selected writings-第15节

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what；　then；　would　there　be　surprising　in　the　fact　that　my　faculty

of　controlling　the　unreality　of　certain　hallucinations　should　be

destroyed　for　the　time　being？



I　thought　of　all　this　as　I　walked　by　the　side　of　the　water。　The

sun　was　shining　brightly　on　the　river　and　made　earth　delightful；

while　it　filled　me　with　love　for　life；　for　the　swallows；　whose

swift　agility　is　always　delightful　in　my　eyes；　for　the　plants　by

the　riverside；　whose　rustling　is　a　pleasure　to　my　ears。



By　degrees；　however；　an　inexplicable　feeling　of　discomfort　seized

me。　It　seemed　to　me　as　if　some　unknown　force　were　numbing　and

stopping　me；　were　preventing　me　from　going　further　and　were

calling　me　back。　I　felt　that　painful　wish　to　return　which　comes

on　you　when　you　have　left　a　beloved　invalid　at　home；　and　are

seized　by　a　presentiment　that　he　is　worse。



I；　therefore；　returned　despite　of　myself；　feeling　certain　that　I

should　find　some　bad　news　awaiting　me；　a　letter　or　a　telegram。

There　was　nothing；　however；　and　I　was　surprised　and　uneasy；　more

so　than　if　I　had　had　another　fantastic　vision。



August　8。　I　spent　a　terrible　evening；　yesterday。　He　does　not　show

himself　any　more；　but　I　feel　that　He　is　near　me；　watching　me；

looking　at　me；　penetrating　me；　dominating　me；　and　more　terrible

to　me　when　He　hides　himself　thus　than　if　He　were　to　manifest　his

constant　and　invisible　presence　by　supernatural　phenomena。

However；　I　slept。



August　9。　Nothing；　but　I　am　afraid。



August　10。　Nothing；　but　what　will　happen　to…morrow？



August　11。　Still　nothing。　I　cannot　stop　at　home　with　this　fear

hanging　over　me　and　these　thoughts　in　my　mind；　I　shall　go　away。



August　12。　Ten　o'clock　at　night。　All　day　long　I　have　been　trying

to　get　away；　and　have　not　been　able。　I　contemplated　a　simple　and

easy　act　of　liberty；　a　carriage　ride　to　Rouenand　I　have　not

been　able　to　do　it。　What　is　the　reason？



August　13。　When　one　is　attacked　by　certain　maladies；　the　springs

of　our　physical　being　seem　broken；　our　energies　destroyed；　our

muscles　relaxed；　our　bones　to　be　as　soft　as　our　flesh；　and　our

blood　as　liquid　as　water。　I　am　experiencing　the　same　in　my　moral

being；　in　a　strange　and　distressing　manner。　I　have　no　longer　any

strength；　any　courage；　any　self…control；　nor　even　any　power　to

set　my　own　will　in　motion。　I　have　no　power　left　to　WILL　anything；

but　some　one　does　it　for　me　and　I　obey。



August　14。　I　am　lost！　Somebody　possesses　my　soul　and　governs　it！

Somebody　orders　all　my　acts；　all　my　movements；　all　my　thoughts。　I

am　no　longer　master　of　myself；　nothing　except　an　enslaved　and

terrified　spectator　of　the　things　which　I　do。　I　wish　to　go　out；　I

cannot。　HE　does　not　wish　to；　and　so　I　remain；　trembling　and

distracted　in　the　armchair　in　which　he　keeps　me　sitting。　I　merely

wish　to　get　up　and　to　rouse　myself；　so　as　to　think　that　I　am

still　master　of　myself：　I　cannot！　I　am　riveted　to　my　chair；　and

my　chair　adheres　to　the　floor　in　such　a　manner　that　no　force　of

mine　can　move　us。



Then　suddenly；　I　must；　I　MUST　go　to　the　foot　of　my　garden　to　pick

some　strawberries　and　eat　them　and　I　go　there。　I　pick　the

strawberries　and　I　eat　them！　Oh！　my　God！　my　God！　Is　there　a　God？

If　there　be　one；　deliver　me！　save　me！　succor　me！　Pardon！　Pity！

Mercy！　Save　me！　Oh！　what　sufferings！　what　torture！　what　horror！



August　15。　Certainly　this　is　the　way　in　which　my　poor　cousin　was

possessed　and　swayed；　when　she　came　to　borrow　five　thousand

francs　of　me。　She　was　under　the　power　of　a　strange　will　which　had

entered　into　her；　like　another　soul；　a　parasitic　and　ruling　soul。

Is　the　world　coming　to　an　end？



But　who　is　he；　this　invisible　being　that　rules　me；　this

unknowable　being；　this　rover　of　a　supernatural　race？



Invisible　beings　exist；　then！　how　is　it；　then；　that　since　the

beginning　of　the　world　they　have　never　manifested　themselves　in

such　a　manner　as　they　do　to　me？　I　have　never　read　anything　that

resembles　what　goes　on　in　my　house。　Oh！　If　I　could　only　leave　it；

if　I　could　only　go　away　and　flee；　and　never　return；　I　should　be

saved；　but　I　cannot。



August　16。　I　managed　to　escape　to…day　for　two　hours；　like　a

prisoner　who　finds　the　door　of　his　dungeon　accidentally　open。　I

suddenly　felt　that　I　was　free　and　that　He　was　far　away；　and　so　I

gave　orders　to　put　the　horses　in　as　quickly　as　possible；　and　I

drove　to　Rouen。　Oh！　how　delightful　to　be　able　to　say　to　my

coachman：　〃Go　to　Rouen！〃



