　I　felt　like　one　in　a　dreadful　dilemmaall　joy　had　given　place
to　fear。　Bro。　Osburn　again　handed　me　the　book。　I　felt　then　I　must　go
through　this　trying　ordeal。　I　took　the　book；　walked　up　to　the　front；　all
were　standing；　the　church　crowded　and　Bro。　Parker　gave　out　the　number
of　the　hymn　〃40〃。　〃No；〃　I　said；　〃We　will　sing　No。　3。〃　This　song
was；　〃I　know　Not　Why　This　Wondrous　Grace　To　Me　He　Hath　Made
Known。〃　Bro。　Parker　gave　out　the　number　again。　I　said；　〃No；〃　and
began　to　sing。　Bro。　Allen　accompanied　me　with　his　cornet。　Of　course
one　can　imagine　what　an　impression　this　would　make　on　an　audience。
I　sang；　two　verses　and　the　chorus。　I　then　took　my　seat。　Then　a　flood
of　peace　and　heavenly　companionship　took　possession　of　me。　I　then　knew
what　it　was　to　have　angels　minister　unto　you。　God　took　me　at　my　word
and　made　me　appear　a　〃fool；〃　and　objectionable；　to　the　whole　people。
What　a　fatal　result　there　might　have　been；　if　I　had　not　obeyed　God！

I　know　why　people　do　not　have　power　with　God。　They　will　not
abandon　themselves　to　the　whole　will　of　God；　because　they　will　not　suffer
the　OFFENSE　of　the　cross。　Why　care　for　the　criticism　of　men　that　change
and　die！

I　had　an　experience　once　for　eight　months；　when　I　felt　that　Christ
had　turned　his　face　from　me；　not　in　displeasure；　but　this　was　a　trial　of
faith。　My　prayers　had　no　response；　brought　me　no　hope　of　having　been
heard。　But　I　prayed　quite　as　much；　if　not　more。　Never　got　discouraged；
although　I　was　in　gloom；　and　my　heart　was　like　lead。　All　at　once　there
was　a　return　of　the　conscious　presence　of　God。　'Tis　a　poor　servant　that
serves　only　for　hire。　〃Though　He　slay　me　yet　will　I　trust　Him。〃　God
has　kept　me　from　following　any　but　Him。

One　dear　friend　thought　that　Haney　was　the　great　holiness　teacher；
another　one　thought　Carodine。　They　would　quote　their　sayings；　but
I　always　found　better　and　clearer　teaching　in　the　word　of　God。　I　could
see　errors　in　all　the　holiness　teachers；　but　not　one　in　the　Bible。　The
book　of　Job　settled　the　question　of　the　most　perfect　experience。　Men　can
be　perfect　men　and　not　perfect　saints。　When　Job　was；　〃holding　fast
his　integrity〃　God　did　not　bless　him　like　He　did　when　Job　saw　the　perfection
of　God　and　said：　Wherefore　I　abhor　myself　and　repent　in　dust
and　ashes。〃　The　Sermon　on　the　Mount　is　the　greatest　lesson　in　holiness　and　is
from　the　only　one　that　can　teach　holiness。　Great　lessons
can　be　taught　by　all　persons；　taught　of　God；　but　'tis　better　to　drink　at
the　fountain　than　out　of　a　stale　bucket。　Besides　all　have　imperfection。
〃To　the　law　and　to　the　testimony　if　they　speak　not　according　to　this
word　it　is　because　there　is　no　light　in　them。〃　〃They　shall　all　be　taught
of　God。〃　〃If　any　lack　wisdom；　let　him　ask　of　God　who　giveth　to　all
liberally　and　upbraideth　not；　and　it　shall　be　given。〃

