the book of snobs-第8节

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she　takes　up　as　much　room　as　an　elephant：　besides　I

wouldn't　have　her；　and　that　was　flat。



'I　thought　my　answer　was　a　settler　to　her：　but　the　next

day　she　comes　weeping　to　my　arms〃Dear　Lady

Clapperclaw；〃　says　she；　〃it's　not　for　ME；　I　ask　it　for　my

blessed　Blanche！　a　young　creature　in　her　first　season；

and　not　at　your　ball！　　My　tender　child　will　pine　and　die

of　vexation。　　I　don't　want　to　come。　　I　will　stay　at　home

to　nurse　Sir　Alured　in　the　gout。　　Mrs。　Bolster　is　going；

I　know；　she　will　be　Blanche's　chaperon。〃



'〃You　wouldn't　subscribe　for　the　Rathdrum　blanket　and

potato　fund；　you；　who　come　out　of　the　parish；〃　says　I；

〃and　whose　grandfather；　honest　man；　kept　cows　there。〃



'〃Will　twenty　guineas　be　enough；　dearest　Lady

Clapperclaw？〃



'〃Twenty　guineas　is　sufficient；〃　says　I；　and　she　paid

them；　so　I　said；　〃Blanche　may　come；　but　not　you；　mind：〃

and　she　left　me　with　a　world　of　thanks。



'Would　you　believe　it？when　my　ball　came；　the　horrid

woman　made　her　appearance　with　her　daughter！



〃Didn't　I　tell　you　not　to　come？〃　said　I；　in　a　mighty

passion。　　〃What　would　the　world　have　said？〃　cries　my　Lady

Muggins：　〃my　carriage　is　gone　for　Sir　Alured　to　the　Club；

let　me　stay　only　ten　minutes；　dearest　Lady　Clapperclaw〃



'〃Well　as　you　are　here；　madam；　you　may　stay　and　get　your

supper；〃　I　answered；　and　so　left　her；　and　never　spoke　a

word　more　to　her　all　night。



'And　now；'　screamed　out　old　Lady　Clapperclaw；　clapping

her　hands；　and　speaking　with　more　brogue　than　ever；　'what

do　you　think；　after　all　my　kindness　to　her；　the　wicked；

vulgar；　odious；　impudent　upstart　of　s　cowboy's

granddaughter；　has　done？she　cut　me　yesterday　in　Hy'

Park；　and　hasn't　sent　me　a　ticket　for　her　ball　to…night；

though　they　say　Prince　George　is　to　be　there。'



Yes；　such　is　the　fact。　　In　the　race　of　fashion　the

resolute　and　active　De　Mogyns　has　passed　the　poor　old

Clapperclaw。　　Her　progress　in　gentility　may　be　traced　by

the　sets　of　friends　whom　she　has　courted；　and　made；　and

cut；　and　left　behind　her。　　She　has　struggled　so　gallantly

for　polite　reputation　that　she　has　won　it：　pitilessly

kicking　down　the　ladder　as　she　advanced　degree　by　degree。



Irish　relations　were　first　sacrificed；　she　made　her

father　dine　in　the　steward's　room；　to　his　perfect

contentment：　and　would　send　Sir　Alured　thither　like…wise

but　that　he　is　a　peg　on　which　she　hopes　to　hang　her

future　honours；　and　is；　after　all；　paymaster　of　her

daughter's　fortunes。　　He　is　meek　and　content。　　He　has

been　so　long　a　gentleman　that　he　is　used　to　it；　and　acts

the　part　of　governor　very　well。　　In　the　day…time　he　goes

from　the　'Union'　to　'Arthur's；'　and　from　'Arthur's'　to

the　'Union。'　　He　is　a　dead　hand　at　piquet；　and　loses　a

very　comfortable　maintenance　to　some　young　fellows；　at

whist；　at　the　'Travellers'。'



