the book of snobs-第36节

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operations　than　by　your　side　in　the　carriage；　or　perched

in　wonder　upon　one　of　the　stools　at　Shawl　and　Gimcrack's；

whilst　young　counter…dandies　are　displaying　their　wares。



This　sort　of　husbands　should　be　sent　out　after　breakfast；

and　if　not　Members　of　Parliament；　or　Directors　of　a

Railroad；　or　an　Insurance　Company；　should　be　put　into

their　clubs；　and　told　to　remain　there　until　dinner…time。

No　sight　is　more　agreeable　to　my　truly　regulated　mind

than　to　see　the　noble　characters　so　worthily　employed。

Whenever　I　pass　by　St。　James's　Street；　having　the

privilege；　like　the　rest　of　the　world；　of　looking　in　at

the　windows　of　'Blight's；'　or　'Foodle's；'　or　'Snook's；'

or　the　great　bay　at　the　'Contemplative　Club；'　I　behold

with　respectful　appreciation　the　figures　withinthe

honest　rosy　old　fogies；　the　mouldy　old　dandies；　the

waist…belts　and　glossy　wigs　and　tight　cravats　of　those

most　vacuous　and　respectable　men。　　Such　men　are　best

there　during　the　day…time　surely。　　When　you　part　with

them；　dear　ladies；　think　of　the　rapture　consequent　on

their　return。　　You　have　transacted　your　household

affairs；　you　have　made　your　purchases；　you　have　paid　your

visits；　you　have　aired　your　poodle　in　the　Park；　your

French　maid　has　completed　the　toilette　which　renders　you

so　ravishingly　beautiful　by　candlelight；　and　you　are　fit

to　make　home　pleasant　to　him　who　has　been　absent　all　day。



Such　men　surely　ought　to　have　their　Clubs；　and　we　will

not　class　them　among　Club　Snobs　therefore：on　whom　let

us　reserve　our　attack　for　the　next　chapter。







CHAPTER　XXXVIII



CLUB　SNOBS



Such　a　Sensation　has　been　created　in　the　Clubs　by　the

appearance　of　the　last　paper　on　Club　Snobs；　as　can't　but

be　complimentary　to　me　who　am　one　of　their　number。



I　belong　to　many　Clubs。　　The　'Union　Jack；'　the　'Sash　and

Marlin…spike'Military　Clubs。　　'The　True　Blue；'　the　'No

Surrender；'　the　'Blue　and　Buff；'　the　'Guy　Fawkes；'　and

the　'Cato　Street'Political　Clubs。　　'The　Brummel'　and

the　'Regent'Dandy　Clubs。　　The　'Acropolis；'　the

'Palladium；'　the　'Areopagus；'　the　'Pnyx'　the

'Pentelicus；'　the　'Ilissus'　and　the　'Poluphloisboio

Thalasses'Literary　Clubs。　　I　never　could　make　out　how

the　latter　set　of　Clubs　got　their　names；　I　don't　know

Greek　for　one；　and　I　wonder　how　many　other　members　of

those　institutions　do？

Ever　since　the　Club　Snobs　have　been　announced；　I　observe

a　sensation　created　on　my　entrance　into　any　one　of　these

places。　　Members　get　up　and　hustle　together；　they　nod；

they　scowl；　as　they　glance　towards　the　present　Snob。

'Infernal　impudent　jackanapes！　　If　he　shows　me　up；'　says

Colonel　Bludyer；　'I'll　break　every　bone　in　his　skin。'　　'I

told　you　what　would　come　of　admitting　literary　men　into

the　Club；'　says　Ranville　Ranville　to　his　colleague；

Spooney；　of　the　Tape　and　Sealing…Wax　Office。　　'These

people　are　very　well　in　their　proper　places；　and　as　a

public　man；　I　make　a　point　of　shaking　hands　with　them；

and　that　sort　of　thing；　but　to　have　one's　privacy

obtruded　upon　by　such　people　is　really　too　much。　　Come

along；　Spooney；'　and　the　pair　of　prigs　retire

superciliously。



As　I　came　into　the　coffee…room　at　the　'No　Surrender；'　old

Jawkins　was　holding　out　to　a　knot　of　men；　who　were

yawning；　as　usual。　　There　he　stood；　waving　the　STANDARD；

and　swaggering　before　the　fire。　　'What；'　says　he；　'did　I

tell　Peel　last　year？　　If　you　touch　the　Corn　Laws；　you

touch　the　Sugar　Question；　if　you　touch　the　Sugar；　you

touch　the　Tea。　　I　am　no　monopolist。　　I　am　a　liberal　man；

but　I　cannot　forget　that　I　stand　on　the　brink　of　a

precipice；　and　if　were　to　have　Free　Trade；　give　me

reciprocity。　　And　what　was　Sir　Robert　Peel's　answer　to

me？　　〃Mr。　Jawkins；〃　he　said　…'



