selected writings-第12节

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when　I　suddenly　fall　asleep；　as　a　man　throws　himself　into　a　pool

of　stagnant　water　in　order　to　drown。　I　do　not　feel　this

perfidious　sleep　coming　over　me　as　I　used　to；　but　a　sleep　which

is　close　to　me　and　watching　me；　which　is　going　to　seize　me　by　the

head；　to　close　my　eyes　and　annihilate　me。



I　sleepa　long　timetwo　or　three　hours　perhapsthen　a

dreamnoa　nightmare　lays　hold　on　me。　I　feel　that　I　am　in　bed

and　asleepI　feel　it　and　I　know　itand　I　feel　also　that

somebody　is　coming　close　to　me；　is　looking　at　me；　touching　me；　is

getting　on　to　my　bed；　is　kneeling　on　my　chest；　is　taking　my　neck

between　his　hands　and　squeezing　itsqueezing　it　with　all　his

might　in　order　to　strangle　me。



I　struggle；　bound　by　that　terrible　powerlessness　which　paralyzes

us　in　our　dreams；　I　try　to　cry　outbut　I　cannot；　I　want　to

moveI　cannot；　I　try；　with　the　most　violent　efforts　and　out　of

breath；　to　turn　over　and　throw　off　this　being　which　is　crushing

and　suffocating　meI　cannot！



And　then　suddenly　I　wake　up；　shaken　and　bathed　in　perspiration；　I

light　a　candle　and　find　that　I　am　alone；　and　after　that　crisis；

which　occurs　every　night；　I　at　length　fall　asleep　and　slumber

tranquilly　till　morning。



June　2。　My　state　has　grown　worse。　What　is　the　matter　with　me？　The

bromide　does　me　no　good；　and　the　shower…baths　have　no　effect

whatever。　Sometimes；　in　order　to　tire　myself　out；　though　I　am

fatigued　enough　already；　I　go　for　a　walk　in　the　forest　of

Roumare。　I　used　to　think　at　first　that　the　fresh　light　and　soft

air；　impregnated　with　the　odor　of　herbs　and　leaves；　would　instill

new　life　into　my　veins　and　impart　fresh　energy　to　my　heart。　One

day　I　turned　into　a　broad　ride　in　the　wood；　and　then　I　diverged

toward　La　Bouille；　through　a　narrow　path；　between　two　rows　of

exceedingly　tall　trees；　which　placed　a　thick；　green；　almost　black

roof　between　the　sky　and　me。



A　sudden　shiver　ran　through　me；　not　a　cold　shiver；　but　a　shiver

of　agony；　and　so　I　hastened　my　steps；　uneasy　at　being　alone　in

the　wood；　frightened　stupidly　and　without　reason；　at　the　profound

solitude。　Suddenly　it　seemed　as　if　I　were　being　followed；　that

somebody　was　walking　at　my　heels；　close；　quite　close　to　me；　near

enough　to　touch　me。



I　turned　round　suddenly；　but　I　was　alone。　I　saw　nothing　behind　me

except　the　straight；　broad　ride；　empty　and　bordered　by　high

trees；　horribly　empty；　on　the　other　side　also　it　extended　until

it　was　lost　in　the　distance；　and　looked　just　the　sameterrible。



I　closed　my　eyes。　Why？　And　then　I　began　to　turn　round　on　one　heel

very　quickly；　just　like　a　top。　I　nearly　fell　down；　and　opened　my

eyes；　the　trees　were　dancing　round　me　and　the　earth　heaved；　I　was

obliged　to　sit　down。　Then；　ah！　I　no　longer　remembered　how　I　had

come！　What　a　strange　idea！　What　a　strange；　strange　idea！　I　did

not　the　least　know。　I　started　off　to　the　right；　and　got　back　into

the　avenue　which　had　led　me　into　the　middle　of　the　forest。



June　3。　I　have　had　a　terrible　night。　I　shall　go　away　for　a　few

weeks；　for　no　doubt　a　journey　will　set　me　up　again。



July　2。　I　have　come　back；　quite　cured；　and　have　had　a　most

delightful　trip　into　the　bargain。　I　have　been　to　Mont

Saint…Michel；　which　I　had　not　seen　before。



What　a　sight；　when　one　arrives　as　I　did；　at　Avranches　toward　the

end　of　the　day！　The　town　stands　on　a　hill；　and　I　was　taken　into

the　public　garden　at　the　extremity　of　the　town。　I　uttered　a　cry

of　astonishment。　An　extraordinarily　large　bay　lay　extended　before

me；　as　far　as　my　eyes　could　reach；　between　two　hills　which　were

lost　to　sight　in　the　mist；　and　in　the　middle　of　this　immense

yellow　bay；　under　a　clear；　golden　sky；　a　peculiar　hill　rose　up；

somber　and　pointed　in　the　midst　of　the　sand。　The　sun　had　just

disappeared；　and　under　the　still　flaming　sky　stood　out　the

outline　of　that　fantastic　rock　which　bears　on　its　summit　a

picturesque　monument。



At　daybreak　I　went　to　it。　The　tide　was　low；　as　it　had　been　the

night　before；　and　I　saw　that　wonderful　abbey　rise　up　before　me　as

I　approached　it。　After　several　hours'　walking；　I　reached　the

enormous　mass　of　rock　which　supports　the　little　town；　dominated

by　the　great　church。　Having　climbed　the　steep　and　narrow　street；

I　entered　the　most　wonderful　Gothic　building　that　has　ever　been

erected　to　God　on　earth；　large　as　a　town；　and　full　of　low　rooms

which　seem　buried　beneath　vaulted　roofs；　and　of　lofty　galleries

supported　by　delicate　columns。



