hard cash-第14节

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〃How　can　that　child　answer　such　a　question？〃　sighed　Mrs。　Dodd。　〃Let　us　return　to　the　point。〃

〃I　have　never　strayed　an　inch　from　it。　It's　about　'Young　Physic。'〃

〃No；　excuse　me；　it　is　about　a　young　lady。　Universal　Medicine：　what　have　I　to　do　with　that？〃

〃Now　this　is　the　way　with　them　all；〃　cried　Sampson；　furious；　〃there　lowed　John　Bull。　The　men　and　women　of　this　benighted　nashin　have　an　ear　for　anything；　provided　it　matters　nothing：　talk　Jology；　Conchology；　Entomology；　Theology；　Meteorology；　Astronomy；　Deuteronomy；　Botheronomy；　or　Boshology；　and　one　is　listened　to　with　rivirence；　because　these　are　all　far…off　things　in　fogs；　but　at　a　word　about　the　great；　near；　useful　art　of　Healing；　y'all　stop　your　ears；　for　why？　your　life　and　dailianhourly　happiness　depend　on　it。　But　'no；'　sis　John　Bull；　the　knowledge　of　our　own　buddies；　and　how　to　save　our　own　BakinBeef　I　meanday　by　day；　from　disease　and　chartered　ass…ass…ins；　all　that　may　interest　the　thinkers　in　Saturn；　but　what　the　deevil　is　it　t'　_us？_　Talk　t'　_us_　of　the　hiv'nly　buddies；　not　of　our　own；　babble　o'　comets　an'　meteors　an'　Ethereal　nibulae　（never　mind　the　nibulae　in　our　own　skulls）。　Discourse　t'　us　of　Predistinashin；　Spitzbairgen　seaweed；　the　last　novel；　the　siventh　vile；　of　Chrisehinising　the　Patagonians　on　condition　they　are　not　to　come　here　and　Chrischinise　the　Whitechapelians；　of　the　letter　to　the　_Times_　from　the　tinker　wrecked　at　Timbuctoo；　and　the　dear　Professor's　lecture　on　the　probabeelity　of　snail…shells　in　the　backyard　of　the　moon：　but　don't　ask　us　to　know　ourselvesIjjits！！〃

The　eloquent　speaker；　depressed　by　the　perversity　of　Englishmen　in　giving　their　minds　to　every　part　of　creation　but　their　bodies；　suffered　a　momentary　loss　of　energy；　then　Mrs。　Dodd；　who　had　long　been　watching　lynx…like；　glided　in。　〃Let　us　compound。　You　are　for　curing　all　the　world；　beginning　with　Nobody。　My　ambition　is　to　cure　_my　girl；_　and　leave　mankind　in　peace。　Now；　if　you　will　begin　with　_my　Julia；_　I　will　submit　to　rectify　the　universe　in　its　proper　turn。　Any　time　will　do　to　set　the　human　race　right；　you　own　it　is　in　no　hurry：　but　_my　child's_　case　presses；　so　do　pray　cure　her　for　me。　Or　at　least　tell　me　what　her　Indisposition　is。〃

〃Oh！　What！　didn't　I　tell　you？　Well；　there's　nothing　the　matter　with　her。〃


At　receiving　this　cavalier　reply　for　the　reward　of　all　her　patience；　Mrs。　Dodd　was　so　hurt；　and　so　nearly　angry；　that　she　rose　with　dignity　from　her　seat；　her　cheek　actually　pink；　and　the　water　in　her　eyes。　Sampson　saw　she　was　ruffled；　and　appealed　to　Juliaof　all　people。　〃There　now；　Miss　Julia；〃　said　he；　ruefully；　〃she　is　in　a　rage　because　I　won't　humbug　her。　Poplus　voolt　decipee。　I　tell　you；　ma'am；　it　is　not　a　midical　case。　Give　me　disease　and　I'll　cure　't。　Stop；　I'll　tell　ye　what　do：　let　her　take　and　swallow　the　Barkton　Docks'　prescriptions；　and　Butcher　Best's；　and　canting　Kinyon's；　and　after　those　four　tinkers　there'll　be　plenty　holes　to　mend；　then　send　for　me！〃