Here　Jawkins's　eye　suddenly　turning　on　your　humble

servant；　he　stopped　his　sentence；　with　a　guilty　look

his　stale　old　stupid　sentence；　which　every　one　of　us　at

the　Club　has　heard　over　and　over　again。



Jawkins　is　a　most　pertinacious　Club　Snob。　　Every　day　he

is　at　that　fireplace；　holding　that　STANDARD；　of　which　he

reads　up　the　leading…article；　and　pours　it　out　ORE

ROTUNDO；　with　the　most　astonishing　composure；　in　the　face

of　his　neighbour；　who　has　just　read　every　word　of　it　in

the　paper。　　Jawkins　has　money；　as　you　may　see　by　the　tie

of　his　neckcloth。　　He　passes　the　morning　swaggering　about

the　City；　in　bankers'　and　brokers　parlours；　and　says　：

'I　spoke　with　Peel　yesterday；　and　his　intentions　are　so

and　so。　　Graham　and　I　were　talking　over　the　matter；　and　I

pledge　you　my　word　of　honour；　his　opinion　coincides　with

mine；　and　that　What…d'ye…call…um　is　the　only　measure

Government　will　venture　on　trying。'　　By　evening…paper

time　he　is　at　the　Club：　'I　can　tell　you　the　opinion　of

the　City；　my　lord；'　says　he；　'and　the　way　in　which　Jones

Loyd　looks　at　it　is　briefly　this：　Rothschilds　told　me　so

themselves。　　In　Mark　Lane；　people's　minds　are　QUITE　made

up。'　　He　is　considered　rather　a　well…informed　man。



He　lives　in　Belgravia；　of　course；　in　a　drab…coloured

genteel　house；　and　has　everything　about　him　that　is

properly　grave；　dismal；　and　comfortable。　　His　dinners　are

in　the　MORNING　HERALD；　among　the　parties　for　the　week；

and　his　wife　and　daughters　make　a　very　handsome

appearance　at　the　Drawing…Room；　once　a　year；　when　he

comes　down　to　the　Club　in　his　Deputy…Lieutenant's

uniform。



He　is　fond　of　beginning　a　speech　to　you　by　saying；　'When

I　was　in　the　House；　I　&c。'in　fact　he　sat　for

Skittlebury　for　three　weeks　in　the　first　Reformed

Parliament；　and　was　unseated　for　bribery；　since　which　he

has　three　times　unsuccessfully　contested　that　honourable

borough。



Another　sort　of　Political　Snob　I　have　seen　at　most　Clubs

and　that　is　the　man　who　does　not　care　so　much　for　home

politics；　but　is　great　upon　foreign　affairs。　　I　think

this　sort　of　man　is　scarcely　found　anywhere　BUT　in　Clubs。

It　is　for　him　the　papers　provide　their　foreign　articles；

at　the　expense　of　some　ten　thousand　a…year　each。　　He　is

the　man　who　is　really　seriously　uncomfortable　about　the

designs　of　Russia；　and　the　atrocious　treachery　of　Louis

Philippe。　　He　it　is　who　expects　a　French　fleet　in　the

Thames；　and　has　a　constant　eye　upon　the　American

President；　every　word　of　whose　speech　（goodness　help

him！）　he　reads。　　He　knows　the　names　of　the　contending

leaders　in　Portugal；　and　what　they　are　fighting　about：

