the book of snobs-第42节

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give　us　a　lecture　about　Omnibus　Snobs。'　　Indeed；　I　should

like　to　write　a　chapter　about　the　Snobbish　Dons　very

much；　and　another　about　the　Snobbish　Dandies。　　Of　my　dear

Theatrical　Snobs　I　think　with　a　pang；　and　I　can　hardly

break　away　from　some　Snobbish　artists；　with　whom　I　have

long；　long　intended　to　have　a　palaver。



But　what's　the　use　of　delaying？　　When　these　were　done

there　would　be　fresh　Snobs　to　pourtray。　　The　labour　is

endless。　　No　single　man　could　complete　it。　　Here　are　but

fifty…two　bricksand　a　pyramid　to　build。　　It　is　best　to

stop。　　As　Jones　always　quits　the　room　as　soon　as　he　has

said　his　good　thing；as　Cincinnatus　and　General

Washington　both　retired　into　private　life　in　the　height

of　their　popularity；as　Prince　Albert；　when　he　laid　the

first　stone　of　the　Exchange；　left　the　bricklayers　to

complete　that　edifice　and　went　home　to　his　royal　dinner；…

…as　the　poet　Bunn　comes　forward　at　the　end　of　the　season；

and　with　feelings　too　tumultuous　to　describe；　blesses　his

KYIND　friends　over　the　footlights：　so；　friends；　in　the

flush　of　conquest　and　the　splendour　of　victory；　amid　the

shouts　and　the　plaudits　of　a　peopletriumphant　yet

modestthe　Snob　of　England　bids　ye　farewell。



But　only　for　a　season。　　Not　for　ever。　　No；　no。　　There　is

one　celebrated　author　whom　I　admire　very　muchwho　has

been　taking　leave　of　the　public　any　time　these　ten　years

in　his　prefaces；　and　always　comes　back　again　when

everybody　is　glad　to　see　him。　　How　can　he　have　the　heart

to　be　saying　good…bye　so　often？　　I　believe　that　Bunn　is

affected　when　he　blesses　the　people。　　Parting　is　always

painful。　　Even　the　familiar　bore　is　dear　to　you。　　I

should　be　sorry　to　shake　hands　even　with　Jawkins　for　the

last　time。　　I　think　a　well…constituted　convict；　on　coming

home　from　transportation；　ought　to　be　rather　sad　when　he

takes　leave　of　Van　Diemen's　Land。　　When　the　curtain　goes

down　on　the　last　night　of　a　pantomime；　poor　old　clown

must　be　very　dismal；　depend　on　it。　　Ha！　with　what　joy　he

rushes　forward　on　the　evening　of　the　26th　of　December

next；　and　says'How　are　you？Here　we　are！'　　But　I　am

growing　too　sentimental：to　return　to　the　theme。



THE　NATIONAL　MIND　IS　AWAKENED　TO　THE　SUBJECT　OF　SNOBS。

The　word　Snob　has　taken　a　place　in　our　honest　English

vocabulary。　　We　can't　define　it；　perhaps。　　We　can't　say

what　it　is；　any　more　than　we　can　define　wit；　or　humour；

or　humbug；　but　we　KNOW　what　it　is。　　Some　weeks　since；

happening　to　have　the　felicity　to　sit　next　to　a　young

lady　at　a　hospitable　table；　where　poor　old　Jawkins　was

holding　forth　in　a　very　absurd　pompous　manner；　I　wrote

upon　the　spotless　damask　'SB；'　and　called　my

neighbour's　attention　to　the　little　remark。



That　young　lady　smiled。　　She　knew　it　at　once。　　Her　mind

straightway　filled　up　the　two　letters　concealed　by

apostrophic　reserve；　and　I　read　in　her　assenting　eyes

that　she　knew　Jawkins　was　a　Snob。　　You　seldom　get　them　to

make　use　of　the　word　as　yet；　it　is　true；　but　it　is

inconceivable　how　pretty　an　expression　their　little

smiling　mouths　assume　when　they　speak　it　out。　　If　any

young　lady　doubts；　just　let　her　go　up　to　her　own　room；

look　at　herself　steadily　in　the　glass；　and　say　'Snob。'

If　she　tries　this　simple　experiment；　my　life　for　it；　she

will　smile；　and　own　that　the　word　becomes　her　mouth

amazingly。　　A　pretty　little　round　word；　all　composed　of

soft　letters；　with　a　hiss　at　the　beginning；　just　to　make

it　piquant；　as　it　were。



Jawkins；　meanwhile；　went　on　blundering；　and　bragging　and

boring；　quite　unconsciously。　　And　so　he　will；　no　doubt；

go　on　roaring　and　braying；　to　the　end　of　time　or　at　least

so　long　as　people　will　hear　him。　　You　cannot　alter　the

nature　of　men　and　Snobs　by　any　force　of　satire；　as；　by

laying　ever　so　many　stripes　on　a　donkey's　back；　you　can't

turn　him　into　a　zebra。



But　we　can　warn　the　neighbourhood　that　the　person　whom

they　and　Jawkins　admire　is　an　impostor。　　We　apply　the

Snob　test　to　him；　and　try　whether　he　is　conceited　and　a

quack；　whether　pompous　and　lacking　humilitywhether

uncharitable　and　proud　of　his　narrow　soul？　　How　does　he

treat　a　great　manhow　regard　a　small　one？　　How　does　he

comport　himself　in　the　presence　of　His　Grace　the　Duke；

and　how　in　that　of　Smith　the　tradesman？



And　it　seems　to　me　that　all　English　society　is　cursed　by

this　mammoniacal　superstition；　and　that　we　are　sneaking

and　bowing　and　cringing　on　the　one　hand；　or　bullying　and

scorning　on　the　other；　from　the　lowest　to　the　highest。

My　wife　speaks　with　great　circumspection'proper　pride；'