Here　was　irony。　Mrs。　Dodd　retorted　by　_finesse。_　She　turned　on　him　with　a　treacherous　smile；　and　said：　〃Never　mind　doctors　and　patients；　it　is　so　long　since　we　met；　I　do　hope　you　will　waive　ceremony；　and　dine　with　me　_en　ami。_〃

He　accepted　with　pleasure；　but　must　return　to　his　inn　first　and　get　rid　of　his　dirty　boots　and　pashints。　And　with　this　he　whipped　out　his　watch；　and　saw　that；　dealing　with　universal　medicine；　he　had　disappointed　more　than　one　sick　individual；　so　shot　out　as　hard　as　he　had　shot　in；　and　left　the　ladies　looking　at　one　another　after　the　phenomenon。

〃Well？〃　said　Julia；　with　a　world　of　meaning。

〃Yes；　dear；〃　replied　Mrs。　Dodd；　〃he　_is_　a　little　eccentric。　I　think　I　will　request　them　to　make　some　addition　to　the　dinner。〃

〃No；　mamma；　if　you　please；　not　to　put　me　off　so　transparently。　If　I　had　interrupted；　and　shouted；　and　behaved　so；　you　would　have　packed　_me_　off　to　bed；　or　somewhere；　directly。〃

〃Don't　say　'packed；'　love。　Dismissed　me　to　bed。〃

〃Ah！〃　cried　Julia；　〃that　privileged　person　is　gone；　and　we　must　all　mind　our　P's　and　Q's　once　more。〃

Mrs。　Dodd；　with　an　air　of　nonchalance；　replied　to　the　effect　that　Dr。　Sampson　was　not　her　offspring；　and　so　she　was　not　bound　to　correct　his　eccentricities。　〃And　I　suppose；〃　said　she；　languidly；　〃we　must　accept　these　extraordinary　people　as　we　find　them。　But　that　is　no　reason　why　_you_　should　say　'P's　and　Q's；'　darling。〃

That　day　her　hospitable　board　was　spread　over　a　trap。　Blessed　with　an　oracle　irrelevantly　fluent；　and　dumb　to　the　point；　she　had　asked　him　to　dinner　with　maternal　address。　He　could　not　be　on　his　guard　eternally；　sooner　or　later；　through　inadvertence；　or　in　a　moment　of　convivial　recklessness；　or　in　a　parenthesis　of　some　grand　Generality；　he　would　cure　her　child：　or；　perhaps；　at　his　rate　of　talking；　would　wear　out　all　his　idle　themes；　down　to　the　very　〃well…being　of　mankind；〃　and　them　Julia's　mysterious　indisposition　would　come　on　the　blank　tapis。　With　these　secret　hopes　she　presided　at　the　feast；　all　grace　and　gentle　amity。　Julia；　too；　sat　down　with　a　little　design；　but　a　very　different　one；　viz。；　of　being　chilly　company；　for　she　disliked　this　new　acquaintance；　and　hated　the　science　of　medicine。

The　unconscious　Object　chatted　away　with　both；　and　cut　their　replies　very　short；　and　did　strange　things：　sent　away　Julia's　chicken；　regardless　of　her　scorn；　and　prescribed　mutton；　called　for　champagne　and　made　her　drink　it　and　pout；　and　thus　excited　Mrs。　Dodd's　hopes　that　he　was　attending　to　the　case　by　degrees。

But　after　dinner；　Julia；　to　escape　medicine　universal　and　particular；　turned　to　her　mother；　and　dilated　on　treachery　of　her　literary　guide；　the　_Criticaster。_　〃It　said　'Odds　and　Ends'　was　a　good　novel　to　read　by　the　seaside。　So　I　thought　then　oh！　how　different　it　must　be　from　most　books；　if　you　can　sit　by　the　glorious　sea　and　even　look　at　it。　So　I　sent　for　it　directly；　and；　would　you　believe；　it　was　an　ignoble　thing；　all　flirtations　and　curates。　The　sea　indeed！　A　pond　would　be　fitter　to　read　it　by；　and　one　with　a　good　many　geese　on。〃

