selected writings-第11节

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business。　What　could　they　accuse　me　of？　Whoever　would　think　of

accusing　me；　even？　Homicide　through　imprudence；　that　would　be

all！　They　would　even　pity　me；　rather　than　accuse　me。　'My　wife！　My

poor　wife！'　I　should　say；　sobbing。　'My　wife；　who　is　so　necessary

to　me；　who　is　half　the　breadwinner；　who　takes　part　in　my

performance！'　You　must　acknowledge　that　I　should　be　pitied！〃



〃Certainly；　there　is　not　the　least　doubt　about　that。〃



〃And　you　must　allow　that　such　a　revenge　would　he　a　very　nice

revenge；　the　best　possible　revenge　which　I　could　have　with

assured　impunity。〃



〃Evidently　that　is　so。〃



〃Very　well！　But　when　I　told　her　so；　as　I　have　told　you；　and　more

forcibly　still；　threatening　her　as　I　was　mad　with　rage　and　ready

to　do　the　deed　that　I　had　dreamed　of　on　the　spot；　what　do　you

think　she　said？〃



〃That　you　were　a　good　fellow；　and　would　certainly　not　have　the

atrocious　courage　to〃



〃Tut！　tut！　tut！　I　am　not　such　a　good　fellow　as　you　think。　I　am

not　frightened　of　blood；　and　that　I　have　proved　already；　though

it　would　be　useless　to　tell　you　how　and　where。　But　I　had　no

necessity　to　prove　it　to　her；　for　she　knows　that　I　am　capable　of

a　good　many　things；　even　of　crime；　especially　of　one　crime。〃



〃And　she　was　not　frightened？〃



〃No。　She　merely　replied　that　I　could　not　do　what　I　said；　you

understand。　That　I　could　not　do　it！〃



〃Why　not？〃



〃Ah！　Monsieur；　so　you　do　not　understand？　Why　do　you　not？　I　have　I

not　explained　to　you　by　what　constant；　long；　daily　practice　I

have　learned　to　plant　my　knives　without　seeing　what　I　am　doing？〃



〃Yes；　well；　what　then？〃



〃Well！　Cannot　you　understand　what　she　has　understood　with　such

terrible　results；　that　now　my　hand　would　no　longer　obey　me　if　I

wished　to　make　a　mistake　as　I　threw？〃



〃Is　it　possible？〃



〃Nothing　is　truer；　I　am　sorry　to　say。　For　I　really　have　wished　to

have　the　revenge　which　I　have　dreamed　of；　and　which　I　thought　so

easy。　Exasperated　by　that　bad　woman's　insolence　and　confidence　in

her　own　safety；　I　have　several　times　made　up　my　mind　to　kill　her；

and　have　exerted　all　my　energy　and　all　my　skill　to　make　my　knives

fly　aside　when　I　threw　them　to　make　a　border　round　her　neck。　I

have　tried　with　all　my　might　to　make　them　deviate　half　an　inch；

just　enough　to　cut　her　throat。　I　wanted　to；　and　I　have　never

succeeded；　never。　And　always　the　slut's　horrible　laugh　makes　fun

of　me；　always；　always。〃



And　with　a　deluge　of　tears；　with　something　like　a　roar　of

unsatiated　and　muzzled　rage；　he　ground　his　teeth　as　he　wound　up：

〃She　knows　me；　the　jade；　she　is　in　the　secret　of　my　work；　of　my

patience；　of　my　trick；　routine；　whatever　you　may　call　it！　She

lives　in　my　innermost　being；　and　sees　into　it　more　closely　than

you　do；　or　than　I　do　myself。　She　knows　what　a　faultless　machine　I

have　become；　the　machine　of　which　she　makes　fun；　the　machine

which　is　too　well　wound　up；　the　machine　which　cannot　get　out　of

orderand　she　knows　that　I　CANNOT　make　a　mistake。〃







THE　HORLA



MAY　8。　What　a　lovely　day！　I　have　spent　all　the　morning　lying　on

the　grass　in　front　of　my　house；　under　the　enormous　plantain　tree

which　covers　and　shades　and　shelters　the　whole　of　it。　I　like　this

part　of　the　country；　I　am　fond　of　living　here　because　I　am

attached　to　it　by　deep　roots；　the　profound　and　delicate　roots

which　attach　a　man　to　the　soil　on　which　his　ancestors　were　born

and　died；　to　their　traditions；　their　usages；　their　food；　the

local　expressions；　the　peculiar　language　of　the　peasants；　the

smell　of　the　soil；　the　hamlets；　and　to　the　atmosphere　itself。



I　love　the　house　in　which　I　grew　up。　From　my　windows　I　can　see

the　Seine；　which　flows　by　the　side　of　my　garden；　on　the　other

side　of　the　road；　almost　through　my　grounds；　the　great　and　wide

Seine；　which　goes　to　Rouen　and　Havre；　and　which　is　covered　with

boats　passing　to　and　fro。



On　the　left；　down　yonder；　lies　Rouen；　populous　Rouen　with　its

blue　roofs　massing　under　pointed；　Gothic　towers。　Innumerable　are

they；　delicate　or　broad；　dominated　by　the　spire　of　the　cathedral；

full　of　bells　which　sound　through　the　blue　air　on　fine　mornings；

sending　their　sweet　and　distant　iron　clang　to　me；　their　metallic

sounds；　now　stronger　and　now　weaker；　according　as　the　wind　is

strong　or　light。



What　a　delicious　morning　it　was！　About　eleven　o'clock；　a　long

line　of　boats　drawn　by　a　steam…tug；　as　big　a　fly；　and　which

scarcely　puffed　while　emitting　its　thick　smoke；　passed　my　gate。