she　calls　itto　our　neighbour　the　tradesman's　lady：　and

she；　I　mean　Mrs。　Snob；Elizawould　give　one　of　her　eyes

to　go　to　Court；　as　her　cousin；　the　Captain's　wife；　did。

She；　again；　is　a　good　soul；　but　it　costs　her　agonies　to

be　obliged　to　confess　that　we　live　in　Upper　Thompson

Street；　Somers　Town。　　And　though　I　believe　in　her　heart

Mrs。　Whiskerington　is　fonder　of　us　than　of　her　cousins；

the　Smigsmags；　you　should　hear　how　she　goes　on　prattling

about　Lady　Smigsmag；and　'I　said　to　Sir　John；　my　dear

John；'　and　about　the　Smigsmags'　house　and　parties　in　Hyde

Park　Terrace。



Lady　Smigsmag；　when　she　meets　Eliza；who　is　a　sort　of　a

kind　of　a　species　of　a　connection　of　the　family；　pokes

out　one　finger；　which　my　wife　is　at　liberty　to　embrace　in

the　most　cordial　manner　she　can　devise。　　But　oh；　you

should　see　her　ladyship's　behaviour　on　her　first…chop

dinner…party　days；　when　Lord　and　Lady　Longears　come！



I　can　bear　it　no　longerthis　diabolical　invention　of

gentility　which　kills　natural　kindliness　and　honest

friendship。　　Proper　pride；　indeed！　　Rank　and　precedence；

forsooth！　　The　table　of　ranks　and　degrees　is　a　lie；　and

should　be　flung　into　the　fire。　　Organize　rank　and

precedence！　that　was　well　for　the　masters　of　ceremonies

of　former　ages。　　Come　forward；　some　great　marshal；　and

organize　Equality　in　society；　and　your　rod　shall　swallow

up　all　the　juggling　old　court　goldsticks。　　If　this　is　not

gospel…truthif　the　world　does　not　tend　to　thisif

hereditary…great…man　worship　is　not　a　humbug　and　an

idolatrylet　us　have　the　Stuarts　back　again；　and　crop

the　Free　Press's　ears　in　the　pillory。



If　ever　our　cousins；　the　Smigsmags；　asked　me　to　meet　Lord

Longears；　I　would　like　to　take　an　opportunity　after

dinner　and　say；　in　the　most　good…natured　way　in　the

world：Sir；　Fortune　makes　you　a　present　of　a　number　of

thousand　pounds　every　year。　　The　ineffable　wisdom　of　our

ancestors　has　placed　you　as　a　chief　and　hereditary

legislator　over　me。　　Our　admirable　Constitution　（the

pride　of　Britons　and　envy　of　surrounding　nations）　obliges

me　to　receive　you　as　my　senator；　superior；　and　guardian。

Your　eldest　son；　Fitz…Heehaw；　is　sure　of　a　place　in

Parliament；　your　younger　sons；　the　De　Brays；　will　kindly

condescend　to　be　post…captains　and　lieutenants…colonels；

and　to　represent　us　in　foreign　courts　or　to　take　a　good

living　when　it　falls　convenient。　　These　prizes　our

admirable　Constitution　（the　pride　and　envy　of；　&c。）

pronounces　to　be　your　due：　without　count　of　your　dulness；

your　vices；　your　selfishness；　or　your　entire　incapacity

and　folly。　　Dull　as　you　may　be　（and　we　have　as　good　a

right　to　assume　that　my　lord　is　an　ass；　as　the　other

proposition；　that　he　is　an　enlightened　patriot）；dull；　I

say；　as　you　may　be；　no　one　will　accuse　you　of　such

monstrous　folly；　as　to　suppose　that　you　are　indifferent

to　the　good　luck　which　you　possess；　or　have　any

inclination　to　part　with　it。　　Noand　patriots　as　we　are；

under　happier　circumstances；　Smith　and　I；　I　have　no

doubt；　were　we　dukes　ourselves；　would　stand　by　our　order。



We　would　submit　good…naturedly　to　sit　in　a　high　place。

We　would　acquiesce　in　that　admirable　Constitution　（pride

and　envy　of；　&c。）　which　made　us　chiefs　and　the　world　our

inferiors；　we　would　not　cavil　particularly　at　that　notion

of　hereditary　superiority　which　brought　many　simple

people　cringing　to　our　knees。　　May　be　we　would　rally

round　the　Corn…Laws；　we　would　make　a　stand　against　the

Reform　Bill；　we　would　die　rather　than　repeal　the　Acts

against　Catholics　and　Dissenters；　we　would；　by　our　noble

system　of　class…legislation；　bring　Ireland　to　its　present

admirable　condition。



But　Smith　and　I　are　not　Earls　as　yet。　　'We　don't　believe

that　it　is　for　the　interest　of　Smith's　army　that　De　Bray

should　be　a　Colonel　at　five…and…twenty；　of　Smith's

diplomatic　relations　that　Lord　Longears　should　go

Ambassador　to　Constantinople；of　our　politics；　that

Longears　should　put　his　hereditary　foot　into　them。



This　bowing　and　cringing　Smith　believes　to　be　the　act　of

Snobs；　and　he　will　do　all　in　his　might　and　main　to　be　a

Snob　and　to　submit　to　Snobs　no　longer。　　To　Longears　he

says；　'We　can't　help　seeing；　Longears；　that　we　are　as

good　as　you。　　We　can　spell　even　better；　can　think　quite

as　rightly；　we　will　not　have　you　for　our　master；　or　black

your　shoes　any　more。　　Your　footmen　do　it；　but　they　are

paid；　and　the　fellow　who　comes　to　get　a　list　of　th