From　the　time　that　my　Christian　experience　began；　I　never　wished
to　be　associated　with　rich　people；　or　rather　people　that　had　wealth　for
display。　Would　feel　uncomfortable　to　go　in　a　house　filled　with　furniture
or　bric…a…brac。　It　would　be　an　evidence　to　me　of　the　great　waste　of
money　and　time　by　the　owner。　Nothing　had　value　to　me　only　as　it　could
be　used　for　the　salvation　of　men　and　women；　and　the　glorifying　of　God。
It　mortified　me　to　see　a　〃swell　dressed〃　woman。　I　noticed　that　those　so…
called　fashionable　women　really　never　had　time　or　money　to　do　charity。
Of　course　there　are　exceptions。　The　display　of　wealth　to　me　is　an　evidence
of　a　depraved　nature。　The　use　of　wealth；　is　in　relieving　the　wants
of　mankind。　The　time　is　coming　when　the　millionaires　will　be　the
despised　of　the　people；　for　they　are　learning　fast　that　people　who　amass
fortunes；　and　hoard　them；　are　in　that　condition　because　they　have　ground
the　face　of　the　poor。　They　are　not　honest　or　good。　A　man　or　woman
now　that　can　hoard　money　or　goods　and　pass　and　repass　the　suffering
every　day；　has　a　cold；　selfish　heart；　and　instead　of　its　being　in　the　future
a　letter　of　credit　to　say：　〃Mr。　So　and　So　is　a　millionaire；〃　it　will　be　a
disgrace　as　it　should　be；　to　live　for　wealth　and　self　alone。　Still
'tis　well　to　get　all　the　money　in　a　good　way；　that　you　can　and　then　use　it
in　a　good　cause。　Job　was　a　rich　man　but　he　was　a　friend　of　the　〃fatherless
and　widow。〃　He　dealt　his　bread　to　the　hungry。　He　was　feet　to　the　lame
and　eyes　to　the　blind。〃　Such　rich　men　as　Job　are　blessings；　but　those
men　who　boast　of　their　hoarded　treasures；　spend　their　money　in　the
gratification　of　their　lusts；　to　them　God　says：　〃Woe　or　curses　unto　you
rich　men！　Weep　and　howl　for　your　miseries　that　shall　come　upon　you！
Your　garments　are　motheaten；　your　gold　is　cankered　and　the　rust　shall
eat　your　flesh　as　if　it　were　fire。〃　Yes；　there　is　a　class　of　rich　men　that
would　now　HOWL；　and　weep　with　all　their　money；　if　they　knew　their　fate。

I　have　never　had　so　light　a　heart　or　felt　so　well　satisfied　as　since　I
smashed　those　murder　mills。　For　years　I　had　an　aching；　weeping　heart。
I　would　often　put　ashes　on　my　head。　I　felt　like　wearing　sackcloth。　I　can
see　the　hand　of　God　in　my　life。　From　a　small　child　I　loved　the　world；
used　to　be　fond　of　pets。　It　seemed　that　my　pets　always　came　to　grief。
Then　I　was　very　anxious　to　be　thought　smart。　Would　try　to　write　and
wanted　a　thorough　education。　I　became　almost　an　invalid。　Could　not
attend　school。　Was　hindered　on　account　of　the　circumstances　brought
about　by　the　Civil　war。　The　man　I　loved　and　married　brought　to　me
bitter　grief。　The　child　I　loved　so　well　became　afflicted　and　never　seemed
to　want　my　love。　The　man　I　married；　hoping　to　serve　God；　I　found　to
be　opposed　to　all　I　did；　as　a　Christian。　I　used　to　wonder　why　this　was。
I　saw　others　with　their　loving　children　and　husbands　and　I　would　wish
their　condition　was　mine。　I　now　see　why　God　saw　in　me　a　great　lover；
and　in　order　to　have　me　use　that　love　for　Him；　and　others；　He　did　not
let　me　have　those　that　would　have　narrowed　my　life　down　to　my　own
selfish　wishes。　Oh！　the　grief　He　has　sent　me！　Oh！　the　fiery　trials！
Oh！　the　shattered　hopes！　How　I　love　Him　for　this！　〃Whom　the　Lord
loveth　He　chasteneth　and　scourgeth　every　son　whom　He　receiveth。〃
There　are　pages　in　my　life　that　have　had　much　to　do　in　bringing　me　in
sympathy　with　the　fallen　tempted　natures。　These　I　cannot　write；　but　let
no　erring；　sinful　man　or　woman　think　that　Carry　Nation　would　not　understand
this；　for　Carry　Nation　is　a　sinner　saved　by　grace　and　I　know　He
can　save　to　the　uttermost；　all　that　come　unto　Him。　〃Heaven　is　made　for
redeemed　sinners　and　hell　for　the　proud　and　disobedient。〃　When　I
see　the　proud　glance；　the　boastful　manner；　the　display　of；　〃I　am　better
than　thou；〃　I　feel　pity　and　commiseration　for　the　poor　dying　creature　and
see　〃behind　the　face　a　grinning　skull〃。　I　like　the　companionship　of　the
servant　in　the　kitchen　more　than　the　mistress　in　the　parlor。　I　covet　the
humblest　walk。　I　wish　for　the　power；　often；　to　make　the　rich　take　back
seats；　and　give　the　front　to　the　poor；　the　crippled；　the　lame　and　the　blind。
I　will　not　have　a　piece　of　fine　furni