〃Was　ever　such　simplicity！〃　said　Mrs。　Dodd。　〃Why；　my　dear；　that　phrase　about　the　sea　does　not　_mean_　anything。　I　shall　have　you　believing　that　Mr。　So…and…So；　a　novelist；　can　_'wither　fashionable　folly；'_　and　that　_'a　painful　incident'_　to　one　shopkeeper　has　_'thrown　a　gloom'_　over　a　whole　market…town；　and　so　on。　Now…a…days　every　third　phrase　is　of　this　character；　a　starling's　note。　Once；　it　appears；　there　was　an　age　of　gold；　and　then　came　one　of　iron；　and　then　of　brass。　All　these　are　gone；　and　the　age　of　'jargon'　has　succeeded。〃

She　sighed；　and　Sampson　generalised；　he　plunged　from　the　seaside　novel　into　the　sea　of　fiction。　He　rechristened　that　joyous　art　Feckshin；　and　lashed　its　living　professors。　〃You　devour　their　three　volumes　greedily；〃　said　he；　〃but　after　your　meal　you　feel　as　empty　as　a　drum；　there　is　no　leading　idea　in　'um；　now　there　always　isin　Moliere；　and　_he_　comprehended　the　midicine　of　his　age。　But　what　fundamental　truth　d'our　novelists　iver　convey？　All　they　can　do　is　pile　incidents。　Their　customers　dictate　th'　article：　unideaed　melodrams　for　unideaed　girls。　The　writers　and　their　feckshins　belong　to　one　species；　and　that's　'the　non…vertebrated　animals；'　and　their　midicine　is　Bosh；　why；　they　bleed　still　for　falls　and　fevers；　and　niver　mention　vital　chronometry。　Then　they　don't　look　straight　at　Nature；　but　see　with　their　ears；　and　repeat　one　another　twelve　deep。　Now；　listen　me！　there　are　the　cracters　for　an　'ideaed　feckshin'　in　Barkington；　and　I'd　write　it；　too；　only　I　haven't　time。〃

At　this；　Julia；　forgetting　her　resolution；　broke　out；　〃Romantic　characters　in　Barkington？　Who？　who？〃

〃Who　_should_　they　be；　but　my　pashints？　Ay；　ye　may　lauch；　Miss　Julee；　but　wait　till　ye　see　them。〃　He　was　then　seized　with　a　fit　of　candour；　and　admitted　that　some；　even　of　his　pashints；　were　colourless；　indeed；　not　to　mince　the　matter；　six　or　seven　of　that　sacred　band　were　nullity　in　person。　〃I　can　compare　the　beggars　to　nothing；〃　said　he；　〃but　the　globules　of　the　Do…Nothings；　deed　insipid；　and　nothing　in　'em。　But　the　others　make　up。　Man　alive；　I've　got　'a　rosy…cheeked　miser；'　and　an　'ill…used　attorney；'　and　an　'honest　Screw'he　is　a　gardener；　with　a　head　like　a　cart…horse。〃

〃Mamma！　mamma！　that　is　Mr。　Maxley；〃　cried　Julia；　clapping　her　hands；　and　thawing　in　her　own　despite。

〃Then　there's　my　virgin　martyr　and　my　puppy。　They　are　brother　and　sister；　and　there's　their　father；　but　he　is　an　impenetrable　dogwon't　unbosom。　Howiver；　he　sairves　to　draw　chicks　for　the　other　two；　and　so　keep　'em　goen。　By…the…bye；　you　know　my　puppy？〃

〃We　have　not　that　honour。　Do　we　know　Dr。　Sampson's　puppy；　love？〃　inquired　Mrs。　Dodd；　rather　languidly。

〃Mamma！IIknow　no　one　of　that　name。〃

〃Don't　tell　me！　Why　it　was　he　sent　me　here　told　me　where　you　lived；　and　I　was　to　make　haste；　for　Miss　Dodd　was　very　ill：　it　is　young　Hardie；　the　banker's　son；　ye　know。〃

Mrs。　Dodd　said　good…humouredly；　but　with　a　very　slight　touch　of　irony；　that　really　they　were　very　much　flattered　by　the　interest　Mr。　Alfred　Hardie　had　shown；　especially　as　her　daughter　had　never　exchanged　ten　words　with　him。　Julia　coloured　at　this　statement；　the　accuracy　of　which　she　had　good　reason　to　doubt；　and　the　poor　girl　felt　as　if　an　icicle　pa