the book of snobs-第38节

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Barbara；　at　Rimini？　　He　hasn't　told　you？　　Then　I'm　not　at

liberty　to　speak。　　Or　the　countess；　about　whom　he　nearly

had　the　duel　with　Prince　Witikind　of　Bavaria？　　Perhaps

you　haven't　even　heard　about　that　beautiful　girl　at

Pentonville；　daughter　of　a　most　respectable　Dissenting

clergyman。　　She　broke　her　heart　when　she　found　he　was

engaged　（to　a　most　lovely　creature　of　high　family；　who

afterwards　proved　false　to　him）；　and　she's　now　in

Hanwell。'



Waggle's　belief　in　his　friend　amounts　to　frantic

adoration。　　'What　a　genius　he　is；　if　he　would　but　apply

himself！'　he　whispers　to　me。　　'He　could　be　anything；　sir；

but　for　his　passions。　　His　poems　are　the　most　beautiful

things　you　ever　saw。　　He's　written　a　continuation　of　〃Don

Juan；〃　from　his　own　adventures。　　Did　you　ever　read　his

lines　to　Mary？　　They're　superior　to　Byron；　sirsuperior

to　Byron。'



I　was　glad　to　hear　this　from　so　accomplished　a　critic　as

Waggle；　for　the　fact　is；　I　had　composed　the　verses　myself

for　honest　Wiggle　one　day；　whom　I　found　at　his　chambers

plunged　in　thought　over　a　very　dirty　old…fashioned　album；

in　which　he　had　not　as　yet　written　a　single　word。



'I　can't；'　says　he。　　'Sometimes　I　can　write　whole　cantos；

and　to…day　not　a　line。　　Oh；　Snob！　such　an　opportunity！

Such　a　divine　creature！　　She's　asked　me　to　write　verses

for　her　album；　and　I　can't。'



'Is　she　rich？'　said　I。　　'I　thought　you　would　never　marry

any　but　an　heiress。'



'Oh；　Snob！　she's　the　most　accomplished；　highly…connected

creature！and　I　can't　get　out　a　line。'



'How　will　you　have　it？'　says　I。　　'Hot；　with　sugar？'



'Don't；　don't！　　You　trample　on　the　most　sacred　feelings；

Snob。　　I　want　something　wild　and　tender；like　Byron。　　I

want　to　tell　her　that　amongst　the　festive　balls；　and　that

sort　of　thing；　you　knowI　only　think　about　her；　you

knowthat　I　scorn　the　world；　and　am　weary　of　it；　you

know；　andsomething　about　a　gazelle；　and　a　bulbul；　you

know。'



'And　a　yataghan　to　finish　off　with；'　the　present　writer

observed；　and　we　began：



'TO　MARY



'I　　　　　　seem；　in　the　midst　of　the　crowd；

The　lightest　of　all；

My　laughter　rings　cheery　and　loud；

In　banquet　and　ball。

My　lip　hath　its　smiles　and　its　sneers；

For　all　men　to　see；

But　my　soul；　and　my　truth；　and　my　tears；

Are　for　thee；　are　for　thee！'



'Do　you　call　THAT　neat；　Wiggle？'　says　I。　　'I　declare　it

almost　makes　me　cry　myself。'



'Now　suppose；'　says　Wiggle；　'we　say　that　all　the　world　is

at　my　feetmake　her　jealous；　you　know；　and　that　sort　of

thingand　thatthat　I'm　going　to　TRAVEL；　you　know？

That　perhaps　may　work　upon　her　feelings。'



So　WE　（as　this　wretched　prig　said）　began　again：



'Around　me　they　flatter　and　fawn

The　young　and　the　old；

The　fairest　are　ready　to　pawn

Their　hearts　for　my　gold。

They　sue　meI　laugh　as　I　spurn

The　slaves　at　my　knee；

But　in　faith　and　in　fondness　I　turn

Unto　thee；　unto　thee！'



