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Buckram a single dinner; but he knew there was always

pardon for him for extravagance in such a cause; and a

ten…pound note always came to him from home when he

mentioned Buckram's name in a letter。  What wild visions

entered the brains of Mrs。 Podge and Miss Podge; the wife

and daughter of the Principal of Lord Buckram's College;

I don't know; but that reverend old gentleman was too

profound a flunkey by nature ever for one minute to think

that a child of his could marry a nobleman。  He therefore

hastened on his daughter's union with Professer Crab。



When Lord Buckram; after taking his honorary degree; (for

Alma Mater is a Snob; too; and truckles to a Lord like

the rest;)when Lord Buckram went abread to finish his

education; you all know what dangers he ran; and what

numbers of caps were set at him。  Lady Leach and her

daughters followed him from Paris to Rome; and from Rome

to Baden…Baden; Miss Leggitt burst into tears before his

face when he announced his determination to quit Naples;

and fainted on the neck of her mamma: Captain Macdragon;

of Macdragonstown; County Tipperary; called upon him to

'explene his intintions with respect to his sisther; Miss

Amalia Macdragon; of Macdragonstown;' and proposed to

shoot him unless he married that spotless and beautiful

young creature; who was afterwards led to the altar by

Mr。 Muff; at Cheltenham。  If perseverance and forty

thousand pounds down could have tempted him; Miss Lydia

Croesus would certainly have been Lady Buckram。  Count

Towrowski was glad to take her with half the meney; as

all the genteel world knows。



And now; perhaps; the reader is anxious to know what sort

of a man this is who wounded so many ladies' hearts; and

who has been such a prodigious favourite with men。  If we

were to describe him it would be personal。  Besides; it

really does not matter in the least what sort of a man he

is; or what his personal qualities are。



Suppose he is a young nobleman of a literary turn; and

that he published poems ever so foolish and feeble; the

Snobs would purchase thousands of his volumes: the

publishers (who refused my Passion…Flowers; and my grand

Epic at any price) would give him his own。  Suppose he is

a nobleman of a jovial turn; and has a fancy for

wrenching off knockers; frequenting ginshops; and half

murdering policemen: the public will sympathize good…

naturedly with his amusements; and say he is a hearty;

honest fellow。  Suppose he is fond of play and the turf;

and has a fancy to be a blackleg; and occasionally

condescends to pluck a pigeon at cards; the public will

pardon him; and many honest people will court him; as

they would court a housebreaker if he happened to be a

Lord。  Suppose he is an idiot; yet; by the glorious

constitution; he is good enough to govern US。  Suppose he

is an honest; highminded gentleman; so much the better

for himself。  But he may be an ass; and yet respected; or

a ruffian; and yet be exceedingly popular; or a rogue;

and yet excuses will be found for him。  Snobs will still

worship him。  Male Snobs will do him honour; and females


look kindly upon him; however hideous he may be。







CHAPTER VI



ON SOME RESPECTABLE SNOBS



Having received a great deal of obloquy for dragging

monarchs; princes; and the respected nobility into the

Snob category; I trust to please everybody in the present

chapter; by stating my firm opinion that it is among the

RESPECTABLE classes of this vast and happy empire that

the greatest profusion of Snobs is to be found。  I pace

down my beloved Baker Street; (I am engaged on a life of

Baker; founder of this celebrated street;) I walk in

Harley Street (where every other house has a hatchment);

Wimpole Street; that is as cheerful as the Catacombsa

dingy Mausoleum of the genteel:I rove round Regent's

Park; where the plaster is patching off the house walls;

