the book of snobs-第9节

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thousand　pounds；　to　pay　off　my　mortgages。　　Let　your　son

marry　her；　and　she　shall　become　Lady　Blanche　Pump　and

Aldgate。'



Old　Pump　and　Aldgate　clutches　at　the　bargain。　　And　a

comfortable　thing　it　is　to　think　that　birth　can　be　bought

for　money。　　So　you　learn　to　value　it。　　Why　should　we；　who

don't　possess　it；　set　a　higher　store　on　it　than　those　who

do？　　Perhaps　the　best　use　of　that　book；　the　'Peerage；'　is

to　look　down　the　list；　and　see　how　many　have　bought　and

sold　birth；how　poor　sprigs　of　nobility　somehow　sell

themselves　to　rich　City　Snobs'　daughters；　how　rich　City

Snobs　purchase　noble　ladiesand　so　to　admire　the　double

baseness　of　the　bargain。



Old　Pump　and　Aldgate　buys　the　article　and　pays　the　money。

The　sale　of　the　girl's　person　is　blessed　by　a　Bishop　at

St。　George's；　Hanover　Square；　and　next　year　you　read；　'At

Roehampton；　on　Saturday；　the　Lady　Blanche　Pump；　of　a　son

and　heir。



After　this　interesting　event；　some　old　acquaintance；　who

saw　young　Pump　in　the　parlour　at　the　bank　in　the　City；

said　to　him；　familiarly；　'How's　your　wife；　Pump；　my　boy？'



Mr。　Pump　looked　exceedingly　puzzled　and　disgusted；　and；

after　a　pause；　said；　'LADY　BLANCHE　PUMP'　is　pretty　well；

I　thank　you。'



'OH；　I　THOUGHT　SHE　WAS　YOUR　WIFE！'　said　the　familiar

brute；　Snooks；　wishing　him　good…bye；　and　ten　minutes

after；　the　story　was　all　over　the　Stock　Exchange；　where

it　is　told；　when　young　Pump　appears；　to　this　very　day。



We　can　imagine　the　weary　life　this　poor　Pump；　this　martyr

to　Mammon；　is　compelled　to　undergo。　　Fancy　the　domestic

enjoyments　of　a　man　who　has　a　wife　who　scorns　him；　who

cannot　see　his　own　friends　in　his　own　house；　who　having

deserted　the　middle　rank　of　life；　is　not　yet　admitted　to

the　higher；　but　who　is　resigned　to　rebuffs　and　delay　and

humiliation；　contented　to　think　that　his　son　will　be　more

fortunate。



It　used　to　be　the　custom　of　some　very　old…fashioned　clubs

in　this　city；　when　a　gentleman　asked　for　change　a　guinea；

always　to　bring　it　to　him　in　WASHED　SILVER：　that　which

had　passed　immediately　out　of　the　hands　of　vulgar　being

considered　'as　too　coarse　to　soil　a　gentleman's　fingers。'

