the door in the wall-第4节

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counsels　ringing　in　my　ears；　and　I　smoked　my　favourite　pipethe

formidable　bulldog　of　adolescenceand　thought　of　that　door　in　the

long　white　wall。　　'If　I　had　stopped；'　I　thought；　'I　should　have

missed　my　scholarship；　I　should　have　missed　Oxfordmuddled　all　the

fine　career　before　me！　　I　begin　to　see　things　better！'　I　fell

musing　deeply；　but　I　did　not　doubt　then　this　career　of　mine　was　a

thing　that　merited　sacrifice。



〃Those　dear　friends　and　that　clear　atmosphere　seemed　very

sweet　to　me；　very　fine；　but　remote。　　My　grip　was　fixing　now　upon

the　world。　　I　saw　another　door　openingthe　door　of　my　career。〃



He　stared　again　into　the　fire。　　Its　red　lights　picked　out　a

stubborn　strength　in　his　face　for　just　one　flickering　moment；　and

then　it　vanished　again。



〃Well〃；　he　said　and　sighed；　〃I　have　served　that　career。　　I

have　donemuch　work；　much　hard　work。　　But　I　have　dreamt　of　the

enchanted　garden　a　thousand　dreams；　and　seen　its　door；　or　at　least

glimpsed　its　door；　four　times　since　then。　　Yesfour　times。　　For　a

while　this　world　was　so　bright　and　interesting；　seemed　so　full　of

meaning　and　opportunity　that　the　half…effaced　charm　of　the　garden

was　by　comparison　gentle　and　remote。　　Who　wants　to　pat　panthers　on

the　way　to　dinner　with　pretty　women　and　distinguished　men？　　I　came

down　to　London　from　Oxford；　a　man　of　bold　promise　that　I　have　done

something　to　redeem。　　Somethingand　yet　there　have　been

disappointments　。　。　。　。　。



〃Twice　I　have　been　in　loveI　will　not　dwell　on　thatbut

once；　as　I　went　to　someone　who；　I　know；　doubted　whether　I　dared　to

come；　I　took　a　short　cut　at　a　venture　through　an　unfrequented　road

near　Earl's　Court；　and　so　happened　on　a　white　wall　and　a　familiar

green　door。　　'Odd！'　said　I　to　myself；　'but　I　thought　this　place　was

on　Campden　Hill。　　It's　the　place　I　never　could　find　somehowlike

counting　Stonehengethe　place　of　that　queer　day　dream　of　mine。'