'Now　for　the　travelling；　Wiggle　my　boy！'　　And　I　began；　in

a　voice　choked　with　emotion



'Away！　for　my　heart　knows　no　rest

Since　you　taught　it　to　feel；

The　secret　must　die　in　my　breast

I　burn　to　reveal；

The　passion　I　may　not。　。　。'



'I　say；　Snob！'　Wiggle　here　interrupted　the　excited　bard

（just　as　I　was　about　to　break　out　into　four　lines　so

pathetic　that　they　would　drive　you　into　hysterics）。　　'I

sayahemcouldn't　you　say　that　I　wasamilitary　man；

and　that　there　was　some　danger　of　my　life？'



'You　a　military　man？danger　of　your　life？　　What　the

deuce　do　you　mean？'



'Why；'　said　Wiggle；　blushing　a　great　deal；　'I　told　her　I

was　going　outontheEcuadorexpedition。'



'You　abominable　young　impostor；'　I　exclaimed。　　'Finish

the　poem　for　yourself！'　And　so　he　did；　and　entirely　out

of　all　metre；　and　bragged　about　the　work　at　the　Club　as

his　own　performance。



Poor　Waggle　fully　believed　in　his　friend's　genius；　until

one　day　last　week　he　came　with　a　grin　on　his　countenance

to　the　Club；　and　said；　'Oh；　Snob；　I've　made　SUCH　a

discovery！　　Going　down　to　the　skating　to…day；　whom　should

I　see　but　Wiggle　walking　with　that　splendid　womanthat

lady　of　illustrious　family　and　immense　fortune；　Mary；　you

know；　whom　he　wrote　the　beautiful　verses　about。　　She's

five…and…forty。　　She's　red　hair。　　She's　a　nose　like　a

pump…handle。　　Her　father　made　his　fortune　by　keeping　a

ham…and…beef　shop；　and　Wiggle's　going　to　marry　her　next

week。'



'So　much　the　better；　Waggle；　my　young　friend；'　I

exclaimed。　　'Better　for　the　sake　of　womankind　that　this

dangerous　dog　should　leave　off　lady…killingthis　Blue…

Beard　give　up　practice。　　Or；　better　rather　for　his　own

sake。　　For　as　there　is　not　a　word　of　truth　in　any　of

those　prodigious　love…stories　which　you　used　to　swallow；

nobody　has　been　hurt　except　Wiggle　himself；　whose

affections　will　now　centre　in　the　ham…and…beef　shop。

There　ARE　people；　Mr。　Waggle；　who　do　these　things　in

earnest；　and　hold　a　good　rank　in　the　world　too。　　But

these　are　not　subjects　for　ridicule；　and　though　certainly

Snobs；　are　scoundrels　likewise。　　Their　cases　go　up　to　a

higher　Court。'