So；　when　the　City　Snob's　money　has　been　washed　during　a

generation　or　so；　has　been　washed　into　estates；　and

woods；　and　castles；　and　town…mansions；　it　is　allowed　to

pass　current　as　real　aristocratic　coin。　　Old　Pump　sweeps

a　shop；　runs　of　messages；　becomes　a　confidential　clerk

and　partner。　　Pump　the　Second　becomes　chief　of　the　house；

spins　more　and　more　money；　marries　his　son　to　an　Earl's

daughter。　　Pump　Tertius　goes　on　with　the　bank；　but　his

chief　business　in　life　is　to　become　the　father　of　Pump

Quartus；　who　comes　out　a　full…blown　aristocrat；　and　takes

his　seat　as　Baron　Pumpington；　and　his　race　rules

hereditarily　over　this　nation　of　Snobs。







CHAPTER　IX



ON　SOME　MILITARY　SNOBS



As　no　society　in　the　world　is　more　agreeable　than　that　of

well…bred　and　well…informed　military　gentlemen；　so；

likewise；　none　is　more　insufferable　than　that　of　Military

Snobs。　　They　are　to　be　found　of　all　grades；　from　the

General　Officer；　whose　padded　old　breast　twinkles　over

with　a　score　of　stars；　clasps；　and　decorations；　to　the

budding　cornet；　who　is　shaving　for　a　beard；　and　has　just

been　appointed　to　the　Saxe…Coburg　Lancers。



I　have　always　admired　that　dispensation　of　rank　in　our

country；　which　sets　up　this　last…named　little　creature

（who　was　flogged　only　last　week　because　he　could　not

spell）　to　command　great　whiskered　warriors；　who　have

faced　all　dangers　of　climate　and　battle；　which；　because

he　has　money；　to　lodge　at　the　agent's；　will　place　him

over　the　heads　of　men　who　have　a　thousand　times　more

experience　and　desert：　and　which；　in　the　course　of　time；

will　bring　him　all　the　honours　of　his　profession；　when

the　veteran　soldier　he　commanded　has　got　no　other　reward

for　his　bravery　than　a　berth　in　Chelsea　Hospital；　and　the

veteran　officer　he　superseded　has　slunk　into　shabby

retirement；　and　ends　his　disappointed　life　on　a

threadbare　half…pay。



When　I　read　in　the　GAZETTE　such　announcements　as

'Lieutenant　and　Captain　Grig；　from　the　Bombardier　Guards；

to　be　Captain；　vice　Grizzle；　who　retires；'　I　know　what

becomes　of　the　Peninsular　Grizzle；　I　follow　him　in　spirit

to　the　humble　country　town；　where　he　takes　up　his

quarters；　and　occupies　himself　with　the　most　desperate

attempts　to　live　like　a　gentleman；　on　the　stipend　of　half

a　tailor's　foreman；　and　I　picture　to　myself　little　Grig

rising　from　rank　to　rank；　skipping　from　one　regiment　to

another；　with　an　increased　grade　in　each；　avoiding

disagreeable　foreign　service；　and　ranking　as　a　colonel　at

thirty；all　because　he　has　money；　and　Lord　Grigsby　is

his　father；　who　had　the　same　luck　before　him。　　Grig　must

blush　at　first　to　give　his　orders　to　old　men　in　every　way

his　betters。　　And　as　it　is　very　difficult　for　a　spoiled

child　to　escape　being　selfish　and　arrogant；　so　it　is　a

very　hard　task　indeed　for　this　spoiled　child　of　fortune

not　to　be　a　Snob。



It　must　have　often　been　a　matter　of　wonder　to　the　candid

reader；　that　the　army；　the　most　enormous　job　of　all　our

political　institutions；　should　yet　work　so　well　in　the

field；　and　we　must　cheerfully　give　Grig；　and　his　like；

the　credit　for　courage　which　they　display　whenever

occasion　calls　for　it。　　The　Duke's　dandy　regiments　fought

as　well　as　any　（they　said　better　than　any；　but　that　is

absurd）。　　The　great　Duke　himself　was　a　dandy　once；　and

jobbed　on；　as　Marlborough　did　before　him。　　But　this　only

proves　that　dandies　are　brave　as　well　as　other　Britons

as　all　Britons。　　Let　us　concede　that　the　high…born　Grig

rode　into　the　entrenchments　at　Sobraon　as　gallantly　as

Corporal　Wallop；　the　ex…ploughboy。



The　times　of　war　are　more　favourable　to　him　than　the

periods　of　peace。　　Think　of　Grig's　life　in　the　Bombardier

Guards；　or　the　Jack…boot　Guards；　his　marches　from　Windsor

to　London；　from　London　to　Windsor；　from　Knightsbridge　to

Regent's　Park；　the　idiotic　services　he　has　to　perform；

which　consist　in　inspecting　the　pipeclay　of　his　company；

or　the　horses　in　the　stable；　or　bellowing　out　'Shoulder

humps！　　Carry　humps！'　all　which　duties　the　very　smallest

intellect　that　ever　belonged　to　mortal　man　would　suffice

to　comprehend。　　The　professional　duties　of　a　footman　are

quite　as　difficult　and　various。　　The　red…jackets　who　hold

gentlemen's　horses　in　St。　James's　Street　could　do　the

work　just　as　well　as　those　vacuous；　good…natured；

gentlemanlike；　rickety　little　lieutenants；　who　may　be

seen　sauntering　about　Pall　Mall；　in　high…heeled　little

boots；　or　rallying　round　the　standard　of　their　regiment

in　the　Palace　Court；　at　eleven　o'clock；　when　the　band

plays。　　Did　the　beloved　reader　ever　see　one　of　the　young

fellows　staggering　under　the　flag；　or；　above　all；　going

through　the　operation　of　saluting　it？　　It　is　worth　a　walk

to　the　Palace　to　witness　that　magnificent　piece　of

tomfoolery。



I　have　had　the　honour　of　meeting　once　or　twice　an　old

gentleman；　whom　I　look　upon　to　be　a　specimen　of　army…

training；　and　who　has　served　in　crack　regiments；　or

commanded　them；　all　his　life。　　I　allude　to　Lieutenant…

General　the　Honourable　Sir　George　Granby　Tufto；　K。C。B。；

K。T。S。；　K。H。；　K。S。W。；　&c。　&c。。　　His　manners　are

irreproachable　generally；　in　society　he　is　a　perfect

gentleman；　and　a　most　thorough　Snob。



A　man　can't　help　being　a　fool；　be　he　ever　so　old；　and　Sir

George　is　a　greater　ass　at　sixty…eight　than　he　was　when

he　first　entered　the　army　at　fifteen。　　He　distinguished

himself　everywhere：　his　name　is　mentioned　with　praise　in

a　score　of　Gazettes：　he　is　the　man；　in　fact；　whose　padded

breast；　twinkling　over　with　innumerable　decorations；　has

already　been　introduced　to　the　reader。　　It　is　difficult

to　say　what　virtues　this　prosperous　gentleman　possesses。

He　never　read　a　book　in　his　life；　and；　with　his　purple；

old　gouty　fingers；　still　writes　a　schoolboy　hand。　　He　has

reached　old　age　and　grey　hairs　without　being　the　least

venerable。　　He　dresses　like　an　outrageously　young　man　to

the　present　moment；　and　laces　and　pads　his　old　carcass　as

if　he　were　still　handsome　George　Tufto　of　1800。　　He　is

selfish；　brutal；　passionate；　and　a　glutton。　　It　is

curious　to　mark　him　at　table；　and　see　him　heaving　in　his

waistband；　his　little　bloodshot　eyes　goating　over　his

meal。　　He　swears　considerably　in　his　talk；　and　tells

filthy　garrison　stories　after　dinner。　　On　account　of　his

rank　and　his　services；　people　pay　the　bestarred　and

betitled　old　brute　a　sort　of　reverence；　and　he　looks　down

upon　you　and　me；　and　exhibits　his　contempt　for　us；　with　a

stupid　and　artless　candour　which　is　quite　amusing　to

watch。　　Perhaps；　had　he　been　bred　to　another　profession；

he　would　not　have　been　the　disreputable　old　creature　he

now　is。　　But　what　other？　　He　was　fit　for　none；　too

incorrigibly　idle　and　dull　for　any　trade　but　this；　in

which　he　has　distinguished　himself　publicly　as　a　good　and

g