And　I　went　by　it　intent　upon　my　purpose。　　It　had　no　appeal　to　me

that　afternoon。



〃I　had　just　a　moment's　impulse　to　try　the　door；　three　steps

aside　were　needed　at　the　mostthough　I　was　sure　enough　in　my　heart

that　it　would　open　to　meand　then　I　thought　that　doing　so　might

delay　me　on　the　way　to　that　appointment　in　which　I　thought　my

honour　was　involved。　　Afterwards　I　was　sorry　for　my　punctualityI

might　at　least　have　peeped　in　I　thought；　and　waved　a　hand　to　those

panthers；　but　I　knew　enough　by　this　time　not　to　seek　again

belatedly　that　which　is　not　found　by　seeking。　　Yes；　that　time　made

me　very　sorry　。　。　。　。　。



〃Years　of　hard　work　after　that　and　never　a　sight　of　the　door。　

It's　only　recently　it　has　come　back　to　me。　　With　it　there　has　come

a　sense　as　though　some　thin　tarnish　had　spread　itself　over　my

world。　　I　began　to　think　of　it　as　a　sorrowful　and　bitter　thing　that

I　should　never　see　that　door　again。　　Perhaps　I　was　suffering　a

little　from　overworkperhaps　it　was　what　I've　heard　spoken　of　as

the　feeling　of　forty。　　I　don't　know。　　But　certainly　the　keen

brightness　that　makes　effort　easy　has　gone　out　of　things　recently；

and　that　just　at　a　time　with　all　these　new　political　developments

when　I　ought　to　be　working。　　Odd；　isn't　it？　　But　I　do　begin　to

find　life　toilsome；　its　rewards；　as　I　come　near　them；　cheap。　　I

began　a　little　while　ago　to　want　the　garden　quite　badly。　　Yesand

I've　seen　it　three　times。〃



〃The　garden？〃



〃Nothe　door！　　And　I　haven't　gone　in！〃



He　leaned　over　the　table　to　me；　with　an　enormous　sorrow　in　his

voice　as　he　spoke。　　〃Thrice　I　have　had　my　chanceTHRICE！　

If　ever　that　door　offers　itself　to　me　again；　I　swore；　I　will　go　in

out　of　this　dust　and　heat；　out　of　this　dry　glitter　of　vanity；　out

of　these　toilsome　futilities。　　I　will　go　and　never　return。　　This

time　I　will　stay　。　。　。　。　。　　I　swore　it　and　when　the　time　came

I　DIDN'T　GO。



〃Three　times　in　one　year　have　I　passed　that　door　and　failed　to

enter。　　Three　times　in　the　last　year。



〃The　first　time　was　on　the　night　of　the　snatch　division　on　the

Tenants'　Redemption　Bill；　on　which　the　Government　was　saved　by　a

majority　of　three。　　You　remember？　　No　one　on　our　sideperhaps　very

few　on　the　opposite　sideexpected　the　end　that　night。　　Then　the

debate　collapsed　like　eggshells。　　I　and　Hotchkiss　were　dining　with

his　cousin　at　Brentford；　we　were　both　unpaired；　and　we　were　called

up　by　telephone；　and　set　off　at　once　in　his　cousin's　motor。　　We　got

in　barely　in　time；　and　on　the　way　we　passed　my　wall　and　doorlivid

in　the　moonlight；　blotched　with　hot　yellow　as　the　glare　of　our

lamps　lit　it；　but　unmistakable。　　'My　God！'　cried　I。　　'What？'said

Hotchkiss。　　'Nothing！'　I　answered；　and　the　moment　passed。



〃'I've　made　a　great　sacrifice；'　I　told　the　whip　as　I　got　in。

'They　all　have；'　he　said；　and　hurried　by。



〃I　do　not　see　how　I　could　have　done　otherwise　then。　　And　the

next　occasion　was　as　I　rushed　to　my　father's　bedside　to　bid　that

stern　old　man　farewell。　　Then；　too；　the　claims　of　life　were

imperative。　　But　the　third　time　was　different；　it　happened　a　week

ago。　　It　fills　me　with　hot　remorse　to　recall　it。　　I　was　with　Gurker

and　Ralphsit's　no　secret　now　you　know　that　I've　had　my　talk　with

Gurker。　　We　had　been　dining　at　Frobisher's；　and　the　talk　had　become

intimate　between　us。　　The　question　of　my　place　in　the　reconstructed

ministry　lay　always　just　over　the　boundary　of　the　discussion。　　Yes

yes。　　That's　all　settled。　　It　needn't　be　talked　about　yet；　but

