the book of snobs-第6节
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页,按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页,按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部!
————未阅读完?加入书签已便下次继续阅读!
Buckram a single dinner; but he knew there was always
pardon for him for extravagance in such a cause; and a
ten…pound note always came to him from home when he
mentioned Buckram's name in a letter。 What wild visions
entered the brains of Mrs。 Podge and Miss Podge; the wife
and daughter of the Principal of Lord Buckram's College;
I don't know; but that reverend old gentleman was too
profound a flunkey by nature ever for one minute to think
that a child of his could marry a nobleman。 He therefore
hastened on his daughter's union with Professer Crab。
When Lord Buckram; after taking his honorary degree; (for
Alma Mater is a Snob; too; and truckles to a Lord like
the rest;)when Lord Buckram went abread to finish his
education; you all know what dangers he ran; and what
numbers of caps were set at him。 Lady Leach and her
daughters followed him from Paris to Rome; and from Rome
to Baden…Baden; Miss Leggitt burst into tears before his
face when he announced his determination to quit Naples;
and fainted on the neck of her mamma: Captain Macdragon;
of Macdragonstown; County Tipperary; called upon him to
'explene his intintions with respect to his sisther; Miss
Amalia Macdragon; of Macdragonstown;' and proposed to
shoot him unless he married that spotless and beautiful
young creature; who was afterwards led to the altar by
Mr。 Muff; at Cheltenham。 If perseverance and forty
thousand pounds down could have tempted him; Miss Lydia
Croesus would certainly have been Lady Buckram。 Count
Towrowski was glad to take her with half the meney; as
all the genteel world knows。
And now; perhaps; the reader is anxious to know what sort
of a man this is who wounded so many ladies' hearts; and
who has been such a prodigious favourite with men。 If we
were to describe him it would be personal。 Besides; it
really does not matter in the least what sort of a man he
is; or what his personal qualities are。
Suppose he is a young nobleman of a literary turn; and
that he published poems ever so foolish and feeble; the
Snobs would purchase thousands of his volumes: the
publishers (who refused my Passion…Flowers; and my grand
Epic at any price) would give him his own。 Suppose he is
a nobleman of a jovial turn; and has a fancy for
wrenching off knockers; frequenting ginshops; and half
murdering policemen: the public will sympathize good…
naturedly with his amusements; and say he is a hearty;
honest fellow。 Suppose he is fond of play and the turf;
and has a fancy to be a blackleg; and occasionally
condescends to pluck a pigeon at cards; the public will
pardon him; and many honest people will court him; as
they would court a housebreaker if he happened to be a
Lord。 Suppose he is an idiot; yet; by the glorious
constitution; he is good enough to govern US。 Suppose he
is an honest; highminded gentleman; so much the better
for himself。 But he may be an ass; and yet respected; or
a ruffian; and yet be exceedingly popular; or a rogue;
and yet excuses will be found for him。 Snobs will still
worship him。 Male Snobs will do him honour; and females
look kindly upon him; however hideous he may be。
CHAPTER VI
ON SOME RESPECTABLE SNOBS
Having received a great deal of obloquy for dragging
monarchs; princes; and the respected nobility into the
Snob category; I trust to please everybody in the present
chapter; by stating my firm opinion that it is among the
RESPECTABLE classes of this vast and happy empire that
the greatest profusion of Snobs is to be found。 I pace
down my beloved Baker Street; (I am engaged on a life of
Baker; founder of this celebrated street;) I walk in
Harley Street (where every other house has a hatchment);
Wimpole Street; that is as cheerful as the Catacombsa
dingy Mausoleum of the genteel:I rove round Regent's
Park; where the plaster is patching off the house walls;
where Methodist preachers are holding forth to three
little children in the green inclosures; and puffy
valetudinarians are cantering in the solitary mud:I
thread the doubtful ZIG…ZAGS of May Fair; where Mrs。
Kitty Lorimer's Brougham may be seen drawn up next door
to old Lady Lollipop's belozenged family coach;I roam
through Belgravia; that pale and polite district; where
all the inhabitants look prim and correct; and the