I　made　him　pull　up　before　the　library；　and　I　begged　them　to　lend

me　Dr。　Herrmann　Herestauss's　treatise　on　the　unknown　inhabitants

of　the　ancient　and　modern　world。



Then；　as　I　was　getting　into　my　carriage；　I　intended　to　say：　〃To

the　railway　station！〃　but　instead　of　this　I　shoutedI　did　not

speak；　but　I　shoutedin　such　a　loud　voice　that　all　the

passers…by　turned　round：　〃Home！〃　and　I　fell　back　on　to　the

cushion　of　my　carriage；　overcome　by　mental　agony。　He　had　found　me

out　and　regained　possession　of　me。



August　17。　Oh！　What　a　night！　what　a　night！　And　yet　it　seems　to　me

that　I　ought　to　rejoice。　I　read　until　one　o'clock　in　the　morning！

Herestauss；　Doctor　of　Philosophy　and　Theogony；　wrote　the　history

and　the　manifestation　of　all　those　invisible　beings　which　hover

around　man；　or　of　whom　he　dreams。　He　describes　their　origin；

their　domains；　their　power；　but　none　of　them　resembles　the　one

which　haunts　me。　One　might　say　that　man；　ever　since　he　has

thought；　has　had　a　foreboding　and　a　fear　of　a　new　being；　stronger

than　himself；　his　successor　in　this　world；　and　that；　feeling　him

near；　and　not　being　able　to　foretell　the　nature　of　the　unseen

one；　he　has；　in　his　terror；　created　the　whole　race　of　hidden

beings；　vague　phantoms　born　of　fear。



Having；　therefore；　read　until　one　o'clock　in　the　morning；　I　went

and　sat　down　at　the　open　window；　in　order　to　cool　my　forehead　and

my　thoughts　in　the　calm　night　air。　It　was　very　pleasant　and　warm！

How　I　should　have　enjoyed　such　a　night　formerly！



There　was　no　moon；　but　the　stars　darted　out　their　rays　in　the

dark　heavens。　Who　inhabits　those　worlds？　What　forms；　what　living

beings；　what　animals　are　there　yonder？　Do　those　who　are　thinkers

in　those　distant　worlds　know　more　than　we　do？　What　can　they　do

more　than　we？　What　do　they　see　which　we　do　not？　Will　not　one　of

them；　some　day　or　other；　traversing　space；　appear　on　our　earth　to

conquer　it；　just　as　formerly　the　Norsemen　crossed　the　sea　in

order　to　subjugate　nations　feebler　than　themselves？



We　are　so　weak；　so　powerless；　so　ignorant；　so　smallwe　who　live

on　this　particle　of　mud　which　revolves　in　liquid　air。



I　fell　asleep；　dreaming　thus　in　the　cool　night　air；　and　then；

having　slept　for　about　three　quarters　of　an　hour；　I　opened　my

eyes　without　moving；　awakened　by　an　indescribably　confused　and

strange　sensation。　At　first　I　saw　nothing；　and　then　suddenly　it

appeared　to　me　as　if　a　page　of　the　book；　which　had　remained　open

on　my　table；　turned　over　of　its　own　accord。　Not　a　breath　of　air

had　come　in　at　my　window；　and　I　was　surprised　and　waited。　In

about　four　minutes；　I　saw；　I　sawyes　I　saw　with　my　own

eyesanother　page　lift　itself　up　and　fall　down　on　the　others；　as

if　a　finger　had　turned　it　over。　My　armchair　was　empty；　appeared

empty；　but　I　knew　that　He　was　there；　He；　and　sitting　in　my　place；

and　that　He　was　reading。　With　a　furious　bound；　the　bound　of　an

enraged　wild　beast　that　wishes　to　disembowel　its　tamer；　I　crossed

my　room　to　seize　him；　to　strangle　him；　to　kill　him！　But　before　I

could　reach　it；　my　chair　fell　over　as　if　somebody　had　run　away

from　me。　My　table　rocked；　my　lamp　fell　and　went　out；　and　my

window　closed　as　if　some　thief　had　been　surprised　and　had　fled

out　into　the　night；　shutting　it　behind　him。



So　He　had　run　away；　He　had　been　afraid；　He；　afraid　of　me！



So　to…morrow；　or　latersome　day　or　other；　I　should　be　able　to

hold　him　in　my　clutches　and　crush　him　against　the　ground！　Do　not

dogs　occasionally　bite　and　strangle　their　masters？



August　18。　I　have　been　thinking　the　whole　day　long。　Oh！　yes；　I

will　obey　Him；　follow　His　impulses；　fulfill　all　His　wishes；　show

myself　humble；　submissive；　a　coward。　He　is　the　stronger；　but　an

hour　will　come。



August　19。　I　know；　I　know；　I　know　all！　I　have　just　read　the

following　in　the　〃Revue　du　Monde　Scientifique〃：　〃A　curious　piece

of　news　comes　to　us　from　Rio　de　Janeiro。　Madness；　an　epidemic　of

madness；　which　may　be　compared　to　that　contagious　madness　which

attacked　the　people　of　Europe　in　the　Middle　Ages；　is　at　this

moment　raging　in　the　Province　of　San…Paulo。　The　frightened

inhabitants　are　leaving　their　houses；　deserting　their　villages；

abandoning　their　land；　saying　that　they　are　pursued；　possessed；

governed　like　human　cattle　by　invisible；　though　tangible　beings；

by　a　species　of　vampire；　which　feeds　on　their　life　while　they　are

asleep；　and　which；　besides；　drinks　water　and　milk　without

appearing　to　touch　any　other　nourishment。



〃Professor　Don　Pedro　Henriques；　accompanied　by　several　me