there's　no　reason　to　keep　a　secret　from　you　。　。　。　。　。　　Yesthanks！

thanks！　　But　let　me　tell　you　my　story。



〃Then；　on　that　night　things　were　very　much　in　the　air。　　My

position　was　a　very　delicate　one。　　I　was　keenly　anxious　to　get　some

definite　word　from　Gurker；　but　was　hampered　by　Ralphs'　presence。　

I　was　using　the　best　power　of　my　brain　to　keep　that　light　and

careless　talk　not　too　obviously　directed　to　the　point　that　concerns

me。　　I　had　to。　　Ralphs'　behaviour　since　has　more　than　justified　my

caution　。　。　。　。　。　　Ralphs；　I　knew；　would　leave　us　beyond　the

Kensington　High　Street；　and　then　I　could　surprise　Gurker　by　a

sudden　frankness。　　One　has　sometimes　to　resort　to　these　little

devices。　。　。　。　。　　And　then　it　was　that　in　the　margin　of　my　field　of

vision　I　became　aware　once　more　of　the　white　wall；　the　green　door

before　us　down　the　road。



〃We　passed　it　talking。　　I　passed　it。　　I　can　still　see　the

shadow　of　Gurker's　marked　profile；　his　opera　hat　tilted　forward

over　his　prominent　nose；　the　many　folds　of　his　neck　wrap　going

before　my　shadow　and　Ralphs'　as　we　sauntered　past。



〃I　passed　within　twenty　inches　of　the　door。　　'If　I　say

good…night　to　them；　and　go　in；'　I　asked　myself；　'what　will　happen？'

And　I　was　all　a…tingle　for　that　word　with　Gurker。



〃I　could　not　answer　that　question　in　the　tangle　of　my　other

problems。　　'They　will　think　me　mad；'　I　thought。　　'And　suppose　I

vanish　now！Amazing　disappearance　of　a　prominent　politician！'　That

weighed　with　me。　A　thousand　inconceivably　petty　worldlinesses

weighed　with　me　in　that　crisis。〃



Then　he　turned　on　me　with　a　sorrowful　smile；　and；　speaking

slowly；　〃Here　I　am！〃　he　said。



〃Here　I　am！〃　he　repeated；　〃and　my　chance　has　gone　from　me。　

Three　times　in　one　year　the　door　has　been　offered　methe　door　that

goes　into　peace；　into　delight；　into　a　beauty　beyond　dreaming；　a

kindness　no　man　on　earth　can　know。　　And　I　have　rejected　it；

Redmond；　and　it　has　gone〃



〃How　do　you　know？〃



〃I　know。　　I　know。　　I　am　left　now　to　work　it　out；　to　stick　to

the　tasks　that　held　me　so　strongly　when　my　moments　came。　　You　say；

I　have　successthis　vulgar；　tawdry；　irksome；　envied　thing。　　I　have

it。〃　　He　had　a　walnut　in　his　big　hand。　　〃If　that　was　my　success；〃

he　said；　and　crushed　it；　and　held　it　out　for　me　to　see。



〃Let　me　tell　you　something；　Redmond。　　This　loss　is　destroying

me。　　For　two　months；　for　ten　weeks　nearly　now；　I　have　done　no　work

at　all；　except　the　most　necessary　and　urgent　duties。　　My　soul　is

full　of　inappeasable　regrets。　　At　nightswhen　it　is　less　likely　I

shall　be　recognisedI　go　out。　　I　wander。　　Yes。　　I　wonder　what

people　would　think　of　that　if　they　knew。　　A　Cabinet　Minister；　the

responsible　head　of　that　most　vital　of　all　departments；　wandering

alonegrievingsometimes　near　audibly　lamentingfor　a　door；　for

a　garden！〃





IV





I　can　see　now　his　rather　pallid　face；　and　the　unfamiliar

sombre　fire　that　had　come　into　his　eyes。　　I　see　him　very　vividly

to…night。　　I　sit　recalling　his　words；　his　tones；　and　last　evening's

Westminster　Gazette　still　lies　on　my　sofa；　containing　the

notice　of　his　death。　　At　lunch　to…day　the　club　was　busy　with　him

and　the　strange　riddle　of　his　fate。



They　found　his　body　very　early　yesterday　morning　in　a　deep

excavation　near　East　Kensington　Station。　　It　is　one　of　two　shafts

that　have　been　made　in　connection　with　an　extension　of　the　railway

southward。　　It　is　protected　from　the　intrusion　of　the　public　by　a

hoarding　upon　the　high　road；　in　which　a　small　doorway　has　been　cut

for　the　convenience　of　some　of　t