mansions are painted a faint whity…brown: I lose myself
in the new squares and terraces of the brilliant bran…new
Bayswater…and…Tyburn…Junction line; and in one and all of
these districts the same truth comes across me。 I stop
before any house at hazard; and say; 'O house; you are
inhabitedO knocker; you are knocked atO undressed
flunkey; sunning your lazy calves as you lean against the
iron railings; you are paidby Snobs。' It is a
tremendous thought that; and it is almost sufficient to
drive a benevolent mind to madness to think that perhaps
there is not one in ten of those houses where the
'Peerage' does not lie on the drawing…room table。
Considering the harm that foolish lying book does; I
would have all the copies of it burned; as the barber
burned all Quixote's books of humbugging chivalry。
Look at this grand house in the middle of the square。
The Earl of Loughcorrib lives there: he has fifty
thousand a year。 A DEJEUNER DANSANT given at his house
last week cost; who knows how much? The mere flowers for
the room and bouquets for the ladies cost four hundred
pounds。 That man in drab trousers; coming crying down
the stops; is a dun: Lord Loughcorrib has ruined him; and
won't see him: that is his lordship peeping through the
blind of his study at him now。 Go thy ways; Loughcorrib;
thou art a Snob; a heartless pretender; a hypocrite of
hospitality; a rogue who passes forged notes upon
society;but I am growing too eloquent。
You see that nice house; No。 23; where a butcher's boy is
ringing the area…bell。 He has three muttonchops in his
tray。 They are for the dinner of a very different and
very respectable family; for Lady Susan Scraper; and her
daughters; Miss Scraper and Miss Emily Scraper。 The
domestics; luckily for them; are on board wagestwo huge
footmen in light blue and canary; a fat steady coachman
who is a Methodist; and a butler who would never have
stayed in the family but that he was orderly to General
Scraper when the General distinguished himself at
Walcheren。 His widow sent his portrait to the United
Service Club; and it is hung up in one of the back
dressing…closets there。 He is represented at a parlour
window with red curtains; in the distance is a whirlwind;
in which cannon are firing off; and he is pointing to a
chart; on which are written the words 'Walcheren;
Tobago。'
Lady Susan is; as everybody knows by referring to the
'British Bible;' a daughter of the great and good Earl
Bagwig before mentioned。 She thinks everything belonging
to her the greatest and best in the world。 The first of
men naturally are the Buckrams; her own race: then follow
in rank the Scrapers。 The General was the greatest
general: his eldest son; Scraper Buckram Scraper; is at
present the greatest and best; his second son the next
greatest and best; and herself the paragon of women。
Indeed; she is a most respectable and honourable lady。
She goes to church of course: she would fancy the Church
in danger if she did not。 She subscribes to Church and
parish charities; and is a directress of meritorious
charitable institutionsof Queen Charlotte's Lying…in
Hospital; the Washerwomen's Asylum; the British Drummers'
Daughters' Home; &c。。 She is a model of a matron。
The tradesman never lived who could say that he was not
paid on the quarter…day。 The beggars of her
neighbourhood avoid her like a pestilence; for while she
walks out; protected by John; that domestic has always
two or three mendicity tickets ready for deserving
objects。 Ten guineas a year will pay all her charities。
There is no respectable lady in all London who gets her
name more often printed for such a sum of money。
Those three mutton…chops which you see entering at the
kitchen…door will be served on the family…plate at seven
o'clock this evening; the huge footman being present; and
the butler in black; and the crest and coat…of…arms of
the Scrapers blazing everywhere。 I pity Miss Emily
Scrapershe is still youngyoung and hungry。 Is it a
fact that she spends her pocket…money in buns? Malicious
tongues say so; but she has very little to spare for
buns; the poor little hungry soul! For the fact is; that
when the footmen; and the ladies' maids; and the fat
coach…horses; which are jobbed; and the six dinner…
parties in the season; and the two great solemn evening…
parties; and the rent of the big house; and the journey
to an English or foreign watering…place for the autumn;
are paid; my lady's income has dwindled away to a very
small sum; and she is as poor as you or I。
You