where Methodist preachers are holding forth to three

little children in the green inclosures; and puffy

valetudinarians are cantering in the solitary mud:I

thread the doubtful ZIG…ZAGS of May Fair; where Mrs。

Kitty Lorimer's Brougham may be seen drawn up next door

to old Lady Lollipop's belozenged family coach;I roam

through Belgravia; that pale and polite district; where

all the inhabitants look prim and correct; and the

mansions are painted a faint whity…brown: I lose myself

in the new squares and terraces of the brilliant bran…new

Bayswater…and…Tyburn…Junction line; and in one and all of

these districts the same truth comes across me。  I stop

before any house at hazard; and say; 'O house; you are

inhabitedO knocker; you are knocked atO undressed

flunkey; sunning your lazy calves as you lean against the

iron railings; you are paidby Snobs。'  It is a

tremendous thought that; and it is almost sufficient to

drive a benevolent mind to madness to think that perhaps

there is not one in ten of those houses where the

'Peerage' does not lie on the drawing…room table。

Considering the harm that foolish lying book does; I

would have all the copies of it burned; as the barber

burned all Quixote's books of humbugging chivalry。



Look at this grand house in the middle of the square。

The Earl of Loughcorrib lives there: he has fifty

thousand a year。  A DEJEUNER DANSANT given at his house

last week cost; who knows how much?  The mere flowers for

the room and bouquets for the ladies cost four hundred

pounds。  That man in drab trousers; coming crying down

the stops; is a dun: Lord Loughcorrib has ruined him; and

won't see him: that is his lordship peeping through the

blind of his study at him now。  Go thy ways; Loughcorrib;

thou art a Snob; a heartless pretender; a hypocrite of

hospitality; a rogue who passes forged notes upon

society;but I am growing too eloquent。



You see that nice house; No。 23; where a butcher's boy is

ringing the area…bell。  He has three muttonchops in his

tray。  They are for the dinner of a very different and

very respectable family; for Lady Susan Scraper; and her

daughters; Miss Scraper and Miss Emily Scraper。  The

domestics; luckily for them; are on board wagestwo huge

footmen in light blue and canary; a fat steady coachman

who is a Methodist; and a butler who would never have

stayed in the family but that he was orderly to General

Scraper when the General distinguished himself at

Walcheren。  His widow sent his portrait to the United

Service Club; and it is hung up in one of the back

dressing…closets there。  He is represented at a parlour

window with red curtains; in the distance is a whirlwind;

in which cannon are firing off; and he is pointing to a

chart; on which are written the words 'Walcheren;

Tobago。'



Lady Susan is; as everybody knows by referring to the

'British Bible;' a daughter of the great and good Earl

Bagwig before mentioned。  She thinks everything belonging

to her the greatest and best in the world。  The first of

men naturally are the Buckrams; her own race: then follow

in rank the Scrapers。  The General was the greatest

general: his eldest son; Scraper Buckram Scraper; is at

present the greatest and best; his second son the next

greatest and best; and herself the paragon of women。



Indeed; she is a most respectable and honourable lady。

She goes to church of course: she would fancy the Church

in danger if she did not。  She subscribes to Church and

parish charities; and is a directress of meritorious

charitable institutionsof Queen Charlotte's Lying…in

Hospital; the Washerwomen's Asylum; the British Drummers'

Daughters' Home; &c。。  She is a model of a matron。



The tradesman never lived who could say that he was not

paid on the quarter…day。  The beggars of her

neighbourhood avoid her like a pestilence; for while she

walks out; protected by John; that domestic has always

two or three mendicity tickets ready for deserving

objects。  Ten guineas a year will pay all her charities。

There is no respectable lady in all London who gets her

name more often printed for such a sum of money。



Those three mutton…chops which you see entering at the

kitchen…door will be served on the family…plate at seven

o'clock this evening; the huge footman being present; and

the butler in black; and the crest and coat…of…arms of

the Scrapers blazing everywhere。  I pity Miss Emily

Scrapershe is still youngyoung and hungry。  Is it a

fact that she spends her pocket…money in buns?  Malicious

tongues say so; but she has very little to spare for

buns; the poor little hungry soul!  For the fact is; that

when the footmen; and the ladies' maids; and the fat

coach…horses; which are jobbed; and the six dinner…

parties in the season; and the two great solemn evening…

parties; and the rent of the big house; and the journey

to an English or foreign watering…place for the autumn;

are paid; my lady's income has dwindled away to a very

small sum; and she is as poor as you or I。



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