I　entered　this　gigantic　granite　jewel；　which　is　as　light　in　its

effect　as　a　bit　of　lace　and　is　covered　with　towers；　with　slender

belfries　to　which　spiral　staircases　ascend。　The　flying　buttresses

raise　strange　heads　that　bristle　with　chimeras。　with　devils；　with

fantastic　ani…mals；　with　monstrous　flowers；　are　joined　together

by　finely　carved　arches；　to　the　blue　sky　by　day；　and　to　the　black

sky　by　night。



When　I　had　reached　the　summit。　I　said　to　the　monk　who　accompanied

me：　〃Father；　how　happy　you　must　be　here！〃　And　he　replied：　〃It　is

very　windy；　Monsieur〃；　and　so　we　began　to　talk　while　watching　the

rising　tide；　which　ran　over　the　sand　and　covered　it　with　a　steel

cuirass。



And　then　the　monk　told　me　stories；　all　the　old　stories　belonging

to　the　placelegends；　nothing　but　legends。



One　of　them　struck　me　forcibly。　The　country　people；　those

belonging　to　the　Mornet；　declare　that　at　night　one　can　hear

talking　going　on　in　the　sand；　and　also　that　two　goats　bleat；　one

with　a　strong；　the　other　with　a　weak　voice。　Incredulous　people

declare　that　it　is　nothing　but　the　screaming　of　the　sea　birds；

which　occasionally　resembles　bleatings；　and　occasionally　human

lamentations；　but　belated　fishermen　swear　that　they　have　met　an

old　shepherd；　whose　cloak　covered　head　they　can　never　see；

wandering　on　the　sand；　between　two　tides；　round　the　little　town

placed　so　far　out　of　the　world。　They　declare　he　is　guiding　and

walking　before　a　he…goat　with　a　man's　face　and　a　she…goat　with　a

woman's　face；　both　with　white　hair；　who　talk　incessantly；

quarreling　in　a　strange　language；　and　then　suddenly　cease　talking

in　order　to　bleat　with　all　their　might。



〃Do　you　believe　it？〃　I　asked　the　monk。　〃I　scarcely　know；〃　he

replied；　and　I　continued：　〃If　there　are　other　beings　besides

ourselves　on　this　earth；　how　comes　it　that　we　have　not　known　it

for　so　long　a　time；　or　why　have　you　not　seen　them？　How　is　it　that

I　have　not　seen　them？〃



He　replied：　〃Do　we　see　the　hundred…thousandth　part　of　what

exists？　Look　here；　there　is　the　wind；　which　is　the　strongest

force　in　nature。　It　knocks　down　men；　and　blows　down　buildings；

uproots　trees；　raises　the　sea　into　mountains　of　water；　destroys

cliffs　and　casts　great　ships　on　to　the　breakers；　it　kills；　it

whistles；　it　sighs；　it　roars。　But　have　you　ever　seen　it；　and　can

you　see　it？　Yet　it　exists　for　all　that。〃



I　was　silent　before　this　simple　reasoning。　That　man　was　a

philosopher；　or　perhaps　a　fool；　I　could　not　say　which　exactly；　so

I　held　my　tongue。　What　he　had　said　had　often　been　in　my　own

thoughts。



July　3。　I　have　slept　badly；　certainly　there　is　some　feverish

influence　here；　for　my　coachman　is　suffering　in　the　same　way　as　I

am。　When　I　went　back　home　yesterday；　I　noticed　his　singular

paleness；　and　I　asked　him：　〃What　is　the　matter　with　you；　Jean？〃



〃The　matter　is　that　I　never　get　any　rest；　and　my　nights　devour　my

days。　Since　your　departure；　Monsieur；　there　has　been　a　spell　over

me。〃



However；　the　other　servants　are　all　well；　but　I　am　very

frightened　of　having　another　attack；　myself。



July　4。　I　am　decidedly　taken　again；　for　my　old　nightmares　have

returned。　Last　night　I　felt　somebody　leaning　on　me　who　was

sucking　my　life　from　between　my　lips　with　his　mouth。　Yes；　he　was

sucking　it　out　of　my　neck　like　a　leech　would　have　done。　Then　he

got　up；　satiated；　and　I　woke　up；　so　beaten；　crushed；　and

annihilated　that　I　could　not　move。　If　this　continues　for　a　few

days；　I　shall　certainly　go　away　again。



July　5。　Have　I　lost　my　reason？　What　has　happened？　What　I　saw　last

night　is　so　strange　that　my　head　wanders　when　I　think　of　it！



As　I　do　now　every　evening；　I　had　locked　my　door；　then；　being

thirsty；　I　drank　half　a　glass　of　water；　and　I　accidentally

noticed　that　the　water…bottle　was　full　up　to　the　cut…glass

stopper。



Then　I　went　to　bed　and　fell　into　one　of　my　terrible　sleeps；　from

which　I　was　aroused　in　about　two　hours　by　a　still　more　terrible

shock。



Picture　to　yourself　a　sleeping　man　who　is　being　murdered；　who

wakes　up　with　a　knife　in　his　chest；　a　gurgling　in　his　throat；　is

covered　with　blood；　can　no　longer　breathe；　is　going　to　die　and

does　not　understand　anything　at　all　about　itthere　you　have　it。



Having　recovered　my　senses；　I　was　thirsty　again；　so　I　lighted　a

candle　and　went　to　the　table　on　which　my　water…bottle　was。　I

lifted　it　up　and　tilted　it　over　my　glass；　but　nothing　came　out。

It　was　empty！　It　was　completely　empty！　At　first　I　could　not

understand　it　at　all；　then　suddenly　I　was