His　son　has　taken　his　father's　seat　in　Parliament；　and

has　of　course　joined　Young　England。　　He　is　the　only　man

in　the　country　who　believes　in　the　De　Mogynses；　and　sighs

for　the　days　when　a　De　Mogyns　led　the　van　of　battle。　　He

has　written　a　little　volume　of　spoony　puny　poems。　　He

wears　a　lock　of　the　hair　of　Laud；　the　Confessor　and

Martyr；　and　fainted　when　he　kissed　the　Pope's　toe　at

Rome。　　He　sleeps　in　white　kid…gloves；　and　commits

dangerous　excesses　upon　green　tea。







CHAPTER　VIII



GREAT　CITY　SNOBS



There　is　no　disguising　the　fact　that　this　series　of

papers　is　making　a　prodigious　sensation　among　all　classes

in　this　Empire。　　Notes　of　admiration　（！）；　of

interrogation　（？）；　of　remonstrance；　approval；　or　abuse；

come　pouring　into　MR。　PUNCH'S　box。　　We　have　been　called

to　task　for　betraying　the　secrets　of　three　different

families　of　De　Mogyns；　no　less　than　four　Lady　Scrapers

have　been　discovered；　and　young　gentlemen　are　quite　shy

of　ordering　half…a…pint　of　port　and　simpering　over　the

QUARTERLY　REVIEW　at　the　Club；　lest　they　should　be

mistaken　for　Sydney　Scraper；　Esq。　　'What　CAN　be　your

antipathy　to　Baker　Street？'　asks　some　fair　remonstrant；

evidently　writing　from　that　quarter。



'Why　only　attack　the　aristocratic　Snobs？'　says　one

'estimable　correspondent：　'are　not　the　snobbish　Snobs　to

have　their　turn？''Pitch　into　the　University　Snobs！'

writes　an　indignant　gentleman　（who　spelt　ELEGANT　with　two

I's）'Show　up　the　Clerical　Snob；'　suggests　another。

'Being　at　〃Meurice's　Hotel；〃　Paris；　some　time　since；'

some　wag　hints；　'I　saw　Lord　B。　leaning　out　of　the　window

with　his　boots　in　his　hand；　and　bawling　out　〃GARCON；

CIREZ…MOI　CES　BOTTES。〃　　Oughtn't　he　to　be　brought　in

among　the　Snobs？'