CHAPTER　XLI



CLUB　SNOBS



Bacchus　is　the　divinity　to　whom　Waggle　devotes　his

especial　worship。　　'Give　me　wine；　my　boy；'　says　he　to　his

friend　Wiggle；　who　is　prating　about　lovely　woman；　and

holds　up　his　glass　full　of　the　rosy　fluid；　and　winks　at

it　portentously；　and　sips　it；　and　smacks　his　lips　after

it；　and　meditates　on　it；　as　if　he　were　the　greatest　of

connoisseurs。



I　have　remarked　this　excessive　wine…amateurship

especially　in　youth。　　Snoblings　from　college；　Fledglings

from　the　army；　Goslings　from　the　public　schools；　who

ornament　our　Clubs；　are　frequently　to　be　heard　in　great

force　upon　wine　questions。　　'This　bottle's　corked；'　says

Snobling；　and　Mr。　Sly；　the　butler；　taking　it　away；

returns　presently　with　the　same　wine　in　another　jug；

which　the　young　amateur　pronounces　excellent。　　'Hang

champagne！'　says　Fledgling；　'it's　only　fit　for　gals　and

children。　　Give　me　pale　sherry　at　dinner；　and　my　twenty…

three　claret　afterwards。'　　'What's　port　now？'　says

Gosling；　'disgusting　thick　sweet　stuffwhere's　the　old

dry　wine　one　USED　to　get？'　　Until　the　last　twelvemonth；

Fledgling　drank　small…beer　at　Doctor　Swishtail's；　and

Gosling　used　to　get　his　dry　old　port　at　a　gin…shop　in

Westminstertill　he　quitted　that　seminary；　in　1844。



Anybody　who　has　looked　at　the　caricatures　of　thirty　years

ago；　must　remember　how　frequently　bottle…noses；　pimpled

faces；　and　other　Bardolphian　features　are　introduced　by

the　designer。　　They　are　much　more　rare　now　（in　nature；

and　in　pictures；　therefore；）　than　in　those　good　old

times；　but　there　are　still　to　be　found　amongst　the　youth

of　our　Clubs　lads　who　glory　in　drinking…bouts；　and　whose

faces；　quite　sickly　and　yellow；　for　the　most　part　are

decorated　with　those　marks　which　Rowland's　Kalydor　is

said　to　efface。　　'I　was　SO　cut　last　nightold　boy！'

Hopkins　says　to　Tomkins　（with　amiable　confidence）。　　'I

tell　you　what　we　did。　　We　breakfasted　with　Jack　Herring

at　twelve；　and　kept　up　with　brandy　and　soda…water　and

weeds　till　four；　then　we　toddled　into　the　Park　for　an

hour；　then　we　dined　and　drank　mulled　port　till　half…

price；　then　we　looked　in　for　an　hour　at　the　Haymarket；

then　we　came　back　to　the　Club；　and　had　grills　and　whisky

punch　till　all　was　blueHullo；　waiter！　　Get　me　a　glass

of　cherry…brandy。'　　Club　waiters；　the　civilest；　the

kindest；　the　patientest　of　men；　die　under　the　infliction

of　these　cruel　young　topers。　　But　if　the　reader　wishes　to

see　a　perfect　picture　on　the　stage　of　this　class　of　young

fellows；　I　would　recommend　him　to　witness　the　ingenious

comedy　of　LONDON　ASSURANCEthe　amiable　heroes　of　which

are　represented；　not　only　as　drunkards　and　five…o'clock…

in…the…morning　men；　but　as　showing　a　hundred　other

delightful　traits　of　swindling；　lying；　and　general

debauchery；　quite　edifying　to　witness。



How　different　is　the　conduct　of　these　outrageous　youths

to　the　decent　behaviour　of　my　friend；　Mr。　Papworthy；　who

says　to　Poppins；　the　butler　at　the　Club：



PAPWORTHY。'Poppins；　I'm　thinking　of　dining　early；　is

there　any　cold　game　in　the　house？'



POPPINS。'There's　a　game　pie；　sir；　there's　cold　grouse；

sir；　there's　cold　pheasant；　sir；　there's　cold　peacock；

sir；　cold　swan；　sir；　cold　ostrich；　sir；'　&c。　&c。　（as　the

case　may　be）。



PAPWORTHY。'Hem！　　What's　your　best　claret　now；　Poppins？…

…in　pints；　I　mean。'



POPPINS。'There's　Cooper　and　Magnum's　Lafitte；　sir：

there's　Lath　and　Sawdust's　St。　Julien；　sir；　Bung's

Leoville　is　considered　remarkably　fine；　and　I　think　you'd

like　Jugger's　Chateau…Margaux。'



PAPWORTHY。'Hum！hah！wellgive　me　a　crust　of　bread

and　a　glass　of　beer。　　I'll　only　LUNCH；　Poppins。



Captain　Shindy　is　another　sort　of　Club　bore。　　He　has　been

known　to　throw　all　the　Club　in　an　uproar　about　the

quality　of　his　mutton…chop。



'Look　at　it；　sir！　　Is　it　cooked；　sir？　　Smell　it；　sir！　　Is

it　meat　fit　for　a　gentleman？'　he　roars　out　to　th