After　two　English　schooners；　whose　red　flags　fluttered　toward　the

sky；　there　came　a　magnificent　Brazilian　three…master；　it　was

perfectly　white　and　wonderfully　clean　and　shining。　I　saluted　it；

I　hardly　know　why；　except　that　the　sight　of　the　vessel　gave　me

great　pleasure。



May　12。　I　have　had　a　slight　feverish　attack　for　the　last　few

days；　and　I　feel　ill；　or　rather　I　feel　low…spirited。



Whence　come　those　mysterious　influences　which　change　our

happiness　into　discouragement；　and　our　self…confidence　into

diffidence？　One　might　almost　say　that　the　air；　the　invisible　air；

is　full　of　unknowable　Forces；　whose　mysterious　presence　we　have

to　endure。　I　wake　up　in　the　best　of　spirits；　with　an　inclination

to　sing　in　my　heart。　Why？　I　go　down　by　the　side　of　the　water；　and

suddenly；　after　walking　a　short　distance；　I　return　home　wretched；

as　if　some　misfortune　were　awaiting　me　there。　Why？　Is　it　a　cold

shiver　which；　passing　over　my　skin；　has　upset　my　nerves　and　given

me　a　fit　of　low　spirits？　Is　it　the　form　of　the　clouds；　or　the

tints　of　the　sky；　or　the　colors　of　the　surrounding　objects　which

are　so　change…able；　which　have　troubled　my　thoughts　as　they

passed　before　my　eyes？　Who　can　tell？　Everything　that　surrounds

us；　everything　that　we　see　without　looking　at　it；　everything　that

we　touch　without　knowing　it；　everything　that　we　handle　without

feeling　it；　everything　that　we　meet　without　clearly

distinguishing　it；　has　a　rapid；　surprising；　and　inexplicable

effect　upon　us　and　upon　our　organs；　and　through　them　on　our　ideas

and　on　our　being　itself。



How　profound　that　mystery　of　the　Invisible　is！　We　cannot　fathom

it　with　our　miserable　senses：　our　eyes　are　unable　to　perceive

what　is　either　too　small　or　too　great；　too　near　to　or　too　far

from　us；　we　can　see　neither　the　inhabitants　of　a　star　nor　of　a

drop　of　water；　our　ears　deceive　us；　for　they　transmit　to　us　the

vibrations　of　the　air　in　sonorous　notes。　Our　senses　are　fairies

who　work　the　miracle　of　changing　that　movement　into　noise；　and　by

that　metamorphosis　give　birth　to　music；　which　makes　the　mute

agitation　of　nature　a　harmony。　So　with　our　sense　of　smell；　which

is　weaker　than　that　of　a　dog；　and　so　with　our　sense　of　taste；

which　can　scarcely　distinguish　the　age　of　a　wine！



Oh！　If　we　only　had　other　organs　which　could　work　other　miracles

in　our　favor；　what　a　number　of　fresh　things　we　might　discover

around　us！



May　16。　I　am　ill；　decidedly！　I　was　so　well　last　month！　I　am

feverish；　horribly　feverish；　or　rather　I　am　in　a　state　of

feverish　enervation；　which　makes　my　mind　suffer　as　much　as　my

body。　I　have　without　ceasing　the　horrible　sensation　of　some

danger　threatening　me；　the　apprehension　of　some　coming　misfortune

or　of　approaching　death；　a　presentiment　which　is　no　doubt；　an

attack　of　some　illness　still　unnamed；　which　germinates　in　the

flesh　and　in　the　blood。



May　18。　I　have　just　come　from　consulting　my　medical　man；　for　I

can　no　longer　get　any　sleep。　He　found　that　my　pulse　was　high；　my

eyes　dilated；　my　nerves　highly　strung；　but　no　alarming　symptoms。

I　must　have　a　course　of　shower　baths　and　of　bromide　of　potassium。



May　25。　No　change！　My　state　is　really　very　peculiar。　As　the

evening　comes　on；　an　incomprehensible　feeling　of　disquietude

seizes　me；　just　as　if　night　concealed　some　terrible　menace　toward

me。　I　dine　quickly；　and　then　try　to　read；　but　I　do　not　understand

the　words；　and　can　scarcely　distinguish　the　letters。　Then　I　walk

up　and　down　my　drawing…room；　oppressed　by　a　feeling　of　confused

and　irresistible　fear；　a　fear　of　sleep　and　a　fear　of　my　bed。



About　ten　o'clock　I　go　up　to　my　room。　As　soon　as　I　have　entered　I

lock　and　bolt　the　door。　I　am　frightenedof　what？　Up　till　the

present　time　I　have　been　frightened　of　nothing。　I　open　my

cupboards；　and　look　under　my　bed；　I　listenI　listento　what？

How　strange　it　is　that　a　simple　feeling　of　discomfort；　of　impeded

or　heightened　circulation；　perhaps　the　irritation　of　a　nervous

center；　a　slight　congestion；　a　small　disturbance　in　the　imperfect

and　delicate　functions　of　our　living　machinery；　can　turn　the　most

light…hearted　of　men　into　a　melancholy　one；　and　make　a　coward　of

the　bravest？　Then；　I　go　to　bed；　and　I　wait　for　sleep　as　a　man

might　wait　for　the　executioner。　I　wait　for　its　coming　with　dread；

and　my　heart　beats　and　my　legs　tremble；　while　my　whole　body

shivers　beneath　the　warmth　of　the　bedclothes；　until　the　moment

when　I　suddenly　fall　asleep；　as　a　man　throws　himself　into　a　poo