No；　far　from　it。　　If　his　lordship's　boots　are　dirty；　it

is　because　he　is　Lord　B。；　and　walks。　　There　is　nothing

snobbish　in　having　only　one　pair　of　boots；　or　a　favourite

pair；　and　certainly　nothing　snobbish　in　desiring　to　have

them　cleaned。　　Lord　B。；　in　so　doing；　performed　a

perfectly　natural　and　gentlemanlike　action；　for　which　I

am　so　pleased　with　him　that　I　have　had　him　designed　in　a

favourable　and　elegant　attitude；　and　put　at　the　head　of

this　Chapter　in　the　place　of　honour。　　No；　we　are　not

personal　in　these　candid　remarks。　　As　Phidias　took　the

pick　of　a　score　of　beauties　before　he　completed　a　Venus；

so　have　we　to　examine；　perhaps；　a　thousand　Snobs；　before

one　is　expressed　upon　paper。



Great　City　Snobs　are　the　next　in　the　hierarchy；　and　ought

to　be　considered。　　But　here　is　a　difficulty。　　The　great

City　Snob　is　commonly　most　difficult　of　access。　　Unless

you　are　a　capitalist；　you　cannot　visit　him　in　the

recesses　of　his　bank　parlour　in　Lombard　Street。　　Unless

you　are　a　sprig　of　nobility　there　is　little　hope　of

seeing　him　at　home。　　In　a　great　City　Snob　firm　there　is

generally　one　partner　whose　name　is　down　for　charities；

and　who　frequents　Exeter　Hall；　you　may　catch　a　glimpse　of

another　（a　scientific　City　Snob）　at　my　Lord　N's

SOIREES；　or　the　lectures　of　the　London　Institution；　of　a

third　（a　City　Snob　of　taste）　at　picture…auctions；　at

private　views　of　exhibitions；　or　at　the　Opera　or　the

Philharmonic。　　But　intimacy　is　impossible；　in　most　cases；

with　this　grave；　pompous；　and　awful　being。



A　mere　gentleman　may　hope　to　sit　at　almost　anybody's

tableto　take　his　place　at　my　lord　duke's　in　the

countryto　dance　a　quadrille　at　Buckingham　Palace

itself（beloved　Lady　Wilhelmina　Wagglewiggle！　do　you

recollect　the　sensation　we　made　at　the　ball　of　our　late

adored　Sovereign　Queen　Caroline；　at　Brandenburg　House；

Hammersmith？）　but　the　City　Snob's　doors　are；　for　the　most

part；　closed　to　him；　and　hence　all　that　one　knows　of　this

great　class　is　mostly　from　hearsay。



In　other　countries　of　Europe；　the　Banking　Snob　is　more

expansive　and　communicative　than　with　us；　and　receives

all　the　world　into　his　circle。　　For　instance；　everybody

knows　the　princely　hospitalities　of　the　Scharlaschild

family　at　Paris；　Naples；　Frankfort；　&c。。　　They　entertain

all　the　world；　even　the　poor；　at　their　FETES。　　Prince

Polonia；　at　Rome；　and　his　brother；　the　Duke　of　Strachino；

are　also　remarkable　for　their　hospitalities。　　I　like　the

spirit　of　the　first…named　nobleman。　　Titles　not　costing

much　in　the　Roman　territory；　he　has　had　the　head　clerk　of

the　banking…house　made　a　Marquis；　and　his　Lordship　will

screw　a　BAJOCCO　out　of　you　in　exchange　as　dexterously　as

any　commoner　could　do。　　It　is　a　comfort　to　be　able　to

gratify　such　grandees　with　a　farthing　or　two；　it　makes

the　poorest　man　feel　that　he　can　do　good。　　'The　Polonias

have　intermarried　with　the　greatest　and　most　ancient

families　of　Rome；　and　you　see　their　heraldic　cognizance

（a　mushroom　or　on　an　azure　field）　quartered　in　a　hundred

places　in　the　city　with　the　arms　of　the　Colonnas　and

Dorias。



City　Snobs　have　the　same　mania　for　aristocratic

marriages。　　I　like　to　see　such。　　I　am　of　a　savage　and

envious　nature；I　like　to　see　these　two　humbugs　which；

dividing；　as　they　do；　the　social　empire　of　this　kingdom

between　them；　hate　each　other　naturally；　making　truce　and

uniting；　for　the　sordid　interests　of　either。　　I　like　to

see　an　old　aristocrat；　swelling　with　pride　of　race；　the

descendant　of　illustrious　Norman　robbers；　whose　blood　has

been　pure　for　centuries；　and　who　looks　down　upon　common

Englishmen　as　a　free　American　does　on　a　nigger；I　like

to　see　old　Stiffneck　obliged　to　bow　down　his　head　and

swallow　his　infernal　pride；　and　drink　the　cup　of

humiliation　poured　out　by　Pump　and　Aldgate's　butler。

'Pump　and　Aldgate；　says　he；　'your　grandfather　was　a

bricklayer；　and　his　hod　is　still　kept　in　the　bank。　　Your

pedigree　begins　in　a　workhouse；　mine　can　be　dated　from

all　the　royal　palaces　of　Europe。　　I　came　over　with　the

Conqueror；　I　am　own　cousin　to　Charles　Martel；　Orlando

Furioso；　Philip　Augustus；　Peter　the　Cruel；　and　Frederick

Barbarossa。　　I　quarter　the　Royal　Arms　of　Brentford　in　my

coat。　　I　despise　you；　but　I　want　money；　and　I　will　sell

you　my　beloved　daughter；　Blanche　Stiffneck；　for　a　hundred

thousand　pounds；　to　pay　off　my　mortgages。　　Let　your　son

marry　h