and　it　is　he　who　says　that　Lord　Aberdeen　ought　to　be

impeached；　and　Lord　Palmerston　hanged；　or　VICE　VERSA。



Lord　Palmerston's　being　sold　to　Russia；　the　exact　number

of　roubles　paid；　by　what　house　in　the　City；　is　a

favourite　theme　with　this　kind　of　Snob。　　I　once　overheard

himit　was　Captain　Spitfire；　R。N。；　（who　had　been　refused

a　ship　by　the　Whigs；　by　the　way）indulging　in　the

following　conversation　with　Mr。　Minns　after　dinner。



Why　wasn't　the　Princess　Scragamoffsky　at　Lady

Palmerston's　party；　Minns？　　Because　SHE　CAN'T　SHOW　why

can't　she　show？　　Shall　I　tell　you；　Minns；　why　she　can't

show？　　The　Princess　Scragainoffsky's　back　is　flayed

alive；　MinnsI　tell　you　it's　raw；　sir！　　On　Tuesday　last；

at　twelve　o'clock；　three　drummers　of　the　Preobajinski

Regiment　arrived　at　Ashburnham　House；　and　at　half…past

twelve；　in　the　yellow　drawing…room　at　the　Russian

Embassy；　before　the　ambassadress　and　four　ladies'…maids；

the　Greek　Papa；　and　the　Secretary　of　Embassy；　Madame　de

Scragamoffsky　received　thirteen　dozen。　　She　was　knouted；

sir；　knouted　in　the　midst　of　Englandin　Berkeley　Square；

for　having　said　that　the　Grand　Duchess　Olga's　hair　was

red。　　And　now；　sir；　will　you　tell　me　Lord　Palmerston

ought　to　continue　Minister？'



Minns：　'Good　Ged！'



Minns　follows　Spitfire　about；　and　thinks　him　the　greatest

and　wisest　of　human　beings。







CHAPTER　XXXIX



CLUB　SNOBS



Why　does　not　some　great　author　write　'The　Mysteries　of

the　Club…houses；　or　St。　James's　Street　unveiled？'　　It

would　be　a　fine　subject　for　an　imaginative　writer。　　We

must　all；　as　boys；　remember　when　we　went　to　the　fair；　and

had　spent　all　our　moneythe　sort　of　awe　and　anxiety　with

which　we　loitered　round　the　outside　of　the　show；

speculating　upon　the　nature　of　the　entertainment　going　on

within。



Man　is　a　Dramaof　Wonder　and　Passion；　and　Mystery　and

Meanness；　and　Beauty　and　Truthfulness；　and　Etcetera。

Each　Bosom　is　a　Booth　in　Vanity　Fair。　　But　let　us　stop

this　capital　style；　I　should　die　if　I　kept　it　up　for　a

column　（a　pretty　thing　a　column　all　capitals　would　be；　by

the　way）。　　In　a　Club；　though　there　mayn't　be　a　soul　of

your　acquaintance　in　the　room；　you　have　always　the　chance

of　watching　strangers；　and　speculating　on　what　is　going

on　within　those　tents　and　curtains　of　their　souls；　their

coats　and　waistcoats。　　This　is　a　never…failing　sport。

Indeed　I　am　told　there　are　some　Clubs　in　the　town　where

nobody　ever　speaks　to　anybody。　　They　sit　in　the　coffee…

room；　quite　silent；　and　watching　each　other。



Yet　how　little　you　can　tell　from　a　man's　outward

demeanour！　　There's　a　man　a